The Loss (Heartache series #1) (7 page)

I roll my eyes and drag her to the fridge, open the door and get out a few beers. I turn my head when I hear the guys walk in and see the tension rolling off both of them in waves. “Bill, what would you like to drink?”

He walks over to the liquor cabinet and takes out a glass. “I’ll fix my own, darling. You just see to your guests.”

I nod and then Hailey’s mouth is next to my ear. “Stuffy,” she whispers. I have to bite my tongue, literally, in order not to burst out laughing again. I turn around, shove a beer into her chest and then politely hand one to Jase.

“We can go sit out on the deck. It’s a nice evening,” I tell everyone as I make my way to the back sliding door.

“A nice evening,” Hailey mimics me, and I nudge her hard with my shoulder as I open the sliding door, and we walk outside.

We sit down, each taking a lounge chair or a folded one, and suddenly I wonder where my parents are. As if my mom knew I was thinking about her, she walks out the back door, purse in hand. “We thought you young ones would like some time to catch up so your dad and I are going out to dinner and a movie. We don’t get to do that nearly enough anyway so I’m taking advantage.” She smiles, and I can’t help but beam back at her. “You all have fun. I made my famous chicken casserole, salad and dip. It’s all in the refrigerator. You just have to heat up the casserole. Have fun.” She starts to walk away then walks quickly over to Jase, leans down and kisses his cheek, whispering quietly. He smiles and nods and I’d give anything to know what she is saying. He kisses her cheek and then she turns, winks at me, and walks back into the house.

“Well, how about that cookout Thursday? Are we gonna heat up the street with some ball?” Hailey smiles and I laugh. Jase gives me a look and then his face softens into a smile.

“I’m up for it. A little bit of old times?” He says with an evil smile as he rubs his hands together.

“Psh! If I remember right, I had a pretty mean throwing arm,” I state matter of fact. I notice Bill is uncomfortable again, so totally out of his element, and I think how right Hailey was. Stuffy. What did I see in him? He is so opposite of me. I know I owe him so much but is it enough to stay with him? Where do the boundaries stop between the support he’s given me and being in a relationship? I don’t want to hurt him, although he has hurt me before, but I’m just not that way.

“Used to have a mean arm, doesn’t mean you do now. Your, uh, a little older now and….” Jase looks at Bill and then back at me. “My guess is you’re really out of practice. Bet you haven’t thrown a ball in the last five years.” He gives me a smirk, and then it turns into a grin.

My heart beats faster and I’m not sure if it’s due to the excitement of playing ball again with my friends, Jase being here, or how hot and sexy he is. Of course, I always thought he was hot but damn, he’s grown up into the sexiest man I’ve ever seen. I had wondered for a long time what he looked like now and even though I spent the night with him last night,
God forbid Bill finds out
, I guess I did notice how much his looks had changed. Or maybe I did. How is he still single?

“Earth to Al.” Hailey’s fingers snapping in my face makes me come back into focus. “As I was saying…. You’re on for ball on Thursday. I’ve improved over the years, working out at Battle Ground and even playing at the junior high so you’d better watch out.”

My mouth turns up into a grin. “Oh, yes. Coach Hailey at the junior high. How could I forget?” She winks but then her cocky smile turns into a frown. “Well, we’ll just see what you’ve got, won’t we?”

“Well, I’m going to have to sit that out and watch. I’m not much for sports.” All heads turn towards Bill, and I catch Jase’s smirk. “I’ve been rather busy spending my time with all business matters and I wasn’t much for sports even when I was younger. Computers and technology were always my pastime.”
Stuffy. Yeah.

“It’s okay. You can drink sweet tea and watch us from my porch.” I smile, but I know it’s as fake as I feel.

“Oh, my God! Remember the time you caught that high ball and fell backwards over the fence in the vacant lot?” Hailey screams out.
Shit, do I remember that!
“You were so fucking klutzy back then. I did not enjoy the three hours in the emergency room.”

Bill looks at me with disgust, and I shrug. “It was only ten stitches. That time.” Jase laughs and I turn my head towards him.

“You were a real trooper,” he smiles and gives me a wink. That just made butterflies surge through me. God! I feel like we’re back in high school when everything was so simple, when I held on to every word he said. Sometimes I think I was worse than Liv, who did the same and followed us around everywhere. She idolized her big brother, and I think I did too.

“Trooper? She squeezed the hell outta my hand. If I don’t throw well on Thursday it’s only because she damaged it,” Hailey said sarcastically but then winks.

This is so much more than I thought it would be. Yes, Bill’s being his normal prestigious self, but I feel so relaxed around Hailey and Jase, more than I thought I would. Two years ago, I never imagined I’d be sitting here with everyone, especially Jase. I’m so proud of him that he was able to return here. I have a feeling it’s one of the hardest things he’s ever done.

We end up talking for so long we almost forgot about eating. We had so many drinks that we all were a little tipsy or drunk in Hailey’s case. Thank God she decided to spend the night in our spare bedroom. Bill stuck around, but I think it was only to guard what is his: me. I didn’t let him bother me, mostly. He tried to make love to me once we were in bed, but I wasn’t in the mood. I rarely am anymore, with him. Eventually, he huffed and turned over, giving me the cold shoulder, I guess that was fair. I’m finding I do that to him more and more often. Oh, well, tomorrow’s another day.

Chapter 7

Man that was fun last night. I don’t think I’ve been that relaxed in a long time. I wish that Bill would have left us alone, but he wouldn’t leave Alena’s side. I guess he was guarding her from me, and he should. I just wish I could get her alone again to have some more time to talk, have enough guts to tell her how I feel, and how I’ve been feeling for a long time. Fuck! I’m such a chicken shit! Well, at least, I made it to the neighborhood and slept in my old bed at my parents last night, since I was too tipsy to drive my bike home. That’s a start. One hurdle at a time.

After getting home, cleaning up and having a quick breakfast, I walk over to the gym and find Jolie already at the front desk. “Rough night?” she smirks as I walk in. She’s a little hardcore, especially first thing in the morning, but she’s brutally honest and will always give it to me straight. She’s also put me in my place a time or two. She was my confidant at college. I think she may know me better than I do myself.

“Shut it, Jole.” She laughs, and I walk over and lean against the glass counter, which was spotless.

“Hey! Don’t mess up my counter. You know I pride myself in keeping it clean.” I give her a smirk and rub my fingers across it. “What’s got you in such a good mood this morning? Get some last night?” She gives me a smirk right back. That’s another reason we’ve always gotten along so well, she can dish it out just as good as she can take it.

“Nah. Just in a good mood. I can be in a good mood, sometimes, can’t I?” I chuckle.

She bends down, resting her chin in her hand and laughs. “Yeah, like that happens so often, Mr. Brooding.”

The front door chime sounds and I watch Jolie’s eyes light up when a guy walks in. He has a piercing and colorful tattoos. He’s wearing a white wife-beater and gym shorts. He’s got a fairly good build so he must workout. He walks straight over to us with a serious look on his face, one I’ve seen and worn many times. “Can I help you?” Jolie almost stutters, and I turn my head to her quickly. I’ve never seen her this way. Her calmness and rough exterior tucked away, and I wonder what’s up with that.

“Yeah, I uh…..” He looks around and then back at her. “I’m new in town and saw the gym. I’d like to buy a membership.” Hmmm, I’m not sure I like the way he’s so nervous, like maybe he’s hiding.

“Don’t you want a tour first? See if you like it? I can give you a pass for today, to try it out,” she asks, with a confused look on her face.

“Nope. I’m good.”

She looks at me, and I shrug. Why the hell not. If he doesn’t like it, I’ll give him a refund for being stupid. “Well, okay then.” She bends down and stands back up with the paperwork, and he walks closer to the counter. “Just fill this out and I’ll need to see your ID.” I push away from the counter and leave her to do her work. Confident guy but still. I shrug to myself and walk across the room and into my office. Time to get some work done.

By the time I’ve done all my work, worked out and taken my shower, I can hear the storm outside. There’s been so much rain lately, but we need it. I end up staying until closing, letting Jolie leave early. She’s like here twenty four/seven most of the time. The girl has no life, I swear. I try to get her to go do things away from here. Sometimes we do go out to dinner or go to Danny’s for a few drinks and let Marlie, my other employee, take over. But it’s like fucking pulling teeth. From what I know about Jolie, she has no family, and I’m pretty much her only friend. She does seem to like Hailey. Probably because Hailey is such a fucking stubborn and direct woman, like her.

I make a light dinner and then flip through some channels on the TV. Boring. Once I’m in bed, I lay there and think about Alena. She’s pretty much all I’ve thought about since she’s been back.

“Whaddya want to be when you grow up?” We’re laying in the field in the vacant lot. I’m on my back and Alena on her side. I’ve been playing with some strands of her long hair, so soft. She flips over onto her stomach and smacks my arm.

“What?” I chuckle.

“Jase. Be serious. What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I look up at the blue sky, not a cloud around, and scrunch up my face. “Shit, I dunno.” I flip over onto my side and look into her eyes. “We’re only sixteen, Al, not like we have to know now.”

She moves up, resting her arms on the grass, and starts playing with some blades. “I know but don’t you ever think about it? I mean, won’t it be weird to go to college, leave Liv and your parents and be on your own? Do you think about what you want to do after college?” She sighs and now she’s got me thinking about all that. “I want to be a graphic designer, own my own business. Web sites, architect, and creative stuff, unique that can be only mine.” Her green eyes sparkle from the sun and feelings that I’ve had for a while now start stirring.

“Well, I’d like to do something with my running. Coach says I’m a natural and can really go the distance. Maybe I’ll get a scholarship. Maybe one day I’ll even be in the Olympics.” I roll again until I am on my back and look up into the sky. “Yeah, I’d really love that.” Then my emotions are all over the place. Fuck, it would be so hard to leave Liv behind. She’s been stuck to me like glue all our lives. She’s gonna be so upset.

I feel a punch to my arm, hard, and turn my head. Alena’s smiling as she winks at me, which makes another emotion hit me. “Quit thinking so hard. There’s still a little time. Don’t worry about Liv. She’ll be older then and will understand.” How in the hell does she do that? She’s always been able to read me. She’s the only one who really gets me.

My eyes open, and I realize I’d fallen asleep. Tonight’s the cookout and our game of ball. I’m not even nervous about going to the neighborhood again. Well, kind of. A knock sounds on my front door and I wonder if that’s what woke me up. I look at my alarm clock, and it shows five in the morning. Who would be here this early? I climb out of bed and trudge down the stairs. The clothes I shredded last night all over the living room. Guess I need to pick those up and probably do some laundry. When I open the door, the most beautiful sight is before me.

“Wanna go for a run?”

I can’t take my eyes off the bag of goodies she’s holding. My stomach growls, and she laughs. “I haven’t had Betty’s Bakery’s awesomeness for years.” I lick my lips and finally my eyes move down and then back up her body. Holy shit, has she changed. Her tennis shoes are white, lined in a pink ribbon. Her shorts are well, really short, pink to match and then a white workout tank that cuts off just under her breasts, which are much bigger and more defined in this top, exposing her smooth skin and flat stomach. That damned belly button piercing is gonna drive me crazy.

She places her hand flat on my chest and pushes me back. “Not so fast, tiger. Running first, coffee and goodies after.”
Coffee too? Damn!
“Go get changed.”

I laugh as I walk backwards into the living room. “What? I can’t go in my pajama pants?” I wiggle my eyebrows and she laughs as she shakes her head. “Fine. You have a strong argument.” I turn and run up the stairs and get changed in a flash, brush my teeth and run my fingers through my hair, then put my knee brace on. When I walk downstairs, I stop on the last step and just stare. She’s in my living room, hands flat against the wall by the front door, stretching. In her short shorts, her legs seem to go on forever. The muscles in them flexing and my already hard on grows when she bows her back, her head tilting back. Thank fuck, her eyes are closed, or she’d catch me staring.

“Quit looking at me,” she says, her lips opening and closing upside down.
How the fuck?
She pulls herself back up and turns around, smiling. “I’ve always been able to read you like a book, Jase.”
Okay, this is getting creepy.
She laughs. “Okay, come on. Let’s hit the road. You’re wastin’ time, Briggs.”

I lower my head, shaking it as I chuckle, and then look back up. “Okay, let’s see what you’ve got, Spencer.” She gives me a smirk as she opens the door, and I walk down the last step then stride through the living room, walking passed her. I do my normal routine of stretching against the porch railing and then jog down the front steps and start into my run. She’s quick to run up beside me and smiles when I look over at her.

We ran until I turned off onto the dirt road. She’s kept up pretty well, but I can tell she’s starting to wear down a little, so I slow down. When we get around the big tree where we’d bumped into each other, I move to a walk and sit down on a big rock nearby. She walks up, holding her side, and sits down next to me, panting. “How long have you been running?”

She looks up at me and smirks. “Not long enough.” I laugh and watch her open a pouch that I hadn’t noticed around her waist. She pulls out two bottled waters, something I forgot in my haste, and hands me one.

“Fuck! You just saved my life!” She smiles as I twist off the cap and drink half of it. I watch as her full lips pull from around the top of her bottle and then slide off, wet and luscious.

“I would have thought a runner like you would have thought to bring water,” she smiles. God, she’s beautiful especially all hot and sweaty.

“Ha, touché. So, when did you start running?” I take another big drink of water and watch as her eyebrows lower.

She pants a few more times and smiles. “Well, I actually started working out a couple of years ago but running…. That just started a few days ago.” Laughter bursts from me. “Hey, I’m not THAT bad.”

My laughter settles down to a chuckle. “No, you’re not. But it’s a daily ritual. If you stop, it’s hard to get motivated to get back out there.”

Her face changes from bright to dark with sadness as she looks down at her bottle. “You always told me it gave you some inner peace. Like…. Like you could finally relax, let it take away your frustrations and put you in your own world. I kind of need that.” She looks up at me, her eyes looking into my soul. “Is it still like that, Jase?”

I look down at my knee in its brace and clear my throat. “Yes. More so really.” I look up at her and still see the sadness. “It’s better now. I’m better. Most of the time. It’s still hard, not gonna lie. But I’ve come a long way.”

Her lips turn up into a smile. “I can see that. Coming over yesterday, into the neighborhood, had to be so difficult. What made you do it now?”

“You,” I whisper.

Her eyes widen as her lips part. Shit! I hope I didn’t just fuck that up. “Me?” She whispers back.

I turn to her, reach out and take her hand. “Alena, we’ve always been best friends but did you ever feel anything more? I mean….” I search her eyes, and my heart is beating so fast that I feel like she can see it. “I was always afraid to tell you. I thought…. I thought we might lose what we’d always had but now….”

“Now?” She whispers breathlessly, her eyes intent on mine.

“Now, I think that if I don’t.... If we don’t take a chance then we’ll never know what could have been.” I look down at our hands that are now clasped together and shake my head. “I’ve always run from everything. When I lost Liv….” I look back up and into her eyes again, which are now wet with tears. “Then you went away and I didn’t try hard enough to stay in contact. I felt a different kind of loss.”

“No, Jase. I….”

I reach over with my other hand and place two fingers against her soft lips. Her eyes close with my touch, and it makes my feelings coarse through me even harder. “Shhh. I’ve not lived life for a long time, Alena.” Her eyes open and a single tear falls onto her cheek. “I’ve only now returned back to the living.” My thumb moves up and wipes away her tear then I remove my fingers from her lips and release her hand, looking down as I fold mine in my lap. “There’s so many things that maybe I’m too late for, maybe I waited too long to try to keep ahold of.” My eyes snap to her, and I try to give a small smile. “But I hope not.” I was waiting for the speech about how she didn’t have feelings for me in
that
way or how she’d moved on, and I had no chance in hell. It was just wishful thinking all these years.

She looks up and then around us as the light of day starts to approach causing the focus of the leaves of the trees to be seen. Then she just looks straight ahead, like she’s mesmerized by something or maybe just lost in her thoughts. “So many times I wondered if you felt as I did.” My heart races and I almost feel like it could choke me. “So many times I thought if you did and we actually had that kind of relationship, if something bad happened, or if we had lost our friendship all together, that would hurt me worse than if we hadn’t tried at all.” I’m about to tell her I’ve felt the same way when she turns her head to me. “But lately? All I’ve thought about is how much time has been lost, all the worrying and dread that came from thinking about it, and would it be worth the loss?”

I lean over quickly, without thinking, and press my lips to hers. I thought she would push me away, resist. Instead, I feel her arm move around my neck, her fingers weaving into my hair as our warm lips move with each other’s. I always imagined this moment, wondered what her lips felt like. Tasted like. It’s so much more than I could have dreamt, so much more. A moan escapes her, and that makes me nip her lower lip. As they part, my tongue takes the lead into her sweet mouth and tangles with hers. I wrap my arm around her slim waist, her bottled water dropping on the ground with a thud as I pick her up effortlessly. Her legs wrap around me as I pull her onto my lap, her other arm moves around my shoulder as my hand weaves under her arm, up her back. I grab her ponytail and tug on it. The rock is uncomfortable under my butt, along with her added weight, but I don’t care. All I feel is her.

“Jase,” she whispers against my mouth. Her hand lays gently on the back of my head. I pull the tie out of her hair, grasping a bunch in my hand and pulling her head back. My mouth latches onto the delicate skin on her neck. “God!” she moans as I nip and suck on her silky flesh. “What am I doing?” she cries out when I kiss up her neck until I’ve reached the side of her face, up to her earlobe and nipping it with my teeth. “Ugh! Jase.” Suddenly, I lose her warmth as her hands move to my chest, pushing me back. I look into her eyes and find lust, remorse, and other emotions that I can’t figure out. Confusion? She slides back and off my lap, picking up her water bottle and taking two steps back. “Oh, Jase. If it was another time I…. I have to go.”
What?

I quickly rise, taking the few steps to her in big strides and grab ahold of her upper arms. “What the fuck, Al? What just happened? Tell me you didn’t feel that? Tell me you have no feelings for me other than friendship?” She looks at me with wide eyes. “Tell me!” I yell. She flinches and I feel bad, but I have to know.

“Yes….I….. I can’t!” she screams into my face. The look of fear runs across her beautiful face for a fleeting moment. She pulls back and I release her, feeling defeated, confused and frustrated. She turns and starts running around the bend and I just stand there, letting her leave. Leaving me again. No!

♥    ♥    ♥    ♥

What have I done? I shouldn’t have led him on. I’m such a bitch! He doesn’t deserve that and I don’t deserve him. What in the hell was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking or I was only thinking of myself, my needs, and my wants. I’m so selfish. I run down the dirt path as if I was being chased by a murderer, tears streaming down my face and my heart broken once again. How can I get out of this mess? Another mess of my life. I just want to go home, crawl into bed and stay there. I pick up speed as I hear running feet pounding against the dirt behind me. I’m so stupid. Like I can out run him.

I’m pulled to a stop as his strong arms wrap around my heaving chest and waist, pulling me back against him. “Stop running from me, Alena!” he breathes excessively against my ear. I struggle, but his hold tightens. There’s no way I can get free from his hold and do I really want to? I relax, my head lowering in defeat. “Don’t leave me, Al. If there’s no way you can give me more than friendship, then don’t. Just don’t leave me.” The pleading sound of his voice breaks my heart.

We both stand there, panting. His arms moving up and down with my chest. I finally look up at him, tilting my head, and trying to calm my breathing. “Jase. I just….” His hand moves up, leaving my chest chilled from the morning air and cups my face.

“Shhh. It’s okay, Alena.” His comforting words take me by surprise. He’s always been there for me, been my rock when I needed him, until I left. I nod, silently, and his mouth turns into a sad smile. “Come back to my house. Let’s eat and drink our coffees together. Please? I promise no more heavy talk. Can we just go back to how things used to be? Please, Alena?” My heads moves up and down, but I can’t seem to speak. I don’t know what to say. He releases me and takes my hand. We walk back, continuing our silence. Things are awkward once again, and I hate it.

We make it back to his house, stretching outside, and then he opens the door for me. My body brushes against his as I move passed him and my heart speeds up. “Wanna take a shower?” My eyes widen and the look of shock, then remorse, fills his face. “Not with me. Uh, you can go first.” I nod and smile shyly. “I’ll get you something to put on.” I follow him up the stairs and into his bedroom. My eyes instantly find a bulletin board on the wall above his desk, and as he rummages through his dresser drawers, I walk over to it. My hand moves up to a picture pinned in the center. My fingers trace over our faces. We were so young in this picture, arms around each other’s shoulders, standing on the beach and laughing with Liv standing in front of us, our hands on her shoulders.