The Loss (Heartache series #1) (17 page)

I cup his face. “No, my love. Your heart is in the right place, always. I don’t think you wanted me to live just for you.”

“No?”

“No.” I smile. “I just think you wanted me to live.”

“Did you know you were pregnant? Were you waiting to tell me?” He asks, his voice low, barely a whisper.

“No. I didn’t. With everything that’s happened, I didn’t even think about it.”

“We never used protection. I should have asked. I don’t even know if you want kids.”

My smile fades. “No, we didn’t. That was just as much my fault. I didn’t think when I was with you, other than I wanted to be with you. I’ve dreamt of that moment, for so long.” His eyes light up and I know he understands. “You know, I do want kids, always wanted kids, and I don’t want them with anyone else.” His face softens. His smile reappears. I lean up, my mouth just a breath away from his. “I only want them with you.” The warmth of his lips makes me feel so loved, so wanted and so special. Only him.

Chapter 17

She fell asleep in my arms, just like she should. I never want to let her go. Ever. My eyes open when the door does, the aroma of soup assaulting me and my stomach growls. I put my finger to my mouth, telling everyone to be quiet as they walk in. Mom smiles, Ma S. runs over and kisses my forehead, whispering words of gratitude. Mr. Spencer comes over and pats my arm, both have tears in their eyes. I watch them pull out a large table from the corner of the room, gathering chairs around it and the food they pull out of the many bags. Dad rolls over the hospital tray as Mom brings me a large bowl of soup. Fuck that smells good. Alena stirs and opens her eyes, looking around the room. I help her sit up as her mom brings over more soup and sets it down on the tray in front of her.

“God, I’m so hungry,” she moans as she swallows a spoonful.

“Watch it, kitten,” I growl, and she smiles as she lifts the spoon to her mouth again. Fuck! Even beaten and exhausted, I’m horny for her. I’ll always be horny for her.

It’s a great night, eating with the ones we love but we both get tired out so easily. Our parents tell us both good night shortly after we eat and then the new bed is moved in. It takes forever to maneuver us around and get settled, but finally we do and it doesn’t take either of us long to fall asleep.

“Jase. I can’t….”

I’m dreaming, reliving the nightmare of almost losing her, but I keep hearing her voice.

“I can’t get to you.”

The look on her paled face. Her lips are blue. She won’t respond.

“Jase.”

My eyes snap open, my heart pounding. I look over at her. She’s restless. I knew this would happen, nightmares. It was inevitable. I tighten my grip around her shoulder, and she sighs. “I’m here, baby. I’ve got you.” She sighs again and snuggles into my chest. We’re gonna have to go see Dr. Murphy. There’s no way we are getting away from these dreams until we can put them to rest.

I lay there awake, moving my other arm behind my head and start up at the ceiling. A memorial. We need to have one for our baby. Alena needs closure. I need it too. Our baby. I still can’t get over that she was pregnant, that we made a child together. Even more now, I want her in my home and children. I want it all. Images of each room in my house appears in my mind. We can take the large room downstairs and convert it into her office. The bedroom upstairs that is in the eastern corner with the bay window would be perfect for a nursery, and I can finish the basement, with a playroom in one corner. Then my mind skips to Scott. I haven’t asked about him, and I should have. Is he still here at the hospital or did he get out already? Jolie and my gym. I wonder how things are going there especially after that asshole destroyed part of it. The guy who came into the gym that day, kind of suspicious looking yet he looked like he was running from something or someone. Is he still coming in or did he leave town? Everything happened so fast that now I can’t keep up with what all went on without us, or because of us. My eyes grow heavy again, but I don’t want to go to sleep. I turn onto my side a bit, and she moves closer, like she’s afraid I’ll leave. I won’t ever leave her again. Never.

The next day Dr. Shafer examined both of us and said we could probably leave in the morning. I don’t mind. Laying here, holding her in my arms, flipping through channels on the TV and talking is just fine by me. Our parents left us alone today, telling us they’d bring dinner by later tonight. Again, fine by me. We need some alone time. Then the mood is spoiled by Hailey.

“Yo! My favorite peeps! How are you guys?” She walks in, and I growl until I smell the aroma coming from the sack she’s carrying. She holds it up in the air and smiles. “I come in peace and hamburgers.” She’s forgiven. She sets the bag down on the hospital tray, pulling out paper plates and all the delicious food. So fucking glad Dr. Shafer gave us the green light on eating whatever we want this morning. He said my fever was gone but will be keeping a close eye on me. Whatever! I’m starved. I normally watch what I eat and eat healthy. Not today.

She lays my burger on my plate and my eyes water. I take a huge bite and close my eyes. “Uh, don’t be doing that, Jase.” I look over at Alena and see fire in her eyes. “If I can’t make sex food noises then neither can you.” Oh! I had no idea I did that. Fair play.

“Soooooo. How are you guys? When do you get sprung?” Hailey pulls up a chair, sitting close to the bed. My mouth is too full to answer, and I’m not stopping.

“Tomorrow,” Alena answers for us. “I can’t wait to get home.”

My eyes snap over to her and watch her luscious lips wrap around her burger. Damn! She looks over at me and smiles, her cheeks full of food. I take another huge bite of mine. My brows raise as my heart races. She swallows and wipes her mouth with her napkin, daintily, then speaks to Hailey but keeps her eyes on mine. “I’m having Mom and Dad take my things over to Jase’s. I mean our house.” I swear the pounding of my heart can be heard, it’s going so fast and hard.

“That’s awesome! I’ll help them. Jase’s house, I mean your house, is perfect for the two of you!” Hailey shouts.

“What?” Our heads all turn when Jolie walks into the room. She walks over to me, and I have to put my burger down quickly as she hugs me. “Man, are you two okay? Sorry, I couldn’t leave the gym until now.”

“Who’s minding the gym, Jolie? Not that I’m not glad to see you but….”

“Oh, uh! About that. That new guy, the one that you thought was kinda strange? Tanner. I kind of…. Well…. I hired him.” Anger over takes me. I’m not sure about that guy, thought he was running from something or someone. “Look. Turns out he’s a great fitness trainer.” She tilts her hip, placing her hand on it and gives me her ‘look’. “I wouldn’t have hired him if I wasn’t sure about him, Jase. You know how I am.” She’s got a point, but I’m not convinced. She steps back and sits down on the chair behind her. “He’s pretty quiet, keeps to himself, but he’s a damn good trainer.” Well, that’s something, I guess.

“How much damage?” I couldn’t stop it from blurting out. I need to know how much it will set me back.

She looks at Hailey then Alena and then back at me. “Do we really have to have this conversation, right now?” I cram some fries in my pie hole and nod. She rolls her eyes and sighs. “He did a little over six thousand dollars’ worth,” she confesses. Suddenly, I’m not in the mood to finish my burger and lay it down on my plate. “I already contacted Smith and he said he’ll work it out with you. He’s not worried about it.”

I slam my fist down on the tray, causing everyone to jump. “I’m worried about it.” I look over at Alena whose face has paled. Regretting what I did, I put my arm around her and pull her into my side. “Fuck, I’m sorry, Alena. I shouldn’t have done that.”

She leans up, kisses my face and then the warmth of her lips are next to my ear. “Let’s talk about this later, okay?” She moves back, the color starting to return across her skin, and smiles sadly.

“You’re right. I’m a jerk.” I look back at Jolie and give her a small smile. “Thanks for taking care of that, Jolie. I appreciate it and I appreciate all your extra time there while I was away and as I recoup. I should be back in a couple of days.” Her brows raise as her head tilts, and she gives me her famous smirk. “I can just do paperwork and stuff. Calm down with the look.” I laugh and her face changes to a smile. She can be hardcore but that’s what I like about her.

Hailey ends up jawing my ear off the rest of the day. Jolie didn’t stay long, saying she needed to get back to Battle Ground. I feel bad with all the hours she’s having to put in, but she said that Scott will be back tonight, which reminded me to ask about him. I guess, according to her and Hailey, he’s embarrassed that he told Bill and his goons where we were. Really? I guess I would feel bad too except he won’t come around and we’ve been best friends most of our lives. I fucking hate that! I need to call him as soon as we get home tomorrow.

Home. I can’t believe that it will be
our
home. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that we would ever be together, not like this. I guess sometimes dreams do come true but sometimes the hard way.

The next morning both of us got examined, again. Dr. Shafer said we could go home but to get plenty of rest and I needed to use a crutch for my knee for about a week. Crap! I did happen to pull him aside and ask him how long before we could have sex. What? I’m a guy and always horny for her, not to mention I’ve wanted her for years, so I have a lot of time to make up for, but I don’t want to hurt her either.

I drove with my parents, and she rode with hers, then both our dad’s and her mom left together to go load up my truck with her things. Good thing the police brought our things and my truck back yesterday from the cabin. Wow! Suddenly, I’m a bit nervous. I shouldn’t be. I’ve known her my whole life. But I am. I hobble into my house, holding the door open for her and tell her to go immediately to either the couch or my bed and get comfortable.
Our
bed. Her response was to stick her tongue out at me, smile and head towards the couch. Cute. I’m used to walking with a crutch from my previous surgery, so I have no trouble following her and sitting down beside her. She immediately moves up close and lays her head on my chest. Right where I love her to be. Mom’s in my kitchen already cooking up some yummy smelling food as I put my foot up on my coffee table and lay my head back against the couch.

I close my eyes and relax, feeling her hand lay on my stomach. “You’re tired. Why don’t you go lay down and I’ll wait up for our dad’s and my mom and they can help me get my things in here. You don’t always have to be so strong for me.” My eyes open slowly, and I quirk one of my brows. “Okay. I know you want to be there for me….” I tilt my head and my eyebrows raise. “Always.” She smiles. “We just got home, you had surgery and just got your fever down. How can you expect to be strong for me if you’re sick or have a relapse and end up back in the hospital?” She has a point. “Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to just lay here with you, cuddle, and take a nap but you know our parents are gonna be around most of the day getting things cooked and organized for us.” Another good point.

I lean down, kiss her button nose and smile. “Okay. I’ll go take a nap but you really should too.” She smiles and looks like she won a war and then winks.

“I will. I’ll lay down on the couch. I have to be able to tell them where to put stuff. Uh….” She looks around and then back at me. “Where do I tell them to put stuff? I won’t have all my things until tomorrow. Dad called my landlord and a moving company yesterday.”

I lean down until my mouth connects with hers. She parts her lips eagerly, and my tongue doesn’t hesitate to move all in. Damn! I’m so fucking horny. Finally, I move back, keeping our noses touching and smile. “You can tell them to put it anywhere. I don’t care. There’s three spare bedrooms upstairs. Fill ‘em up.”

She giggles. God, I love that sound. “I didn’t bring that much stuff with me.”

I release her and start to stand, feeling really tired and sluggish. “Wherever you want to put everything is fine with me, baby.” I lean down, kiss her once again, and hobble towards the stairs. My bed is gonna feel so good. It would feel better if she were in it with me.

♥    ♥    ♥    ♥

By the time they got everything here, which wasn’t all that much, I was exhausted. I did ask them to bring my bed and dresser and Mom packed up everything in my closet so really, I have more now than I did when I lived away. To have all my things with me makes me feel more at home. I’ll have to ask Jase where he wants my office stuff. It’s a big house and I feel a little weird just picking out which room to put it in. He said anywhere and I know he probably doesn’t care, but I do.

Mrs. Briggs told me to go lie down while she finished her cooking and my parents already kissed me goodbye. Mom telling me she’ll be over tomorrow to check on us, so I’m heading upstairs.

When I walk into his room, our room, I see the most gorgeous sight. He’s sprawled out on his back. He had taken his shirt off and is laying on top of the covers, sleeping. I lean back against the door, closing it quietly, and just stare. I can’t help it. He’s beautiful, well in a manly way. He has the softest and smoothest skin. His hard work of running and working out definitely shows in his defined abs, the muscles in his arms and shoulders. His chest rises and falls slowly, his lips parted. Shit! I’m so horny! I know we can’t make love yet, but damn, I wish we could. He’s making it really tough looking like that. Maybe I need to take a cold shower before I lie down. No, I’m too tired. I creep across the hardwood floor, carefully climbing into the bed and crawl under the covers. I sit up quickly, grabbing the blanket at the foot of the bed, and lay it across him. He stirs, moving his arm around me and pulling me in close. I don’t hesitate to lay my head on his strong chest and close my eyes.

I’m dreaming of Jase. His lips are on my breasts, the skin on my chest, my neck. Oh! My eyes open and lo and behold, it’s Jase. I smile, stretching my arms above my head then his lips are on my jaw, the side of my face. His teeth nip my earlobe, and I squeal. Damn! He’s not helping my horniness at all! “Babe. Ungh!” He keeps nibbling on my ear, his hand doing wonderful things to my breast and his thick and hard cock is pressed up against my leg. “Babe!” Oh, my God!

He looks up at me sheepishly. “Sorry. Couldn’t help myself. There’s so much I want to do to you.”
Shit! He has no idea!
“Come on. Mom cooked up enough food for ten years. Let’s go eat, take our minds off of…. Well, things we can’t do yet.” He takes one of my hands, pulling me up and helps me off the bed.

“I can’t believe how much food she made. I’m in heaven.” I help bring out the casserole and the salad while he gets our drinks. After putting the casserole in the oven to heat up, I put some salad in our bowls and walk over to the table, sitting down beside him. “I’m starving for a home cooked meal. This all looks amazing!” I dig into my salad before he has a chance to respond and moan.

“Dammit, woman! Quit making sex food noises. I swear you’re gonna be the death of me,” he says, and I stop mid chew. “Sorry,” he says with remorse. “Bad choice of words.”

I cover his hand with mine, rubbing across his soft skin with my thumb. “We can’t watch what we say, Jase. That’s no way to live. It’s okay.”

He looks at me, such sadness in his eyes. It breaks my heart. “I was thinking.” He covers my hand with his and squeezes. “I think we should have a memorial, a service, for our baby. Did Dr. Shafer tell you if it was a boy or girl? With everything going on I didn’t think to ask.”

Tears well up in my eyes. I feel so bad that I didn’t tell him and love him even more for thinking to ask. “He said it was a girl. I guess we should think of a name for her and I think it’s a wonderful idea to have a service. I’ll talk to Mom and I’m sure she will talk to yours. They can help plan.” He leans over and kisses me tenderly then stays close, looking deep into my eyes. “You’re so wonderful to think of that. I’m afraid my head’s been a little foggy.”

He leans in closer. “Honey, it’s okay. I just think that we both need the closure and our baby needs to have something to remember her by. What do you think as far as a name?”

I lean back in my chair, my hand still being held tightly with his. “Hmmm. I’m not sure. What do you think? You have just as much right to come up with a name.” I smile, hoping to ease some of the tension.

His brows lower in concentration, his eyes looking down. Suddenly, he smiles, his face softens as he looks at me. “How about Vivian? It means ‘live’.

“Vivian Olivia Briggs. I love it.” I smile.

“Vivian Olivia Briggs. It’s perfect.” He kisses me again, smiling the whole time.

We have the most wonderful dinner. After our tummies are full, we crawl back into bed and fall asleep in each other’s arms. I never want this to be any different, us to be any different, but I know we’ve already changed.

“Can you move that over here, please?” The movers have been here for over an hour. Jase told me to make the big downstairs room into my office. I was hesitant, at first, feeling like I’m taking the best room in the house. A bay window overlooking the front and a double side window. So much light and tons of room for my filing cabinets, my credenza, my huge desk and my bookcases and some hanging shelves. I have too much stuff. Maybe that’s why he suggested I take the biggest room. Or maybe it’s because he loves me and wants me to have the best. I still feel bad.

“That’s perfect!” I smile after they’ve moved my desk under the bay window.

I feel his arms wrap around my middle and I lean back. “You’re perfect,” he whispers in my ear. I look up into his eyes and see them sparkle. He kisses my nose, and I can’t believe how wonderful my life finally is. Yes, it took so much to get here, another loss, but there’s only happiness to look forward to now.

The movers leave, and a knock comes on the front door. I kiss Jase, hard, and then go to answer it. He needs to stay off that leg, and I aim to make him. I grab the knob expecting it to be Mom or Dad and am shocked when I see who it is. I can’t move. I just stand there with my mouth open, holding onto the door. “Who is it, baby?” Jase’s voice sounds from my office, and I just blink my eyes rapidly. I hear his crutch softly hit the wood floor as he comes up behind me, his hand grasps my waist, and now we’re both just standing there.