As soon as I’d made the decision to stay, even if it was just for a little while, I’d felt bombarded by emotions. I was relieved to have made a decision, terrified that I was making a mistake, but most of all, I was excited to tell Brody the news. Despite the chilly weather, I’d been so thrilled to share my decision with him that I’d slipped from the house without worrying about a jacket or even shoes. I’d tossed a few pebbles at his window, and when that signal hadn’t flushed him from hiding, I’d gone to the door and knocked until my knuckles were raw. I’d called his name over and over again until my voice was hoarse, tears prickling my eyes as the wind slammed against my body. Finally, convinced he either wasn’t home or wasn’t coming out, I’d slumped dejected in front of his door, letting the tears come. I didn’t know how I’d managed to make such a mess of things. I’d thought he would be ecstatic with my news, but maybe there was no way to salvage this—or us.
I had no idea how long I sat there—long enough for the tears to stop and for me to feel how cold I really was. Shivering, I’d wrapped my arms around myself and stood on shaky legs, ready to make the trek back across the lawn to my house. I’d made it about halfway when I chanced to look up at Brody’s bedroom window. My heart had caught in my chest and stopped beating for the time it took me to remember to breathe. To my utter disbelief, Brody was standing there, framed in the window, looking right back at me. He’d heard me calling him, seen me crying, and still he’d done nothing. I felt paralyzed with the shock of it. There could only be one explanation—or at least the only one that I could find: he’d never loved me. What kind of person would do that to someone they loved? That was why no matter what I felt when I was around him, however much I thought about him, I had to stuff my feelings down deep and forget about them. I couldn’t risk being that hurt again.
When I woke up the next morning, my head pounded as though I had a hangover, even though I hadn’t been at the reception long enough to touch a drop of alcohol.
Becky
was the first thought that penetrated through my achy head. Groggily, I reached for my cell phone. Holy hell, I had 12 voicemails, 38 texts and one photo message. Ooh, this was not good. Before I could think better of it, I clicked on the photo and waited for the picture to come into focus.
The message was from Patrice and the photo was of a stunning Becky dancing with Seth. It read simply, ‘The Happy Couple,’ but could not have pierced me more if it had been an insult. Oh, God. I’d screwed up so bad. So very bad. Becky was
never
going to forgive me. There was nothing to do, I decided, but to get to her house as fast as I could to see if I could catch her before she and Seth left for their honeymoon.
My mind made up, I sprang out of bed, grabbing my phone and hurrying from the room, stocking feet and all. I was already dialing her number when I opened the door and promptly dropped the phone. Becky was standing there, her face pale and pinched. The phone lay forgotten as I looked at my best friend. I’d known she’d be mad, but she looked like she was about to hulk out of her sweet sweater set and strangle me with her bare hands.
“Hi.”
“Hi?” she echoed, tossing her head. “Is that all you have to say to me? I’m supposed to be in Fiji right now, Shana.”
“Then why aren’t you?”
“Hmm, well, let me think. I guess because my best friend went crazy and just vanished in the middle of my wedding!”
“Technically, the wedding had actually—”
“
Excuse
me? Are you seriously going to argue this point with me?”
That would be a no. Arguing with Becky was never a good idea, I’d always known that and that was before she’d looked like she was capable of murder. “I’m really sorry.”
“Well, at least that’s a start,” she snorted.
“Look, Becky, what do you want me to say? I know I messed up.”
“Go on.”
I felt a surge of anger flood my body. Where did she get off? I wasn’t the
only
one who had messed up, a fact that she seemed content to forget. I wasn’t going to let her get off that easy. “OK, and what about you? Is there something you conveniently forgot to tell me in the, oh, I don’t know,
four weeks
before your wedding?”
“Please, don’t turn this around. This—”
“I can’t believe you! You’re being so
selfish
! You knew what seeing him would do to me, you knew—”
“I’m the one who’s selfish? Better go take a look in the mirror, maybe you forgot what selfish looks like.”
“Oh, is that so?”
“Well, I’d say running off on a friend before the cake was cut qualifies, don’t you? Especially when that friend was supposed to give a toast?”
Oh. I’d forgotten about that. Guilt tried to eat at me, but I shoved it away with both hands. I wasn’t going to let her win—I always let her win. This time, she was going to have to come to my side for a change. “If you hadn’t made Brody a part of your wedding party—hell, if you’d at least told me, this would all be different!”
“I didn’t ask him!” she exploded. “Seth did! I’m sorry, should he have checked with you first?”
I made a face at her. “Oh, sure. We all know Seth does whatever you ask him to, and you’ve been trying to get me and Brody back together for years!”
“I just want you to be happy! If Brody doesn’t make you happy, forget it! I just want you to stop running because you’re too damn scared to get hurt!”
Her words shocked me speechless, rendering me incapable of delivering all the snappy, sarcastic retorts battling for my attention. Instead, I balled my hands into fists at my sides, glaring daggers at her and breathing heavily. We faced off, both looking ready to do battle, when the front door squeaked open.
“Shana? Are you out here? I thought I heard yelling. Are you all right, honey?”
I winced. I wasn’t ready for Becky to know how bad Mom’s condition was, especially considering how things currently stood between us. “Yeah, I’m fine, Mom. I’ll be right in.”
“OK, dear. Hello, Becky.”
Becky at least had the grace to say hello, though she didn’t bother to fake a smile.
Once Mom has closed the door I turned to face her. “So, what now?”
“I don’t know, Shana,” she sighed. “I just can’t deal with this right now. I just came to make sure you were OK.”
That caught me off guard. “You thought I was…”
“I didn’t know what to think, you didn’t exactly leave me a note,” she snapped. “Yes, I assumed… but I couldn’t be sure until I saw you for myself. Now that I have, I have a plane to catch.”
“You just want to leave things… like this?” The idea kind of terrified me. We’d never fought before, so a shouting match was unprecedented. I had no idea where we went from here or what happened next.
She shrugged and began walking off the porch. “I don’t really care right now, Shana.”
Her words winded me. As I watched her drive off—tires squealing, per usual—I slid down until I was sitting on the porch. I hugged my knees to my chest; I hadn’t done that since I was in middle school, because I hadn’t felt so small since then. Not until now. Becky was right: I had been stupid and selfish. I hadn’t been thinking straight and never could where Brody was concerned. Everything got muddled and confusing when I was around him, regardless of the time that had passed.
Why did everything complicated in my life revolve around him? The boy next door. If only I’d known what trouble I’d be getting myself into, I thought ruefully.
Before I could think better of it, I leapt to my feet and went racing across the lawn. I knew it was far-fetched, since Brody had his own place, but maybe… I walked to the side of his house that had his bedroom window. I stooped down and found some pebbles handy for tossing.
Plink
. It pinged off the pane glass.
Plink
went another.
My heart soared when he opened the window. From the looks of him, he hadn’t been awake long. His hair was rumpled and he looked half-asleep, which on Brody was also deliciously sexy.
“Shana? That you?”
“Who else would throw rocks at your window? Unless…”
His grin was quick. “Nope, just you, I’m afraid. Come on up. We can—”
“No, you come down.”
“What? Shan, seriously, just come up.” He leaned out the window to talk and even from this distance his bare chest made me nearly weak with desire.
“Not happening, pal. Come down.”
“You’re crazy!”
I smiled at him, bouncing on the balls of my feet as I waited, watching as he climbed out the window and leapt onto the nearby oak tree. Muscles rippled throughout his body as he moved and when he landed in front of me, clad only in a pair of wrinkled khakis, I couldn’t deny I was impressed.
“What was so important I had to climb out of my window?” he asked in his low, husky voice.
“What’s going on between us, Brody?”
I’d been staring at the ground when I said it, much as it pained me to tear my eyes away from his yummy abs, but he slipped a finger under my chin and tilted it so that I was looking him in the eye. “I don’t know, Shan. I wish I did. What do you want to be going on?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted honestly. “You?”
“Well, I’ll tell you what,” he said, smiling warmly. “Let’s just take it one day at a time, hmm?”
* * *
“Come on, Mom. You love lasagna,” I enthused, watching her pick at her lunch listlessly.
“Oh, it’s wonderful, dear,” she said, despite the fact that she’d hardly touched it.
“Aren’t you hungry?”
“Hmm? Oh, not really, hon. Has Jonas gotten here yet?”
“It’s Sunday, Mom. Remember?”
“Oh, yes, that’s right. I just want you two to get some time together while you’re home.”
I was about to answer when there was a knock at the door. “Be right back.” Sighing to myself, I went to the door. Not that I minded—anything was a welcome interruption right now. When I opened the door and saw Brody standing there, leaning on the doorjamb with his familiar warm smile, that opinion doubled.
“Hi, I’m Brody from next door.”
“What?” I spluttered, laughing.
“That’s not what you’re supposed to say. Come on, don’t spoil the fun.”
“Oh, OK. Hi, Brody from next door. I’m Shana.”
“Nice to meet you, Shana. I have to say, though—” His brown eyes twinkled at me. “I kind of thought you’d be a boy.”
I couldn’t help myself; I burst into a fit of giggles. “Did you, now? Too bad Jonas isn’t here, I could introduce you.”
“Now, see.” He leaned forward and caressed my cheek. “Not all the memories are bad.”
I knew he was trying to be sweet, but his words sobered me. It was so easy to get lost in his warm eyes and the easy camaraderie we shared. I guessed that was why it was so hard to stay away from him. “I guess you’re right.”
“So, I was wondering, do you want to have dinner with me and Mom tonight?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Brody…”
“Come on, it’ll be fun. A good excuse to get your mom out of the house…”
When he paused, I had to wonder how much he knew about my mother’s condition. She tended to stay home as much as possible lately, which was the main reason news of her declining health hadn’t spread like wildfire across town. It also gave me one more reason to decline his invitation, as much as I would have liked to go.
“No, we better not. Thanks for the offer, though,” I said with true regret.
“Fine, we’ll just bring dinner to you.”
“Oh, Brody, that’s not—”
“I insist.”
He said the words with a quiet authority that silenced me instantly. “OK,” I said hesitantly. “But we’ll stick to your place. I’ll see you there.”
“Don’t be late.” He leaned forward and kissed my cheek before sauntering off.
I was too busy watching him walk away to point out that he hadn’t given me a time.
As the day wore on, I began to regret letting him talk me into dinner. Mom was having a bad day and was highly agitated, and nothing I did seemed to soothe her in the least. Maybe she wasn’t ready to get out just yet. Maybe I could just run out for a bit… but no, I couldn’t leave her alone like this and I would have to make an excuse for her, anyway.
I thought about canceling, but in the end, I decided to just take her and hope for the best.
“Where are we going, dear?” Mom asked as I helped hook the back of her skirt.
“To Brody’s.”
“Oh, that’ll be lovely, everyone back together again. I know you’ve missed Brody.”
“Hmm,” I replied noncommittally.
Once I’d made sure Mom was completely ready, I wandered to the bathroom to check my reflection. I’d already done it at least two dozen times, so what was once more? I was wearing a flowing white sundress, my black hair braided down my back. I didn’t wear a lot of makeup and had only applied mascara and lip gloss. Even so, it was hard to miss how brightly my eyes danced with anticipation. It belied the knots in my stomach.
“Shana? Are you coming, dear? We’re going to be late.”
“Oh, of course.
Brody
she can remember,” I grumbled to myself. With one last self-searching look in the mirror, I turned and walked out the door.
We didn’t have much of a walk and Brody must have seen us coming, because he was waiting at the door when we walked onto the porch. He was wearing the same khakis from earlier and had thrown on a light blue polo. I had to admit, I kind of preferred him with his shirt off.
“Hello, Mrs. Davidson. How are you this evening?”
I was feeling queasy from nerves, but my mom turned her beautiful smile on him and said, “Why, hello, Brody. It’s so good to see you, honey,” and allowed him to kiss her cheek.
I was just starting to relax when he turned those intense eyes on me. God, he made my heart feel tight in my chest.
“And how are you tonight, Shana?”
“Fine.” I forced a smile. “Your manners certainly have improved in the last two decades.”
“
My
manners?” He feigned astonishment. “You were the one who didn’t even let me win at Pac Man!”
“Well, I was still mad you wanted me to be a boy.”
He reached out and took my arm before pulling me into his embrace. “I sure am glad you aren’t.”