I giggled and looked up at him just as he bent his face to mine. The second our lips touched, I felt electricity crackle throughout my body. Just that simple, chaste peck and he had me weak in the knees. Unbidden, my mind remembered seeing Brody naked, waiting for me on the bed… I wondered how much different he looked now…
“Shana? Are you blushing?”
“No, I’m just… let’s go in.”
“You’re not still mad are you? I was nine, cut me a break!”
I rolled my eyes at him, but I was smiling as he led me into the house. My mother, I saw with surprise, had already settled next to his on the couch. They were talking like the old friends they were and it lifted a bit of the burden I’d been carrying. Maybe the night would go well after all.
Brody and I sat down on the loveseat opposite our parents and his mom said, “Hey, Shana, do you remember when Brody was twelve and—”
“Convinced me to jump my bike over three trashcans,” I finished with a soft smile. “Yes, how could I forget? Mom rushed me to the ER, and afterwards we were both grounded so long I thought I’d be homeschooled for college.”
“Would have been closer,” Brody quipped.
I turned toward him, looking for any of the resentment I’d seen in the past when the topic had arisen. To my relief, his eyes were laughing at me. I felt my guard slip down another notch. Maybe we could do this, sit and talk and be friends.
Friends
? Is that what I wanted? Is that all he could ever be?
“Why, I remember those days like it happened yesterday,” Mom beamed.
“There were several years there where I stopped being sure which one of them I gave birth to,” his mom chimed in. “Both of you were in and out of here all the time.”
So began an hour long conversation of ‘remember when’ filled with tender looks and laughter. I’d always dreaded such a moment, afraid that it would be too painful to relive the memories with Brody sitting next to me. To my surprise, I laughed as hard as anyone and Brody never said anything to make me the least bit uncomfortable. We were having so much fun, the food was almost forgotten. Forgotten, that is, until we heard the smoke alarm go off.
“The bread!” Brody’s mom exclaimed, leaping to her feet and speed-walking out of the living room.
“Not much has changed at all,” Brody laughed. “Mom still forgets everything when she gets to talking.”
“Like you don’t?” she challenged playfully from the kitchen.
“Nope, I’m pretty single-minded when it comes to my stomach.” He grinned at me and lowered his voice to a husky whisper. “Among other things.”
I felt my cheeks blush even as my stomach churned with slow, delicious heat.
“Well, the bread’s a lost cause, but otherwise, dinner’s ready. Everyone come eat.”
Brody stood up and offered me a hand. Against my better judgment, I reached out and took it. Just like at the wedding, the minute my fingers made contact with him, a thrill of excitement shot through me, warming my body from the inside out. The slow, sexy smile that spread across his face showed me that I wasn’t the only one feeling the sexual current charging between us.
Mom was already sitting at the dining room table, so I hurried to take the seat beside her, leaving Brody to sit beside his mom across the table. If I’d thought it would lessen the desire pulsing in every inch of my body, I was sadly mistaken. While it did eliminate having his hand on my knee or something like that, being across from his smoldering eyes was nearly as bad. I tried to avoid his gaze as his mom brought our drinks to the table and we began dishing the food out onto our plates. Despite my best intentions, as soon as we’d said grace, I found my eyes drawn back to his.
He grinned in acknowledgement—was my lust scrawled across my face or something?—and slowly ran his tongue over his bottom lip, making my sex clench. Back when we were dating, that had always been his oh-so-subtle signal for
let’s get it on
.
Thankfully, our mothers seemed blissfully ignorant of the mounting tension at the table. They were chatting between bites of spaghetti as though nothing was out of the ordinary. I was grateful for their inattention, whether feigned or genuine. I couldn’t handle anyone pointing out the elephant in the room just now.
“So, Shana, are you glad to be back home?”
I turned to his mom, trying to ignore the searing feeling of having Brody’s eyes on me. “Yes, I think I am.”
“Was it very exciting in Minnesota?”
I considered her as I ate a forkful of salad. “Um, I don’t know if exciting is the word I’d use. More like busy.”
“Must be,” she nodded, “being a doctor and all.”
“Doesn’t leave time for much else, does it, Shana?”
I winced at my mom’s seemingly innocent question. I could feel Brody’s eyes burning a hole in my forehead as he implored me to look at him. “It doesn’t, but I don’t regret it.”
Now
things were awkward. I heard Brody’s mom clear her throat and my cheeks burned as I looked down at the white linen tablecloth. Why had I put it like that? Why had I sounded so defensive? No one here was judging me—were they?
“Excuse me,” I said, pushing my chair back. “I’m going to step out for some air.” I didn’t give anyone a chance to protest before I whirled on my heel and swept out of the room.
So stupid
, I chided myself.
Why do you always have to ruin everything?
The trouble was, I wasn’t sure exactly what I was ruining. Yes, it was clear Brody wanted to screw me ten ways from Sunday, but did he love me? How could he, after all this time? Those feelings I felt bubbling inside of me, longing to break free… did I still love him? Back when he’d proposed, I’d been so convinced that neither of us had the first clue about love… was it possible I had been wrong?
I sat on the porch swing and pulled my legs to my chest, resting my head on my knees and hugging myself as my mind whirled with questions I couldn’t answer. It would be so much easier if he were just married already! As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I was filled with a sickening dread. Would it? Would it really? Maybe the only way to end this was—
At that moment, the porch door swung open and Brody walked out. “Hey.”
I couldn’t look at him. God, why did he make my insides twist and turn? Being in his arms was the only way I ever found relief from the turmoil.
“You OK?”
I studiously studied my toenails—the lavender polish was peeling—as I felt him sit down beside me. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Do you want to tell me why you ran out?” he asked as he rocked back and forth.
“I told you, I just needed some fresh air.”
“Why?”
“Oh, Brody,” I sighed. “You know why.”
“Because being around me makes you feel uncomfortable?”
I finally found the courage to raise my head and meet his eyes. “Not uncomfortable exactly. Just… confused.”
“Confused I can work with.” He grinned at me, his teeth glinting in the soft moonlight as he leaned toward me. “You want to try an experiment?”
“What kind of experiment?” I’d meant to sound as wary as I felt, but with him this close to me, so close I could smell the aftershave on his sweet skin, my voice came out as a desire-filled murmur.
“Well, for example,” he leaned in close and whispered in my ear, “I want you. Now, how does that make you feel?”
Tingles of excitement and euphoria chased each other up and down my spine, but there weren’t enough words in the English language to describe it. Then, when the meaning of his words washed over me, oh, then… my sex clenched and released over and over again as I felt my panties dampening, all of which rendered me incapable of answering his question. Not that I was sure I even
wanted
to answer.
“Shana,” he said in a husky murmur, as he ran a hand up and down my arm. “You didn’t answer me. How do you feel?”
How did I feel? I felt like my body was betraying me, responding to him despite my reservations. My skin warmed at his touch, and unconsciously I leaned toward him, my whole heart humming with a secret kind of happy. My body reacted to this one simple caress more strongly than it had to any other human in more than a decade and it scared the crap out of me. I wasn’t ready, didn’t know if I’d ever be ready.
“Shan?” His voice was so husky, so damn familiar and comforting that I wanted to lose myself in it.
I love you
. It pulsed inside me, answering him when I could not. Even after all this time… “It’s nice,” I answered at last, unable to shake his eyes from me.
“Nice,” he echoed with a chuckle as though he knew all the things I wasn’t saying. For all I knew, they were etched over my face in permanent marker, unable to ever be erased. He leaned forward and captured my lips with his own; the kiss started soft and turned insistent within the space of mere heartbeats.
Stop
, one side of me protested, just as the other said,
don’t stop
. I didn’t know what I wanted, except to feel like this, the way I felt with him—safe, loved, whole. Before rationale could get in the way, I found myself kissing him back, sliding my tongue into his mouth to merge with his own. As the kiss deepened, he slid his arms around me, hauling me on to his lap. I went willingly, putting a hand to his broad, firm chest as we made up for lost time.
I had no idea how long we stayed like that, only that we kissed until I was dizzy and my lips were swollen from his attentions. When we finally broke apart, I laid my head on his chest and he began to rock us back and forth.
“And now?” he asked. “How do you feel now?”
To my surprise, I realized that the frantic, warring voices in my head had stopped. I didn’t feel doubt, confusion, turmoil. “I feel like I’m finally home.”
His arms slid down my waist until he was cupping my bottom in his large, warm hands. “That’s what I like to hear.”
I tilted my head back and saw that the green was taking over the brown; the two colors swirled together, drawing me in as my lips searched for another kiss. He granted my silent petition, lowering his head to put a gentle kiss on my lips. When he pulled back, I moaned in protest.
“That’s enough for now,” he said, soft and insistent. “We should… talk.”
“I don’t want to talk,” I said with a pout.
Brody laughed at me. “All right, sulk. See where that gets you.”
There was a warning in his smile that I didn’t quite understand. All I knew for sure was that it made my tummy flip excitedly.
“I know how to loosen that tongue,” he chuckled. “Are you thirsty?”
“A little,” I admitted, still pouting a bit.
“Be right back.” He picked me up easily and set me down as he walked back into the house. True to his word, it wasn’t long before he returned, bearing a bottle of wine and two glasses.
“Oh, no,” I groaned. “Come on, no fair.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because you know I can never resist a vintage blush!”
“That I do,” he grinned wickedly. “The way I figure it, if I get a glass or two in you then I can ask anything I want to,” he said as he uncorked the wine.
“What do you want to know, exactly?” I asked, watching him fill our glasses.
“How was Minnesota?”
“You don’t need to get me drunk to ask that!” I exclaimed with a giggle.
“Maybe not.” He handed me a glass, which I accepted. “But maybe I do. I want to know how it
really
was.”
“Meaning?” I asked as I sipped. It had been almost a year since I’d bothered with any type of alcohol—drinking alone wasn’t much fun—and it had an instantaneous effect as it hit my bloodstream. Brody loved exploiting the fact that I was a lightweight—damn him.
The swing shifted as he sat back down. “Meaning, did you leave someone behind?”
“Someone?” I echoed, although I knew very well what he was really asking.
“Someone I need to be worried about?”
“A guy, you mean?” I grinned knowingly. “No, there isn’t anyone.” I took another sip, feeling it tingle along my throat as it went down. “Well, there was. But he… he found someone else.”
“He’s an idiot,” Brody answered immediately. “Should I shake his hand or punch him in the face?”
I shook my head, unable to wipe the grin from my face even as we talked about my ex. “What does it matter to you, anyway? Since we’re asking questions, why haven’t
you
found anyone?”
“Oh, I’ve found plenty, I just threw them all back.”
“Brody!” I exclaimed. “Seriously!”
“I am serious, Shan. There hasn’t been anyone special in…” His eyes bore into me and I caught his meaning without having to hear him say the words aloud. “Well, in a long time.”
“I see.”
“Hmm,” he agreed noncommittally. “What a pair we make. I don’t know about you, but I sure thought life would turn out differently.”
I twisted the stem of the glass, liking the cool feel of glass on my fingertips. “Yeah. I thought when I was a doctor I’d finally have everything I’ve ever wanted, but…”
“You help people, though. That must be worth something.”
“Oh, it is. But it also can be… kind of lonely.” I admitted, saying the thing aloud that I’d been afraid to tell anyone for the last decade and a half.
“Then I guess it’s good to be home. Staying with your mom must help with that.”
“Hmm.” I smiled tightly—if he only knew. In that moment, vulnerable from the intimate kiss we’d shared and the alcohol buzzing through my bloodstream, I considered coming clean. He’d listen, and God knew I needed a listening ear. I was so mixed up emotionally when it came to the stuff going on with Mom—it would feel great to get it off my chest and share the burden with someone.
“I guess both of our moms thought they’d have grandchildren by now, huh?” he asked, and the moment passed.
“Maybe yours,” I teased. “Mine sleeps easy, because she knows even if I don’t come through, she’s still got Jonas.”
“Lucky you,” he said, his expression frozen between a grin and a grimace. “I get the whole ‘when are you going to find a nice girl’ speech at least once a week. She even left Match.com up on my computer the last time she came by my place.”
“She didn’t!” I giggled, but I could definitely picture her doing it. “What’d you do?”