The Minnesota Candidate (31 page)

The plan had been to wake up at midnight, but
neither woman woke until well past five in the morning. Doris was
the first to rise. She dressed in a new black blouse over a pair of
black stretch pants. She then put on a pot of coffee. The smell of
the fresh brew woke Marie from her hibernation. She dressed in
yesterday’s clothes and stomped into the kitchen. “I feel like
shit,” she grumbled. “I tried telling you that I had heat
stroke.”

Doris rolled her eyes as she poured them both a
cup of coffee. “All you ever do is complain, Marie, can’t you ever
try to look at the bright side?”

“What bright side are you talking about? I’m
single, pushing sixty, big-boned, and I’m out of smokes.”

Doris handed Marie a cup of coffee and put her
fingers to her lips. She then pulled a twenty dollar bill out from
her blouse pocket. “I found this in the cookie jar,” she whispered.
“Can you still drive a car?”

Marie perked up at the sight of the cash. “Hell
yes,” she said. “What time do they get up on Sundays?”

Doris shrugged her shoulders. “Who cares? I
asked Tommy to get us some cigarettes, yesterday. Did he do it? No.
Besides, if we leave now, they’ll never know we were even
gone.”

Marie gulped her coffee and then she ran her
fingers through her tangled mat of hair. “How do I look?” she
asked.

“You look fine. I’ll go into the store. There’s
a little mom and pop place just down the road. I think they open at
six.”

Marie looked at the clock on the wall and turned
back to Doris. “Well, what are we waiting for?”

Doris walked over and picked up Shari’s keys
from the counter. They then walked outside. The morning sky was a
pinkish color, but the western horizon was black with storm clouds.
There was a distant rumble of thunder. Doris walked inside the
service door to the garage and she pressed the button for the
garage door opener. Slowly, the big door yawned open. “Can you
drive one of these things?” she asked.

“I can drive anything with wheels. Remember, I
used to drive a truck.”

Doris did remember that. Marie had attended a
truck driver training course at a technical school, but that had
been many years ago. That was during Marie’s decades-long
postsecondary school phase. Back then, Marie had always been going
to some kind of school, but as far as Doris knew, she hadn’t
attained a single degree or certificate. What she had earned was a
mountain of student loan debt.

Marie climbed behind the wheel and Doris hopped
in the passenger seat and handed her the keys. “How long has it
been since you’ve driven a car?”

“I think Reagan was still president.”

“Oh, well that wasn’t so long ago.”

“Nah, it’s just like riding a bike,” Marie said,
sticking the key into the ignition and starting up the red BMW. The
car told the women to buckle up and both women obeyed. Marie
shifted into reverse and slowly backed out of the garage. “You
see,” she said, “there’s nothing to it.”

“This is just like old times,” said Doris,
smiling. “Do you remember us stealing Vince’s car?”

“He was your husband and my brother, we didn’t
steal anything.”

“That’s not what he said.”

Marie pressed buttons until she found the one
that controlled her window. She put it all the way down. “Vince was
an asshole. I can’t believe you even married him.”

Doris stared out the passenger window as the BMW
crawled down the driveway. She didn’t like it when Marie said bad
things about Vince. They passed through the gate and Marie stopped
at the end of the driveway. “Take a right,” said Doris.

Marie steered onto the empty street and then she
stomped on the gas pedal. The BMW took off like a rocket. “Woo!”
cried Marie. “This is one helluva car!”

“Slow down! Do you want to get a ticket? You
don’t even have a driver’s license!”

Marie ignored Doris as she snaked the high
performance car through a series of S curves. “Yeah baby!” she
shouted, her tangled hair flying in the wind.

“I’m warning you, Marie! Slow down!”

“What did you say?”

“I said… slow down!”

“Oh, you’re no fun,” grunted Marie. She pressed
on the brake and brought their speed back to the posted limit.
“You’ve got to loosen up, Doris. We don’t have a lot of time left
on this planet. We have to live while we still can.”

“We’ll have plenty of time for living large, but
after we get into that house. Now, will you please control
yourself? The store is up around a corner, somewhere. You have to
watch for it.”

“I can’t believe how good it feels to drive a
car. I’m buying one of these with my share of the money. You should
buy one, too.”

“I’ve never driven a car and you know it. I’m
too old to learn how.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“Hey, you just passed the store. That was
it!”

Marie slammed on the brakes and whipped a
U-turn, smoking the tires of the BMW. She then whipped into the
parking lot of the little store. She had no sooner shifted into
park when red lights flashed in the rearview mirror. “Oh shit,”
whispered Marie.

“Are you kidding me? I told you to cool it, but
no, you wouldn’t listen to me. We’re going to jail, Marie. You know
that, don’t you?”

“We’re not going anywhere,” she hissed,
unbuttoning her blouse to reveal chalky white cleavage. “Let me
handle this.”

“We’re going to jail.”

“Shut up!”

Slowly, the young male police officer approached
Marie’s open window. “Good morning,” he said, leaning over and
peering inside. “You were in quite a hurry back there. Is
everything alright?”

Marie batted her eyes at the young man. “I’m
sorry about that. Umm... no, actually my sister in-law has been
really sick this morning. She has an explosive case of diarrhea.
We’re trying to get her something to settle her tummy.”

The young cop, who Doris thought was quite
handsome, gave her a sympathetic look. “Is that so?” he asked.

Doris gave him a pained expression and nodded
her head. “This is so embarrassing,” she said, meaning every word
of it.

The cop seemed to consider this and he looked at
his watch. “Lady,” he said to Marie, “this is your lucky day. I’m
getting off in fifteen minutes and I’m letting you off with a
warning. If I ever catch you driving like that again, I’ll write
you so many tickets that you’ll never get your license back. Do you
understand me?”

“Yes sir, thank you, sir.”

“Now, get into that store before your poor
sister in-law has an accident. And slow down!”

“Yes sir, thank you, sir.”

The young cop just shook his head and he walked
back to his car. Doris handed Marie the twenty. Marie hauled
herself out of the little car and practically ran into the store.
While she was inside, much to Doris’ relief, the police car sped
away. Marie returned and handed Doris a pack of Marlboros and a
small tube of Tums. Doris tore open the Tums and popped four wafers
into her mouth. “Do you know how lucky you are?” she asked, chewing
on the Tums.

Marie tossed her hair back. “Works every time,”
she giggled.

“Why didn’t you tell him that you were sick to
your stomach? He was pretty cute.”

“You just answered your own question,” said
Marie, starting up the car and backing out of the parking spot. A
car horn blared, followed by the sound of screeching tires. Marie
waved her hand out the window and quickly shifted into drive. “Did
you see that maniac?” she asked. “He almost hit us.”

“You never even checked your mirror before you
backed out!”

“Hello… I did have the right of way. I was in a
parking lot.”

Doris shook her head and grimaced. During the
ride back, Marie tried lighting up a cigarette. Doris shook her
finger at Marie and sternly shook her head. “Show a little
respect,” she said.

Marie rolled her eyes, but said nothing. She
pulled the BMW into the driveway and she stopped at the gate. “What
do I do now?” she asked.

“You’ve got to wave that little thingy in front
of that black thing.”

“Wave what in front of what?”

Doris groaned and pointed to the little plastic
tab that Tommy had used to open the gate. She then pointed to the
black sensor pad. “Just wave it in front of the pad,” she said.

Marie did as instructed and the gate slowly
began to open. “I’m going to get one of these,” she said, nodding
to the gate. “That’ll keep the riff-raff out.”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t want someone stealing your
BMW,” said Doris.

The two women were overcome by a fit of
laughter. Marie laughed for so long that the gate nearly closed
before she could drive through it. On the other side, Marie stopped
the car and shifted into park. “Hey,” she said. “I just had an
idea.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, we’ve still got to find a way to get that
damn heavy ladder down behind the house, right?”

“Well… yeah.”

“And the ladder is just over there, right?”

Doris nodded as she slowly got the picture. “And
you think we should put the ladder on the roof of the car?”

“That’s exactly what I’m thinking. You can hang
onto it and I’ll drive it all the way around to the back of the
house.”

“I don’t know… what if you get stuck?”

“That ground is as hard as rock,” said Marie,
already climbing out the driver’s door. “Let’s do it.”

Doris tossed up her hands in exasperation. She
unfastened her seatbelt and met Marie at the front of the idling
car. They lit up cigarettes and walked into the woods. Lightning
flashed and it was followed by a rumble of thunder. A cloud of
hungry gnats swarmed in the cigarette smoke. The women each took an
end of the ladder and they waddled out of the woods, puffing clouds
of smoke to hold the gnats at bay. Using all of their combined
strength, they heaved the ladder onto the roof of the shiny BMW.
The roof made a scratchy sound as they slid the ladder into a
balancing position. “I hope they’re not out of bed,” said Doris.
“We’d have a hard time talking ourselves out of this one.”

“You can say that again, sister. Okay, hop in,
you’re going to have to stick your arm out the window and hang onto
the ladder.”

“Why do you always talk to me like a child? I
have a brain, ya know. I know what to do.”

Marie didn’t reply. They climbed back into the
car and she began to drive. She drove slowly, but the curves in the
driveway and the length of the ladder proved to be a bad
combination. They had to stop three times to heft the ladder back
onto the roof. Each time the ladder slid off, the roof screeched.
When they were out of the woods, Marie turned the BMW down onto the
lawn. The car began to bounce. Despite Doris’ grip, the ladder
rocked up and down, banging off the trunk and hood. “Hang onto the
damn thing,” growled Marie.

“I’m trying! Slow down, you stupid idiot! I
can’t hold it!”

“Who are you calling a stupid idiot?”

They argued like this all the way around to the
back of the house. Marie, determined to complete this phase of the
mission, didn’t stop the car until they were exactly where they
needed to be. She slapped the transmission into park and jumped out
of the car. Doris climbed out and she gasped when she saw the
damage. The ladder had left crumpled grooves in the roof of the
car. Both the hood and trunk were heavily dented. “Well, isn’t this
just great?” she asked. “We are in such deep shit.”

“Hey, what the hell were we supposed to do? We
did get the ladder back here.”

“Don’t talk to me. Let’s just get this thing off
the car and get back to the house.”

Lightning crashed nearby and Marie ran to the
front of the car. Doris held up her hands and scrambled to the
back. Like a pair of veteran firefighters, they hefted the ladder
off of the roof and tossed it down onto the lawn. They hopped back
into the car and Marie followed her tire tracks back to the
driveway. “This looks like a really bad storm,” said Marie. “Look
at how black the sky is.”

Thunder rolled above them as Doris stared at the
clouds. Marie sped up the driveway, trying to beat the rain.
Halfway there, large hailstones began falling from the sky; the
size of baseballs, they slammed into the sheet metal and left
fist-sized pockmarks. The windshield first cracked, then it
spider-webbed. Doris screamed. “Open the garage door!” Marie
fumbled with the control, just as the interior of the car was
filled with blazing blue light. Doris felt a blast of electricity
in the fillings of her teeth. She stared at Marie in horror. “Look
out!” she cried.

Behind Marie, the big oak tree began to crack.
Doris flung open her door and leapt from the sports car. Behind
her, like a cat in a bathtub, Marie clawed her way out the
passenger door. She slammed it shut and scrambled inside the garage
to join Doris. The old oak cracked again and then it crashed to the
ground, smashing the BMW under its massive trunk and limbs. Doris
and Marie hugged each other. Then, shaking with terror, they both
lit up cigarettes.

The service door opened and Shari and Tom ran
out into the garage. “Oh my God!” gasped Shari, “my poor little
car!”

“I thought you parked it inside the garage?”
asked Tom.

“No,” said Marie, shaking her head. “That car
was parked right there when we came out here to smoke, wasn’t it,
Doris?”

Doris, who was still shaking with fear, could
only nod her head.

“Are you two okay?” asked Shari. “That must have
been terrifying.”

“Yeah,” said Marie, “we came out here and opened
the big door. We lit up our smokes and the next thing you know,
wham! Your car was toast.”

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” said Shari,
stepping over to stand next to Doris. “Give me one of those. My
insurance company is going to drop us, I just know it.”

Doris handed Shari a cigarette and she held up
her lighter for Shari. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, honey. At
least you weren’t sitting behind the wheel when that tree fell. My
word, you would have been smashed like a bug.”