The Minnesota Candidate (33 page)

“You know I can, but I never know when you’re
joking. That really hurts my feelings.”

Marie put her hands on her hips. “What, you have
feelings? That’s a shocker.”

“You see, there you go. Every time I open my
mouth, you just have to say something snotty. You must have a
diseased brain to think like that. It isn’t normal.”

“Oh, I’m not normal. I have a diseased brain.
Will you stop and listen to yourself? You should be talking into
the mirror.”

“Do you know what? I’m done with you. You think
it’s a weakness to pay people compliments or to say nice stuff
about anything. Well, I’m done being the butt of your little jokes.
I’m going to tell Tommy to take you home.”

“Yeah, how is he supposed to do that?”

Doris thought about that and then she pointed to
Chona’s Ford. “I’ll see if Sam will drive you. I’m not kidding,
Marie. I just can’t take any more of your snide remarks.”

“Okay, I’m sorry, is that what you wanted to
hear? I have depression issues, Doris, you know that. I sometimes
talk without thinking. Look, I know that this is your score and
that you were nice enough to let me in on it. I appreciate that, I
really do. But I’m always gonna be rough around the edges. That’s
just who I am. Why do you think I’ve never been married? I just
tell it like it is.”

Doris sighed and shook her head. She knew that
this was the closest Marie had ever come to apologizing to anyone
about anything. She had to accept her wimpy apology before Marie
called her bluff. She hadn’t really meant a word about sending
Marie packing. She needed her. “You got big bells,” said Doris.
“Fine, let’s put this behind us and get to work. Just watch it with
those snappy answers, okay?”

“I’ve got big what? Oh, never mind, I’ll be in
the garage.”

Doris paused, waiting for Marie to add some
vinegar to her words, but she didn’t. Doris walked in the patio
door and found the two couples seated in the living room. She
pretended to busy herself with a stack of magazines and strained
her ears. The room remained silent. When Doris looked up, all eyes
were on her. “Ma, we’re trying to have a private conversation. Do
you mind?”

“We’re all family,” she replied, offering them
her sweetest smile. “I don’t mind at all.”

“Yeah?” asked Chona, “well, I’m not part of the
family and I do mind. We’re not talking about anything that has to
do with you.”

Doris picked up a heavy candlestick and imagined
how good it would feel to bash Chona’s brains out with it. Still
smiling and still holding the candlestick, she walked out of the
dining room and into the kitchen.

“I’m sorry,” whispered Chona. “I just didn’t
want her to hear what we were talking about. I hope that was
okay.”

“There is nothing to be sorry about,” insisted
Shari. “She likes to hover and listen in on conversations.”

Tom was going to defend his mother, but he knew
Shari was right. His mom was the queen of all snoops. “So, what do
you think, honey?” he asked, hoping to change the subject. “Will
you let us in there?”

Shari jumped up from the sofa and began pacing
the room. “Yes… I mean no… God, what the hell is wrong with
me?”

“Tom is probably right,” said Chona. “I’m pretty
sure you’ve been chipped. What is in there that you don’t want
anyone to see? Think about it, Shari, why do you have this
obsession with keeping the world out of that house?”

“Trust me, there’s nothing in there that anyone
can’t see. My parents were just regular people with extraordinary
talent. I miss them so much.”

“Hold it,” said Tom, waving his hands. He stared
toward the dining room. “Ma, I can see you in there. Why don’t you
grab a bottle of wine and take it down to the boat. When we’ve
finished here, I’ll take you ladies out for a putt around the
bay.”

Doris walked out from her hiding spot. She was
carrying a brown shopping bag and wearing her most innocent
expression. “Thank you, Tommy. That would be nice. Um… I packed us
a little lunch,” she said, pointing to the brown bag. “I know
you’re trying to have a private conversation, so I’ll leave you
alone.”

Shari glared across the room until Doris was out
the door. “Like I was saying,” she said, “before we were so rudely
interrupted.”

“Hey,” said Tom.

“Hey, what?” asked Shari. “She’s always stalking
us and I’m really getting tired of it.”

“You think this is bad?” asked Sam.

“How can you live like this?” asked Chona. “My
God, I’d go crazy.”

“Stop it,” said Tom, “we’re getting off track.
Shari, I felt like we were about to have a breakthrough. Are you
going to unlock the big house and let us in? Don’t you see, Shari?
That’s the only way to get the monkey off your back. Come on,
honey, let’s go over there right now. What do you say?”

Suddenly, Shari’s fingers curled into claws and
her face turned as red as a ripe tomato. With blood in her eyes,
she approached Tom.

“This is worse than I thought,” shouted Chona,
standing up between Tom and Shari. “Shari, snap out of it!”

Shari continued advancing as if Chona wasn’t
there. Still walking, she crouched low to the ground and got into a
fighting stance. Tom peered around Chona and couldn’t believe the
awful look Shari gave him. She looked as if she might try to kill
him. Chona, who had been standing her ground, stepped forward and
slapped Shari, hard. Shari roared with anger. Then, as fast as
Billy Jack had ever been, she kicked Chona in the face with her
right foot. Chona spun completely around, but never lost her
footing.

“Holy crap,” said Sam.

“Look at yourself!” shouted Chona, rubbing her
cheek. “Shari, you’ve got to snap out of it!”

But she wasn’t talking to Shari, not the one who
had been there only moments ago. This was Robot Shari, and
unbeknownst to her, she had been programmed in five of the Martial
Arts. She jabbed out with a throat punch, but Chona, a ninth degree
Black Belt, blocked the jab and kicked Shari in the meaty part of
her thigh. Shari never even flinched. She circled Chona in the
middle of the living room. She tried a judo chop, but Chona twisted
out of the way, her long hair flying; Shari grabbed a handful of
that black hair and jerked Chona to her knees.

“Get up!” shouted Sam.

“Shari, look what you’re doing!”

Chona gave a wild cry and lashed out with her
fists. Shari cried out in pain and let go of Chona’s hair, but
Chona continued her advance. She lashed out with vicious kicks and
thrusts. Shari blocked many of these, but she couldn’t block them
all. One of the punches, a straight shot to the nose, knocked Shari
to her senses. She doubled over and cupped her hands over her nose,
crying out in pain: “My doze!”

Chona, who was already planting her feet to
deliver a roundhouse kick, caught herself. “Shari?” she asked. “Are
you okay?”

“What?” asked Shari, standing up and letting her
hands fall away from her face. Two streams of blood gushed from her
nose. “You punched me,” she said in obvious disbelief. “What I ever
do to you?”

Tom ran to the kitchen and ran cold water over a
clean washcloth. He rang it out and brought it back to Shari, who
was now seated on the sofa. Chona was explaining what had happened,
but Shari remembered none of it. “You’ve had some training,” said
Chona. “You must remember it.”

Shari stared at Chona. “I’ve never been in a
fight and I’ve never had any training. I hate fighting.”

“You could have fooled me,” said Chona, touching
her cheek.

“Oh my, did I do that. You had better get some
ice on that.”

“What the hell happened in here?” asked
Doris.

“Looks like we missed a catfight,” said
Marie.

“Oh Jesus,” said Sam. “Will you two just leave
us alone?”

“Ma, I told you to wait for me down by the boat.
Now, will you please leave? We’re trying to settle something.”

“Can I put ten bucks on the Asian?” asked
Marie.

Chona turned with an expression so horrible that
it sent the women scrambling out the patio door. “Keep them away
from me!” she shrieked.

“They’re gone now,” said Tom, soothingly. “Just
calm down, Chona, everything is going to be alright.”

“I’ll get you some ice,” said Sam. “Just sit
down and cool your jets.”

“I must have been chipped,” said Shari, dabbing
blood from her nostrils. “That’s the only thing that explains what
just happened. I’m not a fighter. Hell, I’m not even athletic. You
say that I did that to your face?”

Chona touched her cheek again and she turned to
Sam. “I’ll take that ice, anytime now,” she growled. She then
returned her attention to Shari. “I’ve fought women twice your size
and they weren’t half as good as you were. Do you have any idea how
much money I’ve spent on my training? You almost beat me.”

“I don’t know how. I don’t remember any of
it.”

Chona nodded. “Are you going to open the house
for us?”

Shari’s fingers began to curl up and her eyes
grew dark, but Chona sank into a striking stance. “What’s happening
to me?” asked Shari. “I just wanted to kill you. I could feel
it.”

“Here,” said Sam, handing Chona some ice cubes
wrapped in a dish towel. “You might want to get a steak on that
thing. It’s pretty ugly.”

Chona pressed the ice against her face and
grimaced. “You wanted to kill me because you were programmed to
keep people out of that house. Try and remember that. I hate to say
this, but we can’t risk bringing you along when we look for the ray
gun. It’s just too risky. You might go robot on us and shoot us all
dead.”

“She’s right,” said Sam. “I was just thinkin’
the same thing.”

“But I can’t let you in there,” cried Shari.

“You see, you’re already regressing,” said
Chona.

“She sounds like a crazy woman,” said Marie.

Sam jumped to his feet. “Will you get outta
here?”

“I got to go to the bathroom. For crying out
loud, will you just stop treating me like a two year-old?”

Doris stood at the open patio door with her hand
cupped to her good ear. She hadn’t heard everything, but she
thought she had heard enough. She walked down to the dock and lit
up a smoke. Tommy had married a robot. She couldn’t believe it, but
that’s what the Chinese bitch had called her and nobody had argued.
Doris had seen movies about robot people, but she had never met one
in person. She took a long drag on her Marlboro and inhaled,
deeply. Doris wondered if robots were able to own property. She
didn’t think so, but she would ask Marie.

Marie arrived a minute later, holding a freshly
lit cigarette in a backwards peace sign. “Looks like they really
went at it,” she said, exhaling smoke. “I think Shari’s nose is
broken.”

“She’s a robot, she can get a new one,” said
Doris. “You heard what they said.”

“I don’t think they meant that she was a hundred
percent robot. I think she’s more like a Steve Austin kind of
robot.”

Doris nodded, that seemed more likely, but it
put a damper on her argument against robots owning property. “So,
I’ve got the bionic woman for a daughter in-law, huh?”

“I hate to say it, but I think so. No wonder
Tommy loves her, I’ll bet she’s good in the sack.”

“Will you stop it? That’s just gross. I don’t
want to think of them like that.”

“Simmer down, I was only kidding. Ya know, maybe
that was what was wrong with Shari’s face. I’ll bet she had a short
circuit… or something like that.”

“What difference does that make? You heard what
they said. We have to get in there. I think we should go, right
now.”

Marie looked over her shoulder, up at the big
brick house. She nodded her head and puffed on her cigarette. “I
almost forgot to tell you the good news,” she said, exhaling a long
stream of smoke.

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“You were right about there being a circuit
breaker in the garage for the big house. She even has it marked as
her parent’s house. Whatever robot parts she’s got, I don’t think
they’re in her brain. That’s pretty stupid, if ya ask me.”

“She’s dumber than… three guys changing a light
bulb.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind… I say we grab our stuff and go. Do
you have to go to the bathroom?”

“No, I just went. What about you?”

Doris shook her head. “I don’t have to go. Let’s
get moving, it sounds like they’re wearing Shari down. We can’t let
Sam get in there before we do.”

Marie’s eyes went wild and she tossed her
cigarette into the lake. Like an offensive lineman, she squared her
big shoulders and began to run up-field, towards the garage. Doris
followed her, cradling the paper sack like a football.

Chapter 25

Sam and Tom took Chona’s Ford into town to pick
up a few necessities from the grocery store, while Chona poured
over Norma’s journals. Shari sat in the living room and stared out
the window. She had never felt so conflicted about anything in her
entire life. Shari was losing her grip on reality and she knew it,
which only made it worse. She turned on the television and her hand
quickly shot to her mouth. “Oh no,” she groaned.

Chona looked up and stared at the man’s picture
on the TV. A smiling Senator Merle Levitz stared back at them.
There were two dates printed under Senator Levitz’s photo, the
second being today’s date. A somber man was giving the preliminary
report. The plane carrying Senator Levitz had crashed this morning
outside of Minneapolis. Miraculously, the presidential candidate
was the lone survivor of this crash, suffering what was described
as severe bumps and bruises. Tragically, while be transported by
medevac to an area hospital, the Senator’s helicopter crashed in a
wooded area near Wayzata. “Oh my God,” said Chona. “That’s just
terrible.”

Shari stared at the television in disbelief.
“Merle Levitz was one of my dad’s best friends,” she said. “He and
Gloria have had the place next door for over thirty years.”