Authors: Vivienne Harris-Scott
The
coroner
’
s
report had come back. Natural causes. Her son was buried, yet she still feels
nothing, except when Ethan touches her, except when she whispers to him, pleads
him to bring her back, except when she finally fall asleep, him still buried
inside her, their bodies slick from perspiration.
But
she knows, this can
’
t
last, this won
’
t
last. That
’
s
why she needs to leave, before Ethan realizes, he is only postponing the
inevitable, that moment he
’
ll
step out of his denial and realize the woman he has been fucking so thoroughly
for the past 3 weeks, is his son
’
s
killer.
((~~!~~))
“
E.,
I don
’
t
have to give you anything
…
don
’
t start with chances, you have had many
more than you deserve, you know I wanted to leave last year after
…
Never mind, I only stayed for Luca. I
’
ll admit we
’
ve been good, great actually for the last
year, but that doesn
’
t
change how we got here, and this is not something I can live with. I simply can
’
t be around you anymore, don
’
t you see? You are a living reminder of
him and all that went down!
”
she screams at his face, her chest heaving, as she struggles to control her
breathing.
They
are having their first argument since Luca
’
s birth, since Luca
’
s death; their first argument since the
fateful night he told her he would never let her go, right before her collapse
and the news of her cancer.
Ever
since, they
’
ve
been on such a slope of happiness, they
’
ve all but forgotten the easiness they
have in hurting each other, at a push of the wrong button.
And
tonight, it all came back.
Luca
died 11 days ago, and for the first time since, she speaks.
She
tells Ethan, she wants to leave and he accuses her aloud of killing their son,
and leaving him to deal with the aftermath. As his words linger in the air, she
retreats from the scene and thinks of Luca; and, she wishes it were her who had
died that night. She doesn
’
t
hear Ethan speak to her, nor feel him shake her. But as she is coming back to
reality, she realizes her husband is now kneeling on the floor, his head on her
lap and he is crying.
As
she caresses his hair, she thinks,
I can
’
t
leave him now. I can
’
t
do this to him. But, how do we survive this?
The
answer slips through her lips when she whispers,
“
Fuck me E.
”
((~~!~~))
She is packing her bags and Ethan is
reverting to wanting to keep her at all costs.
She
feels like she will die if she continues on the path they
’
re on. She simply can
’
t ignore it anymore. She is already in a
coffin, waiting for the lid to be shut. Her lack of feelings is what death must
be like. She is exhausted of trying to feel something, anything, to go back to
the way things were before Luca
’
s
death. She
’
s
finally admitted to herself there is no turning back for her. Not like this
anyway. Fucking into oblivion is not working and each passing day is making it
worse as Ethan thinks he
’
s
bringing her back to life when she sinks deeper into a dark cold encompassing
no man
’
s
land.
She
doesn
’
t
blame him. She is the one causing the pain here, and this why she must leave.
Before she destroys him too.
Tonight,
he fucks her to placate her and she let him because she wants it. Her body
still reacts to his, but it
’
s
no longer enough to save her, to save them. A temporary fix that reassures him;
but, as he puts her to bed that night, convinced that she is still his and is
not really leaving him, not forever, at least; she knows different.
She
has no clue what the future holds for them or how long her trip will be, but
one thing is for sure: Ethan and her are finished as they are. If there
’
s any hope of any kind of relationship
between them, she needs to go and find the resources to come back to life on
her own. Then, she
’
ll
see if she still can be a wife to her husband.
As
she falls asleep, she is thinking that tomorrow she will be on a flight to
London to do just that.
Little
does she know, tomorrow will be the day a new bombshell will be dropped on her,
setting in motion the next five years of her life.
Vi
In total, the trip to Boston took about
twenty-seven hours. She had been on 3 different continents in just one day, 2
stopovers, and a change of airline. Needless to say, when she finally landed at
Logan, she was exhausted. Business class seats and service
notwithstanding, she let out a silent groan as she walked through customs. Her
brain hurt due to the assault of memories of the time she had had a child, her
body was aching in places she didn't know could hurt, and, she was incredibly
hungry.
Ever
since seeing the blue line on the pregnancy home tests, she had been in a daze;
unable to shake her fear away as to what lay ahead. She hadn
’
t told the results to anyone, but had
booked the first flight out of Langkawi instead.
She
had flown to Paris from Kuala Lumpur, strangely enough with the purpose to
visit her mother
’
s
gravesite, something she hadn
’
t
done in 15 years. The layover until the flight that was taking her to Boston
was five hours, which gave her ample time for a short visit.
Her
mother. They hadn
’
t
been that close, but the little interaction they had over the years was
remembered fondly. Her mother always knew what to say, she had Spanish idioms
for almost any situation, she thought as tears began to escape from her eyes.
I
wonder what she
’
d
think of this
…
Soon
after the first tear dropped, a monsoon followed. She knew this was a part of
being emotionally distressed, but she really hated crying. In fact, she was
sure the last time she had actually cried in front of someone was six years ago
when Ethan was raping her. And even then, these were tears of shock and her
physical inability to breathe while living the traumatic event.
She
had rang Kevin upon leaving the cemetery telling his voicemail where she was
and if he wanted to see her, he could meet at Charles de Gaulle before her next
flight took off.
She
had wanted to see a friendly face, because she wasn
’
t sure when the next time would be.
She
would see Julian soon, and feared his reaction would not be a happy one.
She
had fought hard to ignore the pull of this man
’
s magnetism, but this new development
changed everything. She couldn
’
t
ignore it anymore. She had to tell him the news, even if he rejected her; she
had to tell him she was expecting his child.
She
didn
’
t
know what to feel. She was in love with him. This much she knew, finally
admitting it to herself after much introspection in Langkawi, but she also
remembered the last time she had been pregnant, and it scared her.
She
had been forced to think about E. A sore subject if there ever was one. E. had
been there throughout the pregnancy, making hard decisions, and she couldn
’
t fault her husband for his role in her
life at that time, He had been nothing short of perfect. She even fell back in
love with him.
Too
bad, she had learned the day of her departure that the love of her life had
betrayed her with another woman while she was carrying his child, their child,
Luca. This tainted all the good memories she had of him and his place in her
heart. She had decided she would not trust any man after this.
The
magnitude of his deceit destroying the little hope she had left, their marriage
would survive Luca
’
s
loss.
And
now, she was pregnant with Julian
’
s
baby, and if People magazine was correct, he was back with Frances Palmers,
leaving no space for her in his life, no space for their child.
But
she had to tell him. She was done with secrets.
First,
she needed to see Lily, find out if there would even be a child or a pregnancy
to talk about.
That
’
s why she was in
Boston.
((~~!~~))
The door opens, and a chirpy voice says,
“
Let it be my favourite girl!
”
I
laugh and retort,
“
Who
else has your keys? Are you telling me, you finally found a man you trust
enough with your house
’
s
keys? Please, pray tell!
”
I
was in Lily bathroom
’
s,
actually soaking in her bathtub, just three small candles lighting the entire
room when she walked in, smiling.
“
So, here you are!
”
she sits, on the tub corner.
“
So, here I am Lil,
”
I reply with a smile of my own.
She
examines me, and asks,
“
Long
flight?
”
I exhale, and say,
”
Yeah,
a couple of them
…
How
was your day?
”
She frowns and says,
“
Same
old, same old, you know, surgeries
…
Luckily,
all went well today! And now my favourite person in the entire world is
greeting me home! I say, I
’
m
having a great day!
”
she grins.
I
smile. I love her so much.
She
is still watching steadily when she says,
“
Are we going to talk about it?
”
“
What?
”
I ask innocently.
“
Well, let
’
s see. There
’
s my favourite nicoise salad, my favourite
Carbonara
pasta and a chilled bottle of
Ruländer
on the kitchen counter, which by the way couldn
’
t have come cheap
…”
she starts,
“
And let
’
s not forget a box from Les Petits Amis,
my favorite bakery in the world, is in the fridge! I haven
’
t taken a peek to open it yet, but I
’
d bet, a Black forest cake is sitting in
there
…”
she pouts, and pursues,
“
So,
I dare say, it must be something big for you to have all my favourite things in
one place, at once
…”
she trails,
“
and
…”
her index finger points at me
theatrically,
“
there
’
s you, right here
…
So, what is it, mami?
”
I
smile, and say in the most shocked tone I can muster,
“
Really, Lil? Can
’
t I just do something nice for you, out of
the goodness of my heart? Why do you think there is something
…
?
”
She
bursts out laughing, holding herself, and when she can finally speak, says,
“
Because I know you! You took the time to
go from the airport and pick up this stuff all over town, and then cooked!
Cooked! Something tells me you want me to brace myself for something, and it
can
’
t
be small! A black forest cake?!
”
She shakes her head, and says,
“
Spill
it!
”
I
cave, smile and reply,
“
Let
’
s go eat.
”
((~~!~~))
“
What
do you plan to do?
”
she asks munching with delight on her pasta.
I
feel knots in my stomach and look down at my barely touched plate.
“
Talk to him, I guess
…”
my voice slowly trails.
“
Good,
”
she states, and then adds,
“
Let
’
s hope he
’
ll be happy about it.
”
I
look up, and say in a shaky voice,
“
Well, I picked up a People magazine at
Charles de Gaulle, and from the print, he is back with Frances Palmers
…
and quote unquote
’
they
’
ve never been so much in love.
’”
She
laughs. I look at her quizzically.
“
Baby, Frances Palmers will be sent packing
the minute he hears about this, trust me! You have nothing to worry about!
”
she states reassuringly.
“
Let
’
s hope you are right,
”
I respond, uncertain.
“
Well, first things first, you are coming
to the hospital with me in the morning. We
’
ll see exactly where we are at with this.
Then, I
’
m
dropping you off at the airport so you can have some face to face time with the
father of your child-
…”
she says, but interrupts herself as if realizing what just passed her lips.
We
look at each other, and can
’
t
help but think about the last time she said these exact same words to me.
“
Vi,
”
she starts. I remain silent.
“
Baby, look, don
’
t think of E. at a time like this. I know,
of course it
’
s
stupid, an oxymoron, to even say it, but if you are going to think about him,
then at least remember how he was during your last pregnancy. Hold on to that,
and hope Julian is the same! After all, E is a lot of things, but even I, have
to admit, he was good to you, better than good, during that time
…”