Authors: Vivienne Harris-Scott
“
I spent a fortune looking for her and
protecting her, not that I care about the money, and if there is one thing I
know now: if she doesn
’
t
want to be found, neither you nor I and the people we hire to do the job will
find her. It was a sheer coincidence she entered your life, I relentlessly
pursued her to stay in mine. It seems the end result is the same. She left us
both.
”
They
face each other, Ethan
’
s
last words still lingering between them when Julia
n’
s phone starts ringing. He looks at it,
and sees
‘
private
number
’
,
thinking
“
Now
is not the time
”
,
but Ethan tells him to answer the call, he
’
s not going anywhere. Not until everything
is out in the open between them. Ethan is actually grateful for the
momentary distraction. He is glad because he isn't sure what the next thing out
of his mouth would have been. That Julian had the audacity to play Vic's
protector was disconcerting, that Ethan was the one whom he needed to protect
her from was simply offensive.
Julian
answers icily with the intent to get rid of whoever it is. When he hears her
voice, he is so shocked he can
’
t
help but say her name aloud.
Ethan
looks up at him, and repeats her name loudly, as if to make certain her heard
correctly.
He
doesn
’
t
believe in coincidences. Life taught him a long time ago that when God sends
you a sign you
’
d
better be ready and seize the moment. And when Julian turned up at his door
wanting to discuss
her,
there was the first sign.
He
watches, as Julian pales, and states where he is, and why. When his name is
mentioned and Julian coldly tells her she seemed to have conveniently forgotten
her husband, he gets up, and motion for Julian to give him the phone.
He
wants to talk to her. He needs to.
When
he hears her voice, his heart breaks. He knows she is crying, He still knows
her well. Too well.
But
before he can even enquire about her whereabouts, her friend Lily interferes
and tells him, his wife is too upset for words. He grunts to her that this isn
’
t over, he now knows where she is, so Lily
can take care of her, but he will call back and talk to
her
, soon; she
’
d better prepare herself. He is not and
will not let it go. Lily concedes and hangs up.
The
two men silently stare at each other, both thinking of what her reappearance
means. Julian is the first one to speak out, and asks,
“
What are we going to do about it?
”
Ethan gives him his first broad smile
since he has arrived, and with eyes blazing, simply states,
“
The only thing we can do, join forces and
confront her.
”
Visibly,
the man still remembers his Sun Tzu.
Damaged people are dangerous
[4]
Vi
August 2005. Langkawi, Malaysia.
We
’
re all damaged in some way. Some are just
better at hiding it than others.
I
’
m good at it, always have, for as long as
I can remember.
Ethan
is great at it. The way he compartmentalize things, people, events
…
it
’
s truly admirable, I don
’
t know many people who are as good at it
as he is. This particular skill made him a great politician.
That
’
s how we survive.
And
that
’
s
what makes us dangerous.
((~~!~~))
In order to survive, there is no other
choice.
Guilt
is a wasted emotion, so I won
’
t
feel any. What happened
happened
, and no one can
change it. This is why I didn
’
t
do penance when I went to church the day before the burial of my son, this is
why I still haven
’
t
cried for him yet.
I
knew then, that regardless of what the future held, there was only one course
of action that would allow me to survive what I
’
ve done: become emotionally void.
I
’
ve done it before. Actually, I
’
ve done it my entire life, every single time
I was hurt. From the very first day, my parents dropped me off at the Sisters.
It
’
s
the only way to go on. If you don
’
t
feel, nothing and no one can hurt you.
As
years went by, and I grew older, practice made perfect, almost on command I can
protect myself from unwanted emotions; my brain goes on autopilot when a
situation appears to be generating more emotion that I need to handle, and my
heart just shuts down.
This
is what I mean when I say: I am me. I will move on. I have. I am. I will.
Some
would say I
’
m
in denial; I say, I
’
m
surviving. All at costs.
That
’
s why I asked Ethan to fuck me. If he didn
’
t manage to make my heart feel something
that way, then nothing would, and I would know for certain, I
’
d survive Luca
’
s death, as I
’
ve survived everything else.
It
’
s all about survival. Because if you let
the pain encompass you, you
’
re
done, it
’
s
game over.
I
remember when my mother died. I didn
’
t shed a single tear, which I was told was
a very odd reaction. I just knew it would serve no purpose then, the same way
it serves no purpose now.
That
’
s not saying I
’
m not crying because I didn
’
t feel the loss. I did, I do; believe me.
Nothing, nothing can hurt you more than losing your own child; so, imagine what
it
’
s
like when you know it
’
s
all
your
doing?
Unbearable.
But if one has the tools, then, it no longer is.
Why
do you think I put him back in his crib? Why do you think I changed and went to
Marina? Why do you think I lied to the police but told Ethan the entire truth?
Because
after I found my son dead, my brain was already in survival mode. It skipped
the shock that freezes you, the fear, the pain, the anger, the anguish, the
guilt phases most people go through when faced with a horrific event or an
unbearable situation.
My
brain knows how to cope, how to make me survive, and that makes me dangerous to
other people.
Because
then, as if under attack, I
’
ll
do what is necessary, including hurt others without a second thought.
Ethan
is my first victim because he
’
s
the closest to me.
((~~!~~))
I
’
ve always known I was different, yes the
skin color and the eyes are one thing, but my insides were different too. I
’
m not a sociopath without a conscience, I do
feel; more than most actually, and that
’
s probably why from early on, I had to
control how much I could and would let myself feel. I know what is right and
wrong, most of the time. And I have tried to live my life in an honorable
manner.
Really
. I Just feel things more differently than most, whether
it
’
s
pleasure or pain. The Sisters used to punish me when I felt too much pleasure
and couldn
’
t
control myself, I should thank them for shaping me the way I am. Long years of
training make my brain respond to situations in ways that most people can
’
t comprehend if they don
’
t know me.
Beautiful
and impersonal, that
’
s
how people have seen me for years.
Which
is why becoming a lawyer was perfect. Not only I got to use my unbridled
imagination to find new interpretations of the law, but I also got to utilize
my well trained brain to do something that now came naturally to it; detach
myself from any situation and be as objective and calculating and as one can
be, cold even, if some of my clients comments are accurate.
Hell,
they
’
re
just happy to have me on their side and not the opposite.
Yes,
in a way, I am lucky to be the way I am. A monster, some will say; well, they
can go to hell
…
Look,
I left Australia 4 days ago; I
’
m
with my brother, my best friend, my grief and my cancer, so pardon me if I don
’
t really care how people view me at this
point of my life
…
Yes,
the cancer is back. Maybe, it reappeared the minute Luca died. I don
’
t know, nor care to be honest; but as of
yesterday, when I went to the St. George hospital with Lily because I was
feeling sharp pain in my pelvic area, we know it
’
s here, and worse than it ever was.
I
’
ll just do whatever needs to be done for
me to survive.
When
you have nothing else to lose and nothing scares you anymore, that
’
s all there is left.
((~~!~~))
We are arguing.
Well,
she
’
s
arguing, and I am merely listening.
Lily
tells me,
”
I
think you are being too draconian here. You love Ethan; he should be here with
you, you just lost your son and now the cancer has returned
…”
she sighs heavily,
”
Let your emotions settle a little. There
is no need to rush anything here
…
you
shouldn
’
t
be alone right now
…”
She
’
s with me in Notting Hill, where I came to
be with Deric, so I could somehow grieve in peace and regain some of my old self,
far away from Australia, far away from the scene of my crime.
I
smile but I know it doesn
’
t
reach my eyes,
“
You
say let my emotions settle. My problem is, I
’
ve had none, and every day I become more
dead. Staying with Ethan was just a slower death.
”
I clear my throat and explain,
”
What struck me most Lil, was that I was
feeling. She told me she was having an affair with my husband, and finally,
finally, I felt something! And feeling is something that I haven
’
t done since that night. I became
emotionally deadened that night. And every day after.
”
I
look into my cup of Turkish coffee, as if it could provide the answers she
wants to hear, but I just add,
“
I wish I could feel something for Ethan,
but I feel nothing. I don
’
t
love him, I don
’
t
hate him, I
’
m
not even sure I like him. The only thing I know for sure was for me to have a
chance to resume any kind of life, emotional, physical or otherwise, I needed
to get away from him, that
’
s
why I won
’
t
return. That
’
s
why I sent the files to Tony, so I knew Ethan would hate me, and not want me
back. So he would let me go!
”
I nearly scream at her, my voice echoing in my brother
’
s majestic kitchen.
She
looks at me shocked.
I
don
’
t
lose my cool often, and I simply, never, ever, yell at Lily.
We
observe each other in silence for a long time until she says,
“
I
’
m not passing judgment on you, but I don
’
t think you deserve all this blame that
you are heaping on yourself.
”
Lily states with a soft voice.
“
I tore my family apart. I destroyed my
relationship and I ruined everything that I loved most in this world because of
something that I did that was so horrible, something that I can
’
t even remember, but I know I did it, and
if I
’
d
stayed, it was going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
”
I coolly say, my eyes unwavering.