Authors: Vivienne Harris-Scott
I
simply feel nothing at all.
What
’
s done is done.
I
know I
’
ll
be fine - and I mean functional here-, and so will Ethan.
We
are both monsters in our own ways.
((~~!~~))
Josephine Hart was right.
Damaged people are dangerous.
They know they can survive.
Vi
Langkawi. Malaysia. September 2007.
“
I
’
m a survivor.
”
she states simply.
“
Indeed.
”
replies the shaman, pouring more tea in
their cups.
“
There are events in my life that could
have destroyed me, but instead I let them fuel me.
”
she smiles sadly.
“
Indeed,
”
repeats the shaman as their eyes stay on
each other
“
I think it
’
s time I go back to my life.
”
her smile broadens.
“
Well, you certainly are ready. It
’
s been a year and a half, almost to the
day since we
’
ve
met. I don
’
t
think you
’
ll
ever be done learning, but you are healed and mentally strong. It might be time
for you to back out to the world.
”
Their
cups clink as the 2 women smile at each other.
((~~!~~))
When she arrived in Langkawi after having
the surgeries in Singapore to get the last of the tumors removed, Lily had
stayed with her a full month to ensure she was recuperating in top conditions.
It
had been exhausting for her. She had been pretending for Lil
’
s sake that she was indeed on the path to
a fast recovery and all would soon be fine; her life would resume as soon as he
physical ailments were taken care of, once and for all.
Truth
was, she knew better. She knew, her physical condition was nothing compared to
the complete mental and spiritual collapse she was experiencing, and no amount
of friendly attentions would even come close to bring any sort of repair to her
broken spirit.
She
hadn
’
t
cried once. Not when she buried her son. Not when she left Australia, Ethan,
and their life behind. Not when she found out a few days later while in London
that her uterus was suddenly choke block full of new tumors. Not when she flew
to Singapore to have the surgeries. Not when Lil was here with her.
The
day her friend left, the dams finally opened, and she cried.
They
weren
’
t
tears of pain, or guilt or regrets.
Just
tears that wouldn
’
t
stop.
She
cried for 4 months.
Her
days were made of constant wailing like a wounded animal waiting for death to
finally put a merciful end to their suffering.
She
didn
’
t
leave the house and the furthest she would wander would be its terrace to watch
the sunset or the sunrise depending on when she would be up. She slept a lot, ate
a little, and limited outside contact to a strict minimum to calling the local
store for her food supplies.
On
the 4-months mark, a day of impressive downpour during the monsoon, she walked
to the adjacent beach and as she was getting soaked under the warm rain, she
felt herself breathe for the first time since her son had died.
Her
first smile broke as she set herself in a lotus positions on the beach and let
the rain wash away her pain.
Her
eyes closed, she meditated letting whatever thoughts actually penetrate her
brain while she concentrated on her breathing.
She
still to this day doesn
’
t
know how long she remained in this position. All she recalls was a voice
calling out to her and opening her eyes to an old woman with jet black eyes and
a blinding smile who was openly staring at her and asking her if she would care
for a cup of tea.
Yes,
she remembers that odd encounter and a double rainbow gracing the glorious dry
sky.
That
was the day she was born again.
((~~!~~))
July
21
st
, 2005.
Attention
Nick Bennett
The
Age.
Dear
Mr Bennett
You
don
’
t
know me but I have been reading your weekly political column ever since I moved
to Australia 5 years ago.
Ever
since, I
’
ve
had a front seat to the innings that were used and abused to keep the politically
ambitious in power.
It
’
s
fascinating to watch what some people are willing to do to retain or further
expend the little bit of power the public placed in their hands.
I
trust you
’
ll
find this
usb
drive of the utmost interest.
Mrs
McGregor
Ps:
And
,
yes. McGregor. as in Ethan McGregor
’
s
spouse.
Pps
: The attached files should keep you busy
for the next 12 months at the very least. I trust you will use them
methodically without my name ever needing mentioning.
Ethan
is many things. In all his imperfections and complexities, one ceteris
paribus
[5]
assumption can be asserted without
doubts: my husband never lied to me about his political career and what he
’
s done to accomplish his goal.
God
knows we
’
ve
had enough arguments about the compromises he made, the shortcuts he took, why
he did what he did, and the man he was becoming while doing them.
Yet,
he never lied to me about it. Never kept me oblivious, as many of his ilk would
have.
I
knew it all.
I
guess he trusted me.
As
I did him.
Yes,
I knew it all. And with full access to his ledgers and diaries where he
recorded which favors were done for and by whom, I knew where the bodies were
buried and the exact number of skeletons.
He
had hurt me so much I wanted him to feel some sting.
I
didn't blame him for single
handedly
destroying my
spirit, I knew our marriage fell apart because of what I did to our son, but he
had some responsibility and I could not let him get away with it.
I
was restoring the scales of responsibilities.
I
dropped the envelope with another letter at the
Fedex
counter at
Kingfords
Smith airport with strict
instructions as to the 7 days delay delivery date for both, and went to board
my flight, not looking back.
Simply
put, destroying his career was not something I
’
d ever do under any normal circumstances,
but Anna
’
s
allegations were the last straw.
I
was hanging on a very thin thread with one finger on the edge of the cliff
…
and, she pushed me over. I wasn
’
t going to fall alone.
Maybe
I should have thought it through before doing it, but I didn
’
t think, I only felt rage; and, do I need
to mention, they both had it coming?
((~~!~~))
I was raped.
By
my husband.
Would
I have reacted differently if it had been a stranger?
I
’
m not sure.
I
’
ve been alone my entire life.
Yes,
there is Lily, Kevin, and Deric, but the truth is from the moment I stepped
foot into the boarding school, I had to fend for myself in order to survive. It
sounds cliché, but survival is, indeed, the word to be used when as a child you
are thrown into a new environment without anyone to protect you.
You
hedge barriers and defense mechanisms, so you can adapt, evolve, and even
master whatever life throws at you.
I
never thought I
’
d
say it, but I am grateful my parents actually sent me away at that young age.
I
think it made me strong. And independent. Being resilient is the most important
trait of one
’
s
life. Especially when said life kicks your ass on a regular basis.
I
believe this is the one attribute that saved me time and time again when my
life turned into a nightmare.
I
wouldn
’
t
say being violated made me stronger, but I survived it by not letting it
consume me. I never really saw myself as a victim. I said it to E, it was a one
shock to the system, a horrible one, but a one-time only event. And to be
honest, once I stopped hating Ethan for what he did, I simply looked at it as
the act that brought Luca into the world, and I
’
ll never regret that. If being brutalized
was what it took, so be it, I am grateful for it. I
’
m not trying to absolve my husband, I
never would, but I have forgiven him. We all make mistakes; we are all capable
of doing horrible things.
He
did and, so have I. I
’
ll
be ill advised to cast him any stone, considering
…
But
if one can survive the crime, one will certainly survive the recovery.
Being
a rape victim will never define me. I
’
m in control of my life. My reaction to it
was something I chose.
The
cancer on the other was something else altogether. God
’
s will.
But
the same principle applied, and I
’
ll
never thank Lily enough for reminding me I had a choice on how to deal with it.
Yes, in face of adversity of any sort, it
’
s all about the choices we make on how to
react. It
’
s
all about not letting some event overwhelm you so much your judgement is
clouded or rendered impuissant.
So,
the cancer instead of weakening me gave me strength and purpose. Becoming a
mother meant everything to me, and I don
’
t care what I had to endure to get there.
Luca was the best, the unique good thing I ever did in my life and having him
for 9 months was the happiest experience I ever had or ever will. That time of
my life will never be forgotten or traded, or regretted. I even managed to
truly love Ethan during that time, and that is something that shows the power
of the human spirits over whatever hand life deals you.