Authors: Vivienne Harris-Scott
“
And you will get it done? Are you
sure? Is this even legal? You
’
re not risking your job, are you?
”
she asks in a wondering tone.
“
It
’
s not illegal. That
’
s what matters. It just requires some
delicate
maneuvering
,
I
’
ll
need to expedite a few things, talk to certain people so some papers are
overlooked
…
but leave that to me. You will have two brand new passports before next week.
”
“
And, I get to keep my name?
”
she questions, slightly doubtful. Because
she knows he could get her what in his circles are fake reals, valid
documentation with new name, DOB and so on, but here he
’
s offering her to keep her original
identity, her history, and legally?
“
You get to keep all your names baby girl!
Their order might change, or your first name might be the only one showing -I
know you hate it!
–
but, it
’
s
still your name. For once, I
’
m
thankful to the French tradition of giving one first and 2 middle names to
newborns, turns out it
’
s
handy in situation like yours
…”
he chuckles, trying to infuse humor in a situation that is tense all around.
“
So, I
’
ll end up with two new passports?
”
she probes.
“
Well, actually four, babe. You have the
Australian one which you will only use domestically from now on, no more
crossing frontiers with this one, you will still be Mrs McGregor. The French
one which is still under your maiden name you can use in Europe as an ID, and it
will not be tagged as we are in Schengen zone, so there is just no way anyone
will find you, even if he decided to come looking for you himself! He
’
d have better luck in a haystack! And, I
’
ll send you 2 news ones, I
’
ll renew the Spanish one with your mother
’
s maiden name, and a spanking new Swedish
one. All valid 10 years, so that should keep you safe for a while. I
’
ll even have a 5
th
one
available, to be used in case of emergency only, that I will keep with me at
all times in case you are in trouble, and I need to get you out.
“
Oh, Kev
…
I
’
d never thought I
’
d ever be so grateful you work for
Interpol!
”
she exclaims, relief palpable in her voice.
((~~!~~))
I am ready.
It
’
s been two years and one month since my
life has been interrupted.
I
am ready to go back
…
to
a normal life. Well, I guess normal standards, whatever that means
…
Tomorrow,
I will be flying to Berlin. My brother is presenting his ready-to-wear
collection during fashion week, and it will be my first public outing as the
new me. The new Vi.
New,
because different. I am not the same woman who arrived here after the cancer
surgeries. Actually, I have nothing in common with that woman except, sharing
her body.
The
most noticeable trait is the old Vi used to think and react with her heart, and
I don
’
t.
I
’
m
not saying I don
’
t
have a heart, I do, but I have learned thanks to Ana not to let it be my
guiding force. I have accepted and learned to live with a distance and a
dissociation that no longer is symptomatic of a crisis or a defense reaction
mechanism but a clear conscious choice that keeps me calm and content.
I,
the woman who revelled in excesses and only knew to function with a
‘
all or nothing
’
attitude to life, have learned and
mastered moderation and measure, in all things.
The
immediate thing that stands out about this new me is that I am indeed calmer,
and don
’
t
follow my natural instincts anymore. Everything in my life is measured,
calculated, pondered, so I don
’
t
ever lose control of myself ever again, so I don
’
t ever hurt anyone ever again.
I
know it sound quite boring compared to the unrestrained creature I used to be,
but this change is a small price to pay to stay alive, function, and be able to
once in a while feel joy when doing something good.
And
this is what I plan to do with the rest of my natural life. I will work mainly,
and write, but relationship with men and future children is something I have
already grieved, so I know there will be none of this in my future.
Sometimes
letting go of a part of yourself is the price you have to pay to survive.
CHAPTER 69
Lily
“
Did
it surprise you when she went all these years, celibate
…
without sex, without anyone in her life?
”
he asks.
I
am shocked, not by the question but where this conversation seems to be going.
I
don
’
t
answer, so he repeats the question and adds,
“
And, Lily, don
’
t say it was because of the rape
…
Kevin might believe it is, but we both
know, it isn
’
t
…”
I
have to pause, because I know he is right. There are things Vi doesn
’
t discuss with Kevin. Her sexuality is one
of them. But she tells me everything, and I know Ethan is not lying.
She
didn
’
t
go celibate because of the rape. They had sex after. Good sex, from her own
lips.
I
really don
’
t
like what
’
s
happening here. Ethan seems to still know her very well, and he is very
intuitive.
I
just say,
“
All
right. So, she went celibate for her own reasons. That doesn
’
t mean anything. Besides, you broke her
trust, it
’
s
no wonder she swore off men
…“
“
Really Lily?
”
he retorts, almost coy. I feel a lump in
my throat.
“
I think you know why she did it. I think
we both know. Julian is really an accident
…”
he adds gently.
I
try to shut his voice out, but he keeps talking and I listen. I almost owe it
him. Because what he is saying is the truth, because while he hasn
’
t seen her or heard from her in over five
years, I know he loves her.
Yeah, strange, I know.
I
listen because Ethan is echoing my own thoughts about Vi. Things that I have
refused to voice to anyone. Least of all, her.
He
interrupts himself and says,
“
How
is she Lily? And I don
’
t
mean her health. I mean is she herself? The one, we both know and
…”
his voice trails.
I
don
’
t
have to ask what he means. I know exactly what he means. Exactly.
You
know the movie
‘
When
Harry met Sally
’
the infamous fake orgasm scene after Sally eats a sandwich?
Well,
Vi is the only person I know who can actually get flustered, and flushed to the
point of orgasm by eating something. Don
’
t laugh. I have seen it with my very own
eyes. Orgasmicate is a word invented for her.
It
might sound funny, but it isn
’
t.
It started at boarding school with Choux á la crème, she used to moan while
eating them, eyes closed, her flesh tingling, goose bumps visible, in pure bliss.
The Sisters didn
’
t
take her reaction too kindly and would punish her every time they heard it, so
she hid it, and repressed it the best she could for years.
With
her sense of taste obliterated, she somehow emphasised on the others, and her
sight, touch and olfactory senses became highly developed, making her the most
organic being I know.
And
by organic, I mean, I do not know anyone who is so attune with every single of
their five senses.
The
way, she experiences things is heightened by this reality. The way she feels,
touches, smells and tastes things and the same goes when she is touched,
smelled or tasted, she just reacts more than most.
Her
ability to feel things, all things, from pain to pleasure, is a gift and a
curse.
Well,
not is, was.
This
is what Ethan is talking about. The
‘
feeling
‘
Vi. The emotional Vi. The unbridled Vi.
The one who has vanished and has been replaced by a cerebral being whom barely
feels anything for anything or anyone.
When
she started to have sex, being organic turned her life around, she literally
discovered a new dimension to herself, and did not repress it, but somewhat
embraced it, allowing herself to truly feel. She still hid it from most as the
few times she let herself go, it turned against her; every time, until Ethan.
She was her true self, unguarded, accepted, with him. He is to this day the
only man who has seen all of her without judging and actually encouraged her to
let herself be.
While
Kevin ran for the hills, almost scared at the way she lived her sexuality, I
watched and learned a few tricks. I never judged, even when she told me about
how things were between her and Ethan.
She
developed a
‘
healthy
sense of reverence for the almighty cock
’
as she used to put it, and the sensations
the member would create within her.
I
smile. She always had a way with words.
When
she met Ethan, she described the way she physically reacted to him, and even
when their marriage went sour, the physical reaction remained; she almost had
no control over it. It is the way she is wired. Take it or leave it. The man
knew which buttons to push, and no one had done that for her. And apparently,
she does that for him too. She told me once what had made him so important to
her was pure acceptance, of her, all of her. Now I
’
m starting to get it, as I hear him talk
about her.
He
is describing how he did the unthinkable to her, explaining the why but neither
seeks nor makes apologies. I almost understand him. Almost. The way they were
to each other, the way he is, no wonder he succumbed, but no wonder he is
ridden with guilt either. Not so much for the act itself, after all, Luca
resulted from it, but for what it did to them, their dynamic.
In
spite of appearances, Vic has always been the one in control in their couple;
she set the when and where, the how, how much, how long, how far they
’
d go. Ethan has cherished her for that
reason. It is a huge part of who they are, who they were.
The
event was a shock for both of them. I know she hated him after it, but also
hated herself. Her cancer brought them back together as a unit, and she was
still herself. She retreated at first letting fear and hate overwhelm her, but
he slowly managed to reassure her enough so she would be herself again, I saw
it myself, so I can
’
t
deny him.
Then
Luca died, and that was the stroke that broke her. She started again to hide
within, probably as a coping mechanism, but Ethan says there was still hope our
Vi would come out and still be herself at the core, she just needed time. But
instead, darkness engulfed her; all of her, the intensity of her reaction
making him fear the worst. When the news of Ethan
’
s betrayal came in, that was it. Vic
folded completely, she was utterly broken, body spirit and soul.
Her
cancer resurfacing full force was the physical manifestation of this. We both
know it.
Yes,
when she left Australia, that Vi died, and instead, re-emerged a poised,
unfeeling person.
I
still love her, she is my sister, and I understand why the change happened, but
I
’
m
now thinking, none of what
’
s
happened and still is now, would have occurred if she hadn
’
t left Australia believing a lie. Actually
two, if I stand correctly, one about herself, and one about her husband.
According to Ethan, there are some truths she needs to be made aware of, and he
’
s
the only person who can talk to her about the one regarding their son. He
insists, telling me what she believes has changed her for the worst, but there
is still hope for her, if they can communicate.
She
would not be the person she is today if it weren
’
t for these lies.
She
could be herself again.
I
see it now, and the ramifications are scaring me.
Again,
I am surprised. I mean, I know Vi, really know her, but hearing Ethan refers to
the intricacies of her core being and what she needs to be truly whole and
happy, make me change the way I have always viewed him. Intuitive is not a word
I would ever use to describe him.
Ethan
is driven, determined. These are the two words that I
’
ve always associated with him, and it
’
s a good thing he was when his wife was
ill, but what I am hearing tonight, makes me reconsider all I know about this
man.
He
is her husband, and knows her, maybe even better than I do, and that gives me
serious pause.
His
words ring true to my ears, and I can
’
t help but believe him, and even coax him
further. I don
’
t
like it, not one bit, but who said the truth is always gentle?
He
wants her back, and as we talk, I can see his wish happen. Almost. She never
talks about him, Kevin and I are always the ones to bring him up when we get frustrated
with her, but I know, she has been deeply hurt by his supposed deceit and what
happened with Luca. Hell, she based all decisions she made in the past few
years on this alone. Who she is today is a direct result of it. And now that he
’
s told me the truth, I just feel
incredible sadness, for her, and him.
He
doesn
’
t
seem to care she is responsible for his career being in tatters.
He
’
s talking softly, explaining why she
should come home, to him. He isn
’
t
selfish, she needs to do it for herself if not for him, for them.
He
will not keep her prisoner, he promises; he will not hold on to her at all
costs, not when he knows she is safe and happy. She will realize she can be
herself again if she chooses to; he is there to make her see that. He can help
her.
Against
my will, I feel compelled to hear what he has to say. It makes too much sense
to ignore it.
When
I see her walk into the kitchen, I tell Ethan I have to go, and hang up.
My
mind almost hurts because I know I have to tell her. I have to tell her, she
has to go to him, regardless of what is happening with Julian.
I
simply don
’
t
know how.