Authors: Vivienne Harris-Scott
I
light up my first cigarette in years, and pursue,
“
Look Lil, I
’
m going to say this once and once only.
Promise me you will not insist, or probe or else. I
’
m just going to say it once
…”
She
nods.
“
It
’
s me, not him. I
’
ve hit a wall. I was crashing Lil. I needed
to leave before I became wreckage and I destroyed everything else around me. I
simply could not be around Ethan. This thing with Anna
…
Well, it was a blessing, it allowed me to
feel, and gave me the necessary rage to make a decision that has been brewing
ever since Luca died. That
’
s
all. It
’
s
done, so we will not talk about it anymore. Ever, Lil.
”
“
Mami, I won
’
t presume to even know what it feels like
to lose a child, but I
’
ve
given that news to a few parents over the years, and I have seen the pain, but
this? You are not thinking straight. You
’
re not even talking straight! I don
’
t see what you could have done that is so
terrible
…”
she looks at me bewildered, and adds,
“
You
’
re having a meltdown, and I
’
m afraid for you, afraid that the
decisions you are making in this state will affect you for the rest of your
life, and your husband
…”
I
look at her and she looks so
…
frightened? A look of complete helplessness.
Yet,
I interrupt her, and say icily,
“
Stop.
Lil. I do not owe you or anyone an explanation. It is done. It
’
s my life, or at least, what is left of
it, so I
’
m
going to stay here, and heal if that
’
s even possible, and there is nothing
else, no one else that matters and that is the end of this discussion. You will
not mention Ethan again. You will not mention Luca either. I am done Lil. Are
we clear?
”
I look at her with a hard stare and she must see something in my eyes that
shows my seriousness about it all, so eventually, she folds and mumbles,
’
Fine.
”
You
have to understand. I don
’
t
think I
’
m
capable of feeling anything anymore for anyone because if I do, it will be the
death of me, and surprisingly I have no desire to die anymore. Survival has a
price. Being detached is the only way I will live.
I
have to mitigate the damage, and that
’
s
the only way I know how.
When
we
’
re
in Langkawi, weeks later, after the surgery in Singapore, and before she leaves
to return to Boston, leaving me on my own, we broach the subject once more.
It
has been 6 weeks since we left London, I am tumor free, and she maintains I
should get in touch with my husband, to at least let him know where our
marriage stands, since I
’
ve
pulled a magnificent disappearing act, and if the papers are right, completely
ruined his career. Lily asserts, I owe him an explanation.
“
Baby, you are just trying to power through
this
…”
she smiles when she notice me wincing and adds,
”
You reasoning might be clouded a little. A
lot, I believe
…
You
’
re
emotional state or lack thereof
…
,
you
’
re
running away
…
I
know, I
’
ve
done it
…
not
on this grand scale I give you that
…
but you have to ask yourself if this is
really the best for you, for E
…”
"I
don't burn bridges until I'm absolutely sure I'm never gonna cross them again.
E and I are through Lil, this I know for certain.
”
I tell her.
“
But, at least, tell him
…”
she starts.
“
No, Lil. There is no turning back; I
’
ve crossed the Rubicon the minute I left
that envelope in the mailbox. Everything else is just your catholic education
making you feel guilty
…”
She
has the good sense to erupt in laughter.
I
add, sheepishly,
“
A
very wise man said,
‘
If
you
’
re
going through hell, keep going
’
so that
’
s
what I
’
m
doing Lil, I couldn
’
t
stay in Sydney because I was still and would remain in hell, I had to move
on...I simply had to
…
my
survival depended on it
…”
and as I open the liquor cabinet, grabbing two crystal glasses, I say,
”
The very same man, Winston Churchill, said
he would drink in victory because he deserved it, and in defeat because he
needed it. The current situation qualifies on both counts. My marriage is over,
and I survived cancer again. So, let
’
s have a drink!
”
She
shakes her head and smiles in capitulation as she watches me pour Bombay Gin in
a shaker.
Friendship
and the loyalty that goes along with it, that
’
s
the only thing I can live by now. That
’
s
the only thing I truly have left, and I want to celebrate it.
As
I pour the shaken cocktails in our glasses, I give her a small smile and
states,
“
Salūd
chica. To us.
”
We
go on the house deck and drink in silence for a while, just appreciating being with
each other.
As
I pour another round, I softly say,
“
The idea he
’
ll look at me with love, or even hatred or
worse, indifference, is just something I couldn
’
t handle Lil, so we are through. Trust me,
it is truly for the best. Please believe I made the right decision under the
circumstances, even if you don
’
t
understand why
…”
I
say it out loud, because I know she is still thinking about my marriage, or the
end of it, and its impact.
“
Their affair was years of careful planning
to avoid detection, Lil. This was reflective, orchestrated, premeditated deceit
…”
I add, as take a sip from my glass.
Our
eyes meet and I can see, her outrage has returned at the mention of what Ethan
has done.
“
This was evil. His or hers, is irrelevant.
Egregious conduct to the emotional detriment of others
…
He sustained this affair for years? While
I was pregnant Lil?!
”
This
time, she just nods, gets up and says,
”
I think we need more drinks to forget the
past and toast to the future!
”
she grabs the shaker and goes into the house, while I settle on my swing chair,
and watch the sunset.
When
she returns with a fresh supply, she holds my hand and brightly exclaims,
“
Well, since husband no.1 is out on his
ass, the minute you leave Langkawi, you
’
ll meet your true love! If anyone deserves
it, it
’
s
you!
”
I
nearly choke on my drink, and can
’
t
help but derisively say,
“
True
Love, Lil? Personally, I think that
’
s a myth that people entertain to keep
themselves warm. There is only one real love, the one you feel for your
children
…”
my voice trails as I think of my son, but as I see the scowl on Lily
’
s face, telling me she had the same
thought I just had, I pursue bravely,
“
If you ask for anything more than that,
you
’
re
just a fool. Looking for another round of misery
…”
“
The Sisters raised no fool,
’
she says, smiling mischievously.
“
Exactly.
”
I smile too.
Hours
later, as we are about to settle for the night, she holds me tight and ask
against my ear,
“
Are you going to be okay mami when I leave
tomorrow?
’
“
I
’
m going to be just fine,
bella
. You got me through the worst. Don
’
t worry about me. I
’
ll finish my PhD and focus on my work. You
go home to Boston and find your true love
…
I
’
ll stay here for a while, Lil.
”
I reply, squeezing her in my arms with
all the strength and love I can muster, because I know, when she leaves, I
’
ll be everything but okay.
But,
I will survive.
((~~!~~))
I know what I
’
ve done.
I
killed my baby.
I
ruined my husband career if not the remainder of his life.
And,
I ran away so I wouldn
’
t
have any reminder of anything.
I
don
’
t
even feel a shred of regret. Or guilt.