The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (29 page)

We are each responsible for our own conduct. GALATIANS 6:5

WHY ARE WE SO QUICK to blame our loved one when things aren't going well in our relationship? Unfortunately, it's human nature, going all the way back to Adam and Eve. (See Genesis 3 for some blatant blame-shifting between the two of them.) But Galatians 6:5 reminds us that each of us is responsible for our own choices and behavior, and that includes our part in a relationship.

May I suggest a better approach? Try the following steps:

1. I realize that my marriage is not what it should be.

2. I stop blaming my mate and ask God to show me where I am at fault.

3. I confess my sin and accept God's forgiveness, according to 1 John 1:9.

4. I ask God to fill me with his Spirit and give me the power to make constructive changes in my life.

5. I go to my mate, confess my failures, and ask forgiveness.

6. In God's power, I go on to change my behavior, words, and attitudes, according to the principles that I discover in Scripture.

This is God's plan, and it works. Blaming your spouse stimulates resentment and antagonism. Admitting your own failures and letting God change your behavior creates a new and positive climate in your marriage. It is the road to a growing marriage.

Father, you know how easily) slip into blaming my spouse for the things that are wrong in our relationship. Please forgive me. Help me instead to take full responsibility for my own wrongs. Show me clearly where 1 have failed, and help me to change. 1 knowI can do it only in your power.

Why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, "Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye," when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye. MATTHEW 7:3-5

IN THE PAST FEW DEVOTIONS, we have discussed taking responsibility for our own failures rather than blaming our spouse. I do not mean that we should never discuss the faults of our mate. As a couple, we are trying to learn how to work together as a team. This means that if I think my spouse is treating me unfairly, I should, in love, share my feelings. But that's only appropriate after I have first dealt with my own failures.

This is what Jesus taught in the verses above from Matthew 7. When we cast blame on our mate without first examining ourselves, we're likely not seeing past our own faults-and as a result, it becomes impossible to see the problem clearly. Whenever a relationship breaks down, both people are a part of the breakdown. One may bear more responsibility than the other, but either can move to restore the relationship. We must each deal with the wrong we personally bear.

Be willing to take the first step. Don't sit around blaming your spouse, and don't waste time waiting for him or her to confess. If you honestly confess your part, that may be the stimulus that triggers confession on the part of your mate. The first step is the most important one.

Father, l pray for the humility and courage to take the first step. Help me to see the wrong 1 have contributed to a situation and confess that, without waiting for my spouse to act first. Please bless our efforts.

[The Lord] said to me, "The sins of the people of Israel and Judah are very, very great. The entire land is full of murder; the city is filled with injustice."

EZEKIEL 9:9

SOME THINGS ARE NOT PERMISSIBLE in a marriage. Physical abuse, sexual unfaithfulness, abuse of children, alcoholism, or drug addiction require loving action. In fact, we are not loving if we accept such behavior as a way of life. Why? Because love is always concerned about the other person's well-being, and such behavior destroys both the individual and the marriage. Love must confront. That's tough love, and that's real love.

In the Bible, confronting is often seen as redemptive. Certainly the Old Testament prophets were frequently directed by God to confront Israel with her sin, as we see in the above verse from Ezekiel. The prophet's tone often sounds harsh to us, but the purpose of showing the people how far they had fallen was to encourage them back to a right relationship with God.

On an interpersonal level, Jesus said, "If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense" (Matthew 18:15). The purpose of confronting is so that the relationship might be restored. If there is genuine repentance and change, then there can be genuine forgiveness, and the marriage can be rebuilt. Without confrontation and repentance, however, the behavior will continue. Tough love is caring enough to confront.

Father, confrontation is hard for me. ButI can learn from your Word that some things cannot be tolerated because they are causing too much hurt and damage. Please give me wisdom to know when 1 should confront my spouse-and how 1 should react if he or she confronts me about my own behavior.

I wrote that letter in great anguish, with a troubled heart and many tears. I didn't want to grieve you, but I wanted to let you know how much love I have foryou. 2 CORINTHIANS 2:4

THERE IS NEVER a time to stop loving your spouse, but there is a time to change the way you express that love. If your spouse has developed a pattern of chronic destructive behavior-and has refused to change even though you have sought to meet his or her needs-it may be time to apply tough love. The apostle Paul had to use tough love with the church at Corinth. Because they had tolerated a sinful situation within the church, he rebuked themnot because he didn't care about them, as he makes clear in the above verse. Rather, he loved them so much that he wanted them to stop what was harmful and make better choices.

Tough love says to an abusive spouse, "I love you too much to help you do wrong. I will not sit here and let you destroy yourself and me by cursing me every night. I cannot make you stop that behavior, but I will not be here to receive it tonight. If you want to make our marriage better, then I am open. But I won't be a part of letting you destroy me."

Your attitude is not to be one of abandonment but of love. Love for a spouse involves caring so much for the person's well-being that you refuse to play into the sick behavior. Many people are healed when someone loves them enough to stand up to their destructive actions.

Lord God, 1 pray for wisdom to discern when tough love is needed in our relationship. Please help us to love each other enough to confront destructive behavior.