The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (32 page)

After the basic information was shared (George has cataracts), they both shared their ideas on the subject. Typically, when people talk on this level, they watch for the other person's response. If one person gets defensive, the other person will likely bring the conversation to a close or retreat to a safer subject.

This kind of conversation allows us to express our opinions, but it doesn't go much further than that because we're not really interacting with each other's ideas. As the above proverb says, the wise and discerning seek out knowledge-they are not content with what they know. We need to seek out knowledge from our spouse.

Lord Jesus, please teach me to listen and learn. I pray that as a couple we will be able to share our ideas and discuss them in a deeper way. May our communication strengthen our relationship.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. JAMES 1:19

AS WE'VE DISCUSSED, communication has five levels. The fourth level is Emotional Talk, which says, "Let me tell you how I feel." Now we are getting to high-level communication. Some will find it far more difficult to share their feelings than to share their ideas because feelings are much more personal. Many couples do little communication on this level because they fear that their feelings will be rejected.

Take this example: Peter says, "I'm beginning to feel that you don't like me." His wife, Rachel, may become defensive. Her response may be either to start crying and withdraw, or else to express her anger verbally and tell Peter how foolish he is to feel that way. It's never appropriate or helpful to tell someone how he or she should feel.

An alternative, healthy response would be, "I'm sorry to hear that. I had no idea you were feeling that way. Tell me about it." If she encourages Peter in emotional talk, they can deal with the problem. If not, their talk reverts to a lower level and growth stops.

Emotional Talk is a normal part of a healthy marriage. If it feels threatening to you, try to modify your initial response. As James reminds us, we should be quick to listen and slow to speak. If you feel yourself becoming defensive in reaction to your spouse's emotions, ask a question. Listen. Calmly consider what has been said. Remember that having the openness to discuss emotions is one way for your relationship to grow.

Heavenly Father, forgive me for those times when I shut my spouse down with my own defensiveness. Please help me to listen and encourage discussion of our emotions. May that be fruitful in our relationship.

[Love] does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 1 CORINTHIANS 13:5-6

TODAY WE COME to the apex of communication. I call it Honest Talk,because this level allows us to speak the truth in love. We are honest but not condemning, open but not demanding our own way. Honest Talk allows each of us the freedom to think differently and to feel differently. We try to understand each other and look for ways to grow together in spite of our differences. This kind of communication mirrors parts of Paul's definition of love from 1 Corinthians 13. When we speak honestly, we are being kind, we are rejoicing in the truth, and we are not demanding that the conversation go our way. Deeper love and intimacy are our highest goals.

If this sounds easy, let me assure you it is not. If it sounds impossible, let me also assure you it is not. Though it is true that many couples experience little communication on this level, more and more couples are finding that with God's help, this kind of open and loving communication leads to a deep sense of intimacy in their marriage.

Often this kind of communication is enhanced when the couple becomes a part of a marriage enrichment group that meets regularly and helps each other learn communication skills. Consider checking in your church or community to find such a group. Join it and move up the communication ladder.

Father, thank you for this picture of loving communication. Please help me as 1 try to emulate honest communication today. Mayl be truthful, patient, and loving as 1 talk to my spouse.

I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose.

1 CORINTHIANS 1:10

HOW ARE YOU HANDLING your money? Before marriage, you probably simply bought what you wanted. But once two people merge their finances, that pattern can no longer continue. After marriage, there are two people spending money, and if both of you buy what you want, you will likely be in trouble very shortly. You don't necessarily have to ask each other every time you want to spend a dollar, but you do need a plan to make sure that you don't overspend.

Obviously, certain amounts must be set aside for the rent or house payment, utilities, gas for the car, groceries, and other bills. Also, I hope you will begin by agreeing on what you will give to God each month. But once the regular payments and gifts are set aside, you will know how much expendable money is available. Then you can decide how much to save and how much to spend. Let me share an idea: Every week, each of you should get a certain amount of money that you can use as you please. (The amount will depend upon how much discretionary money is available.) The rest of the money, you agree to spend together.

The apostle Paul reminds us that we should be "of one mind, united in thought and purpose." As couples, we need to work toward this goal in all areas of our relationship, including money. Strive toward harmony as you figure out how to spend your money. Working together on your finances can be fun and exceedingly rewarding.

Heavenly Father, l pray for wisdom and a sense of teamwork as we figure out our finances together. May we find enjoyment in the process.

The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.

PROVERBS 21:5 (NIV)

THE WORD BUDGET FRIGHTENS some couples who don't want to feel tied down. The fact is, they are already on one. A budget is simply a plan for handling your money. Some people's plan is to spend it all the day they get it. The stores stay open late to help you do that. Some people's plan is to spend it all before they get it. Then all you have to do is mail off payments each month. Both of these methods can bring stress to a marriage. The question is not, Do you have a budget? The question is, Could you have a better budget?