The Passion of Mademoiselle S. (12 page)

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Had she been analyzed at the time, Simone may well have been diagnosed with “hysteria.” This would explain why she goes through peaks and troughs of enthusiasm and depression when she realizes that her desires do not match her lover's. She therefore embodies a form of hysterical neurosis, which has led her to become the other, to the point of borrowing Charles's gender. While clearly distressing for Simone, without this particular psychic disorder her correspondence might have been much less interesting. Although this element of her personality made her a remarkable and unusual lover, we can understand why it might have been a burden, in the long run, for Charles.

The “other woman,” Charles's wife, is an invisible but constant protagonist in this story, and the jealousy she inspires—jealousy that tortures Simone—emerges as one of the motives for the extraordinary passion. In an earlier letter Simone fretted about the women who would be traveling in the same compartment as her lover. Later on, she was still worrying: “Would you ever dare ask another woman for such unusual and perverse attentions?”

And now, alone in her room, she gives vent to her powerless despair as she pictures him, so close to her own home, sharing his life and his bed with his legitimate wife.

Without this element of jealousy, Simone might not have been so inventive, and might not have driven the sexuality of her relationship with Charles to extremes that she knew he could never reach with his wife. Now the preserve of his lover, sodomy became a token of exclusivity.

FRIDAY, ELEVEN O'CLOCK

My dear loved one,

Yes, I received your letter, and it was just as I had hoped. You are very obedient, very tender, and very sweet, and I adore you. I am writing to you from my quiet, lonely little bedroom. It is pelting with rain outside, and the garden is steeped in darkness. I am snug in here thinking of you, of us, perfectly at my leisure to reread the delicious words in your last letter. All the words I longed to hear are music to my ears, and they reverberate all around my heart, mingling with the echo of your darling name, which I so often whisper to myself.

Just a week, my dear darling, just a few more days to get through and I shall be in your arms to celebrate our first anniversary. I cannot think of it without a tremendous feeling of joy, nor without feeling considerably aroused, for I remember all the tenderness we have exchanged and all the blissful caresses we have experienced throughout that year.

My darling, you asked me what it feels like for me when I pin you in my arms and drive my deft member deep, deep inside you. It is a peculiar sensation. I feel I am no longer myself. When I touch you I become a man and it is with a man's desire that I take you and fuck you. A violent demented passion inflames my blood and I take pleasure in your body as you do in mine. Yes, I shall always want to give you this ultimate coupling for that is how I achieve true pleasure. Seeing your body offering itself, seeking mine, feeling your flesh giving way to my practiced pressure and taking you furiously. Oh, the intoxication of it, what an unforgettable and endlessly desirable moment! And, if you want to, you shall be my mistress again on Friday. In our new nest, you will discover the full ardor of my desire, and you will be mine, with no constraints and no need to share. We shall belong entirely and most wildly to each other, and we shall climax together.

We can savor all our most daring ministrations, for there will be nothing to stand in the way of our depravity. We shall outstrip each other and rival each other in our ardor. How happy we shall be!

It is a long time now since any qualms have held us back, and our love is all the more exalted for it, all the more beautiful. If we did not love each other as we do, do you think that we could look at each other without disgust afterward, as we go about our daily lives? No, Charles, no, my darling. But we do love each other, nothing we do is dirty, and everything we do is necessary to our love. I feel that very strongly. I am proud now that I am quite sure you find me attractive, you love my body and it makes yours happy. Oh, tell me you are happy. Do with me whatever you want, I am yours.

Sometimes when I leave your arms, replete with you but still wanting you, I think about this and realize it would be impossible for us not to exploit our bodies together the way we do, for our hearts and senses are so attuned we could not possibly stop loving each other. With everything that we have done together, we simply could not part now, and the chains we have created for ourselves will never weigh on us.

This evening I am casting my mind back over the wonderful times when we have taken each other with great fury or great tenderness. I am also thinking of all the joys I did not know until you made me your mistress, your instrument of joy. After what we have done together, it would be impossible for me to look for another lover because you know what it is, you know what we do, Charles. We melt together, we bind our bodies together, we are reduced to just one flesh, we become just one creature, and when our embrace slackens and you withdraw from me, I am acutely aware of being a part of you and you a part of me. My body has absorbed something of yours and given you the best of itself.

I owe you a boundless happiness, the happiness of belonging to you, to you who made me as I am now. And I am yours, nothing but yours, forever, I know that, and I am happy in this state of slavery, and I want to thank you, my handsome lover, my love.

No, I cannot believe we shall ever separate. We have been too happy together, and should it ever happen, what a disaster it would be! But no, the joys we have savored, the magnificent ecstasies that have made you cry out involuntarily, that have seen me sprawl onto you panting and utterly spent, that have made us sleep the sleep of the dead, that have afforded us hours of delight, all that will continue. What we have done and what we still want to do will keep our happiness intact and you will
never
be able to give yourself to another woman without thinking of when you gave yourself to me.

Now, you know how I should like you to give yourself to me. I want you to submit to all my most outlandish attentions, my most daring embraces, for on that date, which is blessed among dates, I want you to be completely enslaved to my body. You will leave my body only when your limbs ache, when you are exhausted with pleasure and voluptuous delights, when you are brimful with vice and passion. I adore you and I need to take you and to give myself to you at the same time. Only one more week, and you will have me naked in your arms. You will be free to caress every inch of this body, which is thrilling in anticipation of the pleasure. You will be able to hold it between your thighs, to beat it or to kiss it. But remember that it will take its revenge and it will offer you the most sublime coupling. Your whole body shivers at the memory of it. You can look forward to that moment with great confidence. You shall have the wildest of climaxes, my most darling darling.

Goodbye, till Monday. I am thinking of you so much. In my thoughts I already have your delicious body to myself. Take me too, I surrender myself to you because I love you passionately. I shall see you soon.

My mouth on yours in an intoxicating kiss.

Simone

P. S. I cannot write any more. My
pneu
would be too heavy and I am afraid I shan't have time to bring it to your office. I love you.

SATURDAY, ELEVEN O'CLOCK

My dear darling love,

I should have liked to have a long letter from you to which I could reply this evening. I shall have to call on my memories once more to fill these blank pages.

Did I fully express the extent of my joy when I left your arms yesterday? I doubt it, for your ardent attentions left me in such a state, I must have forgotten a good many things.

I cannot think of that divine hour without tingling from head to toe. How dreamy it was! What an exquisite experience I had and how you steered me to those voluptuous delights! I had so hoped that we should be even happier than usual that day but, my dear love, I never thought we could reach such wonderful heights.

Remember it, Lottie, remember.

We met in our delightful new nest, in the welcoming calm of that big bedroom.
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I was barely in your arms before I felt you already impressively erect. You were on the bed before I was, but I soon came to join you, aquiver with ardent longing. The very touch of your soft white skin makes me thrill and I press myself to you, holding your whole body tightly to me. Your cock is hard and so big. I offer him my cunt as a haven, and he plies right into me without a moment's hesitation. It feels so good! We stay like that for a while, not moving. I come slowly to the strokes of your warm soft prick. Charles darling! You were a wonderful lover.

But now it is my turn to give you the promised release. Give me your ass, right here, my dear love. I do long for it so. I find the beloved little brown hole, latch onto it with my avid mouth. I suck it and bite it and kiss it ardently. I hold all of it between my lips, and you groan with pleasure. Your sighs fan the flames of my ardor. Instead of stopping, I continue more forcefully. You drive your nails into my wrists, abandoning yourself to me helplessly. You are already delirious at this stage, but I want even more. To take ultimate possession of your flesh, that is what I want so ardently, and the time is coming. Lovingly and well aware of the ecstasy I have in store for you, I prepare my “member” for battle. You gasp with pleasure, you can feel your climax building. My breasts are like two big balls knocking against your buttocks. Tell me, my love, is it good? But you beg for mercy. I withdraw my member and press myself up to you. My engorged button strokes your quivering hole and I climax wildly between your buttocks.

But your desire has not been assuaged. What you want, I know, is to make me suffer cruelly. You grab one of my ankles and bring your arm crashing down; it is such a brutal blow that I cry out in pain. But, impervious to my pleas, you keep me at your mercy and spank my rump from left to right and right to left, harder and harder. I cannot take any more. One last blow. You finally take pity on me and, to help me forget, you press your mouth to my cunt once more, and my pain evaporates as I come.

So, darling, it was time for the final coupling. We could resist our desire no longer. You managed to hold yourself off long enough for me to feel you inside me and it was exquisite, my adorable lover. I felt everything, everything, right to the last drop of sperm, and I gave myself to you passionately.

My darling, it is a long time since we have experienced such joy. That hour will feature as one of our most sublime among all those we have spent together.

We celebrated our first anniversary with insatiable eagerness. We were wonderful lovers, would you not agree?

I should like to know what you thought, darling Lottie. I feel I succeeded in making you happy too, and in sating all your desires, but I should like you to confirm that in words.

I did everything I could to avoid disappointing you. I had promised so much. Did I manage to keep my promises? I left your arms quite spent. Your passionate attentions exhausted me and I was still very tired this morning. But, oh, the memories I shall have of you, my wonderful lover! Oh, the skill with which you handle my body!

Darling, I do so wish you could have that wonderful sensation at last, the one you admitted to me in your passion. My hand struck your proffered rump twice but you denied yourself further beating, even though the place was perfectly suitable for that particular ordeal.

Do you not want to experience that ultimate caress, then? I myself cannot wait to inflict it on you, for I know the profound joy it would bring you. Now that we have found our charming haven, you are at your leisure to acclimatize me to your ever more cruel spankings. I shall not refuse to suffer if it means you will love me more.

For a year now I have succumbed to your every desire. I have anticipated your least little whim. I have invented perverse ministrations for you and, thanks to all this, I can still have every inch of you.

I cannot cope without you now, it would be impossible. I am appallingly sad when I do not have you with me. I watched you sleeping yesterday. You lay with your head between your arms, calm after such energetic antics. Your naked body displayed all its charm for me to see. Do you know you are beautiful, my dear love, and that I am very proud to have a lover such as you? Just at the thought of that, I can feel my desire for you. I should like to have you by my side this evening, darling Lottie. I should like to be free to kiss your skin passionately once more, and drive my tongue between your buttocks. I adore that ass, it belongs to me. I want it all to myself. The moment I am deprived of it, there is only one thing I want: to have it back. Oh, why are you not completely mine? Why do I have to share you with another woman who has no idea of all the pleasures she is neglecting to give you? Ah, there, look, it is starting again. When I was in our nest I felt calm, but I am going out of my mind again this evening. I love you too much to tolerate sharing you, and if I knew that you were as happy in her arms as you are in mine, it would be over, you know. In order to have any peace, I need to be under the illusion that I am the beloved mistress whose every caress you desire. If that were not the case, if you felt the same joy with Her as you do with me, I would give up the fight, I swear it.

Darling Charles, I have suddenly become spiteful this evening. I am jealous, horribly jealous, and my whole body flinches at the thought that, at this very moment, as I write, you are asleep beside another woman. I shall sleep all alone, thinking of you. Why can I not fall asleep after a wonderful lovemaking like yesterday's? What a wonderful mistress you are, Lottie, and how could I cope without you? If you want me as your lover, keep me as long as you like. I hope the day never comes when we part, and that we are now setting out toward our next anniversary.

I shall stop, darling treasure, it is past midnight. I shall send this letter as a
pneu
first thing on Monday. You probably will not have time to reply, but I should love to read your words after our special day. Beloved Lottie, tell me soon whether you are pleased with your lover. And also tell me you love me. I need to hear that again.

Goodbye, darling love, I am ardently kissing your mouth, which is so good at sucking my cunt, and I am buggering you wildly, for as long as you can bear it. I shall send myself to sleep by pleasuring my button and imagining it is your hand making me come.

I adore you.

Your Simone