Authors: Cary West
“I care and so will you,” she cried harder. “I’m going to look like a freak and you probably won’t want to touch me ever again.”
“That’s not true, baby,” he said, rubbing his hands over her thighs. “I think the scars are going to be smoking hot. Maybe I’ll ask the doc to carve my initials in them. Kind of like branding you… officially making you Jack McBride’s woman!”
“You’re crazy.” Kate laughed in spite of her tears.
“Crazy about you!” He smiled at her.
Even in the midst of crisis, Jack had a way of taking her blues away.
It was like that for the next four days. Their first destination was the beach. Like any good sun worshipper, Kate lounged in the afternoon sun and absorbed its rays, smelling of coconut oil and breathing in the Pacific Sea air. She experienced Jesse’s first swim in the ocean, with Jack holding the boy at his hips and battling each cresting wave while Kate nervously stood along the water’s edge videotaping and calling out to Jack not to take Jesse too far out. After, they played with Jesse in the sand, making castles and burying his little legs in the gold granules while he swiped them away.
As a family, they strolled along the boardwalk, stopping for ice cream and homemade french-fries; and at night, Jack and Kate returned without their son and rode the rickety roller coaster until Kate laughed so hard her face hurt. Hand in hand, they walked along the beach with Jack carrying her sandals. Cool, gentle waves rippled over her bare feet as the moon cast a white glow over the lovers and sand.
Before going home, they stopped at the martini bar and Jack tried several martini concoctions upon Kate’s insistence. In the end, he switched back to his usual whiskey as Kate sipped on her own martini. They sat by the bar and talked for hours about everything and anything, except the topic that was foremost on their mind. Then in the wee hours of the morning, they returned home and Jack made love to her.
By Sunday night, the mood had shifted to an overwhelming solemnity. An unspoken blend of sadness and tension hung heavy in the air. Kate wandered in the garden alone. She needed time to herself to sort out what she was feeling and gear herself up for what lie ahead. She sat on the fountain’s edge and ran her hand in the pool of water, making tiny waves with her fingers. A heavy sigh escaped her lips and she pulled her hand from the water and dried it on her jeans.
All the worry she pushed away the last four days came rushing back like a fierce wind. Kate needed someone to talk to—someone to confide in, other than Jack. She didn’t want him to worry more than he already was, and she was not about to talk to her mother. The last thing she needed to hear was her speech to be cautious with her husband after the surgery because Jack was the kind of man who liked his women whole. She needed someone else, a confidant to give her a fresh perspective. There was only one person who could give her that, so she called Clara.
Kate pulled her cell phone from her pocket and called her friend.
“Hi, Clara,” said Kate.
“Hey, kiddo,” said Clara.
“It’s good to hear your voice,” she breathed, with pent up tears, ready to spill.
“I’m so glad you called,” added Clara. “I wanted to call you before tomorrow but Adam said I shouldn’t bug you until after the surgery.”
“You tell Adam to keep his nose out of our friendship,” she sniffed. “The next time you feel like calling, just do it because you’re probably picking up that I need you.”
“What’s wrong, Kate?” asked Clara, hearing a slight tremble in her friend’s voice.
“I’m scared, Clara,” whispered Kate, emotions rising.
“Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in your head.”
“I feel like everything is spiraling out of control.” She voiced her fear. “I’m scared Jack and I will never make it home.”
“You do realize that once your surgery is over and Jack gets this matter cleared up with Paul, you can always transfer your treatment to Carson City.”
“In my head I know that,” she paused, “but I got this scary feeling that everything is ready to fall apart, like I’m standing on the edge of disaster.”
“It sounds to me like Marnie has gotten into your head again,” Clara frowned.
“Maybe,” said Kate, taking a deep breath and running her finger through the fountain’s pool.
“Just spit it out, Kate,” said Clara.
God, she knew her friend so well.
“Jack has been very supportive about everything,” said Kate, making whirlpools in the water. “But what happens after the surgery and he sees my body or the lack thereof…” Her voice got all choked up in her throat.
“You’re worrying too much,” said Clara. “Jack loves you with or without one breast.”
“You think so?”
“I know so,” said Clara. “Besides, it’s not like there will be nothing there. You’re getting it replaced, right?”
“Yes but what if it doesn’t look the same?” Kate finally spoke out her fear.
“Men don’t care what it looks like,” Clara half-giggled. “They just need something to hold on-to while they’re getting all worked up.”
Kate laughed and shook her head. She was glad she called her friend. It seemed to lighten the darkness she was feeling in her soul.
“I’m also worried about Jack and his legal problem,” said Kate, shifting to her next set of fears. “I mean it’s going to take me some time to recover, and there’s not much I can do in the damage control department. Jack is going to be on his own.”
“You tell Jack he needs to lay low for the time being and not make waves with Marnie or anyone else.”
“I
have
told him,” she replied, “but listening to me is another story.”
“You don’t need to be worrying about him at a time like this.” Clara informed her. “Jack’s a big boy and he can take care of himself. Right now, you need to concentrate on getting well.”
“You’re right.”
“You want me to come out there and babysit?” Clara asked her.
“No, but thanks for the offer,” said Kate, and she smiled.
“Just say the word and I’ll be on the next plane to Santa Cruz.”
“I know you would.” Kate felt relief. “But I can’t take you away from Adam and your business. I’ll be fine.”
Clara was not so sure. She wrestled with whether she should just get on the first plane and go help Kate regardless. Now Clara had a bad feeling and wondered if Kate’s worries weren’t justified. She couldn’t shake the disruption in her gut like some calamity was ready to occur.
“I want Jack to call me the minute you’re out of surgery,” stated Clara.
“I’ll tell him.” Kate’s smile widened. God, she loved Clara. It was one of the luckiest days of her life when they were matched as roommates in college.
“You’re going to be fine,” said Clara again, though now it was more like a wish than full knowledge.
“Thanks for everything,” said Kate. “Well, I guess I should let you go.”
“All right.” She paused. “I love you, Kate.”
“I love you too…See ya…”
“Yeah, see ya,”
Kate ended the call and returned her cell phone to her pocket. She needed to hear Clara’s voice just one more time before everything became a blur. She left the gardens and returned to the house to find Jack.
That evening, it felt weird, acting like everything was normal even though it was not. Kate slept little that night and by morning, they were up at the crack of dawn getting ready to go to the hospital.
The limousine was waiting outside. Marnie, Jack and Kate piled in with an overnight bag for Kate. They arrived at the hospital just as the sun made its way up the sky. Jack checked Kate in with the receptionist while she and her mother were escorted back to the pre-op wing. She changed into a hospital gown and climbed into the bed. A nurse placed a PICC line in her hand just as Jack entered the area.
“Mrs. McBride, we are going to need for you to remove all your jewelry,” the nurse stated.
“I did already,” said Kate.
“We need for you to remove your wedding ring,” she stated matter-of-factly. “I can put it in the hospital’s safe.”
“No,” said Jack, watching his wife reluctantly remove her ring. “I’ll hold on to it for her.” He gave her a wink, and it seemed to ease her fears.
Dr. Bloom entered the make shift room. “You ready, Kathryn?” he asked, wearing a blue set of scrubs.
“Not really.” She smiled in spite of everything.
“We’re going to take you back now,” he said, patting her hand.
Jack leaned over and gave Kate a kiss on the lips.
“I’ll be right here waiting,” he said, and kissed her one last time. “Everything is going to be fine. I love you, baby.”
“I love you too.”
Two orderlies came in and began to move her bed.
“Good luck, Kathryn,” her mother said.
“Thanks,” she said over her shoulder as they wheeled her into a hall.
She looked back and watched Jack disappear from her view. They wheeled her bed into the operating room. Kate shifted her body to the operating table. Lying on her back, she gazed at all the strange people dressed in uniform-blue and the queer-looking machinery in the overly sterile environment.
How many staff does it take to remove one measly breast
? she thought to herself.
“Let’s get this show going,” said Dr. Bloom, entering the room.
Over her head, Kate saw the anesthesiologist propped on a stool.
“Okay, Kathryn, I’m going to have you count from one hundred back,” he stated, and placed a clear plastic mask over her mouth. “You ready?”
Kate nodded and began counting.
One-hundred, ninety-nine…ninety…eight…ninety…seven-
She stopped counting and everything went black.
RECOVERY
She was dreaming—dreaming of a black stallion riding across the sea of desert terrain, wind billowing through his mane. She heard thunder, or was it the sound of a locomotive? She wasn’t sure. She listened to loud snorts and hooves beating against the desert floor and saw dark eyes the color of night staring at her.
“Black Thunder,” she whispered.
She felt Black Thunder’s touch, his nose pressing against her chest and beckoning her to stroke him. She felt his course hair, rubbing her hand along his neck and back. And then, she was astride him, resting her torso against his long back and her soul went quiet. It was healing, listening to the rhythm of her heart beating with his and Kate felt like a child again, with none of the worries or cares that adulthood carried.
“Black Thunder,” she whispered again as the picture faded from her mind and her eyes fluttered open.
“Wrong stallion, baby,” came a voice outside her. Her hazy blue eyes focused and Jack came into view.
“I was dreaming,” she mumbled low.
“I kind of figured.” Jack smiled at her. “Welcome back, Barbie doll.”
“I hate it when you call me that,” she said in a faint voice, and her eyes drifted closed again.
It seemed like a split-second but when she opened them for a second time, it was an hour later. This time her eyes didn’t feel so heavy and she felt alert.
“Hi,” said Jack, still sitting in the same position holding her hand.
“Hi.”
“How you feeling?” he asked.
“Thirsty,” she said with a warm smile.
“Let me see if you can have something to drink.”
Jack stepped past the post-op curtain and flagged down a nurse.
“Hey,” he called to the nurse with short blond hair, sitting behind the nurse’s station. “My wife’s awake and she’s thirsty. Think she can get something to drink?”
The nurse stood from the station and when she passed Jack, he noticed her name badge had a line of pink ribbon pins attached to it.
“Think I can get one of them?” he asked, pointing to the pins.
“Sure.” She gave him a friendly smile. “There’s a basket on the counter loaded with them. Help yourself.”
Jack grabbed one from the basket before following the nurse back to Kate’s bed.
“Hi, Kate. I’m Colleen,” she said, giving Kate the kindest smile. “You’re husband tells me your thirsty.”
“Yes,” said Kate, and her eyes followed the woman as she checked a weird looking monitor behind her.
“We can start you off with ice chips and see if you can keep them down,” she stated. “I’ll be right back.”
She left and Jack returned to his seat by her bedside.
“I got you one of these,” said Jack, showing Kate the pink ribbon pin.
The smile left Kate’s face as he handed her the pin. She didn’t want to look at it or be reminded that she was changed now. She folded it into her palm and laid her hand by her side, dropping it to rest on the mattress.
“Thanks,” she said, and mustered a small smile despite the lump forming in her throat.
The nurse returned with a pitcher of ice and a Styrofoam cup.
“Try this for a while,” she stated. “I’ll come back in about ten minutes. If you have no problems we can graduate to ginger ale.”
“Okay,” said Kate, watching her pour the ice shavings into the cup and setting it down on the slide-away table before leaving.
“You want me to help you sit up, baby?” asked Jack, picking up the cup.
“Yes, please,” said Kate.
Jack hit one of the buttons alongside the bed. The top half of the bed rose, placing Kate into a more upright position and handed her the cup. With nimble fingers, Kate scooped out a few chips and placed them in her mouth. The ice tasted so good and seemed to quench the dryness. She did it again, savoring it as it melted in a pool of cool water against her tongue and the inside of her cheeks.
“The doc said everything went well,” said Jack, taking a handful of ice from her cup and popping it into his own mouth. “He said you shouldn’t be in here for more than five days barring any complications—whatever that means.”
He gave her his award-winning smile, the one that always made her light up, but Kate didn’t light up this time. If anything, she seemed to pull away. Maybe she was tired, he thought, or still coming out of the anesthesia. He didn’t press it. He was just grateful to have her awake and by his side.
“I called Clara and told her the surgery went well,” said Jack.
“Thank you for doing that. She would have been worrying herself to death if you didn’t call.”