"Jessica." That was the last word Todd said before he closed his eyes and died.
Todd and Will were heroes. I was crushed that they were not going to be reaping the rewards of their work. My heart broke that there was no way to recover Will's body. I didn't want to think about what they would do with it. Todd was there with us though, and he deserved to be celebrated. They needed all the acknowledgment that existed. We were going to celebrate the life of Todd who engineered this and mourn for those who knew him and loved him. I wished that we knew where to get Jessica and bring her here, even if she had been overtaken by the virus herself, just so they could be together. My brain flooded with images of them as they talked about wanting to leave and find their people and now they couldn't. I couldn't help but to feel like this was my fault. Had I never talked to them, they would still be alive. Grief flooded through me, and the thought that our freedom was purchased in their blood was pervasive.
We drove along the same stretch of road we had traveled on our way in, back tracking on our path looking for the route that we should have taken in hindsight. We got to where another highway split from the 15 and according to our map, reconnected later on after Heartsvale. There, we stopped to bury Todd. There were a patch of trees and for the moment, the area was zombie free. We all took turns digging the hole despite the deep tears that flowed out of us, rivers of our souls being torn out by his loss. He was gently lowered down, and we added a covering of dirt to blanket his body. We searched for good sized rocks to pile on top of him, channeling some of that hurt into actual physical labor. We laid them over his grave as a memorial. Drew, Liam, and Abigail found a rock in the pile and pulled out their assortment of permanent markers and wrote in large letters:
"This is our friend Todd. He died making sure a lot of people could live free. He was one of the few good guys left."
We were spent. We had just one more thing that we had to do. We took down a large sign that pointed to an apartment complex for rent. We used the white back of the sign and wrote in bold lettering with the markers "If you are looking for freedom and a life that is yours, take the left fork. If you want a cult, stay right." We planted the sign and packed up to leave.
We got on the adjacent highway and went past the town that was closed off from the world within a wall of shipping containers. I felt sad for the whole thing. I really didn't want anyone to have to shed blood over this. It should have been a peaceful exodus. It felt like the deaths were just a huge waste. No one had to die for this; there was no reason for people to die.
No one spoke as we wound through the little highway. There were no words left in any of us. When the highway reached the freeway, we got back on it and drove on. We saw the dead wander through the trees to where Heartsvale stood, drawn to the sounds that had echoed through the hills. Some stopped to watch us drive by, but most just walked on. For the sake of those that stayed, I was glad that we didn't blow all of the wall. They would still be safe from these things.
It was already getting dark, so we found a nice open shoulder after we stopped seeing the zombies pass. We piled the kids like puppies on the top corner of the bed while the rest of us scampered for any leftover space.
In the night I heard the kids talk about the compound, how a group of people that claimed to be the most God-like, appointed by God and his angels, could turn out to be a bunch of heartless jerks. Liam took off his blanket and gave it to Abigail. As he re-tucked her in, she started to cry. She held her brother close and wept, her child mind searching for some reason their mother had abandoned them. "Li? I think momma did it 'cause we are all proof that people die. All our daddies are dead. Maybe I wouldn't want something following me all the time if all it did was make me hurt to think about those that died."
Her sweet almost seven-year-old self was having some very grown-up thoughts pour out of her.
Liam slid closer to her and he wrapped his arms around her even tighter than before after he smoothed her fine hair off her face. "Abby? I don't think we'll ever know why she cut us loose. Maybe she knew we were going to be a big good thing outside the walls, kinda like superman, and maybe she knew Brother Michael would be jealous and start feeding us kryptonite to make it so we stayed weak. I know I want to keep being the strong one, and Cali will let us be whatever we were supposed to be."
I had been listening carefully. "That is a beautiful thought, and you bet, I will make sure you have as many tools to know how to manage any situation. You may never fly around the room, but there are much better ways to deal with these kinds of things. Know what? What your mom did will probably be the worst thing she ever does. For her, the worst days will just be starting. She's going to be sorry she did this and she will have to live with it for the rest of her life."
Gem Road
The morning came quicker than I imagined it would. I slept as though I hadn't slept for ages. When more people woke up, we made a little fire and cooked some of those powdered eggs that we all could not seem to get used to despite eating them on a regular basis. Once we landed in Idaho I planned on finding chickens if they still existed some place so we could have real eggs again. I missed real eggs. As we ate, a definite energy filled the air. This was our first morning as free people again, and we savored the feeling. I felt a bit guilty for being so happy over our newfound freedom while people were dead and Jody was missing. Our freedom didn't come cheap. There was one point that I went to turn around and tell Jody something, and for that brief moment I forgot that she wasn't here. I wondered if knowing she was alive was making it harder to accept that she was gone. I kept looking down the road thinking that we would see her coming up but it was always empty.
Erin tried to keep a brave face for Liam and Abigail, but the hurt she felt in being abandoned by her mom was etched in her face. Lacey had taken the kids under her wing before Jody chose to stay, and she continued to step in. JJ loved the attention that she showered on him. I was so glad that we had stocked up on formula all those miles ago. Lacey continued to show Erin how to do things for the baby, and Erin listened with rapt attention, absorbing everything she could so she could be the best big sister possible. From what I'd seen before Jody disappeared out of our lives, Erin had nothing to worry about.
Driving through Utah in the spring was a shocking change. We had only been driving it in the snow. It was nice to be able to get to drive faster than 25 miles an hour. We took it easy still, since we never knew when a zombie was going to step out, or if right around the corner a traffic jam was waiting for us. The thought of being concerned about a zombie stepping out struck me as funny each time I had it. Before the zombie apocalypse hit I would have thought that it would have been a free for all to go ahead and hit them like we were playing a video game. I never considered how much damage hitting one would do.
We made a quick stop to check out an accident that drove that point home. There was one car on the shoulder that had a destroyed front end of what was a Toyota. The driver hit a zombie at a high rate of speed which collapsed the grill around the zombie, who was incidentally still attached to the car, growling and snapping its teeth. The driver hadn't been wearing his seat belt and his chest had made contact with the steering wheel, and that is where the body stayed. After everything we'd been through, there was no way we were going to let something as silly as that take us out.
When the 15 freeway came to a fork where one way kept you on the 15 to Canada and the other put you on the 84 West to Idaho, a wave of nervous joy rippled through to everyone. This was the last freeway we needed to get to Burley. The fork was surprisingly light on traffic so we were going to be able to get through with minimal stress. I figured that there would be some dramatic scene with the way everything else had been working out for us. I kept looking for something that was going to put a kink in the works.
We crossed into Idaho with no fanfare. Since we didn't have a dramatic freeway chaos moment, I had almost expected that triumphant music would ring out from the sky to no avail. We were greeted with a large blue sign that welcomed us, but it felt so anti-climactic. We had gone through so much for this moment. We had talked about it like it was the Holy Grail, but it was just an imaginary line that we crossed.
The 84 twisted through southern Idaho's barren, desert like landscape. It looked a lot like California's high desert. Abandoned cities sat alone on the sides of the freeway, like memorial stones in a cemetery. I hoped that there would be more signs of life than what was there. I had pictured the space between the towns and homes as something that would have saved the residents here from the horror we saw in California. Idaho hadn't been spared any more than anywhere else. My heart sunk as I saw the ruins.
Large road signs directed us to the right off ramp to take to go through Burley. It was a ghost town punctuated with the random zombie that wandered down the vacant roads. Hand lettered signs spoke of evacuation areas at local schools and others directed people to neighboring towns for safety. We drove by one of those schools that the signs spoke of and saw what looked to be a place where panic had taken over. An urgent care center had been broken into and ransacked.
Kristen lived on the outskirts of Burley, so we got the full tour of the lost city. She lived at the end of an unpaved street that they had named Gem Road since the nick name of Idaho was 'The Gem State'. Her house was a two story farmhouse that was white with black trim and decorative black shutters that peeked over a high wooden fence.
There were zombies wandering around outside that fence.
Kristen had her own style of dress that screamed California hippie. She wore those floor length gauze skirts and t-shirts all the time, and often went barefoot. Her long hair was always swept into a pony tail. She always defended her style as comfort over everything.
This was what the zombie that stood in front of us wore, a black t-shirt and a hippie skirt. Its hair was drawn into a pony tail that was coming undone, and long wisps of hair framed its head. We had barely turned onto the long dirt road, the bus in the lead position since Trent was the one who knew where we were going, when we saw her. The house was still about the distance of a football field from where the bus stood and that was where the zombie was standing, staring at us. At the sound of the convoy, it had turned to face us and began to shuffle in our direction. Trent pulled a pair of binoculars to get a better look when we saw how it was dressed. Its face was torn so there was no way to tell for sure if it was Kristen or not as it stumbled closer, dragging its bare feet along the dirt and gravel. The probability of the thing being Kristen was so high. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. This was our best chance, our out. This was the only thing we could come up with. I wanted to scream. Here we were in a totally unfamiliar area with a bus full of kids that I felt responsible for. I felt like this was the end of the world. How were we going to keep doing the duck-and-run with no safe zone? My eyes began to burn with tears that spilled out on my face. I was angry that we held so much hope and stock in this plan.
Trent was seeing the worst case scenario in this zombie as well. This lone figure was every fear about his family being gone and this trip being for nothing in one package for him as well. He had the added terror that this zombie was the first in the possible proof of obliteration of his family. I felt that terror on his behalf that he was going to see the rest of his family shuffle around the corner. I felt a pang of guilt over my selfish panic attack when I saw Trent's heartbroken expression.
Trent pulled his gun from between the seat and the wall of the bus. For a while he just sat there looking at this thing coming towards us. He didn't say anything. I saw his jawline tighten slowly before her finally said something. "God, Cali, I know I have to do this but I just really don't want to, you know? That's probably my sister." His blue eyes stood out in contrast to the pink tones that the whites of his eyes took on as tears filled them, hovering on the edge of spilling over on his face.
I stood next to him. I had no words to offer him and I was not going to resort to pathetic platitudes. I refused to try to sugar coat any of this. It would be an insult to his pain and I was not going to do that to him.
Trent's hands tightened on the gun and he let out a slight groan just before he stood up. He rested his hand on the handle to open the bus and stood there for a moment trying to strengthen his resolve. He looked at me with tortured eyes. "If that is Kristen, I can't leave her trapped in that body. If there is any chance that part of her is still aware of what's going on she would be horrified. I remember when she decided to go vegetarian. She was not much older than Drew when she went on a field trip to the county fair. They were meeting all these animals and she fell in love with each one they saw. When the tour guide made the announcement that pigs the size of the one in front of the group were worth a great deal of money in the slaughter houses she went all emotional and started sobbing so hard that the teacher had to remove her from the exhibit. She had a face to go with her bacon now and that was like the worst case scenario for her. That night mom had made steak and eggs and she cried. Absolutely bawled. Dad was so irritated at her for that because before, she would have seen it as an awesome dinner, not a crime scene. She left the table after she was excused and never ate another meat product again, with the exception of fish. Mammals were off the menu.
"My point in this silly story is if there was a glimmer of her still in there, and she knew her body was hijacked and became a murderer that ate its victims, it would be a level of hell. Remember when we were in Barstow and that boy and his dad were walking? Right before I pulled the trigger on them I almost had a panic attack thinking of Drew and myself walking forever. I could see Drew as he is now screaming inside of that kid corpse to please make it stop. What kind of person would I be to condemn that kid to a life like that? Same here. What kind of person makes their sister live a life of horror when there is a way to stop it?
"I know that I'm trying to give myself a pep talk to psych myself up for this, but Cali, please tell me some of this makes sense. Please tell me that I'm not going to fire on my sister."
"Trent, you know for a fact that is not your sister. Your sister would never look at another person like this thing is. Fact is, even if it is your sister's body, it isn't her. That is a dead person wandering around because of some crazy mutated virus. It wears bodies like we wear a jacket, just a convenient way to stay warm and move around. Now, remember, you don't have to kill it. If you want, I'll do it, because you are right. If there is a glimmer of the person behind that thing then they shouldn't be forced to act like this and realize they are. I totally get it, not wanting to kill your family member yourself. I wouldn't want to if the roles were reversed. I don't want to shoot this thing but if you can't, I will.”
"No, I'll do it. It's the right thing for me to do it."
With that he operated the door handle and stepped out of the bus. The zombie was very close so setting up a kill shot was going to be very easy at that range. Trent cocked the gun and squeezed the trigger. The body fell to the ground with a thud. Trent choked back a sob when the gross black fluid that seemed to be characteristic of all zombies mixed with the dirt to form a macabre mud.
The sound of the gun firing drew out the other zombies. They shuffled towards us in a wave. We had no idea that there were so many waiting on the other side of the house.
Trent and I got on the bus and shut the door. "What are we going to do now, Cali?" Trent asked in a tired whisper.
"Well, here's my thought. The house is already here and so are we. We could have the SUV make a lap around the house and inspect the fences to see if there are any breaches in it. If they aren't, we could clear out the place of any dead and crash here for a little bit. We can only see one side of the house, but look at it. See all those fruit trees? Fresh fruit! And you can see by the window layout there are several rooms there and an attic. We could live here for a little bit, at least until we find our own place. You know?"
Trent nodded in agreement. He got out of the bus and started to fire on the zombies, and took the one nearest the fence down with ease.
We were not expecting to hear the gunshot that ripped through the air from the house, hitting one of the zombies squarely between the eyes. One shot became several and we looked up to the house in surprise and awe. There were people in the windows of the second story. Real people. I squinted in the sunlight and tried to pick out one of the windows to see if I recognized any of them.
Leading the attack on the zombies was Derek, Trent's dad. I was dumbstruck. I jumped out of the bus and I poked Trent and pointed excitedly to his dad. Derek looked like an angel right then, leading the fight. He paused in his firing to wave at us, and even from a distance I could see him grinning. I looked in the other windows to see who else was there and found Mike. Mike waved his arms and pointed at the back of the property. He mimed driving a car and pointed to the driveway that led behind the house.
I cheered. I know that in a zombie situation you aren't supposed to make extra noise but I couldn't stop myself. There were people in this house and they were alive. I slapped Trent on the back and we climbed back in the bus. Trent turned the engine over as I explained that we were here, and we were going in.
When Trent got to the gate someone swung it open. Our little convoy drove in and parked on the lawn while Derek and Mike fired from a different set of windows in the back of the house, making sure no zombies came in while the gate was open. I heard the gate shut as soon as the mini-van cleared the opening. Trent and I hopped out of the bus to greet whoever had opened the gate so we could get in.
Trent saw her first. It was Kristen. She hadn't been that dead thing. My jaw dropped open in amazement, I was 99% sure that she was just put down, but here she was. Trent ran to her and almost tackled her in giving her a hug. He picked her up and spun her around. She was still wearing her skirts and it splayed out in a fan when she was spun.
Louise was there. She opened the back door and stood on the porch for a second, trying to believe her eyes. When Drew spotted her he came tearing out of the bus.