The Scars of Us (20 page)

The Massachusetts Treatment Center was a division of the Bridgewater Correctional Complex for sexually dangerous persons. Kaleb had been diagnosed with a combination of different mental disorders, including schizophrenia and narcissism, before he was committed for his long-term sexual abuse of me.

Kamden stood to shake the doctor’s hand before introducing Nori and me.

The doctor spoke, his tone authoritative and clinical. “So, you’re here concerning your brother’s release?”

Kamden replied, “Yes, we wanted to see if there was an appeal process—we want to prevent it.”

Dr. Owens looked perplexed as he responded, “I’m sorry, but his release is determined by his doctors and other hospital personnel.”

Kamden’s jaw ticked. “You don’t take into account his victim’s testimony?”

“We do—we review his whole file, including the progress he’s made since being here. You do realize that it’s been eight years since he was committed? People change.” His tone was defensive and condescending.
Asshole.

Kamden started to speak again, but I interrupted as fury took hold of me. My chair toppled over behind me as I angrily stood. “Do
you
realize what he did to me? What I had to go through for all those years?” Hot, angry tears began to stream down my face as my voice increased in volume. “Do you know what the aftermath is following something that traumatizing? Do you know what I’ve had to deal with for the past eight years? How afraid I am of other people? All because of him!” I screamed as my tears blurred my vision.

Kamden wrapped his arm around me, trying to comfort me as he pulled me into him. I clutched his shirt as I glared at the doctor.

His eyes softened some as he addressed me, “I’m sorry for what happened to you, but I can assure you that Kaleb is much different than he used to be. We wouldn’t be considering his release otherwise. The treatment and therapy have done wonders for him, and his current medication has proven to be successful in controlling his behaviors.”

I didn’t respond—Dr. Owens would never understand. He had looked at everything logically, only taking into account what his research had dictated, not my feelings or opinions. Kamden, however, was a different story. He wasn’t having any of the doctor’s bullshit.

His grip on me tightened as he seethed, “Monsters like that don’t change. They just find a way to adapt to their surroundings, to fool everyone into believing they’re something that they’re not.” His voice cracked, and he took a deep breath to calm himself down. “Kaleb had me fooled for our entire lives. I… I never knew what he’d been doing to our own sister for all those years, and we lived under the same roof.”

As I slumped into Kamden’s seat, tears slid down my face. I began to zone out, the heated discussion between Kamden and Dr. Owens sounding garbled and distant. All of this talk about Kaleb and the fact that he was somewhere in the building started clawing at me. I clutched my head as images of him and memories of all the times he had violated me played in my head like a deranged slideshow made specifically to torment me.
I need to get away from him, need to get out of here.

Shooting out of the chair, I bolted for the door, ignoring everyone’s calls as I ran. All I could think about was getting out of there, of getting as far away from Kaleb as possible, especially since his release seemed more eminent based on what Dr. Owens had said. My legs pumped harder as I headed for the exit doors, and I almost collapsed in relief once I passed through them. Bracing my hands on my knees, I sucked in heavy breaths of air as I tried to compose myself.

Nori came through the doors shortly after I did. She wrapped her arms around me and held me until Kamden exited about ten minutes later. His hardened eyes and tight frown told me that the meeting didn’t end as we had hoped.

The whole ride home was silent. Kamden tensely clutched the steering wheel with a white-knuckled grip as he drove. Nori held my hand the entire way, stabilizing my frenetic emotions, keeping me from coming completely unglued.

Once we got home, I headed straight for my room and shut the door. I could hear footsteps in the hallway directly outside, but no one knocked or entered.

Nori’s muffled voice sounded through the door. “I’m worried about her, Kam.”

“You think I’m not?” He sounded frustrated, and I could practically see him running his hand over his buzzed head.

“Well, what are we going to do?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed.

“Maybe you should call Ryker—have him come see her.”

“No,” Kamden raised his voice angrily. “He is not a part of this. He doesn’t need to be involved.”

Shutting my eyes, I blocked out the rest of their conversation. I wanted to see Ryker, but things were different now. Kaleb was going to be released, and then he would hurt Ryker because of me. My heart clenched, my stomach turning at the thought of Kaleb causing any kind of harm to Ryker.

I had to protect him. I couldn’t let Kaleb hurt him. I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to him. Even if Kaleb wasn’t involved, my unstable emotions would destroy both of us eventually, and I didn’t want that for Ryker. He deserved a normal woman free of issues that could love him completely, that could give him more than I ever would be able to.

Tears surfaced as I thought about what I had to do.
Don’t be selfish. Do what’s best for him. He’ll hate you, but at least he’ll be safe.
I knew I never should’ve gotten involved with him. I just prayed that it wasn’t too late to save him.

Kaiya had been avoiding me for weeks, including missing class. I’d called and texted her several times with no response, so I was done. At least I was trying to tell myself that, but who was I kidding? I couldn’t get her off of my mind, no matter how hard I’d tried.

I didn’t understand what had happened—the last time I saw her, everything was fine. Well, except for that small argument, but I fixed that—at least, I thought I had. I could never tell exactly what she was thinking, so there was no way for me to know why she had started avoiding me.

Occasionally, I’d seen Kamden in the gym, but he avoided me like I had some contagious disease. I was getting fed up with him, almost reaching the point where I didn’t mind causing a scene to get information about Kaiya.

I stalked toward him in the weight room as he executed leg presses. Hovering next to the machine, I looked down at him. “We need to talk.”

He abruptly stopped and got off the bench. As if I was invisible and hadn’t said a word, he walked away from me.
Fuck this, I’m getting some answers.
Determined, I followed after him and grabbed him by the arm.

His muscle tensed under my grip as he stopped. “Let me go,” he seethed.

“Not until you tell me what’s going on with Kaiya,” I growled.

Turning his head towards me, he narrowed his eyes and snarled, “That’s none of your fucking business.”

Fuck, I’m not going to get anywhere this way.
Maybe hostility wasn’t the best approach. I softened my tone as I let go of his arm. “I just want to know if she’s okay.”

His hardened expression eased slightly. “She’s fine,” he replied, shaking his head. “Just forget about her.”

Not possible.
I squared my shoulders. “That’s not going to happen.”

“Why? There are tons of other girls out there.”

I clenched my fists, trying to control the anger gripping me. “I don’t want any other girls—I want her,” I snapped.

“Well, she doesn’t want you,” he countered, shifting uneasily, avoiding my eyes as he swallowed hard.

“You’re a terrible liar,” I said before walking away across the gym to my office. I knew Kaiya wanted me, but something had happened to freak her out. I just didn’t know if it was something I had done, or if another factor was in play.

“Fuck!” I cursed once I shut the door to my office. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong if she refused to see me or talk to me.
How can I fix this when I don’t know the damn problem?

I picked up my phone to text her but changed my mind.
Maybe I should just forget about her and save myself all this trouble. She obviously doesn’t care, so why should I?

Exhaling a frustrated breath, I tossed my phone onto my desk.
Quit being a pussy and move on. Kamden is right. There are plenty of other women out there.

Picking up my phone again, I typed a text to Drew:

Me: Bar tonight?

Drew: U know I’m always down

We planned to meet at the bar at midnight. It was one of our regular spots, and we always found girls to take home when we went there. These past few weeks had been the longest I’d gone without sex since high school, and it unnerved me because I’d easily changed my ways for Kaiya.
Look where that got me. I don’t know why I trusted her.

The place was packed when I walked through the doors. I pushed past dozens of people to get to Drew, who was already at the crowded bar talking to two women in short, tight dresses. They were both practically on his lap.

When he saw me approach, he lightly pushed them away to greet me, then ordered us a round of drinks.

One of the girls, a blonde, wasted no time before coming up to me and pressing her body against mine. “Hey, handsome.”

“Hey,” I replied as I fought the urge to push her away. I knew what I wanted, and it wasn’t her. I shoved my thoughts away as I threw back the shot Drew ordered—I’d be fine once I had a few more drinks, then I could move on and go back to the way things used to be.

“What you drinking, baby?” I asked, letting my eyes travel the length of her body.
Not bad, but not Kaiya either.

She gave me a sultry smile. “Cherry Vodka Sour.” She licked her lips as she ran her finger down the front of my shirt.

After I ordered our drinks, I downed mine quickly and ordered another. I needed to get wasted fast in order to drive away the guilt that was starting to eat at me because of Kaiya.
You’re not together. There’s no reason to feel guilty.

After several rounds, the girl, whose name I didn’t bother to ask, was all over me, rubbing her hands down my chest and abs before cupping my dick through my jeans. “I want you,” she slurred.

Drew laughed as the other woman sloppily kissed his neck. “They’re good to go,” he shouted jokingly over the music.

I chuckled before turning my attention back to the blonde in front of me. “Let’s go then, baby.”

As she pulled me toward the door, I called over my shoulder to Drew, “Catch you later, bro.”

She stumbled through the exit.
Classy.
I snorted at her and rolled my eyes. “Where’s your car?”

She looked up at me—her glazed, blue eyes were nothing like Kaiya’s. “I came with my friend. Can you give me a ride?” she replied as she bit her bottom lip. It was so sexy when Kaiya did it, but on her, it was too fake, like she was trying too hard.

“Sure, I’ll give you a ride,” I responded suggestively.

Once I started driving to her place, her hands roamed over my dick, rubbing it through my jeans. It began to harden under her touch reflexively, but she wasn’t turning me on like Kaiya did so effortlessly.
Stop thinking about Kaiya!

When we entered her apartment, she led me to her bedroom before pushing me down on the bed. Slipping clumsily out of her dress, she tossed it to the floor and tugged off my shirt. Her bra was next, freeing her tits as she slid down my body to kneel on the floor by the bed between my legs. She unbuckled my belt and undid my jeans before sliding them down to my ankles.

Her hand wrapped around my cock as she licked her lips, eying it hungrily before taking me in her mouth, sucking me deep in her throat.

The woman eagerly consumed me, stroking me up and down with her tongue, but she didn’t feel right; she wasn’t Kaiya. Even though I was drunk, I couldn’t let go of how terrible I felt, how wrong this was. I was pretty sure at that moment that no one would ever feel as good as Kaiya did.

Propping up on my elbows, I told the woman, “Stop.”

Ignoring me, she sucked my cock harder and dragged her teeth along it.

“I said stop,” I repeated as I pushed her lightly on the shoulders.

My dick popped out her mouth as she gave me a confused look. Her face morphed to excitement as she got up and positioned herself on my lap. “Can’t wait, huh? I want you inside me just as badly,” she said as she grabbed my cock, readying to sink down on me.

Gently forcing her off me, I stood and pulled my pants up. “I have to go.” I grabbed my shirt before exiting her room and heading toward the front door.

I could hear her footsteps behind me as I put my shirt back on. “Wait, why?”

Turning the handle, I replied, “I just do.”

I left without waiting to hear her response, wishing I could rid myself of all the feelings caused by Kaiya. We’d only known each other a couple of months, but I couldn’t deny that she had left her impression on me.

I found myself driving to her house, but I changed course when I realized what I was doing. I’d done the same thing many times since we stopped talking, but I could never bring myself to go through with it.
She’d probably just slam the door in my face.