The Siren (22 page)

Bliss settled in as we traveled. I didn’t have any sort of plan that would make it possible for me to stay yet, but I felt a new determination. I had never wanted anything like I wanted this, and I’d overcome the distance between humanity and myself in some aspect already. This could be done.

When we pulled up to the house, most of the lights were off. I was glad I didn’t have to face Julie like this— I could feel my hair sticking out at strange angles. And I could feel sandy wet splotches on her dress. I hoped I hadn’t ruined it. We crept in silently, Akinli holding my hand as he walked me to the guest room.

The door to the room was open, and I saw that Julie had left some girly pajamas for me. How sweet of her. Akinli lingered.

“I feel funny. Like I should say something, but…”

I covered his mouth with my fingers and slowly shook my head. He stared at me and nodded. What exactly were we saying just then? Did it matter so long as both of us understood? He took my wrist in his hand and pulled it away from his mouth. He bent down and gave me another excruciatingly wonderful kiss.

“Sleep,” he commanded me. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

I smiled and watched him unwillingly back out of the room, looking at me until the closing door finally obstructed his view. My head swam. I put on Julie’s pajamas in a trance. I settled on the bed, watching the moon outside the window. I don’t know why, but my thoughts went to time.

It didn’t make sense. Decades dragged on with nothing worth noting, and then days were so full of goodness I could barely hold onto it all. It took me years to bond with some of my sisters, but I was knit into Akinli within the first seconds I saw him. I had years of being unbreakably nineteen stretched out in front of me— women would kill for that luxury— but those years of being frozen while Akinli aged were my adversary. I felt certain that if I looked back, I could add up the time of significant moments of my life into less than a week’s worth of hours. And I was sure that if I had a guaranteed hundred more years, it wouldn’t be enough for me to have my fill of Akinli.

Time is a healer. Time is an antidote.

Time was my enemy.

I sat awake in bed, adding and subtracting hours. Value and waste, importance and irrelevance all weighed in new ways in my brain. I couldn’t rest, and I couldn’t calm down. I was anxious without a plan. I wanted to see Akinli again; he calmed me. I was already breaking rules, so what was one more? I climbed the stairs to Akinli’s room.

The stairs barely made noise when I moved. I was lighter than the boys. I heard Ben snoring on the one side of the hall where he and Julie shared a room. Across from it, I saw that Akinli’s door was slightly cracked. I peeked in and found him just as awake as I was, looking out the window.

“You too, huh?” he said with a smile. He lifted his blanket and whispered, “Come get in here.”

I left the door cracked and crawled into his bed. I settled in, curling up into a ball, my shins resting against his bent legs, arms crossed in front of my chest. He slid one arm under my neck, and the other wrapped around the middle of my back. We fit together like puzzle pieces. He rubbed my back in silence for a long time. All the confusion from earlier melted. I was in my place. Everything else could move, break— I wouldn’t notice or care.

For years I dreamed about falling in love. I had no idea it would feel like this. My own will, my own wants all vanished, and I didn’t miss them. I’d stay right here to make him happy. That was all I wanted. The desire was disconcertingly powerful.

His rough fingers traced my spine. It was so late, but he seemed alert. He watched me with anxious eyes, but he didn’t try to kiss me again. I wanted to try myself, but I just wasn’t brave enough to initiate it.

“Kahlen… I want to say something,” he finally said. He looked nervous, like he was struggling to find the right words. “I know I probably acted a little out of line tonight. I just… I don’t know. I liked you from the moment I saw you, and I got caught up there. I shouldn’t do things like that. I should have asked you first. I’m sorry about that.”

Sorry? Sorry for the best thing I’ve experienced? Ever? Don’t be sorry for that!

“I care about you. I really do. I just… I’ve had a rough year, and I should be more careful. Maybe you don’t feel about me the way I feel about you. We really don’t know each other. And I sort of had you cornered there. It’s not like you had anywhere to go if you didn’t want me to kiss you. And you probably feel a little obligated because, you know, I found you and all. I just want to say… just because we kissed… a lot… well, you’re not bound to me or anything. I mean, maybe you have a boyfriend already who you just can’t remember right now.”

He looked sad saying that out loud.

“But, if you want to stay, if you give me some time, I’d like to try. To be with you. To be together.” He looked scared. How could he think I didn’t like him? Didn’t he know how wonderful he was? I had no option besides silence, so the pause between us grew. He started to fidget.

“Could you… I don’t know, do something? Like, if you’re just not interested in me or think you’re already taken, could you tap your nose or something?” I smiled and kept my hands firmly tucked in between our chests. I felt him relax a little.

“Hmm. Okay… if you think you would like to stay and try to be together… uh… I don’t know… slap me in the face,” he said. I smiled wider. I tried not to think of whether or not I could, because he only asked if I would
like
to stay. And I did want to stay. So much. All I needed was a way to make it work. I was convinced there was an answer out there somewhere. I wasn’t about to slap him though, so I just rested my palm on his cheek.

“Not quite the sign I was looking for, but I’ll take it,” he said. He kissed my forehead. He stayed awake looking at me. I should have probably felt self-conscious, but I was completely at peace with him. As the minutes wore on in silence, his eyelids started to fall, and then he drew in a deep yawn. I could see the clock from where I was; he’d been awake nearly twenty-four hours.

“Will you stay up here? Be here when I wake up?”

I nodded. He finally slept.

I stayed awake most of the night thinking. It was easier to do with Akinli holding me. I watched his beautiful face, just happy to hear him breathe.

This was the end of it. I’d put up a decent fight, but I wasn’t going to win. This was love. I knew, just knew, that once I was back to my aging, breakable self, there was no way I was going to forget him. How could I? In the same way that I longed for love in this life, I would long for him in the next. There was no way around it anymore.

What would I give? What could I possibly bargain to stay with him? I had no leverage. I owned nothing that the Ocean wanted or needed, except my body. She might take that one day. She could have it, eventually, if it meant I could stay with him.

I had stayed with the schools for years at a time. Would I be able to do the same with someone who would be watching me infinitely closer? The students didn’t need me to talk. How would Akinli feel if my voice never returned? At the schools, I could ask for time off when the Ocean needed me. Could I ask time off from a friend? Or was he my boyfriend? What was I to Akinli? Surely I meant
something
to him— not just a person to fill his time or bed. I sensed he didn’t have the ability to treat anyone with such disregard. I wished he would do the honorable thing and just say it out loud!

But I didn’t care. If he felt a fraction of what I felt for him, it was enough. I imagined scenarios for over an hour and thought I might have something worth trying. And then, unable to pass up the experience, I fell asleep in Akinli’s arms.

Somewhere in the night we shifted, and in the morning I found myself resting with my back against his chest, his arms wrapped around me like he was protecting something fragile. I knew it was morning, but I didn’t want to open my eyes. I delayed us separating as long as I could.

“Oh my gosh!” I heard a whisper. “Ben! Ben, come here.” Julie had seen us through the open door. I heard Ben’s less cautious steps approach. I stayed still, imagining the awkward one-sided conversation that would follow if they knew I was up.

“Wow. I didn’t think she’d be that kind of girl,” Ben said.

“Don’t be stupid!” Julie breathed at him. “They’re both fully clothed, sleeping with the door open. It’s sweet. Besides, you know how Akinli is.”

“How he is doesn’t matter. A hot chick in your bed is always good.”

I heard Julie slap him somewhere, and they both went downstairs. I suddenly remembered I’d have to explain Julie’s dress to her. A few minutes passed, and I felt Akinli start to stir. I rolled over so that he would see I was where I promised I would be. When he opened his eyes, I was there.

We endured Ben’s suggestive comments through breakfast, Akinli insisting the whole time nothing happened while I nodded in silence. I wrote a note apologizing to Julie for all the sand on her dress, but she just looked like it was the best thing that had ever happened to an article of her clothing and told me not to worry.

There was work to be done, and Akinli and I had made for a late start. I wanted to stay with Akinli, to not miss any time with him, but he said that I should stay since he had a lot to do and wanted to catch up with Ben. I assumed catching up meant “tell him about kissing you and why you were in my bed.” I really didn’t want to be there for that anyway.

“Besides,” he said, “I’ll be back in a few hours. It’s not that much today. It’ll give you a chance to miss me. And we’ll go out this afternoon; I think you should get to know your way around since you’re staying and all.” He grinned excitedly at the thought.

We were in the guest room as he was telling me this. I was still in my pajamas. The window was open, and the salty air blew in. The Ocean was still being quiet, which was good. I’d need to find a way to get back in Her good graces. My plans wouldn’t work without Her help. It was a long shot, but still.

Akinli pulled me in for a hug and held me for a minute. I was surprised by how natural this all felt. It was like I had always hugged him good-bye in the mornings, like this was our routine. I didn’t want to let him go, and as he pulled away he must have seen some of that on my face.

“Hey… are you okay? Do I need to stay?” he asked, touching my cheeks and forehead like he was checking to see if I had a temperature.

I grabbed for my notebook.

I’m just fine. Of course, you should go. Do everything you need to, hang out with Ben, take your time. I’ll see if Julie needs help here— she’s been so nice.

“Yeah, she’d probably love to have you around. I think she gets sick of us boys. But are you sure?”

I nodded enthusiastically. I just hated to lose the time, that was all. But it was ridiculous to think he’d spend every waking moment with me. Besides, I could spare him for a few hours. If I managed to break away from Julie, I could go talk to the Ocean. Maybe She’d feel like She owed me one at this point. I could play that up.

“Alright, you just have to promise you’ll miss me, okay?”

I put my hand up like I was taking an oath and smiled. He looked at me wickedly.

“Nope. Not convinced.”

With that he stole my notebook out of my hands, pulled me in, and kissed me. It wasn’t as driven as the night before. He was sincere, confident. Last night he was trying to evoke an emotion in me. Today he was sure it was already there— I could feel it in him, too. I was beginning to discover that there were many kinds of kisses that said a world of things. Maybe if I could just keep kissing him, I would never need my voice anyway.

When we broke apart, his breathing was a little unsteady.

“Alright. You’d better think of me all day now.”

I sighed at him, pulled back my notebook and scribbled quickly.

Silly boy.

Julie was truly grateful to have the help cleaning up. It was the least I could do for sheltering, feeding, and clothing me. Besides, I was used to spending most of my time with girls. Akinli had left my tiny notebook with me, which was better than having to hunt down paper when I had to ask a question. At first there wasn’t much to say, mostly asking where sponges were. But after a while, Julie started talking like she had the night before.

“So Akinli said you might stay with us a while. That true?”

Did he not ask you first? If that’s not okay with you, I understand.

“No, No! I really like you Kahlen. You’re sweet as can be. You kind of fit in here. I was just wondering if this was his idea or yours. If it’s what
you
wanted…”

I nodded.

“Are you sure? I mean someone out there might be looking for you,” she said.

Honestly, I really don’t think so. I could be wrong, but I think I’m alone.

She shook her head as she spoke. “I don’t think so. You’re perfectly healthy— it’s not like you’ve been living on the streets. And he didn’t exactly find you in rags. You were in a really expensive dress. Don’t you remember how you got it? I mean, either you’re something like a debutant or you stole it.” She immediately cringed for letting those words out. “Sorry.”

I don’t know where it came from. I don’t even want the stupid thing. If you’re worried about me stealing from you, I can’t say I’d blame you. If a stranger was in my house, I’d worry, too.