Authors: Kiera Cass
So this was the girl who supported him for years only to leave over something as silly as his job. This would have been who had his shoes the day I first saw him on the beach. This was the last girl he touched.
As each of these thoughts passed through my head, my heart broke. No one could deserve him, and she would never love him like I did, but she was right for him in a way that I wasn’t.
Julie said she was going to get started on dinner. I motioned that I would help and went to her as soon as I’d changed clothes. I saw that Casey was sitting next to Akinli on the couch, but that’s all I let myself absorb.
I was glad we were working from scratch because it meant there was more to do. I went to start chopping some tomatoes, but Julie stole them and handed me an onion instead. She knew what she was doing, and I gratefully shed a few tears without judgment. Julie looked tense. I felt bad for her. I took my time doing every task she gave me— anything to avoid going into the living room and actually see them interacting. When there was nothing left to do, Julie cornered me near the oven.
“Are you alright, sweetie?” she whispered.
It was a lie, but I nodded.
“Do you want a hug?”
My lips pulled down, preparing for sobs that I wouldn’t allow to come. She drew me in, and petted my hair.
“It’ll be okay. He didn’t look happy to see her. They’ll talk some things out, and she’ll leave. I don’t think she’s going to be able to do anything to change his mind.”
I tried to look like I believed her, but in truth, I was weighing it all in my head. While I wanted him more than anything, I knew I couldn’t stay. If he would take her back, she would be better for him than I would. She could speak to him, grow old with him. He would only ever grow old
around
me. I wouldn’t mind that so much, but I couldn’t explain that to him.
And he would only ever manage to grow old around me if I didn’t accidentally kill him. I had been lucky. Twice since I’d come here a sound had escaped: the yelp because of Evan and the laugh for Akinli. Twice in one week. So that meant this family would be in danger from me roughly a hundred times a year if I stayed.
From the second he took my hand in the woods, I feared the moment I would have to leave Akinli. I thought it would be years from now, but that just wasn’t an option. This would be easier, quicker, safer. Casey had provided a timely exit. Now I just had to pray things worked out for them and wait for the right moment.
At dinner, Casey operated quickly so that I ended up sitting far away from Akinli while she positioned herself beside him. She dominated the conversation by talking about school, her plans, and people that she and Akinli both knew. He paid attention when she mentioned his friends, but that was about it. I tried not to look at him. Julie tried to be a gracious hostess and asked Casey questions since I couldn’t, Akinli wouldn’t, and Ben just smirked at the whole situation. When Casey was done speaking, she turned on me.
“You didn’t eat much, Katie, are you on a diet?”
“Kahlen,” Julie and Akinli said in unison.
“Oops,” was her reply.
Akinli went to the counter for my notebook, guessing that I would want to defend myself. I turned to a blank page suddenly realizing that we’d nearly filled the book in the few days we had it.
I’m just not very hungry. Thanks for your concern.
I let her read that and then wrote something for Julie.
What I did have was excellent, thank you.
“Anytime.” She smiled.
“So you can’t speak and you don’t know who you are or where you’re from or anything?” Casey asked.
I shook my head.
“How did that happen? What’s the last thing you remember?” she posed.
At this the whole table looked up. No one had thought to ask me this, at least not so directly anyway. I’d found that telling the truth is the easiest way to remember your story, so I gave them the most honest answer I could.
I can’t even begin to know what it was, but something made me upset. I was scared and sad and angry. So I ran away. I ran and ran and ended up in the woods. Then I heard Akinli. I was worried because it was a man’s voice, but then he looked kind. And here I am.
Julie read this to the room, and Akinli looked touched.
“Am I really the first thing you remember?” he asked timidly.
I nodded. He almost smiled.
“That makes me nervous,” Julie said. “It sounds like someone tried to attack you.”
“Good thing we have these two strong men around,” Casey said, her voice full of implications.
Ben suggested playing a board game after dinner while yet another baseball game he wanted to watch was on. It was all a waste. The only two people really involved were Casey and me, trying desperately to beat the other. It’s probably for the best that Julie won without even trying.
When it was a little after nine, I felt it was late enough to excuse myself. I waved goodnight to the room. I’m not sure if the longing in Akinli’s face was imagined or not. It would be easier to think it wasn’t real. But I gazed at him a few seconds longer than I should have, memorizing his beautiful face, in case it was the last time I saw it. I changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed. I looked out the window at the Ocean. Once I was sure everyone was asleep, I’d go back to Her.
When I heard everyone move upstairs, I threw a little hissy fit under the cover of their footfalls. I was so upset.
I could tell Casey was shallow, no match for his character at all. But Akinli had feelings for her; he would have asked her to leave right away if there wasn’t anything there. Akinli hadn’t made me any promises. I wished I had just one so I could stake my claim, but in the end, it was better this way.
With the footsteps drowning it out, I threw my clothes around and ripped my blanket off the bed. If I could have screamed, I would.
Love is completely irrational.
As the minutes passed, I grew anxious to get to the Ocean. I would have to confess everything, but I wasn’t afraid of Her reaction anymore. Anything She had for me couldn’t be worse than what I was feeling.
I crept out onto the porch. I kept telling myself it would be better this way. It would’ve had to hurt so much worse if I had stayed for months or years. All of those memories to live with. The night was deep now. No one would see or hear.
Akinli must have left his window open because I heard their voices enter his room. I froze.
“What made you come?” he asked.
“I miss you. I’m willing to admit I made a mistake. I never should have let you go,” Casey replied.
“
Let
me go?” he said incredulously. I guessed that was a poor description of their last moments together. “Casey, my parents had just died.” His voice broke. “I was just trying to keep my life together, keep my head above water. I just couldn’t stay there anymore. Didn’t you get that? It wasn’t about you.”
My eyes welled up. I wished I could go hold him. He went on.
“I needed to take care of myself. I was alone. I had Ben and Julie, and I thought I had you. But the minute things didn’t turn out the way you wanted, you gave up on me.”
“I know, I know. I was way out of line. I didn’t really want to let you go, I just lost my temper,” she said. It seemed to me she should have sounded more repentant than she did.
He was silent. I could hear his footsteps covering the small space in his room.
“Akinli, I came to tell you I made a mistake. You said when you left if I changed my mind I should tell you.” Ah, an open door he didn’t close. He would have done that. He was too kind for her. “Well, I did. We have a long history, and it was wrong of me to throw it all away. Besides, we both know your parents thought we were going to get married and…”
“Don’t,” he cut her off. “Don’t.”
She waited. After a long pause she spoke again.
“Does this have anything to do with
that girl
?” she spat.
“Kahlen,” he corrected her. “No. Even if she wasn’t here, I’m not sure I’d want to be with you.”
“Ah ha! But she is here, so it makes a difference, right?” she guessed.
“We’ve gotten very close since she came here. I invited her to stay with us. She said yes, and Ben and Julie are all for it,” he told her.
“You’ve gotta’ be kidding me!” she said loudly. Ben and Julie were no doubt hearing all of this as well. “She’s been here, what, a few days? How do you manage to get close to someone who can’t even talk?” she asked, unconvinced.
“You’d be surprised. She communicates a lot. She’s not a complicated person, and if you had paid attention tonight, she was saying lots of things,” he said.
“Like what?” she asked, still doubtful.
“Like she’s leaving this all up to me. She likes me, but she’s not bothered that you came. She wants me to do whatever would make me happiest; if she could say it out loud, she would. I can count on her. She’s steady. If someone came for her and took her away, I’d be her friend. If you ended up in my life, she’d be mine. I can’t say I’d get that from you.”
Wow. He saw right through me. Sometimes, he had me so right. Whatever he wanted, I was prepared to give. Girlfriend, lover, friend, acquaintance… however he wanted me, I’d be that for him.
“Well, if she doesn’t care, and I really do, then you
should
be with me.”
He snorted.
“I can’t believe this!” Casey squealed. “Are you seriously telling me you’ve got some sort of crush on her? I mean, I know you like to be Mr. Protector and Provider, but think about it. She’s completely mute, and she has absolutely nothing. Well, she has a name. Not even that— half of one. She’s a nobody.”
Akinli didn’t respond. Maybe he had an argument, maybe he didn’t. Either way, it was silent.
She softened her tone. “Look, Akinli, I didn’t come up here to argue with you. I wanted to tell you I was sorry and that I still love you. I know I caught you off guard today, but let’s just sleep on it. We can talk it over in the morning. I really want to be in your life, Akinli.”
I heard him sigh. “In the morning,” he agreed.
“Thank you,” she said. “Now, why don’t you come to bed?” I heard her pat the mattress.
“Wait, we’re
not
sleeping in the same bed.”
“Actually, I was thinking we could worry about sleep a little later,” she breathed, her words dripping with seduction.
“No. I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” I heard him start to scramble around his room. “You can sleep in here. I’ll take the couch.”
“I don’t think so. She’s right there,” Casey stated, anger rising in her voice.
“I don’t know what you’re imagining I’ll do, but if you don’t trust me, maybe you should leave.” There was no threat to Akinli’s words. He was completely calm. I was proud of him. It was firm enough for her to know he meant it, but gentle enough that she would stay. I heard his door open.
“Akinli?” she called quietly.
“Yes?”
“Do you miss it at all? Do you want things to go back to how they used to be?” she asked, sounding sweet for the first time.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I do miss my life feeling… normal. I miss that a lot.” He paused a moment. “Goodnight, Casey.”
I heard the door close. Casey moved around and then muttered aloud, “Ugh! Even his pillow smells like the fish. This place is a dump.”
I wanted to smack the words out of her mouth.
A few seconds passed, and through the window I heard the door to the guest room open.
“Kahlen?” Akinli whispered. I quickly moved to the end of the porch and jumped off, hiding behind the corner of the house. I heard his hands come to rest on the open window sill.
“Kahlen?” he called louder. All was quiet. “Oh, no,” he said going back inside.
I ran to hide behind the closest house. Looking back, I saw the lights come on in every room, downstairs and up. A moment later it was Julie’s voice on the porch calling my name. She went back inside, looking nervous. With the night to hide me, I turned and ran full out to the open Sea.
CHAPTER
12
Hitting the water was a terrifying relief. I felt the sobs come right away, but She was too happy that I came back to notice. For a few seconds the Ocean showered me with that happiness and begged me for forgiveness. She really did feel terrible about me losing Jillian. If I had asked Her for anything with Akinli, I’ll bet She would have caved. It would have taken a lot of persuasion, but I would have had Her help.
Maybe. What the hell did I know anymore? Every thought that entered my head was wrong and backwards. My stupidity only added to my sadness, and I cried even more fiercely.
The Ocean fell into silence as She felt the enormity of my conflict and sorrow. The sobs grew into wails as I could finally, fully unleash my voice. The noise seemed completely indecent. Even I shied away from the sound.
She begged me to explain, but my words were lost. I couldn’t think. All I could do was cry. Knowing that leaving was best didn’t make it any easier to do. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I could just go back. Crawl in the open window that led to
my
room in
my
home.