Authors: Kiera Cass
It was easy to find our way back home. I could have done it on my own: drive until the big T in the road, turn left. I looked at the long road again, and this time I felt a part of me lift when I saw the sign that said “Welcome to the Village of Port Clyde.”
I showed off my book to Ben and Julie when I got home; I genuinely couldn’t contain myself. Julie patted my hair and winked at me when the boys weren’t looking. Another sisterhood in the making.
Ben made a variety of things on the grill for dinner. I had chicken. I loved the smell of grilled food. Sitting around the table, everyone bantered back and forth. If I managed to write down a comment fast enough, Akinli would read it aloud. There were laughter and jokes, comments on family members, and things on the news. They didn’t just fill up silence, they communicated. There were even a few moments that made me uncomfortable because Ben would say something that Akinli disagreed with, and they would heatedly debate it until Julie asked them to stop. But when it was over, no one was mad. It was completely okay to disagree here.
We settled in the living room after dinner to watch sports. I didn’t have a clue what was going on, so I kept thumbing through my book, reading its short pages over and over. If I was going to stay here, maybe Julie and I could fight for some more feminine programming every once in a while. Poor girl got run over here all by herself. Every once in a while when I looked up to see something on the TV, I found Akinli looking over at me, just quietly smiling.
The evening passed quickly, like all my time with Akinli did. Julie gave me a hug before she went up to bed with Ben. Akinli did end up reading my book out loud to me on the couch. He hadn’t heard it before. He loved it.
“Have you ever been friends with a tree?” he asked me jokingly.
I shook my head. No, not with a
tree
.
When it was time for bed, he walked me to the door of the guest room— my room— and put one hand up on the wall.
“Listen. This is going to sound weird at first, but I want you to hear me out. I just… I want you to stay down here tonight. And I’m going to stay upstairs. I really want to do things right with you. It’s not easy to behave when you’re right there in my bed. And I care about you too much do something stupid and mess this up. Does that make sense?” He looked worried and kind of embarrassed.
I wanted to be with him more than I could say, but the thought about the way things might progress scared me. Though some of my thoughts and feelings changed with the eras, I was enough of my original self to want to wait for this. It was a struggle though. What was it girls said nowadays? Oh yeah. Akinli was hot.
I put my hand to his face, brushing a piece of his long hair out of his eyes. I nodded with a meaningful look on my face. I hoped he would understand just how much I agreed.
“I should have known you’d be great about this. You’re too good for me, Kahlen.” He looked at me with love in his eyes, and I wished he would just say it.
Please!
I willed.
Tell me you love me!
No such luck.
“Give me a kiss goodnight,” he said.
I went up on tiptoe to reach his lips and kiss him. He kissed me back, putting one hand high on my waist. The kiss connected to another.
And another.
Heat. Earthquakes. Dizziness.
The space between our bodies disappeared. I toppled backwards into the doorframe, feeling the weight of his body against me. His arms and chest were so muscular. It wasn’t for show like it was with some men; Akinli had earned this body. This somehow made it even sexier to me.
As always, he was warm. I could feel his temperature where my bare arms touched his skin and on my hands that were tangled into intricate knots in his hair. His hands that had been high on my waist slid down and were now resting high on the backs of my thighs. Tomorrow that thought would make me embarrassed. Right now, it only made me want him more.
Like last night, one of my legs hooked around him unintentionally, and he willingly took that invitation to come even closer in. I felt lightheaded. That unexplainable weakness rose in me again. I felt like I might pass out. I wondered if I was capable of that. I was lost in my wanting him when I suddenly felt his hands turn into fists.
Akinli stumbled away from me, and that took some effort with my leg still in place. I looked at him with guilt in my eyes, like a child caught doing something they were specifically told not to.
“See?... I’m not…” He sighed. “Okay. Sorry, Kahlen. I’ll see you in the morning.” He gave me a peck on the cheek and dashed up the stairs, running his hands through his hair.
Why did he have to be such a good kisser? It was all his fault. Stupid fisherman. Stupid, sexy fisherman. Stupid, sexy, wonderful fisherman. Who was I kidding? Who do you blame when there is no sin?
Wait… Was I a good kisser, too? I mean, he seemed just as drawn in as I was. Maybe I was! Imagine that.
I wanted to apologize for not being more guarded, but I had just told him I’d stay downstairs, and I didn’t want to disobey. My apology would wait for the morning. I walked in the door of my room and put on the pajamas I had left folded on the chair. Then I turned and saw something resting on my pillow: a small box and a note. I caught my name written on the top of the page.
Kahlen-
I thought you might get upset if I did too much. But you’re special
to
me, so you should have something special
from
me. I hope it’s a good representation of something I know you like and the change I’ve felt since you came. I’m so happy you’re staying.
Yours, Akinli
I knew he had disappeared for too long today, I knew it! When did he manage to sneak this in here? I opened the box, and on the cottony fluff at the bottom was a thin necklace with a tiny charm: a glittering, silver leaf.
Perfect! Just perfect! If I had gone myself, I don’t think I could have chosen anything better. I raced to the mirror and tried it on. It was so small and delicate. It wasn’t obnoxious— the way some girls’ jewelry was— and only the two of us would understand it. I hated that he spent who knows how much on this, but I really did love it.
I quietly went out into the kitchen and rummaged through the junk drawer I discovered while cleaning this morning. There it was— a thick marker. I found paper and wrote as large of letters as would fit on the page. I hoped it would be big enough. I went back into my room and crawled out the window onto the porch. From there, I walked down the steps to the open space that was their back yard.
The light was already off in his room, but I’d bet all kinds of money I didn’t have that he was laying there awake. I picked up a rock and threw it gently at his window. It hit. I saw a shadow move. I threw another rock. He saw where the sound came from this time and went over to the widow. He pulled it open and stuck his smiling face out into the night. I held up my sign.
THANK YOU
I saw his eyes catch the glittering at my neck. His face was glowing.
CHAPTER
11
I was at home here now. I knew it because the next few days passed with me as a part of the regular motions. One morning, after Akinli came into my room to kiss me good-bye I found myself alone in the house. They trusted me here alone. I wasn’t sad to be by myself. Looking around, I felt the presence of my adopted family in every room. Julie’s knitting bag was full to the brim with yarn in one corner. Ben had left his half-full glass of milk on the coffee table. The book Akinli had been reading the night before was left open and face down on the arm of a chair, not bothering with a bookmark. They were with me as I sat in the silent house.
Because no one was here to hear it, and because I ached to say it out loud so badly, I spoke.
“I love you all so much,” I said into the air.
I wanted them to continue to trust me, so I tried to be useful while they were gone. I cleaned up the kitchen, which was something that needed to be done more than once in a day. Ben and Akinli were like tornadoes around food. I did some of Akinli’s laundry; I knew where his dirty clothes were and Julie had shown me how to work the washer that day we stayed home alone. I tried to tidy the house, but it didn’t all go smoothly. Ben and Akinli came home to find me battling with the vacuum cleaner. Akinli just smiled.
Julie took bunches of her clothes and put them in the dresser in my room. She even went out and bought personal things I hadn’t thought about needing— like a real toothbrush. We went out for a walk, the whole family, and Ben draped an arm around my shoulder. I knew that was as much of a welcome from him as his manliness would permit, and it meant the world to me. We went to visit the lighthouse. I climbed over the rocks with Akinli, watching the sky change colors at sunset. Some families sat at picnic tables in the area. I liked it here.
I was surprised when we left to see a memorial to the fishermen lost in the harbors of St. George. I thought this place was so small that the number would have to be practically insignificant. But I was just getting used to the town; maybe I was wrong.
One afternoon, while Akinli and I were watching yet another one of his ridiculous movies, we laid down on the couch. I found myself wedged between him and the back pillows with an arm and a leg draped across him. I don’t remember falling asleep; I certainly didn’t make the decision to. I woke up and the movie was over. The TV was going, and Ben and Julie were sitting in the room, too. Ben was in the chair, eyes locked on the TV. Julie was curled up with her knitting. She stretched and rubbed her stomach and went back to her work. I looked up at Akinli’s face, and he seemed completely alert.
“Hey there, gorgeous,” he whispered. His hand was tracing slow lines down my arm.
I must have looked confused.
“I just couldn’t wake you up. You look so beautiful when you sleep.”
I smiled.
He must love me. I felt radiant.
When Thursday came, I celebrated a tiny anniversary internally. A week ago tonight, Akinli had found me. No one was looking for me, which had them all surprised. Akinli was more and more certain each day that I was staying for good. I could do this. It wasn’t so bad to have to be quiet. And I was careful.
I still hadn’t gone to the Ocean yet. I was afraid of Her reaction. It was sort of like talking myself into speaking to Her that first time all over again. I kept telling myself She would be kind, but after how everything happened with Jillian, I didn’t know if I could trust that to be true. I had to build up a little more courage.
Friday was a lazy day. Akinli and I crawled out of his window and sat on the roof of the porch. We laid out blankets, he pulled a radio out on the window sill, and we read books to pass the hours. Julie had tried to get me into a two-piece bathing suit, but I just couldn’t do it. Streaking in the dark was one thing, but being half-naked in front of Akinli was another. I settled for a tank top and shorts, and he eyed me enough as it was in those.
It was pleasant outside. We didn’t speak too much, but he did give me a nervous look at one point in the day and asked, “Do you really like it?”
He was looking at my necklace. Again. I didn’t bother with a nod. I kissed him. I was tired of letting him pick when we kissed. He didn’t seem to mind. We sank back into silence for a while. A question had been brewing in me since he’d spoken the words, and I wasn’t sure if it was either appropriate or important to ask. But there on the roof, my curiosity won out.
You said the other day you wanted to do things right with me… does that mean you’ve done it wrong before?
I was going to have to rewrite that; it sounded too vague. But he understood. I knew because he looked ashamed.
“I don’t suppose you would even remember if you’ve had boyfriends or not, or, if you had, what you’ve done. But I want you to know even if you weren’t exactly innocent, I wouldn’t be bothered by it. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like that you seem to be though. I really like that about you. You’re sweet and modest. It’s refreshing.
“But, yeah, I’ve got a bit of a history there. I’ve slept with three girls. The first two were in high school, back when it was just something you did. Sex didn’t really mean much to me at the time. I mean, it was fun, but it wasn’t special. I don’t know if that makes sense.”
He looked at me, and I nodded. I thought I understood what he meant.
“Ok. Umm, so the third girl was my only serious girlfriend. We dated for two years in college, right up until my parents died. I don’t know if I told you about her, but yeah, we were really involved. I thought she was the one, you know? So we thought we’d be together forever. But I think that sleeping with her made the end worse. I was older, so it was important. Everything was so personal, so I thought I’d see if she was unhappy with me; I thought we were so connected.
“I’m telling you, she dumped me out of nowhere.
“That was months ago. I wasn’t really looking for anyone after that. Finding you was a surprise.” He smiled at me, forgetting what he was saying for a moment.
“Anyway, I didn’t feel anything with the girls I didn’t care about, and I felt awful later with the girl I cared about most. I made the decision to wait now, not knowing who would come along or when. And I know it’s soon to say it, but I really like you.”