Authors: Sue Brown
I flush at the knowing look. “Can I do anything for you two? Shopping or housework? Otherwise I’m gonna kip before Jack turns up. My head hurts.”
That sends Sylvia into more fussing. “You go to sleep. I’m not going to let you do anything until you’re better.”
Mary rolls her eyes at her daughter. “Don’t be ridiculous, Sylv. He just needs the pills.” She waves her hand at my door. “Go to sleep for a while, David. I’ll wake you if we need anything. Do you need some painkillers?”
“I bought some when I got the antibiotics, thanks,” I say.
Sylvia wants to tuck me in but Mary tells her to knock it off. Relieved, I scurry away before she follows through on her threat.
I take one of the antibiotics. It’s huge and tastes foul but I swallow it down with plenty of water and chase it up with two paracetamol.
I go to sleep with my arms wrapped around the pillow Jack used last night. It smells of him and I inhale deeply, comforted by his smell.
I’m woken up by something…. I’m not sure what… and it makes me sit up with a start, my heart slamming in my chest.
“David, what’s the matter?” Jack looks up at me with concern, blinking sleepily.
I lie back down and clutch on to him. “I… how long have you been there?” I ask.
“About half an hour. Sylvia told me you weren’t feeling good, so I thought we could relax rather than go out tonight.” Jack holds me tightly, enveloping me in his arms. I press myself against him, not sure what has made me so frightened.
“We don’t have to do that. Let’s go to the pub.” I need to get out from here. Think of something else.”
“Are you sure? I’m happy to watch TV.”
I shake my head. “It’s only a chest infection. I’ve got antibiotics and it’s not catching.”
He looks at me dubiously. “If you’re sure.”
“I’m sure.”
I’ve got to get away from the noise in my head, and the pub seems as good a place as any—no alcohol though.
“The local club is having a gay night. Normally it’s over twenty-ones, but they’ve reduced it to eighteens and over as long as you have ID. Do you want to go?”
My eyes widen. I’ve never been to a club. It might be just what I need to take me out of myself. “I don’t have any ID.”
“What?” Jack looks puzzled.
“No ID.”
“Not a passport or a driver’s license or something?”
I shake my head. “Nothing.”
Jacks looks momentarily disappointed and then he shrugs. “Oh well. We’ll just go to the pub.” At my look of horror, he says, “No snakebite, I promise. We’ll stick to Coke this time. Do you want to tell Mary you’re going?”
“Not if Sylvia’s there. She won’t let me out of the house.”
He grins. “Was she fussing?”
I shudder. “You have no idea. She was worse than my….” I stop. I was going to mention my mother but she has no place here.
Jack arches an eyebrow. “Than your…?”
“Doesn’t matter,” I mutter. “Have I got time to take a shower?”
“It’s only half seven. Plenty of time.”
I head for the shower, stripping off as I go. I turn the water on. As I straighten, a very warm and very naked body plasters itself against me.
“Thought I’d join you in case you needed someone to wash your back.”
I shiver under the rush of water. The feel of his dick and his warm breath in my ear is a real turn-on, and my cock responds accordingly.
“You can wash me.” My voice is squeaky with need.
Jack laughs—the bastard—and then he’s soaping my back, and my arse, and other parts of me, and I forget to be embarrassed about my voice.
“Fuck,” I breathe out as he slides his hand up my dick.
“Is that what you want?” Jack asks. “Want me to fuck you against the wall?”
The way I press my arse into him is answer enough. I’m cold momentarily, while he gets the lube, and then he’s back, pressing a slick finger into my arse. He’s still new enough to this to take it slowly, not sure enough of my body or his skill to rush preparing me. I appreciate the care he’s taking, too used to being taken without any thought of my needs.
“Is this okay?” he asks as he pushes in a third finger.
It’s okay—it’s more than okay—to have his body against mine and his fingertips brushing my prostate. My hands clench involuntarily into fists from the sensation.
“Jesus, Jack!” I yell as the need to climax becomes more urgent.
Jack grunts as he enters me. Even with the care he’s taken, I have to take a deep breath as my body resists, then he’s filling me up with his cock, his body hard against mine.
Jack drops his head to my shoulder and he takes deep breaths as he tries to gain some control. “Fuck, if I move I’m going to blow,” he mutters into my ear.
“Isn’t that the point?” I ask, grinning at him, and then I end up coughing at water going in my mouth and the tightness in my chest.
“Jeez, don’t do that,” Jack groans.
It takes me a couple of minutes to stop coughing. “Do what? Choke?”
“Every time you cough it clamps on my dick. I feel like I’ve lost all the blood supply.”
“Bet you don’t feel like you’re coming anymore,” I point out.
He’s quiet for a minute. “Bastard,” he hisses.
“Uh-huh. Glad to be of service.”
“You just stand there and let me fuck you.”
I let him do what he wants to do.
Chapter Sixteen
December 31
I
SHUT
the door firmly in the face of Mary’s concern. She wants me to join her for the New Year celebration, but all I want to do is hide, as I have for the past three years. This time at least, I have a bed, rather than a hollow under a bush. Thankfully, Sylvia is working, because she would have made a fuss. Mary just kissed me on the cheek and went back to her sitting room with her sherry and the BBC.
I used to listen to the sounds of people celebrating, the drunken rowdiness as they walked through the park, and, occasionally, the heated gasps of lovers as they fucked against a tree or over the bench. I would clap my hands over my ears to avoid the sound of midnight and the cheers and fireworks.
This year, I climb into bed and cover my ears with headphones. I play Nickelback and hope I fall asleep. I want it to be light when I wake up, and for midnight to be a distant memory.
Jack is with his family. He tried to persuade me to join him but I was adamant, and he left me with a kiss and a promise of what he’s going to do to me on New Year’s Day. In my cocoon under the duvet, my cheeks heat. For a boy with no experience, he’s learning fast. I’m wondering if the Internet has something to do with that.
I have to emerge from my cocoon when I get overheated. I roll over onto my back and close my eyes as I listen to the music. I can’t believe I’m here, tucked up in a warm bed, rather than the hollow of my bush in the park. I can’t believe I’ve done the one thing I promised myself I’d never do again: become dependent on other people. From the moment I agreed to go home with Sylvia, I’ve felt like a spinning top, totally out of control. I tell myself I had a choice, and I made the choice to move on, but I’m not sure that’s true. Perhaps the only choice I had was whether to live or die. Facing death as a teenager was not an easy decision. My lungs would never have survived, though. I rub my chest, in more pain than I’ve been prepared to admit. Sylvia would have had me back in hospital if I’d opened my mouth.
I can’t ignore it any longer. Sighing, I take off the headphones, get out of bed, and head toward the bathroom. I’m rooting through the cabinet for paracetamol when I hear the muffled sound of Big Ben striking the first chime from Mary’s sitting room. I know that sound. It haunts every nightmare I’ve had for the past four years. I slam my hands over my ears to block it out, but it penetrates my head, chiming over and over again.
“Danny… Danny… shhh, you’re safe. You’re all right now. Come on, honey.” Hands try to drag my hands away from my ears.
“No, no. Leave me alone.” I bat the hands away before they hurt me, begging them not to hurt me,
please, please don’t hurt me again. I’ll be good, don’t throw me out.
Over and over I beg, wrapping my arms around my knees and rocking, backward and forward, but the chiming keeps on, keeps fucking on.
“Danny, stop it. You’re safe now. I won’t hurt you. I won’t throw you out.”
In the screaming funk in my head, a firm voice tells me to calm down. I don’t understand what it means, but it keeps talking. Eventually, I understand the voice is Mary’s. I open my eyes, blinking in confusion as I realize we’re both on the bathroom floor.
“What happened?” I ask, my voice a croaky mess.
The relief on Mary’s face is obvious. “I heard you screaming. I came in to find you here, screaming your head off.” She gets to her feet and holds out a hand. “Come on, let’s get you back to bed, and you can tell me what set you off.”
Ignoring her hand, I get up, swaying from the rush in my head.
“For heaven’s sake…,” she mutters and slides an arm around my waist. Mary doesn’t let go until I’m beside the bed. “Get in,” she says. “I’ll make us a drink.”
I lie down and close my eyes, wanting to block her out, and her concern. It’s weighing me down. I keep them closed until the bed dips as Mary sits down next to me.
“Shall we start with what just happened there?” she asks.
“Nothing.” I turn my head away from her.
“Danny, you seem to be under the misapprehension that I’m stupid.”
I turn to look at her then. “I don’t think you’re stupid.”
She looks at me steadily. “Then tell me why I found you screaming on my bathroom floor.”
I swallow several times, unable to say the words that will make me look like the idiot I am. But she waits patiently, her intent gaze telling me better than words that I can’t avoid the subject. “I heard the chimes of Big Ben from the TV. I panicked.”
Mary nods. “Has this happened before?”
“Once. I was on my own, though. Nobody saw. I woke up to a black eye I gave myself.”
She reaches over to hold my hand. “I think you need to see a doctor.”
“I’m not hurt this time.” Apart from my chest, which feels so tight.
“I mean a psychiatrist.”
I try to pull my hand away, but she hangs on to it. “A shrink?”
“You are obviously traumatized by what happened. They might be able to make sense of it for you.”
I tug my hand away then and wrap my arms around my knees. “What is there to make sense of? My dad threw me out at New Year. I have issues about Big fucking Ben.”
“Don’t swear,” Mary says, but there’s no heat in her words. She looks worried. It makes me worried.
I want to shout and scream at her, but I’m not a fucking kid anymore.
“Here.” She hands me a hot chocolate.
I don’t need the drink, but she’ll only fuss if I don’t take it. I sip it cautiously. “What’s in this?” I ask.
“Whiskey,” Mary says. “You need to sleep rather than lie here fretting.”
“Sylvia wouldn’t approve.”
“Sylvia doesn’t need to know,” she snaps.
It tastes odd, but I deal. I’m tired, and the thought of sleeping appeals. “I’m sorry for frightening you.”
She waves her hand. “It takes more than an odd scream to frighten me.”
“I guess you’ve seen it all before.”
“I’ve seen many kids who refuse to admit anything’s wrong,” she says. “They’re the ones who run away.”
“I’ve survived this long by myself.”
“And now you don’t have to.” Mary looks at me kindly. “Don’t fight the help, Danny. You need it.”
“David.”
Mary nods. “David. I’m sorry, I forgot.”
I lie back against the pillows and close my eyes. Mary strokes my forehead and then she leaves me alone with a whispered, “Happy New Year, David.”
I can’t bring myself to whisper it back.
January 1, 2004
J
ACK
drags me down to the river. He’s all excited and bouncy, and I’ve no idea what the fuck for. One thing I do notice is he’s wearing glasses, rather than his blue contact lenses, and his green eyes have dark shadows under them.
“Heavy night last night?” I ask.
I see the look of guilt on his face and the puppy-like bouncing stops.
“Jack?”
“I don’t want you to be angry,” he says immediately.
I shrug. “Okay.” I bury my hands in the pockets of my coat because it’s fucking freezing.
He looks surprised. “Just like that? You’re not angry?”
“Do I have something to be angry about?”
Jack sighs and turns to look at the river. “Two of my school friends came over last night. We got drunk.”
“I didn’t know you had any friends at school.” Actually, that isn’t true. I remember Harry talking about a couple of friends.
“Thanks,” he says, looking offended. “I had one or two.”
“I’m sorry. You just said you were lonely.”
He nods. “They weren’t close friends, but we had classes together. Our parents were friends.”
“Did you have a good time?” I ask, trying to make things better. The last thing I want to do is make Jack angry or upset.
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I wish you’d been there, though. I wanted to introduce them to my boyfriend. I don’t think they believe you exist.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“They never met Danny, although I talked about him all the time.”
“Jack, have you seen you? You’re hot. You should have boys queuing around the block.”
He beams at me. “I only want one boy.”
“So why have you dragged me down here?”
Jack starts ticking off his fingers. “One, you need the fresh air. Two, I need the fresh air. Three, you need to get away from Mary and Sylvia sometimes. Four, this is the first place we went to….” He pauses.
I arch one eyebrow. “And five?”
“How do you know there is a five?”
“You’re telling me there isn’t?”
He grins and bounces again. “You know me too well. Okay, five, I’m coming to live in England for good. I’ll have to wait until I graduate high school but then I’m coming to college over here. Isn’t that great?”
I stare at Jack in horror. “No. No, you can’t do that.”
He frowns. “But I’ve arranged it. Well, I will do as soon as I get home. Don’t you want me to stay here?”