thirty-five
E
s schwere Deel –
the main sermon – was longer than customary that Preaching Sunday. Lettie sat between Grace and Mandy on the women’s and children’s side of Preacher Josiah’s front room for the three-and-a-half-hour service. She folded her trembling hands and looked over at Judah, Adam, and Joe, sitting together in a row with her father and Andy Riehl and his teenage sons. Breathing a prayer for peace, she silently called upon the name of the Lord.
More people had crowded into the house of worship than was typical. Or was she imagining this because she felt so ill at ease? The ministers had already discussed the gravity of her sins with her in private, preceding the start of the service today. The bishop had been the one to lay out the situation: Since she’d offered to own up to her wrongdoings publicly, without being approached by the ministers first, the only thing left – apart from the confession itself – was the vote of the People. They alone would decide whether or not to accept her back into the membership. This would follow directly after Lettie’s admission of sin.
She clenched her teeth as she contemplated her name being called out by the bishop for the hearing less than one hour from now. After her confession, she would rise to walk the long aisle that separated the men and teenage boys from the women and children, making her way slowly and reverently toward the back of the house. She would be expected to wait prayerfully outdoors for the verdict. If the membership agreed not to shun her for the sins of her youth, as well as her more recent transgression in abandoning her family, then she would not be excommunicated.
Lord, you alone know my heart fully....
Her breath caught in her throat, and Lettie pressed her hand to her lips.
Gelassenheit,
she thought. She must embrace an attitude of submission, just as she had been taught: giving up her will to God first, the ministerial brethren second, then down the order of command to her father, husband, and older brothers. The length of the worship service alone pointed to the importance of the act of waiting, of the need for meekness and unity and compliance evidenced each time the People gathered. Such was the age-old reenactment of surrender required by the revered ordinance.
This is the path I chose to walk, as I promised at the time of my baptism.
She gripped her hankie with one hand, and Grace’s hand with the other.
When the final points of the second sermon had at last been made by the older of the two preachers, Lettie felt not only contrite but fatigued by the steady stream of her thoughts.
If only Judah might be permitted to give me a word of comfort!
She closed her eyes and recalled their tender moments in the stable last week. Other precious times since her return came to mind. Formerly a man of few words, her husband’s kindhearted remarks encouraged her even now.
To this very hour!
Judah hankered to see how Lettie was holding up, yet he didn’t dare move his head so much as an inch. The main sermon had focused solely on the need for holy living and walking uprightly, avoiding fornication and adultery and all manner of evil – and, as a member of the “true Christian faith,” being willing to repent wholeheartedly when a breach of the baptismal vow might occur.
Without a doubt, the second sermon was meant primarily for Lettie. He’d heard similar sermons through the years, prior to a hearing of the People... before an errant member was put to a kneeling shame. The brethren felt the need to make a point of the person’s particular sin during that sermon.
Knowing his wife, Judah was confident she was presently in need of reassurance. He bowed his head slowly, discreetly, and clasped his hands in sincere prayer, hoping that by this act she might know that he was truly joined with her in spirit.
While Mamma clutched her hand, Grace offered her earnest, silent prayer:
O Lord, please help my dear mother. She needs your mercy and grace. Will you give her the strength to bear whatever may come? May she be comforted and find peace here, in this fellowship of believers. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Lettie was heartened by Judah’s quick look of loving concern when their eyes met briefly during the final testimonies –
Zeugniss –
associated with the main sermon. They were offered by several visiting ministers, as well as a few men specifically appointed by the preacher, including Lettie’s own father and her former brother-in-law, Ike Peachey.
All of them relate to iniquity in our lives.
The final piercing remarks intended to underscore the theme of his sermon were offered by the minister himself. Then the entire membership, cramped as they were, turned and knelt at their seats while the traditional prayer was read from
Die Ernsthafte Christenpflicht.
Soon the People stood and the benediction was given. Deacon Amos made the formal announcement that all members were to stay for “an important meeting” after the dismissal. The unbaptized youth, her young Joe included, and visiting non-members were released to go quietly from the house of worship.
The room was quiet enough to hear the People’s collective breath when Lettie’s name was finally called. She rose and went to kneel before the ministers at the front of the room. Closing her eyes, she bowed her head as the bishop stood to his feet.
“Do you, Lettie Byler, our sister in the Lord, promise to work with the church to be reinstated as a member in good standing?” the bishop asked.
“Jah.”
“Do you have a confession to make before the Lord God heavenly Father and your brothers and sisters gathered here?” he asked. “Do you?”
“With God’s help.”
“Are you ready now to reveal your sins to the membership?”
“Jah.” She did not lift her eyes to the bishop as she’d sometimes seen others do in a similar confessional position. She could not bear to catch Judah’s sad eyes in the background as she told of her immorality with Samuel Graber. Nor did she want to see the dear faces of her parents or her many siblings. And her children – oh, her precious children, having to witness this! No, Lettie would keep her eyes tightly closed.
“What sins did you, our sister, commit as a youth?” the bishop asked.
She breathed a prayer.
Dear Lord, be near to Adam, Grace, Mandy, and Joe....
“I entered into sin with my first beau when I was sixteen years old.”
“Was the transgression repeated with this man?”
She nodded her head, unable to speak for her humiliation.
“Our sister will answer audibly.”
After taking a short breath, she managed to speak. “It was.”
“And did this man lead you away from God and the church by your own volition?” came the bishop’s harsh question.
“Jah.”
“Did our sister express a rebellious spirit toward God and the church at that time?”
“Jah... and toward my parents, too.” She began to weep, thinking of the heartache she’d brought her family. “Father in heaven, forgive me!” she cried, covering her wet face with her hands and bowing low.
A collective sigh spread through the congregation.
After a time, the room was still once again and deathly silent.
Then the bishop spoke again. “Did our sister enter into an unholy agreement, though undeclared, with her parents and thus deceive the church and her own family?”
She wanted to be completely obedient, yet the weight of the question bore down on her. “I did,” she answered after a painful moment.
“And did you further deceive your own husband, Judah Byler, by keeping any knowledge of your sins from him these many years?” The bishop’s voice cracked unexpectedly.
“Jah.”
“Did our sister also birth a child from this forbidden union?”
Another wave of tears made her mute.
O Lord Jesus, will you lift this disgrace from your faithless child... your little lamb?
She prayed, using the name her father had given her as a child. “Jah, I birthed a daughter, a secret I kept with my parents.”
A hushed gasp rose from the large room.
“Did our sister leave behind her husband and family to search for this child... and her father, without permission from the ministers or Judah Byler?”
“I did.”
“And was our sister gone for weeks without the consent of her husband?”
If I can just persevere to the end...
Lettie thought, weeping. Her answer mixed with great sobs. “Jah, I did sin these... many transgressions.”
“Does our sister now believe that her sins are covered and forgiven by the blood of Jesus Christ?”
“That, I do... jah.”
“Are you, our sister, willing to submit to the order of this church?”
“Jah.”
“Lettie Byler, our sister, you may rise.”
She tried, but she could not get up. Her legs were limp. Falling slightly forward, she felt as if she might faint. And just when she felt the weakest, she was caught, suddenly, by strong hands... arms.
Looking up into the confident face of her husband, she gripped his hand and stood with his help.
Judah led her down the long aisle, toward the back porch of the house. “You endured to the end,” he whispered when they were alone.
She leaned on his arm, sobbing.
“The worst is over.” He gave her a peck on the cheek and turned to leave. “I must go inside now for the vote.”
Too weak to stand alone, Lettie lowered herself to sit on the back step, concealing her tear-stained face in her hands.
thirty-six
Heather had agreed to help Sally Smucker with her six children during the special members’ meeting following the church service. During the long morning gathering, however, she’d relished her time alone, even making some strides on her thesis work... having the largest Dawdi Haus all to herself. She’d occasionally heard singing – what sounded like Gregorian chant, except for the female voices mingled in. But she didn’t pay much attention after that as she reread and edited the many pages she’d written before coming here at the end of April.
On my birthday...
Presently she sat on a blanket under a giant oak tree, up near the barnyard and well removed from the house, with not only the Smucker kids, but Becky Riehl’s younger sisters, Rachel and Sarah. The Riehl girls had spotted her and offered to help entertain little Sally and baby Esther, so there they all sat, playing every imaginable game. Rachel and Sarah had even used the white hankies they had in their pockets to make little mice in cradles and other things Heather had never seen. She thought of her dad’s lively black Persian cats, Igor and Moe, and missed them. She told the children about the adorable pair.
After a time, the breeze carried the sound of an opening screen door, and she looked up to see Grace’s parents coming outside, just the two of them. Lettie Byler reached for her husband, crying on his arm. Thankfully, the children weren’t paying attention, but Heather was riveted to the scene unfolding on the back porch.
What could’ve happened to Lettie in there?
Her heart went out to them, especially to Lettie, when Judah left her to sit alone on the back steps and weep.
Adah was all in. Not only had the bishop put Lettie through the wringer, but Adah herself felt further implicated, even though she’d already offered her own private confession to the deacon.
Momentarily, the vote would be cast, and Lettie would be called back to hear the decision. Adah felt as wilted as her daughter had looked up there. She had been quite astonished to see Judah get up from his seat to walk to the front to help poor Lettie up.
Covering her mouth, Adah refused to weep, though she wanted to with all of her heart. This had been the most wrenching confession she’d witnessed in all her years. The man of God had set her daughter up as an example to the membership, especially to the young people who’d most recently joined church.
But it was while Lettie had answered the final difficult questions that Adah experienced a new wave of responsibility for Lettie’s leaving her family. She asked for God’s mercy to rest upon Lettie as she waited for the membership vote.
Grace’s eyes were riveted to the bishop as he rose to give the announcement. Heart in her throat, she waited for her mother to return to the meeting, and when Mamma walked down the middle aisle to the front, Grace caught Yonnie’s eye. For a moment, she felt terribly conflicted, uncertain if his glance meant he was hopeful... or mighty worried.
The bishop was speaking now, reporting the vote as unanimous “to restore our sister, Lettie Byler, as a member in good standing.”
Oh, thank the dear Lord!
Tears of joy rose up in her eyes as Grace stood quickly with all the others. She looked at Dat and Adam – and Dawdi Jakob, too – all of them waiting for the line to form to welcome Mamma back.
The atmosphere was charged with relief and gladness; the People were clearly rejoicing. Nary a word was exchanged between herself and Mandy or Mammi Adah, but their sparkling eyes and smiling faces spoke volumes.
Grace could hardly wait to greet her mother. The long night of fear and sadness was behind them. God had heard their prayers!
Strangely, though, when she looked back for Yonnie, he had disappeared.
Minutes later, Adah stood in the line to welcome Lettie back into fellowship with a customary handshake. She’d much rather have embraced her, but she’d do that privately, once they were home. Remarkably, the membership had, in one accord, restored her daughter to the church.
Making her way through the packed room, Adah went outside for some fresh air before the light meal was served. She sighed, enjoying the warmth of the day and trying to compose herself after the morning’s somber service. It was then she saw Heather Nelson sitting under the big tree with the Smucker children and two of Marian’s girls. She observed the way Heather interacted so lovingly with Sally’s two little ones.
She pondered the suspicion – foolish as it was – that Heather
could be Lettie’s daughter. She rehearsed what she knew:
born April twenty-ninth in Ohio... to an Amish mother
...
Watching Heather from afar, she realized that no matter how outlandish it seemed, she simply could not dismiss what she suspected.
I’ve got to deal with this once and for all. That’ll bury it for good
.
The best way to do that was to finally confirm that Heather was
not
Lettie’s child.
Find out what city she was born in... and what year....
Sighing, Adah wondered how she might go about obtaining the information without seeming overly intrusive, especially since she’d tried asking once already.
She began to walk toward the children and Heather, focused again on the young woman’s prominent hairline. Something clicked and it dawned on her that she
had
once known a person with such a well-defined widow’s peak.
Her memory flew back to one summer day – oh, so many years ago. She’d seen Lettie’s beau, young and wiry, with his straw hat off, his wet hair slicked straight back as he and Lettie ran up the road together, holding hands. Lettie had explained later, when Adah had pressed her, that her
“ornery friend”
had purposely dunked his head into Mill Creek on a double dare. The very notion had made Adah dislike the fellow all the more.
But now, studying Heather’s face, she was reminded again of Samuel... and that day.
And Samuel’s twin, Sarah, as well!
Now it was all coming back to her. She moved closer to the happy group of children surrounding the girl, desperate to know the truth. If the pretty Englischer was to name a different city as her place of birth, then and only then could Adah finally dismiss her hunch as wishful thinking.
“Hullo, Heather,” she called in her most cheerful voice.
Heather looked up. “Oh, Adah... I wasn’t sure if I’d see you before I leave today.” She set little Esther in Josiah Jr.’s lap, then stood up.
“Today?”
“My father needs my help to get our family home ready to sell.”
Adah struggled to compose her rising emotions. “We’ll miss seein’ you round here.”
“I’ll miss all of you, too, Adah.”
“Come visit anytime, all right?”
With a smile, Heather agreed. “Oh, and before you go, I should answer the question you asked yesterday.”
Adah held her breath.
“I was born twenty-four years ago in Kidron,” Heather said. “Kidron, Ohio.”
Kidron!
The town forever embroidered on her heart. Oh, goodness! She started to speak, but Heather had quickly excused herself and was already running over the lawn toward a car that was carefully navigating its way amidst the narrow maze of buggies parked on either side of the driveway.
Adah’s lungs ached for air. Heather Nelson, a fancy Englischer,
had
to be Lettie’s daughter! Oh, she was tempted to run after her, exclaim what she knew. But not yet.
I still don’t have enough proof, do I?
Her mind raced. She couldn’t let Heather leave now, not when Adah was this close to knowing for sure... and for certain.
She turned to look across the spacious lawn and saw Heather waving, motioning her over to the car and the man who was getting out. “Come meet my father,” Heather’s youthful voice rang out.
Adah glanced at the children still clustered at play on the blanket and made her way toward Heather and a tall man with deep-set eyes.
Heather seemed eager to introduce her. “Dad, this is my friend, Adah Esh... you remember Grace? Well, Adah’s her grandmother.” Heather’s blue eyes twinkled.
Eyes nearly as blue as Lettie’s...
Heather introduced her father to Adah, saying his name, “Roan Nelson.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Esh,” he said, smiling as he took in the scene. School-age children were scampering about and young people were mingling near the stable as the church members continued to pour out of the house. Amongst them was Grace, who called to Heather.
“Oh, just a sec. Excuse me, Dad... and Adah.” With that, Heather rushed off, leaving Adah standing there awkwardly with her father. The sky seemed to descend upon her. She looked down, not knowing what to do. And poor Mr. Nelson, he must’ve felt like a stalk of corn growing in a lettuce patch.
What if I’m wrong?
thought Adah.
I can’t announce my suspicions to this man without being certain. But
how
to be sure?
Suddenly it occurred to her what to say – a way to know beyond a shadow of doubt. She’d never forgotten the name of the doctor who had assisted Minnie Keim – who’d lined up the Kidron attorney, too. She’d literally memorized the letter Minnie had written, the one she’d recently given to Lettie.
“You may think this a strange question, Mr. Nelson, and, well, I s’pose it is,” she began, feeling peculiar speaking alone to an English man, of all people.
His cordial laugh helped set her at ease. He shrugged. “Anymore, my life is an open book. What would you like to know, Mrs. Esh?”
She briefly shared that her daughter had been searching for her first child. “A daughter given up for adoption twenty-four years ago. Oddly enough, the child shares the same birthday as Heather.”
His eyebrows rose. “Is that right?”
Adah paused for a moment, then blazed ahead, not caring now how nosy she might sound. “Do you, by any chance, recall the name of the doctor who arranged Heather’s adoption?” She wrung her hands.
He stared off into space for a moment, clearly pondering the question. “Not offhand... I’m sorry.”
Adah’s hopes were dashed. She didn’t want to reveal the doctor’s name – wanted it to come from Roan Nelson first. She turned to look back at the house, but Heather and Grace had gone up to the oak tree to sit with the children, and it looked as though even more little ones had gathered there to play hand-clapping games.
“Wait a minute,” Roan said. “I remember thinking the name had something to do with an ax... or a hatchet. For several years, that’s how I remembered it, actually.” He shook his head. “This must sound ludicrous to you.”
Her heart was in her throat. “No... no, that’s quite all right. What do you remember?”
“What sort of doctor has a hatchet in his name?” His laughter carried on the wind, and Jakob, who was coming out of the house with the help of his cane, gave her a narrowed-eyed look. “Hatch... Hack...” said Mr. Nelson, muttering to himself, though Adah’s hopes hung on each faltering syllable.
At last, Roan said it right out. “Hackman... I think the name was Dr. Hackman,” he said as Lettie stepped out of the house with Judah by her side.
“The good doctor sometimes went by the name Dr. Josh, as well,” she said softly, more to herself than to him.
“Do you know him, Mrs. Esh?”
She nodded her head, but she had to turn away as the confirmation she’d sought sank in. “Ach, so sorry, Mr. Nelson... will ya please excuse me?”
Making her way up the sloping lawn, hurrying as best she could – away from Jakob, who looked befuddled and alone over on the walkway – Adah made a beeline toward Heather.
“Adah, you’re crying,” Heather said as Adah approached her.
“Will ya come with me, my lamb?” she asked. The endearing name was the very one she and Jakob had always called young Lettie... so long ago.
Heather rose to meet her and touched her arm. “What is it? What’s happened?”
“Oh, my dear, dear girl, somethin’ ever so wonderful.” She brushed away her tears, wanting to see clearly Heather’s face. “You told me yesterday that you’d like to someday meet your birth mother. Are you still serious ’bout that?”
Heather’s face froze in astonishment. She looked over Adah’s head at the crowd gathering around the yard and spilling up along the lane that led to the corncrib and woodshed. “Adah, why? Do you know someone in Ohio searching for me?” Her lips quivered.
“No, not in Ohio.
Here.
Your first mother is here.”
Heather searched her face silently, tears welling up. “Does she know
I’m
here, too? Does she want to meet me?”
“Come along, child,” Adah said, walking with her toward the back of the barn. “I have a surprising tale to tell you... about the very first person who ever held you... twenty-four years ago on a lovely April afternoon, in Kidron, Ohio....”