The Tome of Bill (Book 7): The Wicked Dead (16 page)

“Sally?”

“No offense, but yeah.”

“I know. She kind of turned me on to this look when we were in Vegas. I guess I enjoyed it more than I wanted to admit at the time.”

“And when was this?” The only time I’d seen her with Sally in Las Vegas was for the few minutes when she’d teleported me there and then left. I mean, she’d been less pregnant than she was now, but not quite in the shape to pour herself into the outfit she currently inhabited.

“We really don’t have time for that. We’re here for a reason, remember?”

“Yeah, of course I do,” I said, not quite ready to focus yet. “What’s with the necklace?”

She lifted it and looked it over, a sad smile on her face. “I guess I’m also not quite as willing as I thought to give up on everything I’ve held dear in my life.” She idly caressed the white figurine hanging from the silver strand. For a moment, she looked like she was about to cry, but then her face hardened. “Let’s not worry about that for now. We’re here for Dr. Death. Let’s go find him.”

* * *

I hesitated for the barest of moments.

“He’s not here, is he?” she asked, trying to keep the horror out of her voice.

“Oh God, no!” I replied. “Believe me, I don’t like extra sausage on my sandwiches.”

“I really didn’t need to know that.”

“Sorry. Uh, yeah, let’s blow this pop stand.” I took a breath, trying to clear my mind, but once more turned to her. “If it’s all the same to you...”

“Don’t worry. This little, whatever it is, is just between us.”

“Not even Tom?”

“Not even Tom,” she reassured.

Good. The last thing I wanted was for him giving me shit about ... well, stuff he could probably figure out on his own. Even so, he didn’t need the visuals to go along with it.

I steadied myself again, silently promising my two lovely bedmates I’d visit them once I had a chance to catch up on my sleep without any third parties looking on. A small shiver of fear worked its way through me as I forced myself to think of the cage I’d been kept in. It wasn’t quite the dank prison I’d been stuck in during my tenure in Switzerland, but what was in it was far worse than a bunch of damp rocks and a door thick enough to withstand a bazooka blast.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Christy. Somehow, she’d moved to my side without my noticing. “It’ll be okay. I’m here with you.”

Smiling, I nodded, hoping she was right.

The dream gave way to nightmare as the scene before us shifted. Gone was the penthouse suite of my fantasies and in its place was the dull reality of the hallway on the top floor of my apartment building – the one right outside my door.

“This is a bad idea,” I muttered.

Unfortunately, Christy didn’t have any words of encouragement to offer other than, “Go on.”

These things always seemed so much easier when they were far enough off into the future so as to not seem real. But she was right. We couldn’t just stand here for all of eternity, or however long had passed since we entered my mind. Eventually, time would move on – the Draculas would find us, the world would burn to a cinder, I’d have to pee.

There was also the chance that Dave would eventually grow bored and tell the scientific method to go take a flying fuck.

Yep, there was no turning back.

I took another deep breath, reminding myself that I was a new Bill, one who was unafraid of his destiny. I put on my best tough guy sneer and raised my hand to give the door a manly knock.

No, fuck that. This was my apartment. I didn’t need to knock. Hell, I could beat the fucking door down with impunity. It’s not like some dream landlord would show up and dock me my security deposit.

Yeah, that was the ticket. I cocked back a fist and let it fly ... just as the door was opened from the inside.

My momentum carried me forward. I stumbled a step, then tripped over something – a foot – and ended up eating a mouthful of scuffed hardwood floor.

Oh crap. I’d been afraid of this. Well, there was no way I would let him get the drop on me without a fight! I salvaged my pride and rolled over in one fluid motion so as to at least see my attacker.

What I found instead was a hand offered to me from above.

Dr. Death stood looking down at me, his devilishly handsome features marred only by the black orbs that stared out at me from behind disturbingly familiar glasses.

“So sorry about that,” he said, grinning. “Please forgive my excitement. I get so little company these days. Can I offer you a cup of tea? I just put on a fresh pot.”

The fuck indeed?

Apparently, the dickhead was hoping to bamboozle me with some sort of mind fuck.

Well, this Freewill wasn’t born yesterday. I grabbed hold of his hand, then enjoyed the momentary look of surprise on his face when I yanked him forward, got a foot beneath his body, and catapulted him over me into our –
my
– living room.

One of these days, I really needed to thank Sally for her insistence on combat training back when we were at Pandora. Oh well, one didn’t need to offer thanks for something the other party didn’t even remember.

That thought quickly dissolved ... hmm, how could one think when one was already in one’s mind? Never mind that. I rolled to my feet and turned to face my alter-ego, who was already dusting himself off.

“So that’s the way it’s gonna be?” he asked with a grin, his fangs looking a lot sharper than they ever did in my mouth. “I figured I’d try to be nice, but deep down, I kind of hoped you’d do something like that.”

“Be careful what you wish for, asshole, because genies are motherfuckers when it comes to granting them.” I launched myself in his direction, clearing the distance between us in one leap.

I didn’t bother to wait for a rebuttal, throwing out a hard right that connected with his incredibly manly, yet intelligent-looking, jawline. Outside of my head, the blow would have been enough to turn a two-by-four into toothpicks. Here, though, my fist slowed just before impact, feeling like it was moving through molasses. What the hell?

“Ain’t that just the problem with dreams? All our inadequacies play out in the damnedest of ways.” He followed up with a backhanded bitch-slap that knocked me over our couch and onto the coffee table, smashing it in the process.

“Oh yeah?” I slurred, wondering if back in the real world my sleeping self was spitting out teeth. “Well, let’s see what inadequacies
you
have.”

He appeared right before me in the time it took for me to blink. A clawed hand shot out and grabbed me by the throat in an iron grip, lifting me from the floor. “That one is easy. I don’t have any.”

* * *

“Oh? I’d call pride a major failing,” a voice said from the doorway. Hmm, I’d been wondering how long Christy was going to stand there letting me get my clock cleaned. Maybe she’d been waiting for an invitation to come in.

“Aw, what’s this?” my alter ego asked as he continued to crush my windpipe. “You brought me a present, and it isn’t even my birthday.”

Had she been me, a witty retort would have certainly escaped her lips. Instead, she had to do things the boring way – taking swift and decisive action.

She murmured and, suddenly, my apartment was gone. It wasn’t even a quick fade. One moment, we were in my living room. The next, we were outside in the middle of the day. Judging from the buildings around us, we were in midtown Manhattan ... oh, and Dr. Death and I were standing smack dab in the middle of the street.

Three things happened nearly simultaneously. I raised my hands to shield my face from the unforgiving rays of the sun, Dr. Death cocked a bemused eyebrow in Christy’s direction, and then a taxi plowed into him from his blindside.

* * *

I flew free from his grip as the car slammed into my evil alternate self, sending him flying. The sound of screeching tires filled the air as I landed on the pavement, ending up on my back, staring into the bright blue sky.

Once again, I tried to protect myself as I let out a decisively unmanly screech. Well, this was gonna suck big time.

“Get up,” Christy called. “It’s not real.”

Or not. Oh yeah, that whole inside my head thing.

“I knew that,” I offered lamely, rising and dusting myself off. For a moment, the danger of the situation escaped me and I lifted my chin to the sky – enjoying the warmth of the imaginary sun. “Been awhile since I could do this and not burn to a crisp.”

“Can we focus here?” she admonished.

Even had she not been there to keep me from lying down and sunbathing right in the middle of 6th Avenue, the squeal of tearing metal would have almost certainly caught my attention.

Oh crud.

Dr. Death was busy extracting himself from the side of the bus he’d been pinned against by the runaway cab. I watched in horror as his nails sank knuckle deep into the hood of the vehicle. With a shove, he pushed it away. Hmm, I sure as shit couldn’t do that, at least not without a bite from a vampire of maybe James’s level.

“Did you really think that would stop me?” he asked with a malevolent grin.

Before I could voice the opinion that one could hope, Christy stepped up to spare me the embarrassment. “I can do this all day.”

“Don’t worry, bitch, you won’t live that long.”

He’d barely finished the sentence when our surroundings changed again.

Where there had been the familiar scarred façade of Manhattan, now lush greenery stood. We were in the middle of a dense forest, standing in a clearing maybe thirty feet in diameter. At first, I thought Christy had plucked Canada from my memories – not a place I really wanted to relive – but the vegetation looked different, unfamiliar to...

“What the fuck is this?” Dr. Death asked. “You become a fucking Eagle Scout while I was asleep?”

Well, I guess it was unfamiliar to both of us. That must have meant...

“Sorry, I thought we’d try one of
my
memories,” Christy said calmly, the black slinky dress gone and in its place a loose-fitting white robe. A breeze blew across the clearing, lifting the edges of it and revealing her bare feet and legs.

Whoa. I really didn’t want to have to explain to Tom if she decided to start dancing naked in the moonlight.

Dr. Death smiled, his fangs looking even longer in the deepening shadows of the trees around us. “What are you gonna do? Attack me with squirrels?”

“This is where I spent many a night meditating.”

“Oh, so you’re gonna bore me to death.” His legs tensed as he prepared to spring at her.

“And learning to become one with nature.”

Dr. Death leapt, but he didn’t get far. No sooner had his feet left the ground than roots shot from the dirt and entangled his feet, stopping him mid-flight. Within the space of a second, he had regained his footing, reaching down to tear himself free. What he didn’t notice was the way the surrounding trees all picked that moment to lean inward. Vines flew from their branches and wrapped around his arms, neck, and torso.

They pulled tight and my alter-ego found himself suspended in midair, his arms and legs splayed wide.

He struggled, but the vegetation proved stronger than it looked.

After a moment, I stepped forward. “And that is why you don’t burn down the trees around Isengard, motherfucker!” I turned to Christy. “Oh yeah! Mother Nature ain’t got nothing on you.”

I held up a hand for a high five. For a moment, she looked at me, one brow raised. Then she shrugged and slapped my palm. Woo!

Unfortunately, that was the end of her victory celebration. Her face turned serious once more. “Enough of that. We need to move quickly to...”

“Aw, c’mon,” Dr. Death said, spitting out a wad of vines he’d managed to chew through. “Aren’t you gonna say it?”

“Say what?” I asked.

“That this was almost too easy, of course,” he replied with an eye-roll.

Oh no.

“Because believe me, junior, it was.”

The vines around him withered and died almost instantly.

Christy made an upward gesture with her arms, as if willing more vegetation to rise from the ground, but nothing happened because we were no longer standing upon the ground.

I looked down to find the familiar floor of my apartment. When I looked back up again, the forest was gone and we were back where we’d started. Only this time, Dr. Death wasn’t offering any refreshments.

Quick as a flash, he crossed the living room and pinned Christy’s arms to her sides. He stood looking down upon her, seeming to be much taller than the five foot ten inches I commanded.

“Did you really think that would work, whore? We’re in my fucking mind. I am
God
here!”

“You did not just quote
The Lawnmower Man
, did you?” I asked.

“Huh?”

“Because that movie sucked ass. Didn’t have shit to do with the book.” I was stalling, trying desperately to think of something to do.

He was right, though. We were in his mind. He could do anything he wanted.

Wait a second.

He wasn’t the sole occupant. It so happened he had a roommate, however reluctant. And if that were the case, it meant...

I lifted my hand and pointed it at him. “Set phasers to maximum, Mr. Worf.” A bright orange beam of light shot out of the tips of my fingers and struck him dead on. It didn’t disintegrate him as I’d hoped – fucking Federation. I knew I should’ve imagined me some Klingon weapons! It did, however, throw him free of Christy.

Fuck yeah!

I was by her side in an instant, steadying her and making sure she was all right.

“Stand back,” I said. “This cocksucker is about to see what twenty-five years of pop culture is all about.”

* * *

Remembering all the lessons from the first
Matrix
movie, I forced myself to accept the unreality around me. It wasn’t as hard as you’d think, because it allowed me to reach down to my waist and grab the sword that had appeared there.

“Thundercats, hoooooo!” I shouted as I raised the gleaming blade, hearing the familiar roar ring out – deafeningly loud in the cramped apartment, but oh so cool.

Dr. Death wasn’t out of it yet, though. He dodged backward, making me miss with my first swing. Damn, how could he ... and that’s when I realized my living room was much larger than normal. He knew how to play this game too. That was fine by me.