The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (10 page)

Get tested for HIV and STDs regularly.

You’re at higher risk if you have unprotected anal sex with your partners.

Use condoms, dental dams, gloves, and lubricants for all anal activities.

Herpes and genital warts may appear not only on but around the genitals, and condoms and dental dams will protect only the area they cover, so partners should limit their activities accordingly during outbreaks.

Safe, slow , and gentle anal sex decreases the chances of trauma to anal/rectal tissue; keep in mind, however, that you may already have minute tears or sores in the rectal lining that you don’t know about.

If you and your partner are both HIV-positive, you should still practice safer sex to avoid being exposed to a different strain of the virus or transmitting opportunistic infections.

Before I slide down this particular pole, let me reveal a bias: I am a firm believer that lube makes
any
sexual activity much more pleasurable. The wetter and slipperier everything is, the better. But lubricant is not just desirable for anal penetration, it’s essential. Unlike the vagina, the anal canal and rectum are not self-lubricating . During anal exploration, you might find that the ass feels wet. What you’re feeling is a natural mucous secretion and maybe some sweat—but neither provides enough wetness to lubricate the ass for pleasurable penetration. And spit just won’t do the trick. If you’re using gloves, dams, or condoms, you absolutely need lube because unlubricated latex and latex alternatives are more likely to break without lube. Whether or not you’re using safer sex barriers, you want to reduce the friction to make penetration comfortable. Lube makes penetration smoother and easier for both partners, reducing the chance of discomfort or pain. The better penetration feels, the easier it is for both of you to relax and enjoy the experience. Lube also makes long anal play sessions possible. No matter how small or large the finger, cock, or toy,
you need lube
.

There are many different varieties of lubricants on the market, with the widest selections at sex toy shops and websites. Many of these places carry small sample sizes or a sampler pack, which is ideal; it’s best to experiment with different brands to see what’s right for you.

It’s no secret that some people look no further than their kitchen or bathroom to find a lube. People write to me all the time and tell me that they use common household items—like olive oil, baby oil, Crisco, Vaseline, or lotion—as lube. They weren’t made for bedroom activities so they definitely don’t work as well as the many lubricants on the market which are formulated, tested, and designed specifically for sex. There are lubricants sold that have similar properties, brands like Boy Butter, Elbow Grease, and ID Cream. These lubes are slick and greasy, often with a creamy consistency reminiscent of Crisco. They are great for male masturbation, and although they are marketed for anal sex (especially toward the gay male consumer), the problem with them is the same as with household products: they are oil based or vegetable based. This group of lubricants breaks down latex condoms, dams, and gloves, so you should use them with latex alternatives like vinyl or nitrile. They often stain sheets, clothing, and towels, and are generally hard to clean up. In addition to being incompatible with latex, oil- and vegetable-based lubes can wreak havoc on a woman’s pussy. Even when you’re headed for her ass, and you are being diligent about ass to pussy cross-contamination, sometimes a little lube finds its way into her front door. In this case, that lube cannot be rinsed out, is a perfect breeding ground for bacteria, and will most likely cause an infection of some kind. For all these reasons, I do not recommend oil or vegetable-based lubes for anal play .

With popular brand names like Anal Ease, Anal-Eze, and Tushy Tamer, “desensitizing” lubes promise to make anal sex easier and more comfortable. Don’t believe the hype! These lubes contain benzocaine (or a similar ingredient), a topical anesthetic that numbs your anus and rectum. It’s the same ingredient in “delay” or “prolong” creams to help men maintain
an erection longer. I absolutely do not recommend using these products or others like them, ever. Because they have the effect of numbing your anal area, you literally cannot feel your ass and you are in danger of hurting yourself. Plus, some people are allergic to benzocaine.

Anal sex should never, ever be painful. If it hurts, stop. Pain is your body’s way of telling you that whatever you’re doing isn’t working. You should always listen to your body. Using desensitizing lubes can lead people to go further than they normally would or take something bigger in their ass than they should. The result is a sore ass, possible tearing and damage to the delicate lining of the anal canal and rectum, and pain after the fact that isn’t exactly going to make you want to rush right out and try anal sex again. Plus, on the off chance that the anal penetration is pleasurable, you won’t be able to feel that either. A sticker on one of the bottles says it all:
Numbs your most sensitive parts.
Who wants that? They are a bad idea all the way around. Keep reading to learn about the many water-based and silicone lubricants that are great for anal penetration.

Water-based lubes are nonirritating, nonstaining, odorless, and easy to wash off toys and bodies. They either have no taste or a faint taste. Thin, liquidy lubes are very popular for vaginal penetration because they have a similar consistency to natural vaginal secretions. Popular brands include Aqua Lube, Astroglide, K-Y Liquid, Probe Silky Light, and Wet Light. While these slick lubes can be somewhat effective for anal penetration, and will definitely do the job in a pinch, thicker water-based lubes are much better.

Thick water-based lubes have the same properties and advantages as their thinner counterparts, the only difference is in their consistency; they tend to feel more like hair gel or jelly. Many people like to use these thicker lubes for anal play because they provide extensive lubrication and tend to dry up less quickly than watery varieties. If they do dry up, add a little water or saliva to revive their powers. Their texture also means that they will coat and protect the delicate, sensitive lining of the anal canal and rectum. All water-based lubes are compatible with latex and nonlatex barriers as well as all sex toy materials.

Many people reach right for that tube of K-Y Jelly since it’s one of the most recognizable and readily available brands. K-Y Jelly was designed
for medical exams, which last only a few minutes, not for all-night sexcapades.
¹
There are better thick lubricants out there with more staying power, including Astroglide Gel, Elbow Grease (Water-Based Formula), Embrace, ID Glide, K-Y Brand UltraGel, and Wet.

One unique lube which anal fans rave about is J-Lube. Originally designed as a veterinary obstetrics product for examining farm animals, vets use J-Lube to stick their hands up a cow to see if she’s pregnant. It comes in a powdered form, which you mix with water, so you can control the consistency. Mixed with water it feels more like slime than liquid (and indeed special-effects designers often use it for its slimy properties); it coats your hand, glove, or toy in a unique way that makes it great for anal penetration, especially play with large toys or anal fisting. There is also a premixed formula (called J-Gel or Bear Lube) which is harder to find. Clean up with a little salt, since trying to wash it off with water will only make more lube!

Many women find that their vaginas can be sensitive or allergic to the most popular ingredient in water-based lube, the one that helps it stay wet: glycerin. Anecdotally, there seem to be more reactions to lubes with glycerin with vaginal penetration than anal penetration. If you or your partner is sensitive or allergic to glycerin, you may want to try a lube with vegetable glycerin (which discourages yeast growth) like O’My or Probe Thick and Rich or a glycerin-free lube. Because glycerin-free lubes dry up quicker than lubes that contain glycerin, they may be less ideal for anal play. Popular brands like HydraSmooth, Liquid Silk, and Sensual Power may be too thin and liquidy to do the job, so try thicker brands like Maximus, Sensua Organics, or Slippery Stuff Gel. Flavored lubes are also safe for anal penetration.

The newest lubes on the market are the warming lubes, water-based lubes that create a warming sensation when you use them. Popular brands include Astroglide Warming Liquid, ID Sensation, K-Y Warming Liquid and K-Y Warming UltraGel, Wet Warming Lubricant, and Sliquid Sizzle (a glycerin-free warming lube). Thus far, reports have been mixed: some people describe the effect as too subtle to be anything worth raving about. Others find the feeling too intense, almost like mild burning, which doesn’t sound pleasant. Most warming lubes contain either honey or menthol to create the warming effect along with assorted chemical ingredients, all of which can irritate the sensitive tissue of both the front and back doors. While these are safe to use, keep in mind that everyone will react differently to the ingredients and to the effect. I recommend trying a sample to see if these lubes are right for you.

Most silicone lubes are slick and thin, which may not be ideal for anal penetration; some people really like the slick texture, while others feel
too much
friction, which can be uncomfortable. Eros makes two thicker versions—Eros Gel and Power Cream—that are ideal for silicone and anal fans. While silicone lube does not get absorbed into the genital tissue the way water-based lube does, some women find that it irritates their delicate parts. Silicone can be harder to clean up since it is not water soluble, and not all soaps will dissolve it (I recommend using warm water and a liquid soap). Perhaps the biggest drawback is that they are incompatible with silicone sex toys. Silicone lube bonds to a silicone toy and ruins it forever. So, if you’re a fan of both and want to use them together, make sure you cover all silicone toys with a condom first.

The rule of thumb when it comes to lube is “on, not in.” In other words, you should pour lube
onto
whatever is going to be doing the penetration—a finger, a toy, a penis—rather than directly
into
any orifice. When it comes to anal penetration, there’s no such thing as too much lube, and you should re-lube frequently. Keep a box of baby wipes nearby to control drips and for easy cleanup.

If you find that you have trouble getting the ass well-lubricated or you need extra lube for penetration with something of size, there are items on the market like the Lube Shooter and the Astroglide Shooter that solve this problem. The Lube Shooter is a disposable hard plastic syringe with a flared base that you fill with your desired lube (a process that can be a little messy). Insert the body of the syringe in the ass, push the plunger, and you’ve got lube right where you want it! Also disposable and easy to use, the Astroglide Shooter is a prefilled flexible rubber tube of lube with a long neck that can be inserted into the anal canal (after removing the tip, of course). Squeeze the tube, and lube goes into the ass. You can also fill up a plastic irrigation syringe (found at drugstores) or a stainless steel enema syringe (available at specialty stores) for the same purpose. (For more on these, see chapter 15 and the Resource Guide).