The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories (348 page)

"Hey, kiddos. Mom's going to take you to school today," I said, to which both kids grunted in disapproval.

"It's okay, sweetie. I want to take them," Dean said as he stood up, and the kids shouted with glee.

I mouthed
are you sure
so the kids wouldn't hear. He nodded back.

"Let's get you guys in the car, so you're not late," he said.

As the kids rushed around to gather their shoes and school things, Dean came up to me and embraced me in his arms. I sometimes resisted his affection because of our distance, but today I knew better. He needed me today, so I let him hold me as long as he needed. When he let go, I asked him, "Should we talk about it when you get back?"

"Sure," he responded as he planted a kiss on my head and walked to the garage door where the kids had just run through. "I'll be back in a bit."

When he returned, I was cleaning the kitchen as I had done monotonously every day when he was home. On days he wasn't, I normally skipped and just slept until it was time to pick up the kids from school. He came in and sat down on the couch. I stopped washing the dishes and joined him.

"You okay?"

He looked worn. The bags under his eyes were evidence of a rough few nights, and the red spider-like veins in his eyes gave away his pain.

"I lost a little girl the other night, and I can't get her out of my mind," he muttered as he hid his face in his hands.

"What happened? I mean, you've lost people and kids before, so why is this one so much harder on you?"

"Len, they're all hard on me," he recoiled defensively.

"I know. I didn't mean it like that. You just don't usually let it affect you like this. That's all I meant." He stayed silent for a few moments.

"I just don't talk about it."

Dean had never opened up like this to me. He had shared a few stories with me, but not to this degree. "Then tell me. Maybe it'll help."

"She was only two. When I got there, she was lethargic. Her mom said she had the flu. As I was checking her, I knew it had to be more than that. She looked ashen. I was watching this little girl die in front of me and all I could think about was Lexus. She looked so much like her. She fell into my arms practically lifeless. She looked at me and reached up to my cheek and touched it and then she was gone. I tried everything I could to save her, but she was gone and the mom was hysterical. She was hitting me and yelling at me to save her baby, but I couldn't. There was nothing I could do."

He sobbed hard as he recounted the nightmare. I was unsure of how to comfort him, but I tried. I rubbed his back and talked to him reassuringly. "You said you did everything you could, Dean. You can't blame yourself for her death."

"I know, but she reminded me so much of Lexus, and I just kept picturing our own daughter dying in my arms and then thinking how much time I've lost with them being at work so much. I love my job, but I love my family more."

He dropped his head into my lap and cried more. We had been struggling to make ends meet for so long that I had become accustomed to being on my own most days. I never really thought about how that affected him to be gone so much. He really did miss a lot. The day-to-day routine was lost on him. He was more like a guest in our home than a parental figure. I did most of the disciplining, and I kept the family running smoothly. When he came home, I would give him a list of things to do that I couldn't and then we would wash, rinse, and repeat the next time he was home.

We rarely did things together as a family, and we never went on date nights. Our personal connection had taken a back seat to the kids and the financial issues we faced, but now I could feel what that was doing to him and it broke my heart. We were under water in our house, and we had no way out. All we could do was bob our heads on the surface and gulp down breaths of air when possible. Any way you looked at it, we were drowning.

My quick shower had turned into an hour, and my attack finally dissipated by the time I dried off. I was exhausted emotionally and psychologically, but my mind was taking a rest from reality now, so I robotically brushed and dried my hair. I contemplated putting on makeup, but one look in the mirror told me there was no hope. My eyes were bloodshot and swollen and dark circles marked me like a tattoo on my soul. All I wanted to do was forget. Go back to before he re-entered my life. Now my stomach ached, and all I wanted to do was sleep. How was I going to get through the next few days with the kids? Dean knew how to handle my attacks. He was always so great at taking over and giving me space. So, if he was so understanding, how could I even think about leaving him? About breaking his heart? No, I wouldn't be breaking his heart; I would be destroying him. He always loved me so much more than I loved him. More than I deserved.

****

H
igh School Years

The most amazing night of my life came and went and left me feeling relieved and happy. I had been stressing about that moment for so long that now I felt like I could finally breathe. Dean was even more wonderful, and we rarely kept our hands off of each other. Unfortunately, things got complicated quickly. I had been avoiding Dean's calls for a few days. I wasn't sure how to deal with things, so I confided in Kylie instead.

We sat in a corner of her back yard where there was a little sitting area. Her yard was perfectly manicured and looked like it was straight out of a home and garden magazine. Where we were situated there was a bench overlooking a beautiful and luscious koi pond. I sat next to her, hugging my knees to my chest. I wasn't sure where to start, so I stared at the fish nibbling at the top of the water. They almost looked like they were blowing bubbles.

"So, what's going on, Lenny?"

She sounded worried. She knew me too well. "I think I had a miscarriage," I said softly.

"Wait, what? You were pregnant?" she asked shocked.

"I don't know. I think so."

"You're not making any sense. Either you were pregnant or you weren't."

"Fuck, Ky, I don't know. I've never been pregnant before."

"Okay, start from the beginning. What makes you think you had a miscarriage?"

"How detailed do you want me to be?" I asked.

"Good point. No TMI moments, okay?"

"I just had a weird period. I was spotting and then had gushing and then it was done. All in one day. It was just really strange."

"Were you late?"

"I have no idea. I'm so irregular. More than anything I just feel like I was, you know?"

"Okay, well, you dodged a bullet then, right?"

I stayed silent. Not that I wanted to be a teen pregnancy statistic, but the whole experience made me realize that this wasn't a game. Dean and I were playing with fire. This was real life, and I was only sixteen.

"Right, Lennox?" she interrupted my thoughts.

"Right," I said to brush off the moment. For the first time I doubted my relationship with Dean. I was scared and a little panicked.

"Are you okay?" She wrapped her arm around my shoulder.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. It was just a reality check."

"For sure. Maybe you should go on birth control."

"Maybe."

"Are you going to tell Dean?"

Without hesitation, I replied, "No, what would be the point? There's nothing to worry about now. It's gone."

"I guess you're right."

****

P
resent

That moment marked the first of many times that I doubted my love for Dean. I don't know why that made me question things, but it did. I spiraled into a weird depression. I didn't want to have a baby, but the thought of being pregnant and losing it was too much for a sixteen-year-old to grasp, especially a manic-depressive one. It brought me off of the high that love had me riding and slammed reality in my face.

I felt bad for Dean because I could tell he knew things changed, but never understood why. I wish I had told him about the miscarriage. Not telling him started erecting the walls between us. Something I would have stopped had I noticed it in time, but by the time I realized things were different, it was too late. I couldn't come back to where we once were no matter how badly I wanted to.

I checked my phone for the time. I noticed a missed call from Kylie. I scrolled through my messages to see if Dean had responded to my last text, but he hadn't. I called Kylie back.

"Hi," she said cautiously.

"Hi." I knew why she was calling. It was sweet, but I wasn't ready to talk about the weekend.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay." It was stupid lying to her because she could see right through me.

"Ummm, yeah, okay, so how are you really?"

I choked back the tears. "Not good."

"How bad, Lenny?"

The growing concern in her voice scared me. Did I sound that bad? Was she really that worried about me?
How bad was this?
Did she think I might not pull through?

"Len, how bad?" she demanded.

I tried to talk, but the lump in my throat released and a flood of tears overcame me. I cried loud and hard and just like a supportive friend, she waited until the moment passed.

"Oh God, Len. I'm so sorry. I wish I lived closer."

"Me too." We wallowed in the distance that now separated our friendship.

"Are you ready to talk about what happened?"

"I just need more time to process everything." I needed to talk to someone about it, but it was too soon. I wasn't even sure what happened and how I felt about it. Everything was just now starting to swirl around in me, driving me to the brink of insanity.

"Well, when you're ready you know I'm here. Judgment-free, honey. I have been there since the beginning so I understand."

"I know. Thanks, Kylie. I'll call you later."

"I love you, Lennox."

"I love you, too." I hung up quickly and checked my text messages again. Still no response from Dean. Not that my last text message of a heart warranted an immediate response, but he always responded to my messages. The station he was at was in the middle of a fairly poor area, so he was constantly running calls. I was surprised how well he actually functioned on practically no sleep.

I was still wrapped in a towel, so I grabbed a pair of clean sweats and threw them on. I picked up a few things off the floor as I made my way back downstairs to the tornado awaiting me. I still had a little time before I had to pick up the kids, but my lack of drive to do anything productive pushed me to the couch to sit down. I crawled into the corner of the chaise sectional, threw a blanket over me, and curled into a ball. I was so emotionally drained that I just gazed out the window and watched as the breeze moved the tree branches outside.

It was a mildly cool fall day, and the winds were starting to kick in for the season. These days reminded me of the passionate nights with Dean. There was something about the warm winds that brought out in me an inner desire to explode. I hadn't felt that for so many years that I had almost forgotten what it felt like, to feel the rush of tingles that spread across my skin with a simple graze of a finger down my arm. I had accepted the loss of those feelings and had moved on, until this weekend. I felt again. I remembered. And now I had to deal with the aftermath. Face the consequences of releasing something that I had willingly buried for the sake of my children. For me.

****

H
igh School Years

The first manic-depressive episode Dean witnessed was rough on both of us. I still hadn't told him about the miscarriage several weeks later, but my distance had continued. I knew he was getting worried and so was Kylie, but I was never good at sharing my pain with others. My way was solitude until I eventually dug my way out of it. It could last a few days or a few weeks, but I didn't see an end in sight this time. It had already been a few weeks, and I was barely getting out of bed aside from school. When I was awake, I would just listen to music and stare out the window, but mostly I slept. I ignored phone calls and only ate when my body absolutely required it. I had been losing a lot of weight because of it. I didn't want to feel like this, but I didn't know how to turn it around.

It was hard to describe depression. Everything felt hopeless and dark. You just felt hollow and lost. No desire, no drive, no energy. And the worst part about it was no one could help pull you out of it. It was there until your brain detoxed. At times, I wanted to die. To be free of the pain. To just give up. I felt that now. I felt alone and trapped in my insane little mind, only I wasn't alone. I had Dean and Kylie, but I didn't know how to reach out to them for help.

I had taken a walk to a little grassy area in my neighborhood and found a flat rock to sit on. I needed to get out of my room. It was Sunday, and I had spent the entire day before in bed. I thought the fresh air would help. It was a beautiful evening. Where I sat I had a perfect view of the sunset. Its beauty sucked me in.

"Hi," Dean said guardedly. "Can I sit with you?"

Without turning around, I responded, "Sure."

"Haven't heard from you in a few days," he said as he sat down. "Are we okay?"

"Yeah, sorry. I just have a lot on my mind right now."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I was holding back a breakdown, so I remained silent. I had never cried in front of Dean before, and I knew if I let myself now, it would be bad. I just shook my head and rested my chin on my knees.

"Did I do something wrong, Lennox?"

The hurt in his voice was too much. I didn't want to bring him down with me, but I had no control over my emotions. I buried my head in my knees and started crying uncontrollably.

"Lenny, what's going on?" he asked, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in tight against his body.

I couldn't talk. All I could do was cry. My heart ached. I wanted to tell him about the miscarriage, but the walls were already too thick, so I just let him hold me as I crumbled. He held me until he could sweep up the pieces left behind. He tried to put me back together like a temporarily broken puzzle, but too many pieces were missing.