To Mend a Broken Heart (18 page)

“I'm not sure I'm ready for tonight to be over. But I'm not ready for anything else either.”

“I wouldn't and don't expect you to be.”

“Will you..” I take a deep breath, “Will you stay the night with me?” I hear his sharp intake of breath then, I've shocked him.

“I don't mean.. I just.. Will you hold me? In my bed?”

I feel embarrassed, asking him to stay and hold me, asking him to sleep in the very bed I slept next to Richard in, made love to him in. But those sheets have been cold and empty for a long time. In fact, the sheets that grace my bed tonight are not sheets Richard ever slept on.

“Are you sure?” he whispers.

“Yes. I need to talk to you too. To help you understand where I am right now. I'm confused,

so you must be too.”

“I am so many things right now, Katie. Confused is one of them, yes.”

We arrive outside my house and he turns off the engine, turning slightly to look at me. It’s late, everyone in the street will be asleep. No one will see us walk in together. Why does that worry me? I’m worried people will react how Sean reacted, that they will judge me, that’s what worries me but I push it away.

“Then come in and let me explain.” I hold out my hand for him and he takes it. Bringing it up to his mouth and resting his warm lips to it.

We step out of the car and walk up the path to my front door. My heels click clacking on the path sound so much louder in the dead of night. I reach my front door and slip the key into the lock pushing it open and stepping over the threshold, Daniel right behind me. I remove my coat and hang it on the hook by the door and stand holding out my hands waiting for Daniel's. He removes his coat and hands it to me looking shyly up from under his eyelashes. I step forward until I am standing right in front of him. I reach for his hand and find it’s shaking.

“This doesn't need to be scary, Daniel.” I tell him.

“Then why is it?” he whispers, closing his eyes.

“Because the scariest things in life are often the most exhilarating, the things that scare us the most can also bring us the most joy if we let them.”

I turn and walk into the lounge, pulling Daniel behind me. I switch on the lamp beside the sofa and the room is basked in a golden glow. I take a seat and Daniel sits next to me, folding his long frame onto the sofa.

“Last week,” I begin, “You told me, you were in love with me.”

“I did. I am.” he replies, holding my hand a little tighter.

“I told you, I loved you as a friend. That I wasn't sure I could or would ever love anyone in a different way again.”

“Yes.” he breathes the word, so softly, but I feel his warm breath on my face.

“Tonight.. I know I don't feel… I feel so much more than friendship for you, Daniel. But I am
so
confused. Sean’s reaction tonight. He made me feel like I was
wrong
, how could I possibly feel
anything
for another man when I had lost Richard.”

“He’s the one who is wrong, Katie. So very,
very
wrong. No one expects you to live life alone and without love. No one, not even Richard would want that.”

“But there are people who will.” I whisper.

“And those people aren't worth your thoughts let alone your time. No one has the right to judge you, to tell you when the right time to move on is. You have to decide that on your own, if at all.”

“And what if I decide I'm ready
now?
That I'm in love with you, Daniel. That you've made my broken pieces come back together, what then?” I look up at his face and he is smiling. A soft, gentle smile. A smile that tells me, he loves me, that he wants to protect me.

“Then I'll tell you that I love
you
. That I was so broken before, my heart so shattered I wasn't sure it could be fixed. And that you..” he leans forward and takes my face in his big hands, “You put it and me back together. You helped mend me.”

When he leans forward and presses his lips to mine, so softly I could be imagining it, I let myself feel. I let myself feel things I never thought I would feel again. I feel love, I feel warmth, I feel arousal. I reach up and hold his face in my hands too, I hold on to him like he is my life support.
Because he is.

“So will you stay with me? Just to hold me and be close. I'm not ready for anything else.”

“And I don't want anything else.”

I stand and Daniel stands too. I slip off my shoes and Daniel does the same. Then I walk with him out of the lounge and into the hallway, when I reach the bottom step I stop and turn around to face him.

“No one has been upstairs since.. Not a male anyway. Not even Ryan. But I want you to know, that he doesn't live here anymore. He lives in here,” I hold my hand over my chest, “He will always live in here. But you live in here too. Are you okay with that?”

“How could I ever
not
be okay with that?”

We climb the stairs in silence, when we reach my bedroom door I push it open and step inside, walking over to the bed and switching on the lamp. The room comes into view and so does Daniel.

He looks a little lost. Unsure as to whether he should be here or not. As I look at him, I know he should be. I step forward and rest my hand on the lapel of his jacket, he looks down at me and smiles.

“This is my room,” I tell him, “This is where I sleep. Where my clothes are and where I read late at night. This is where I've phoned you at two am because I've had a nightmare, where you've phoned me for the very same reason. Tonight, this is where you sleep too.”

“I'm scared.” he admits and I can see that it's true.

“There is no need to be scared. Tonight, it's just sleep. Nothing to be scared of.”

“I'm not scared of tonight, I'm scared of tomorrow. I'm scared when the sun comes up and it's light outside, all of this will cease to exist and I'll lose you too.”

“The only thing that will come with the sunrise is more love for you, Daniel. I promise you that.”

I reach up and push his jacket off his shoulders, bending down, I pick it up and walk over to the wardrobe. I open the door and take out a hanger, before placing the jacket on it and then sliding it onto the rail in amongst my clothes. When I turn around, Daniel is standing exactly like he was before.

“I'm going to go and get ready for bed, I don't have anything for you to wear, I'm sorry, I didn't plan this.” he steps forward and rests his hands on my waist, his warm hands seem to fit there like I belong to him, like he is the artist and I am his sculpture, his hands fitting like they have created me.

“I have a t-shirt on under here and I am wearing pants,” he grins, “I'll manage.”

“I'll be right back.”

I fetch my pyjamas from under my pillow and head to the en-suite. I close the door behind me and look at myself in the mirror. My cheeks are a little flushed and my heart is beating faster than usual in my chest. I slip out of my dress and underwear and into my pyjamas. Simple shorts and a camisole. I brush my teeth and remove my make up. I look in the drawers and find the new toothbrush I have and place it on the vanity. When I think I'm ready I open the door and step out. Daniel is sitting on the stool by my dresser wearing just a t-shirt and boxer briefs. I have to remind myself to exhale.
He is gorgeous.
His long legs are muscular, strong and perfect a
nd he is sitting waiting for me.
He looks up and smiles, his eyes roaming over my body, I realise then, I have a lot of bare skin on show.

“I've left you a new toothbrush on the vanity,” I tell him, walking over to the bed and pulling back the duvet.

“Thank you. I'll be two minutes.”

He stands and I greedily watch him walk into the bathroom. His t-shirt pulls over his back as he walks and his boxer briefs are tight and leave little to the imagination. My stomach flips and heat pools in places I have long forgotten about. I climb into bed and pull the covers up, laying back against the mountain of pillows. I wait and I wait and Daniel doesn't come back out. There is no sound coming from the bathroom either. I swing my legs out of bed and pad over to the bathroom door and knock.

“Daniel? Are you okay?” the door opens and there he is. He holds out his arms and I step into them. Wrapping my arms around him as he does the same to me, “What’s wrong?” I mumble into his chest.

“I just needed to try and calm down a little.”

“Calm down?”

“You're wearing very little. You're the most beautiful, sexy woman in the world, and I am not ashamed to admit I've not been with anyone since Poppy's mother. I want you and I can't help that. But that isn't what tonight is about, that isn't what this whole thing is about. So I needed a minute.”  

I feel him then, I feel him stir against my body. I feel his erection against my stomach. It doesn't shock me, my reaction shocks me. I push a little harder against his body and move myself back and forth against him. It has been so long since I’ve felt a male this close to me, with very little between us. I’m glad my body remembers what it’s supposed to feel, how it’s supposed to react to having a gorgeous, sexy male pressed against it.

“
Katie
..” His voice is pained and I regret my actions immediately.

“I'm sorry. That isn't helping,” I pull back and look up at him, “I'm flattered.
More
than flattered actually. I want you that way too, but not tonight. Not when everything is still so new and muddled. Come to bed and hold me.”

I walk back into the bedroom and climb into bed. Daniel switches off the bathroom light and joins me, hesitating before he finally slips under the duvet. I slide closer to him and rest my head on his chest, wrapping my arm around his hard stomach and pressing the length of myself against him. He tenses for a second then wraps his arms around me too.

“These sheets are new. Egyptian cotton. I treated myself to the best white sheets I could find a few weeks ago.”

“They are very nice sheets,” he laughs.

“I love white bed linen, it is my favourite part of going away, they always have white linens on the beds. It's like sleeping in a cloud. Which coincidentally, is also why I have so many pillows.”

“You do have a lot of pillows, and I do feel like I'm in a cloud, so the overall effect is successful.” he presses a kiss to the top of my head and sighs.

“What's wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong, Katie. Everything is very, very right for the first time in a long time.”

Chapter Seventeen

I wake up the next morning having slept all the way through. For a second I forget Daniel is in the bed, then I feel him. Pressed against the curve of my bottom and back. I'm not sure he is awake yet, well not all of him anyway, one part of him is definitely awake. I lay perfectly still, soaking up his heat and relishing the feeling of having him wake up next to me. I have slept so soundly, it’s strange, usually when two people sleep together they toss and turn trying to adapt. I know we’ve shared a bed before but never like this, never under the same covers and never wearing so little. I lay there, waiting for the panic I’m sure is going to set in, but nothing comes. Deciding I want to see Daniel asleep in my bed, I turn around in his arms and rest my head on my pillow just inches from his.

Daniel looks beautiful in sleep, rested and soft. My eyes travel down his body and I cheekily pull the duvet up and peek under to get a look at all of him. I blush just sneaking a peek, his long legs are stretched out, his t-shirt has ridden up and a small strip of his golden stomach is visible. I drink him in, enjoying being able to look at him without feeling guilty, without questioning my feelings. When my eyes raise back to his face, his eyes are open and amused at my blatant appreciation of his body.  

“Good morning.”  I whisper shyly.  

“Good morning, Katie. This is...
Different
.”

“It is. I like it, I really like it.”

Daniel pulls me to him and cups my face with one hand, he searches my face for a hint of hesitation before his mouth rests on mine. I react without thinking, opening my mouth and slipping my tongue into his mouth. When my tongue brushes against his for the first time, Daniel groans low in the back of his throat and his hand comes to rest on my hip. My hands travel up his sides and come to rest on his shoulders. With each touch of Daniel's hands, each stroke of his tongue, I can feel myself getting hotter, my whole body feels like it’s on fire and the ache between my legs becomes more intense until I can't focus on anything else but where Daniel is touching me.

I surprise myself by pushing Daniel onto his back and climbing on top of him, straddling his hips. He looks up at me, his eyes equally hooded and surprised as I rub myself against his erection that lies nestled between my thighs, pressing against the point I'm sure all my blood is rushing to. My nipples pebble and I can't help but push my chest against his trying to get some relief.

“
Katie
…”

“I…I… Just…” Daniel moves his hands to my hips and shifts under me and I groan, the hard length of him pressing right where I need him, “Oh! Oh!” I pant in small little puffs.

I shamelessly grind myself on him, desperate now for that release I know I can find if I just… Keep... Going… I look down at Daniel and kiss him again, trying to tell him everything I feel, that this is okay, that I want this. His hands grow braver when I don't pull back, sliding up my sides and around the front to where my breasts feel heavy and needy for him. His hand moves and I feel his thumb brush over my nipples. It makes a new wave of arousal run through me, a sudden rush of wetness to pool between my thighs and I think Daniel feels it too, he twitches underneath me and grows harder still.

“Katie, what do you need?” his voice is thick with arousal. Even in my worked up state I know I’m not ready for anything else, I know this will have to be enough.

“This. You. Us.”

“Your skin is burning,” he leans up and I feel his mouth tracing one nipple through my thin cotton top, “Can I touch you?”

“Yes…” I need him to.

He closes his eyes for a fraction of a second as his hand slips inside my shorts and he makes contact with the very top of my sex. He looks at me again, eyes dark, checking it’s still okay to take this further. I don't look away, giving him no doubt this is what I want. When his finger finally slips inside me, it feels more incredible than anything I've ever felt before. I feel like I’m being touched for the very first time in my life, all the nerve endings across my body come alive and sparks of arousal and need are all centred at that one point, that one place where Daniel's finger is circling inside of me.

“You feel… I can’t…" he groans into my neck.

When his lips find that spot, just below my ear and I feel his tongue sneak out to taste the skin there, I'm overwhelmed and my climax takes me by complete surprise. I tense, my body wound so tight above him as he continues to move his finger, gently now, inside of me. I'm sweaty and panting and painfully aware of how much Daniel needs something right now too.

“Wow.” he breathes against my neck, “Just wow, Katie.”

“Daniel…” I don't know what else to say.

“You're so beautiful,” he tells me as he pulls back, “So unbelievably beautiful.”  

I suddenly feel shy as I feel him reluctantly slip his fingers out of me and bring them to rest on my hip. His eyes are dark and his breathing laboured, I can still feel him pressed against me.

“You’re… Can I…?”

“Katie. It's not about me, I want to be there for you. I'm okay.”

“You're reall—” He breaks off my sentence with a kiss, a kiss that tells me he loves what we just did and cannot wait for more, yet at the same time he will wait, for as long as I need to.

* * *

“Breakfast?” I ask Daniel, as we lay together in bed.

“I’m not going to say no,” he chuckles, “It’s incredible how not having sex makes you have an appetite.”

“It really is.” I grin as my stomach growls.

“I don’t have any of those amazing pastries of yours, I have bagels and cream cheese though, how does that sound?” I prop myself up on one elbow and look down at him.

“Perfect,” he brings his hand up and traces my jaw, “I’ve dreamed about waking up next to you like this for months. I never dreamed it would come true.”

“It’s real.” I smile, turning my face into his hand.

“I love you.” he says, his voice soft.

My breath catches in my throat, tears filling my eyes. We’d said it in a round about way last night but it feels different this time. In the light of day, with Daniel in my bed, after what we’ve shared only moments before, it’s different.

“I love you, too.” I whisper, looking straight into his eyes.

“We’ll work this all out. It’s overwhelming right now, but it will all be okay.” he pulls me to his chest and kisses the top of my head while his warm hands run up and down my back soothing me.

After a few minutes, my stomach growls again and we can’t ignore our hunger anymore, laughing, we both get up, neither of us bothering to get dressed. We head into the kitchen and Daniel takes charge of the coffee making while I toast us both bagels.

“Are you working today?” he asks, placing a coffee in front of me and sitting down next to me.

“Not today. Are you?”

“I have to sort things for New York. Did you talk to work? Or give it some more thought?” he asks me.

“I did, they are happy for me to take whatever time I need, I’m not taking on anything big right now and to be perfectly honest, I don’t want to rush getting back into it full time.”

“So is that a yes?”

“If you’d like me to go, then I’d love to go, yes!”

“Katie,” he reaches for my hand, “A few weeks ago I’d have liked you to come with me, now? I’d love nothing more than for you to come with me.”

The excitement that I’ll be going to New York suddenly explodes from me and I squeal and throw myself at Daniel like a child. I wrap my arms around him as he laughs and wraps his around me. When I pull back, with what feels like the biggest smile on my face, I see the same smile on his face. I lean forward and press my lips to his, he groans and I feel him stir against me. He slips his tongue into my mouth; he tastes of coffee and his unique Daniel taste, he tastes incredible. We lose ourselves in each other, the feeling is new and exciting and I find myself almost drugged by Daniel’s closeness. When we do eventually pull back, we're both panting and Daniel is pressing into my stomach. The poor guy, this is the second time this morning.  

“Daniel, we need to stop.” I pull back but his hands stay around my waist.

“Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to feel you like this?” he pulls me into him a little more, his mouth resting by my ear, “Don't stop on my account, this... It's excruciatingly
good, Katie.”

“How can it possibly be?” I raise my eyebrows at him.

“I have you in my arms, you love me, everything is perfect for the first time since…”

I cut his words off with a kiss and I can't help but press myself closer to him, making sure every inch of my skin that can be is touching Daniel and he seems to need the same. Breakfast is left to go cold while we soak each other up like sponges that have been left to dry out in the sun. It’s about much, much more than the physical touch, this is healing.

“Your stomach sounds like it's about to attack me, Katie.” Daniel laughs into my mouth a few minutes later.

“Let's eat breakfast, or we'll be stuck together like this all day.” Daniel tightens his grip on me and grins, his blue eyes happy and sparkling.

“That isn't going to make me let you go, you know.”

“I'll just eat in your arms then?”

Daniel smiles, then with one hand, reaches out and grabs half of one of the bagels, holding it up to my mouth, I take a bite, then he does. It's sickeningly sweet and adorable and I treasure every mouthful he feeds me. With breakfast finished, Daniel heads up to the bathroom to shower while I use the en-suite. The whole time I'm showering, I can’t get the thoughts of Daniel, naked and wet out of my head. He is showering only a few feet away from me and I struggle to remember why we are showering separately.
Because you don't want to rush things.
Even if my hormones are telling me what I really want to do is go into the other bathroom, climb into the shower and wrap myself around Daniel.

I finish my shower and  get dressed, when I walk past the bathroom, Daniel is standing in front of the mirror shaving, his little toiletries bad sitting on the counter. It takes me by surprise and I find myself leaning against the door frame and watching him. He stretches his face as he moves the blade over the stubble there. His movements are smooth and concentrated and as I watch him I realise how much I miss the little things like watching Richard shave. He catches my eyes in the mirror and turns his head to smile at me.

“Are you coming in?” he asks, rinsing his razor in the sink.

“Sure.” I smile and walk in, taking a seat on the side of the bath.  

“Did you have a nice shower?” Daniel asks, continuing to remove the stubble from his gorgeous face.

“Errrr, yeah?” I don't mean it to sound like a question but it does.

“You're not sure?” He smiles.

“No I did.”
I just pictured you in here the whole time and worked myself up into a state about it.  

“
Okay…”

I sit happily watching Daniel shave in my bathroom. When he rinses his face and dries the water off using one of my towels I can't help but grin. I love the scent of shaving foam and now my towel will smell of it. He rinses the razor in the sink then places it in the little pot that is for exactly that purpose and turns to face me. It’s a little thing, him leaving his razor here, but right now it seems like a really big thing for both of us. Needing to be closer to him, I take full advantage of us being more intimate with each other and step into him, leaning up on my tiptoes to inhale his freshly shaven jaw.

“You smell...
Incredible
.” I groan, unable to stop myself.  

It’s almost like all the feelings I have for Daniel that I refused to acknowledge are now running free. My body is more aware of Daniel than it ever has been. I can feel every line of him as he presses back against me, I can feel the warmth I’ve come to expect from him on levels I never have before. He drops his head to my neck and inhales deeply, his breath makes me shiver and he groans too.

“So do you.”

“We need to.. Do...
Something
.” I tell him, stepping back.

“We do?”

“Yes. We need to work this out and we need to put a little distance in between us, or I'm going to end up... We just need to work it all out.”

“What will you end up doing, Katie?” he asks, clearly amused.

“I am not going to tell you.”

“Do I have to kiss it out of you?” he murmurs, dropping his head again to capture my lips.

“Keep doing that and you wont need to,” I whisper into his mouth, “I’ll just…
Oh!
”

Daniel picks me up and puts me back down on the cabinet where I keep the towels and bottles of shower gel. He steps between my legs and with one hand, travels the length of my body, only stopping when he reaches my neck. He wraps his hand around it, gently pulling me towards his lips and into him.

“I think you’re right,” he pants against my mouth, “We need to do something.. Before I take this too far, too soon.”

“I want you, Daniel. Just not yet. Please don't think I don’t want you.”

“I don’t have any doubts you want me, Katie,” he smiles, pulling back to trace my face with his fingers, “Let’s go plan for New York shall we?”