To Mend a Broken Heart (20 page)

I remember his words;
“She was my whole world, the light and the warmth and when she died, she took both of them with her.”

“And my heart started beating again. You need time, this is all overwhelming. But I will not walk away. I will do anything to have you with me. Be safe, you know where I am, you can phone, you can come over, I'll come here if you want. But I
will
be waiting when you're ready,
I will be here.”

I look up into his face and see everything he just said reflected back at me.
I was the most awful person in the world.

“
I love you.” he whispers right before he turns to leave.

“Daniel?” I call, he comes back and waits, “I love you too. I’m sorry,
I’m so very sorry.”

“I’ll wait until you’re ready. I’ll wait forever if I have to
.
”

* * *

I'm sitting in the same place an hour later. My legs feel so heavy I can’t stand and my heart feels heavier still. After I heard Daniel walk down the stairs and put his shoes on, he hesitated at the front door. I could picture him, standing there, head to the side and slightly raised in the direction of where I was. He would have waited, he would have hoped I would change my mind and call him back.
But I didn’t.
So he left. I heard the front door close followed by the roar of his car a few minutes later. Then he was gone and I was alone again and it doesn’t help like I thought it would. Being alone only makes the night flash through my mind.

  How his lips feel on mine, how his hands seemed made just for my body. Every touch igniting the fire that has been burning for a week now, ever since he stayed that first night. I remember how he tastes, how he feels under my fingertips, how he feels perfect when he’s moving inside of me. We fit perfectly together, like we are made for each other. He is right, it
is
beautiful and I’m wrong, it isn’t a
mistake
at all. It was my rebirth. It was me, giving myself to him like I’ve only ever given myself to Richard. It was precious and special and I’ve ruined it. I hold on to the bed frame and pull myself up. Sitting on the bed I reach for his pillow and hold it to my face and inhale. His scent surrounds me, comforts me like nothing else, everything that is good in my life right now comes from Daniel, because of Daniel. The fact I’m alive and living is thanks to him. I lose track of time again but when I look at the clock it's gone three and I know, I have to see him.

  I rush over to the wardrobe, throwing on the first things my hands touch before going into the bathroom and pulling my hair back. I run downstairs and pick up my car keys and phone and leave the house. The drive over is agonising, I regret how I acted, causing the heartbreaking look on Daniel's face. I will make this right again. When I arrive outside his house there are lights on, so I know he’s awake, I know he can't sleep either. I step out into the cold night and walk to his front door. He has one of those big brass knockers on his front door, the kind that in the dead of night you can hear miles away. I don’t want to wake anyone so I pull out my phone and send him a text.

Me:
I’m outside. X

  It's so quiet I can hear the beep of his phone from outside, he must be in the lounge. Ten seconds later I see him through the frosted part of the glass. When he opens the door, I don't wait to be asked in, I throw myself into his arms, pull his face down to mine and kiss him. I kiss him to try and explain what happened and I kiss him to show him that I love him as much as he loves me and that I'm sorry. When we eventually pull apart, his face is wet and his eyes are red and dark.

“I am so sorry, Daniel.”

“You don't have to be sorry. You were right, I don't understand how you feel. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose you. But I feel like I came pretty close to it tonight, at least in my mind I did. Did I Katie? Did I almost lose you tonight?” he whispers.

“No, no. You never lost me. I promise you. I've spent the whole night reliving tonight, remembering. And it was all good. Everything I remember.”

  He pulls me to him again and picks me up. Walking us into the lounge and sitting on the sofa. I sit there, wrapped up in Daniel. I can feel his heart beating through his clothes and then I see them.

“Oh, Daniel.”

  Sitting around the floor are Poppy’s things. The things he kept, a white dress covered in deep red poppies that he told me she wore on her sixth birthday, right before she got poorly. Her favourite teddy, a brown old fashioned looking bear with a red bow around its neck. Her first little pair of booties and a baby grow. Both so tiny I can't believe anyone was ever so small as to fit inside them.

“I needed to be close to one of you. And neither of you were here.”

“I should have been.”

“You should
always
be here, Katie. But only if that’s what you want,” he sighs and pulls me tighter, “I want you with me all the time, but I won't make you stay. If life has taught me anything it's that it doesn't matter how much we want something, how much we want someone to stay, it's out of our control. You can only do so much, our fate does not lie in our hands, we can merely make choices and decisions but ultimately we don't get to choose. I know this because neither of us would have chosen this path for each other. If we had a choice, my little girl would be here and so would Richard.”

“But they aren't. And my choice is
you
, Daniel.
My choice is you.
” I sit up and look at him.

“And my choice is you and will
always
be
you
.”

“I just got.. Overwhelmed, with every thing tonight. I've only ever been with two men my whole life Daniel and one of them is you. You know who the other is. So when we were together like that, I didn’t know how to deal with it. I’ve known for a long time I have feelings for you, more than feelings, that I love you. But tonight, tonight I realised I couldn’t be with you and remain where I am now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have to move on, Daniel. I have accept that my life
isn’t
Richard anymore. That Richard isn’t here and he is
not
coming back. That
you
are my
now
,
you
are my
future
.”

He closes his eyes and takes a shuddery breath, like my words are effecting him deeply, as deeply as his words effect me. He sits very still for a long time, his eyes closed. I just watch him, his face so calm and beautiful. So strong and brave. He is everything I will ever need or want. With Daniel by my side, I know I can face anything. I know I can be strong and have the courage to keep on living.

“Tonight has been both, one of the best nights of my life and one of my worst,” he opens his eyes and looks at me, “I got a taste of what life could be like with you tonight, Katie. And then I had it taken away. I came back here and the house was empty, lonely, like it was before I met you. I came home and sat on the sofa and looked at Poppy’s handprints,”

We both look over to the fireplace then, we both focus our attention on the most beautiful wall art either of us have ever seen.

“I knew then, if you didn’t want to be with me, I would spend the rest of my life alone. There has only ever been one other person in my life I have loved as fiercely and completely as I love Poppy,” he brings his hands up to my face and holds me, he brings our eyes level and opens his mouth to speak, “That is you.”

I don’t know what to say. There are no words that can come close to what Daniel has just told me. None at all. So I lean forward and press our lips together. I cling to him like he clings to me. When he stands and carries me to his bedroom, a room I’ve been in so many times but never like this, my heart begins to race. He lays me down on the bed and switches on the bedside light.

“Katie, I just want to sleep. I want to go to sleep with you in my bed and wake up with you there too.”

“It sounds like heaven to me.” I smile.

“I’m so glad you agree.” he smiles back.

I stand and walk over to him, stopping when I’m right in front of him. I reach a hand out bringing it to rest in the very centre of his chest. I lean forward and onto my tiptoes and press a kiss to his jaw. I love his jaw, so strong and covered in a little stubble from the day. My mind races with thoughts of how it feels on my neck and breasts then hovers over a thought of what it would feel like between my thighs.

“You’re shaking.” he whispers, putting his hand over mine.

“I suddenly feel nervous.”

“There is no need to be scared. Tonight, it's just sleep. Nothing to be scared of.” his slow smile spreads across his face and I remember the words. The very words I said to him the night after what was our first date.

“Undress me, Daniel.”

“Are you sure?” he asks as he takes a tentative step forward.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything. I want to be with you. Tonight our life together begins. We aren’t just friends anymore, Daniel. We are lovers too, tonight we are just Daniel and Katie.”

His hands slide down the length of my spine and pull up the t-shirt I threw on before I left. Pulling it up and over my head so I’m standing topless in front of him. I reach for the hem of his t-shirt and pull it up too. Stopping when my arms can’t stretch any more.

“You’re going to have to help me, you Blonde Giant!” I laugh.

“Shall I go down on my knees?” he chuckles, pulling it the rest of the way over his head.

“No. Just stand there while I remove these.” I reach for his jeans and pull him to me.

I pop open the top button and look up at him. His eyes are a little darker and hooded now, his breath coming out a little harsher than it was a few seconds before. He nods his head and I continue with the rest of the buttons. Each one revealing more of him to my hungry eyes. When I’m finished, I push them off his hips and he steps out of them. Standing before me naked except for a pair of dark grey boxer briefs, he really is the most exquisite man alive. The planes of his stomach are defined and gorgeous. He has a little hair and it only makes him more perfect to me. I cannot believe this man loves me.
How can someone so incredibly gorgeous want to be with me?

“You’re staring, Katie.” his voice snaps me out of my blatant ogling.

“I’m sorry, I just… I can’t believe you’re mine.”

He steps forward then and takes me in his arms, pressing his warm, soft skin against mine. Firm to soft. Man to woman. Is there anything better than the feel of naked, warm, skin on skin? His big hands rest on my bare skin, his thumbs making circles on my lower back.

“I think you have that all wrong, beautiful.” he breathes, “I can’t believe you’re mine.”

“I’m still wearing my jeans.”

“That you are.”

“Well, would you like to remove them, or shall I?”

“Allow me.”

He drops to his knees in front of me and pulls me closer, pressing a gentle kiss to my stomach just above the waistband. When his fingers push them off my hips and leave me standing naked in front of him, a noise, somewhere between a growl and a groan escapes his lips and his head snaps up to mine.

“You’re naked.”

“That’s the point isn’t it?” I frown at him.

“No… I mean, you’re not wearing any underwear.”

“I didn’t have time for that, you’re lucky I even put on clothes to come here. I needed to see you so badly Daniel, I could barely breathe.”

“I said I wanted to sleep…”

“Make love to me. I want you to make love to me and I want it to end how it should have earlier.”

I take a step back and climb onto the abnormally high sleigh bed that graces the centre of the room. I pull back the covers and slip underneath them, holding my hand out for Daniel. He removes the last piece of clothing he still has on then crawls onto the bed with me. He pulls me to him and when our naked bodies touch once again, a shiver runs down my spine and I feel hot all over. He holds himself over me and shifts so he rests between my legs, his erection lined up against the length of my core. It feels incredible and I feel a wave of arousal wash over me.

“Katie, can I taste you?”

His words make me shiver. I meet his eyes and smile, nodding
yes.
He keeps his eyes on me as he crawls down my body, kissing his way to my core. When he dips his head and I feel his tongue touch my oversensitive flesh for the first time, I call out and grip the sheets in my hands. The groan of approval from Daniel turns me on and has me groaning too. I feel myself getting closer, that delicious tension coiling in my lower stomach. As much as I want this, I want to feel Daniel inside me more. I open my eyes to try and think clearly for a second.

“Daniel?”

“Katie? Am I not? It’s been a long time, show me?” he looks up at me, his unsure eyes meeting mine. I smile, reaching out to touch his face.

“No, it feels incredible, but I want to feel you inside of me, I need to feel you inside of me.”

“Oh.” he smiles shyly and comes to hold himself over me once again.

“I’m ready…” I whisper, pulling him to me. He positions himself at my core and slides in, so slowly we both groan. He feels so perfect.