To Mend a Broken Heart (19 page)

“Yes. And have a coffee… It might you know, clear our heads.” I laugh nervously.

“Well, it’s worth a try.” he grins, pressing one last sweet kiss to my lips before he helps me off the unit.

* * *

We spend the day planning our trip, we have lunch together and when it gets dark, Daniel kisses me goodnight and goes home. When I’m laying in bed hours later desperately trying to get to sleep, I turn my head and inhale the pillow he slept on last night. I’m surrounded by Daniel’s scent but not his warmth and I suddenly feel sad. I pick up my phone and bring a message screen up and type him a message in the hopes he is still awake.

Me:
Your scent has taken up residence on my pillows and sheets ;)
Not your warmth though, it’s cold tonight. x

Daniel:
It’s cold here too. But my sheets don’t smell of you :( you’re still better off than me. Unless of course I smell bad? ;)

Me:
You smell heavenly. Of sunshine and happiness. Of love and protection. Whose idea was it for you to go home? :(

Daniel:
Yours actually. But it was right. Tomorrow after work, why don’t you come over? I’ll cook. You can stay here? In my bed? x

Me:
Will I be warm?

Daniel:
Yes :) I’ll make sure of it.

Me:
Can I sleep with my head resting on your chest?

Daniel:
I hope so.

Me:
Will you make me a coffee and pastries in the morning?

Daniel:
Absolutely ;)

Me:
I’ll be there ;) I’m going to sleep now. X

Daniel:
Sleep well Katie. I love you x

Me:
I love you too x

* * *

Sleeping in Daniel’s bed is just as incredible as sleeping in mine. Maybe even a little better as I’m completely surrounded by his scent, his warmth and him. I can’t remember when I’ve slept so well. We make plans to do a little pre New York shopping at the weekend and agree to stay at mine on the Saturday night. I wake up alone and in my own bed on Thursday and I feel sad the minute my eyes open and it takes me a few minutes to realise why. Today, Daniel is having Poppy’s furniture removed. I’ve taken the day off work and the hospital in order to be there with him when they come. I shower and have breakfast before I head over to Daniel’s. He opens the door and my heart sinks, gone is the carefree smile I’ve been graced with the last few days, the sad eyes are back and it breaks my heart to see them return. I step into the hallway and wrap my arms around his waist. He just holds me to him and kisses the top of my head.

“I’m here.” I whisper against his chest.

“I love you.” he whispers back.

“And I love you.”

We’re in the middle of having coffee when there is a knock at the door. Knowing who it is, I get up and go to let them in. I show them to Poppy’s room while Daniel stays downstairs, unable to watch Poppy’s things being removed. When the removal men have left, I go in search of Daniel, I don’t have to look far, I know exactly where he will be. When I walk into his reading room, I find him stretched out on one of the benches with
Cinderella
in his hands.

“Are they gone?” he asks, sensing I’m there.

“Yes,” I tell him, kneeling by him on the floor, “I’m so sorry. What can I do? Please let me do something?”

He looks at me with tear filled eyes and holds out his arms. I take
Cinderella
and place her back on the shelf and climb into Daniel’s arms. I can’t say anything to make this better no matter how much I hope I could. So I lay with Daniel, I hold him and I try to comfort him as much as I can. Life is cruelest to those who deserve it the least, I’m sure of it.

Chapter Eighteen

“I’m making dinner for us tonight,” I tell Ginny, “How do I make the sauce again?”

I listen intently while Ginny tells me the steps to go through in order to make the perfect pasta sauce and when I think I’ve got it, I set about prepping the bruschetta. When that is ready, I make the lemon posset and bake the little shortbread biscuits. The wine is chilling and the table is laid, candles ready to be lit. Tonight is special, tonight I’m cooking for Daniel for the first time since things stepped up a gear… or three. I seem to have gone from friends to being hopelessly in love with him in a matter of days. When I think about it really, I know I’ve loved him for a while, it just took time to admit it to myself.

I head upstairs to get showered and change the sheets on my bed. I decide on a black dress, pulling my hair up and into a loose bun. I spritz on a little perfume just as the doorbell rings out. Daniel is here, the grin I can’t contain fills my face as I pull open the door and welcome him in. He is dressed casually in jeans and a deep blue shirt, the colour making eyes impossibly blue.

“Something smells nice.” he smiles, wrapping one big hand around my waist and pressing his lips to mine.

“I’ve not cooked anything yet.” I chuckle.

“I mean you.” he laughs, as I wrap my arms around his neck.

“Oh! How was your afternoon?”

I head into the kitchen and grab two wine glasses out of the cupboard and pour us both a glass then sit down at the breakfast bar with him and listen to how his afternoon has been. He’s spent it getting a few things ready for our up and coming visit to New York.

“So everything is pretty much ready now, the reservation is changed from two rooms to one.” he looks over at me shyly and smiles.

“And there weren’t any problems changing the flight for a day later?”

“None at all,” he smiles, taking my hand, “I cannot wait to take you there, Katie. You’re going to fall in love with the city.”

“I can’t wait to experience it with you, Daniel,” I squeeze his hand, “Shall I get dinner on? Are you hungry?”

His eyes darken a little at my words, he smiles and nods his head. Feeling a little flushed, I stand and walk over to the iPod I have in the kitchen, I scroll through till I find something I want to listen to. As
Damien Rice
fills the room, I set about making our starters. When we’re ready, we sit together at the table and enjoy our dinner. Talk turns to what I’d like to do while we’re in New York.

“I’d really love to go to Central Park and I absolutely have to have a hot dog!” I tell him excitedly.

“Absolutely, you can’t go to New York and not do those things.”

“I’d like to see the Empire State Building too.”

“Again, of course. I will have a few days working while we’re there, but I can work around whatever you’d like to do really.”

“I am so unbelievably excited, Daniel. I just can’t believe I’m going to be there in a weeks time!”

“What did Ginny think?” he asks taking a sip of his wine, the same glass we poured when he arrived.

“She is so excited for us, about…
everything
.”

“You told her?” he reaches over, brushing his hand over my cheek.

“I tell her everything…I mean…was that…
Okay?
”

“Of course it is,” he smiles, “Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?”

His eyes roam over my face then down, over my body and back up. His appreciation of my body causes my skin to heat and blood to flow faster through my veins. My heart rate picks up and I feel an urgent need to be closer to him. As a new song starts up, I hold out my hand for him and stand.

“Will you dance with me?” I whisper.

He takes my hand and moves us away from the table. Resting his hands on my hips, I rest my cheek against his chest and we begin to move to the gentle song playing around us. The melody acting like a cocoon, warm and protective. As the song progresses, so does my need to be closer to Daniel. I can feel his body reacting to our closeness too. I pull back, angling my head to see him and welcome him with my eyes. When our mouths touch and his tongue slips past my lips, my body melts. I feel like, right now, my only purpose in life is to be with Daniel, to feel him, to be close to him and I suddenly feel overwhelmed with the need to be closer to him.

“Come upstairs with me, Daniel.” I whisper, holding out my hand for him.

He leans down and kisses me again then takes my hand. I lead him up the stairs and to my bedroom, pushing open the door and stepping in. Daniel has been in my room to sleep before, but this time, it isn’t sleeping that’s on my mind. I put on the lamp and turn to face him, he looks at me and smiles.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve done this.” I tell him.

“It’s been even longer for me,” he steps forward and reaches for my chin, pulling it up to meet his eyes, “I love you, Katie. I want you, more than I’ve ever wanted anyone.”

I keep my eyes on him, not looking away or giving him any reason to doubt that I want this too. I reach for the buckle on his belt and his breath hitches, his hands resting by his side trembling. As I pull the leather out from the buckle and through the loops on his jeans his hand comes up to cup the side of my face, he pulls my gaze back to his and smiles.

“You’ve barely touched me and my whole body is alive,” he tells me, “I’ve been alive and truly living since you came into my life, Katie.”

“You’ve changed my whole world, you know that, don’t you?” I murmur against his thumb that is tracing my bottom lip.

“Yes, because you’ve changed mine too.”

I throw his belt onto the floor and trail my hands up his chest, slowly unbuttoning his shirt, each button slowly revealing inch by perfect inch of his chest to my hungry eyes. I push his shirt off his shoulders and drink him in, he is perfect. Defined lines and muscle, yet still soft, his broad shoulders are still a little golden and there is a small line of hair trailing from his tummy button down, disappearing into the waistband of his jeans. I trail my hands over his shoulders and lower, his stomach muscles bunching and tensing under my touch. When I eventually tear my eyes away from his body, I meet his dark, hooded eyes. My touch and gaze seeming to effect him more than I realise.

“Can I?” he asks, gesturing between us.

“Yes..” I whisper, closing my eyes as I feel his lips on my collar bone.

“If this isn’t okay, if you want to stop, just tell me, Katie. I don’t want to rush anything about us.” he whispers against my skin, the heat of his breath making me shiver.

“I want this,” I tell him, “I want you.”

His hands come around me and find the top of my zipper. Almost painfully slowly, he pulls and the fabric of my dress becomes loose and I step away from him just enough to step out of my dress. I’m wearing a simple black bra and knickers, but by the look in Daniel’s eyes, you would think I’m wearing the finest lingerie in the world. His eyes drink me in, taking in every inch, every curve of my body.

“You are perfect.” he tells me, gathering me to him.

“So are you, you’re so warm.” I groan as our naked skin touches.

I don’t wait for him to make the next move, I reach behind me and unclasp my bra, sliding it down my arms and to the floor. He doesn’t take his eyes off me as I reach towards him and unbutton his jeans. Pushing them off his hips leaving us standing in front of each other almost naked. Our curious eyes brush over each other, taking in each others bodies fully for the first time. If I have any doubt Daniel wants me, they all vanish when I reach the waistband of his boxer briefs. He is straining and ready for me. A wave of arousal rips through my body, delighted and ready for him too, I reach for him, smoothing my hand up and down the length of him.

“Katie.” he groans, dropping his head to my bare shoulder.

“Daniel…” I pant against him.

His head comes up and he lifts me, carrying me the short distance to my bed. He lays me down before stepping back and removing the last item of clothing, showing me all of himself. He is perfect, every single inch of him is perfect. When he crawls over me, pressing his hot body to mine, I writhe under him. His mouth finds my nipple and he lavishes it with his mouth, warm and firm and delicious. My body awakens, more than it was and I begin to feel things I haven’t felt in so long. My need to have us joined, in the most intimate and powerful way grows as Daniel’s mouth teases and caresses me.

“Daniel?” I pant as his lips trail over my stomach.

“Yes, Katie?” his eyes meet mine.

“Please…Make love to me.”

“I want to more than anything, but I…”

I know what he is trying to say without him needing to say it. This means a lot to him too, there had been no one since Poppy’s mother, this is new for him too. Silently asking him to take us both where we need to be, he looks at me and with a small nod of his head, kisses my stomach and pulls my knickers down my legs before settling between my thighs and pressing his lips to mine.

“I need you.” I mumble against his lips.

“I need you too…But I don’t have an—” I press my finger to his lips and shake my head.

“You don’t need one. I’ve not been with anyone since… and I know you haven’t. And you see this?” I point to the lump just visible on my arm, “This will stop anything happening.”

“Okay..” he breathes, closing his eyes, almost like he needs a moment.

“I love you, it’s okay.” I tell him, cradling his head against my chest.

“I love you too.” he breathes against my skin before he reaches between us and joins our bodies in the most beautifully perfect way.

* * *

I watch Daniel as he walks to the bathroom to clean up and I feel the bile rise up in my throat.
What have I just done?
Why did I think it was okay to bring another man into this bed and make love to him? I get out of bed and wrap my dressing gown around me, covering my naked body and trying to hold myself together. I’m not sure it’s going to work. When Daniel comes out of the bathroom a few seconds later and wraps his arms around me I tense. My whole body freezes.

“Katie?” I can hear the confusion in his voice, I can hear the hurt. But I don't know what to say to make this whole thing okay, “Katie? What's happened?”

“This happened, Daniel.” I hold my hand out and gesture to the messed up bed.

“Are you… Katie, do you
regret
what happened?” his arms vanish and he steps away from me.

“I need you to leave.” I whisper, closing my eyes so I don’t have to see the bed or him or anything in this room.

“
Leave?”
he sounds shocked, “What we shared, it wa—”

“A mistake.
It was a mistake,
Daniel and it shouldn't have happened.”

“No. I
refuse
to call the most beautiful thing in the world a
mistake
. It was
love
, Katie. It was yours and mine. It was
ours
. You don't mean th—”

“I do. That's the bed I made love to
Richard
in, Daniel. That was
our
bed. What kind of animal does it make
me?
What kind of person brings another man into the bed she shared with her
dead husband.”
The tears come now. They come fast and from so deep within me it hurts. My knees buckle and I fall to the floor with a thud.

“
Katie!
” Daniel rushes over to me but I hold my hand out to stop him. He is so focused on me, he seems to have forgotten he is still naked, still completely exposed to me. I turn my head away, if I look at him…

“You need to get dressed Daniel and I'd like you to leave.
Please.
”

He doesn't say anything. He turns and goes to where his clothes lay on the floor, where minutes before I had dropped them as I underdressed him and discovered his body for the first time. I keep my eyes downcast, I’m on the verge of losing it and the one person who I would normally turn to is already standing in the room with me and part of the cause.

“I really
don't
want to leave,” he whispers, coming to kneel beside me, “I understand, I understand that this changes everything, that being here, together, hurts. But Katie, there is
nothing
wrong in what we shared, what we did was
beautiful
and I will hold it in my heart forever.”

“How would you know how it feels, Daniel? You've
never
been married. You've
never
found the piece that finishes your puzzle. You can't
possibly
understand how this feels.” I sob harder, resting my face on my knees.

 He stands and walks to the door but stops, turning to look at me. his blue eyes so sad and serious, unblinking and focused right on me.

“I’ve never been married, you're right. I've never wanted to be. I've never found the one piece who completes me, I didn't know I was looking for it. But then you walked into the hospital and I found
exactly
what you just described. I found that and so much more, Katie.”

“Daniel,
please
…”

“I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to tell you I love you. To tell you my heart stopped beating the day Poppy died and I was convinced I would live out the rest of my days without it. Three things happened the day I met you, Katie. The warmth and the light came back,”