To Mend a Broken Heart (23 page)

“Who cares? Are you enjoying yourself?”

“Of course I am.” I grin stupidly.

“Then it doesn’t matter.”

“I suppose it doesn’t.”

“Books make you sexy, Katie.”

“And books definitely make you sexy, Daniel.”

He steps forward and presses me up against the shelves of books, I can feel his need for me through his coat and I gasp a little when I feel him press his lips to mine in a kiss that leaves me no doubt he wants to make love to me, right here in the public library, surrounded by New Yorkers.

“Are you being turned on by books, Daniel?” I tease him.

“No. I’m being turned on by you.” he kisses me once more before stepping back and shaking his head at me.

“Well that’s okay then.”

We spend another hour surrounded by books, I find a copy of Cinderella and sit reading while Daniel searches book after book on photography. By the time we leave it’s late yet the city is still buzzing. We walk hand in hand to our hotel soaking up the sounds and the atmosphere. When we get back, we both get changed then head down to the hotel bar for drinks. I don’t know what causes us to start, but we sit there laughing at a round of quick fire questions.

“Sweet or savoury?” I ask, popping a peanut into my mouth.

“Sweet. You know I have the worst sweet tooth, Katie,” he laughs, “I eat more chocolate than you do.”

“No, you just don’t see me eat half of it!”

“Sneaky!” he smiles, leaning forward and placing a kiss on my lips.

“You don’t know the half of it.”

Daniel takes my hands, suddenly looking serious. His eyes shine, his cheeks are a little flushed after one too many drinks.

“Thank you for coming with me, Katie. It’s been the most incredible few days.”

“I think I should be the one who says thank you, Daniel. Thank you for giving me the chance to experience this, not only experience it, but experience it with you.”

“What happens when we get back, Katie?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want this,” he gestures between us, “To change. I want to be with you, more than anything. I can’t not be with you.”

“I want to be with you too, Daniel. Why,” I reach up and cup his face in my hand, “would anything change?”

“I don’t know. I just can’t let it. The thought of living, alone, without you, it kills me, Katie.”

“You’re not alone. You’re not without me. I promise you.” I tell him, leaning to kiss his fingers.

Chapter Twenty-One

“So I think, if we push this table back, we can make space for the photo booth here?” I suggest to the couple whose wedding is on Saturday.

“I think it would work, Katie, this is why you’re the best!” Connie tells me.

“I’m just sorry I won’t be here for it, I wish I could be.”

Connie looks at me with sympathetic eyes. I explained to them early on in their planning I wouldn’t be working the weekend of their wedding. Their wedding just happens to fall on Richard’s one year anniversary. I booked the entire weekend and part of the weeks either side of it off, knowing I will be in no fit state to work.

“It’s okay, we understand.” Connie takes my hand and gives it a little squeeze.

Once we finish up the last minute plans, I head to my office. Laying my head in my hands I sob. I let every single tear I’ve been holding back for the last hour fall. Each one splashes onto the table making a pool of sadness that doesn’t seem significant enough for the amount of grief I feel right now. It has been three weeks since Daniel and I came back from New York. The first week, we were still on a high, reliving the moments we shared together, the things we wanted to do again. It was perfect. Then we entered March and the date I’ve been dreading seemed to be hanging over me, over us like a storm cloud.

I’ve been pushing Daniel away. I know I have and he keeps pushing right back, letting me know it’s okay, that he understands and he isn’t going anywhere. There is only one problem with that, I’m not sure I want him around for this. I’m not sure I want him to witness what is surely going to be the most painful weekend since Richard died. How can I even ask him to be there for me? Now we are together, now that we’ve shared our hearts, bared our souls and our bodies to each other, how can I possibly ask him to be there for me while I mourn the loss of another man, regardless of the fact that man was my husband.

I finish what I absolutely have to then I leave work. I drive home and let myself in. There is silence and there is nothingness and it only adds to the grief I feel. I walk through the house and into the lounge, picking up the photo album that houses our wedding photos. I take it into the kitchen and pour myself a large glass of wine before sitting and flicking through the pages. As I turn each page I can hear him, I can hear Richard’s voice, his laugh, I can almost feel his hand in mine as we said our vows to one another;
I vow to love you always. Nothing will ever separate us. To you I’ll always belong. Today we are joined as one. Forever and always.
We could never have known what life had in store for us. We could never have known life planned to rip us apart and separate us, to take him to the one place I couldn’t follow.

I don’t know how I get there, but I wake up in bed and it’s dark outside. I lay there for a few seconds trying to work out what has woken me up, then I realise it’s my phone buzzing on the bedside table. I reach for it blindly and swipe along the bottom, holding it to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Katie, are you okay?” Daniel’s worried voice comes down the line.

“I’m fine, Daniel. I just fell asleep.”

“Can I come over?” he asks, sounding just as unsure as he did last night when he phoned.

I hate that I’ve made him question whether he’s welcome here, whether I want him here, and I hate even more that I can’t tell him that right now, I don’t want him here, that it’s as much for his sake as it is for mine. I just can’t hurt him, but I think I am anyway.

“I’m not feeling so good,” I lie, “I think I’m just going to stay in bed and sleep off whatever it is.”

He sighs, I know he sees through the lie, I also know, he won’t call me on it. Daniel is patient and kind and he always accepts what I tell him.

“Okay… Katie, we’re okay aren’t we?” he asks.

“Yes, Daniel.”

“Okay then. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“For our day out, of course.”

“I love you.” he almost whispers down the phone.

“I love you too.”

* * *

I’m tired. Daniel is tired and the day has been a total nightmare. Everything we try to do, something goes wrong. First of all, it’s just little things. The café we want to have coffee in is closed, then when we do find one that is open it doesn’t serve anything other than your basic filter coffee and pots of tea. The list of petty annoyances just get worse over the course of the day and my temper begins to fray.

After kissing Daniel before he goes to get some money out, I bump into an ex colleague of Richard’s, who thinks it is acceptable to stand there and openly tell me she is shocked to see I’ve moved on so quickly. Every word that comes out of her mouth is like a slap around the face and after last nights dreams, the wound that was healing is feeling raw and sensitive again and I find it more than difficult to smile and be polite.

After what feels like an hour, she finally says goodbye, with a haughty nod of her head and I’m left standing there, red faced and shaking with anger. When Daniel returns and tries to comfort me, I just get irritated and tell him, it’s easy for him, no one judges the man who has lost his child, everyone judges the widow who has fallen in love. I’m awful to him and I end up spoiling the whole day. I know why I’m acting like this, with Richard’s anniversary only days away, I’m feeling emotional and tired and the ache in my chest is starting to come back. I can’t stop myself reacting without thinking and I’m hurting the one person I desperately don’t want to ever hurt.

On the drive home, the already strained atmosphere gets worse. The fuel light has been on in Daniel’s car for ages but he’s adamant we have plenty of petrol to get home on. We pass three separate garages and he refuses to stop at any of them, so when we eventually break down I’m severely annoyed. Daniel walks the two miles to the garage we passed not five minutes earlier alone while I sit stewing in the car. When he does finally arrive back, he fills the car up and we’re on our way again. Neither of us speaking to each other. It’s the first time being in Daniel’s company isn’t easy, and even worse, isn’t wanted.

When we get back to Daniel’s, I head upstairs to pack up my things, ready to put an end to the worst day I’ve had in a long time. I carry my things down the stairs and place them by the door. I can feel his eyes on me from the kitchen but I ignore them. Mentally slapping myself, I walk into the kitchen and stand, waiting for him to turn around again and face me.

“I’m going to go home.” I tell him.

“I thought we were going for dinner?” he turns around and his face is tense.

“We were, but I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.”

“So what? You leave, with this,” he waves his hand around between us, “This air of tension, bad feeling, whatever this thing is right now and wait for it to pass? That won’t work for me.”

“Well, I’m sorry it won’t work for you. But maybe it’s not about you.”

“Don’t do that, don’t make out this is about you or about me. This is about us.”

“No, it’s about you. It’s about you wanting something from me that I can’t give you!”

“It's not about that, Katie!” Daniel raises his voice and it shocks me so much I take a step back.

“Then what is it about, Daniel?” I yell back.

“It's about you being unable to get over your guilt for having feelings for me. For wanting to be with me. For us being in a relationship with each other.” he turns and walks around the table, grabbing fistfuls of his hair.

“Guilt? Is that what this is? Guilt?”

“Yes. Guilt at feeling something for someone who isn't your husband!”

“Daniel, what I feel is so much more than guilt! It's soul destroying. It’s all consuming and it's driving me insane!”

“You don't need to do this to yourself, over and over and over. I've told you, Ginny has told you. There is nothing wrong in feeling again. Nothing at all.”

“Don't bring Ginny into this. Are you two best friends now? Or is that Ryan? You know he was Richard's best friend? Since school? Does that make it better or worse for you?”

 What has got in to me? Where is this venom coming from? Why am I yelling at the one person I just want to hold me. Why can’t I stop telling him these awful things?

“Of course I know that,” Daniel replies, so much calmer than me, “We share a common interest. We've become close since you and I... Is that a problem?”

“Of course it isn't. I love that you're friends, I'm sorry.” I whisper, dropping into one of the dining room chairs.

Daniel comes to kneel in front of me and takes my hands in his. They are big and strong and warm and the feel of them, so comforting, makes me lose it. I don't stop the tears that fall. My emotions are hot wired to my tear ducts and right now, I have a lot of emotions running through my body. His big hand wipes away the tears and he waits. Always so patient, he waits for me to calm down before he speaks.

“You have to get past this guilt, Katie. It's eating you up inside. We've said we love each other. We've shared a bed and made love together in it. We’ve been away, we’ve shared countless intimate moments together and the majority of them haven’t been while we’ve been naked but when we’ve bared our souls to each other. I've told you, you're my light.” he presses a kiss to my forehead and I close my eyes and inhale deeply.

“You're my warmth.” I whisper.

“I know it hurts, I know it's difficult to be with me and still think of him. I know that especially now with the date looming over you, it hurts. But I'm not asking you to forget. I'm just asking for you to make a little space for me in your heart, give me a little space and I'll wait and grow there till you're ready for me to take root in a bigger part of your life. Just please,
please
don't push me away.”

“I'm sure I'm going to mess this up, Daniel. I'll push you away and I'll say horrible things when I'm scared and trying to work it out. You deserve better than that. Better than someone whose heart lives in the past.” I sob.

“Your heart doesn't live in the past, beautiful Katie. I can wait. I will wait. As long as it takes. I want to be with you. I've never wanted to be with anyone like I want to be with you.”

“She told me that I was selfish, Daniel. She told me, she couldn’t understand how I could move on so quickly after losing someone as amazing as Richard. She told me it hasn’t even been a year yet.” I sob.

“I don’t even know who
she
is, but she is
wrong
.” he tells me, cupping my face.

“What if she is right?”

“She isn’t. I’ve told you hundreds of times, those who love you will never judge you. Those who care understand.”

“You understand, you always understand,” I pull him closer to me, burying my face in his neck, “You always understand and I don’t deserve you.”

“Katie, you deserve the moon, the stars, the whole world. You deserve everything good. You deserve a whole lot more than I can possibly give you. I hope I’m enough.”

“You are everything to me, Daniel. Everything.”

* * *

I don’t want to be here and I don't want Daniel to be here either. There have been so many times in the past year I've just wanted to curl into a ball and go to sleep and I didn't particularly care if I woke up again. That all changed when Daniel came into my life, things got easier, brighter, lighter. But now, on the anniversary of the accident, the anniversary of the day that changed my life forever, I want to be alone. I don’t want to have to make conversation with anyone. I want to crawl into bed and stay there until the pain passes and the date has gone.

Instead I’m sitting at Richard’s grave with Daniel sitting in his car waiting for me, for as long as it takes for me to say what I need to say. He wouldn’t let me come alone, but he won’t join me here either. I’ve been here for an hour and so far, all I’ve managed to say is
I miss you
over and over again, every other word seeming to get stuck in my throat. It’s hopeless. It’s painful and I want it to stop but I know I have to talk to him before I leave. If there is even a small chance he will hear me, I have to talk.

“Rich… Today is such an awful day for me.” I sob, trying to calm my breathing.

“Where are you right now?” I turn my face to the sky and close my eyes, “Are you with Poppy? Have you met her? Please look after her.”

I take a deep breath, trying to get the words I need to say past my lips, but they don’t seem to want to come out. I look behind me, to where I can feel Daniel’s gaze on me. I know he wants to hold me, to make this all okay.

“I’m sorry if Daniel being here upsets you, Rich, but I need him. I need him so much, I need him as much as I need the air I breathe and the food I eat. He has healed me. He has created a world, a life for me when I was so sure mine had ended when yours did.”

I close my eyes and let the memories I created with Richard play out before me. I’m not sure when or how it happened, but Daniel’s memories play there too. I find my mind is full of love and kindness, of laughter and joy and nothing, not even one of them is tinged with sadness. Your mind is a funny thing, I was told once, when you look back on painful times in your life, you find you forget the sadness, you forget the pain and you are left with the happy memories, the joyful things you did. They were right. I remember every good moment I ever shared with Richard because out of everything those are the memories I treasure, those are the memories that mean everything.