Tuning in to Inner Peace: The Surprisingly Fun Way to Transform Your Life (19 page)

Using the word ‘hate’ is guaranteed to give you a negative emotional charge. Even if you and spinach aren’t made for each other, what is the upside of saying, “I hate spinach!” There is none.

Whether you’re complaining about a song, an advertisement, a food, or some plague in the world, using ‘hate’ is a perfect way to launch into a rant. If you start with, “I hate that song!”, it’s natural to keep going. Next, you’ll be picking it apart defending your position. That may spur you and your listener to remember other songs you hate and then you’re really on a roll. In this frantic state, you are unlikely to take any positive action to actually fix or improve the situation.


        
Instead of spinach, choose a different vegetable. Or find out why other people do like it. Try a recipe they suggest and see what you think.


        
If you don’t appreciate a song, tell people about songs you do like. Or write your own!


        
If you hate the fact that world hunger exists, work to alleviate it.

See ‘hate’ as an excuse for self-righteous ranting. Instead choose something that promotes understanding and/or action:


        
I don’t understand…


        
I’m not a big fan of…


        
I’m not sure why people like…


        
What can I do to improve the situation around…?

“Don’t be a hater!”

6. Eliminate the object and see if it improves the accuracy.

When we assign responsibility for action to the actor, the object becomes secondary. It can be helpful to limit the statement to the actor and the action, rather than focusing on the particular person or situation that evokes that action. It’s a bit complicated to describe, but it’s easy to do. Remove the object in a sentence. Does it give you a new perspective?

He always does that to me. 
He does that sometimes.   

I’m in love with him.
                                I’m being loving.

She’s angry with me.          
She’s angry.

I’m unhappy with him.         I’m unhappy.

7. Replace “I can’t”

When we say “I can’t” it becomes a statement of a fixed condition that always was and always will be. Instead, try something precise. Note if it is a new development. Leave an opening for a solution that may come as the result of outside help or more time.


        
I can’t control my eating.

Becomes: I haven’t been able to control my eating lately. What am I doing different? Maybe it’s my new work schedule. If I can’t get on track this month, I might join a weight loss program.


        
I can’t stick to an exercise plan.

Becomes: I don’t know why I haven’t been able to stick to an exercise plan. I used to exercise daily and I felt a lot better. I’ll call my superfit friend and ask for help.


        
              I can’t lose weight.

Becomes:
“I can!” or even better, “I am slim,” as an affirmation to pave the way to make it so.

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.”

- Dale Carnegie

Complaints commonly fill our heads, our days and our lives:


        
I dread walking into this stupid meeting.


        
I don’t want to be here.


        
I can’t stand being with her like this.


        
I can’t believe I have to wait here for another hour.


        
I hate this traffic.

How does it feel when you think those thoughts? Perhaps powerless, frustrated, upset, unappreciated, or  trapped?

What do all complaints have in common?

What is happening in the present?

What is happening in the past or future?

Each complaint has two parts. The first part is the truth of what is already happening. 

For example:


        
You are already walking into that meeting.


        
You are here.


        
You are with her.


        
You are waiting.


        
You are stuck in traffic.

…a
lready!

And the second part of a complaint. Here you express your dissatisfaction with the present moment.

But, of course, it’s too late to change it. It’s already in progress.

Thus, of course, you feel:

Powerless, frustrated, upset, unappreciated, trapped

We’ve been trained to see this lashing out and
complaining as a powerful response. But, it’s not. It’s simply a place to get stuck and wallow.

The typical approach to complaints is predictable: feel dissatisfaction, then complain. Is this any different than a baby’s reactions?

I’m hungry! Waaaaaah.

There is another way. There is a point of power.

What if instead you stopped before reacting and complaining, and took a different course?

When you feel dissatisfied, what if you started with fully noticing what is true, now?

The powerful response is based completely in acknowledging reality first. Before proceeding, here you can pause in gratitude and awe. This step helps you appreciate the unique value of this moment, the magic that brings people together in this time and place, and the brief time you have on the planet. It helps you take the long view and puts small problems in perspective.

From there, you can consider what is best to do now. You can also use this discomfort as a sign that you could explore the past and future to consider what you can do differently.

Instead of zooming straight from dissatisfaction to complaint, try this alternative path.

Step-by-Step Alternative to Complaining

Dissatisfaction:

I dread walking into this meeting.

Step 1: Notice the feelings generated by the thought.

Uneasiness. Feeling unworthy. Upset with others.

Step 2: Acknowledge the reality now.

Now…


        
You are walking into this meeting.


        
You’re not as prepared as you wanted to be.


        
But, you can’t change that now.

Step 3: Choose gratitude and awe now.

Now…


        
What can you appreciate and be in awe of now?


        
What magic brings you together for this hour, here and now?


        
What a gift it is to be alive and have fulfilling, challenging work to do!

Step 4: Determine what is best to do now.

Now…


        
What can you do to make this the best meeting possible?


        
How can you honor yourself and the people you will spend this time with?


        
How can you savor this hour and this experience?

Step 5: Consider the past.


        
What led you into this situation?


        
What could you have done to be more prepared?


        
Did you commit to doing more than you actually can do?


        
Did you say yes, when you meant no?


        
Or, were there circumstances beyond your control?

Step 6: Consider the future.


        
If you want to feel satisfied walking into the next meeting, what could you do to make that happen?


        
What do you need to accept?


        
What do you need to change?

Step 7: Peace of mind check

Usually, you’ll feel immediately better! At this point, you should be chuckling! If you’re still feeling dissatisfied, focus on now first. Later, try the steps again.

When you take a complaint and stop it in its tracks, you
avoid the negative feelings. Instead, you have a proven method for examining and moving forward. You feel powerful, calm, appreciative of yourself and others, more understanding, and liberated to accept things as they are and make needed changes.

Exercises


        
For the next few days, make a note of any complaints that surface in your own thoughts or words. Notice what is already true.


        
After observing complaints for a few days, use the step-by-step process to work through complaints that surface for you.


        
End with a peace of mind check. And finally notice, do you feel more powerful when you complain or when you fully analyze the complaint?


        
Do your analysis with a light and curious attitude. Be gentle with yourself. Try to avoid using “should”. Use “could” instead. Enjoy the process!

“It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.”