Tuning in to Inner Peace: The Surprisingly Fun Way to Transform Your Life (3 page)

And he says, without hesitation:

“Anger is not necessary. It has no value.”

Anger: What Regrets Are Made Of

What I know is that those times I did get angry, I remember. And I regret.

I pride myself on being a kind teacher. Even on Monday mornings, even when I’m not feeling well, my goal is to bring it!

But on one day, I lost it. An adult student was repeatedly disrupting the class. I told him strongly to leave, “Get out”. He didn’t budge. I’d never experienced that kind of reaction in my years of teaching adults. Kids yeah, but not adults.

He didn’t. I pointed to the door, and stood firmly and said it again, louder, and still he sat.

Then, I yelled, “Get the f#$@ out of my class!”

In that one moment, I did so much damage. The days, weeks, months of teaching, planning and caring flew out the window with that one three-second outburst. I lost my hallmark.

Over the next few weeks, I studied that incident. I realized that even on days when I meditated, ate right, rested well and prepared to my best ability, I was occasionally still losing my cool: yelling or letting a (less remarkable) curse word fly. 

The thing is, I’m kind of a hard-ass in class. I’m a stickler about being on time and following the rules. This has worked well for me and most of my students. But it didn’t work at that school. I was just taking everything way too seriously for that school, in general.

I could have blamed it on the students, the class size, the school policies or something else. But the point is, my behavior is my responsibility. I realized that that position wasn’t right for me, and I quit. I found a new position at a more academically-oriented school, and it was a good fit.

Forgivable, but not Forgettable

When we look back at our lives, these moments of anger are permanent dents in our track record. They can be smoothed over, forgiven, and even a stepping stone to something better, but they are rarely forgotten.

It’s better to give up the idea that anger is necessary or useful. Instead, let’s figure out where it’s popping up and how to avoid it in the future.

Exercises

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Think back over your life and recall moments of anger by you or someone near you. Did anger help that situation?

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Tomorrow, notice if there is a time when you get angry. Notice if you are near others who are angry.

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What is the reason for the anger?

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Is it a ‘good’ reason?

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What would be a ‘good reason’ to get angry?

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When is anger a valid response?

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How does anger improve the situation? Does it?

You’re standing in line at the grocery store, and once again, you managed to pick the slowest one. You tap your foot, check the time, look behind you and worry about other lines moving more quickly than yours. You’re stuck waiting and there’s nothing you can do. “Arrghh! Just my luck!”, you mutter.

Once in a blue moon, you luck out. You hear the announcement, “No waiting in Line 1.” Yes!!! And now you’re so happy!

With just the tiniest shift in perspective, you could experience this same ‘no waiting’ bliss, anytime, anywhere.

But, first, consider how much of your time is spent waiting.

There are the little
things that happen every day. We wait:

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for the bus

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in line at the store

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for a light to change

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for the bell to ring

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for break time

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for a friend to arrive

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for someone to leave

The feeling of waiting is usually drenched in frustration, irritation and berating ourselves and others. This feeling of being ‘stuck’ is not pleasant!

But, if you are already there, and if Being is the most important thing, what is ‘waiting’? You are somewhere… Being, always.

Waiting is not a less valuable time than any other time. It presents us with all the opportunities to challenge ourselves, accept reality and be peaceful and compassionate…with ourselves or others.

And while your days are dotted with tiny waiting events, a lifetime may appear to be gouged with chunks of months or years of waiting.

It’s no wonder that “waiting” is so deeply ingrained in our perspective. We’ve been doing this since we were small children.

Wow, I can’t wait! Life will be great when…

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I can ride the bus to school!

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I get to play on the big kids playground!

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I’m tall enough to ride the roller coaster!

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I can drive!

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I graduate from high school!

Aha, but, what about right now? Aren’t
these
those days you were waiting for, not too long ago!

So, what are you waiting for now? A job? A new love? A child to be born? A child to move out? A project to be completed? Or started? Better friends? A promotion? A better schedule? Someone to notice your achievements?

Now is Good Enough for Me

The feeling of waiting is based on deciding that now is somehow not good enough, and that some time in the future will be better. Waiting only happens when there is a lack of gratitude for the present.

Every day is good enough. Every day is filled with challenges and frustrations, amazingly beautiful easy moments and confusing, difficult puzzles. That’s life! Don’t wait for it to change!

Now is the Perfect Time

If you’re ready to stop waiting, consider how can you transform these days into precious moments of Being. Of  Being something special. Finish the sentence:

“
Now is the perfect time to…”

For example, if you are waiting for a child in your life, this is a good time to do no-kid things like work strange hours, travel and go out at night!

If you’re waiting for a kid to grow up, this is a good time to do kid things. Think about it. You’re going to look creepy going to KiddieLand, riding the little boats and ringing the bell if you’re alone! So enjoy it with your little kids.

Instead of feeling like you’re waiting for something, remember that you are already here! You have already arrived! Do now, what you’d been waiting to do! Be now, what you’ve been waiting to be!

If you are alone and waiting for a partner to come into your life, use this time to tune in to your inner state. Pour on the gratitude and feel yourself filled with peace. Take bubble baths. Crank up the music you love! Now is the time to take that art class, start an exercise program or catch up on your reading. Find ways to enjoy being yourself, without relying on others to cheer you up.

If your life is overflowing with the demands of others, now is the time to bask in their company. Soon enough, this situation will change. Consider how you can be compassionate, joyful, and peaceful in your interactions. What creative solutions can I bring to how I relate to others? Now is the perfect time to develop the skills of managing the balance between nurturing self and others in a hectic situation.

Making a Mini-Oasis

In 2010, I was teaching English to adults in Korea. Most of the teachers and students rushed to arrive just before the 6:50 am starting time. One month, my classroom changed so as I ran to class, I’d pass the classroom of my friend and fellow teacher, Eun Ha.

She taught beginners that were taking their first timid step into conversational English class. Instead of arriving in the nick of time, Eun Ha arrived early so she had about 15 minutes of free time before class.

She spent that time sitting in her class with any students
that arrived early. She asked them their music preferences, and searched for tunes that she and her students liked. She and the students could be heard chatting and laughing, with music in the background most mornings.

On our way rushing up the stairs, other teachers and I found it irresistible to pass the room without stopping in. I’d greet teacher and students, and bounce off to class energized. Later I found out that many of her students had rarely if ever talked to a ‘foreigner’ before.

Her carefully designed 15-minutes prior to class helped instill confidence in her beginner speakers, helped her enjoy her morning, and boosted the spirits of all of us who passed.

This is a masterful way to transform the few minutes before class into the ‘no waiting’ bliss of Being!!

Exercises

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Tomorrow, notice how many times you feel that you are stuck waiting for a few minutes here and there. Make a list of these times. Then consider how you can shift your perspective to fully enjoy these moments. Can you transform a few minutes delay into a mini-vacation? 

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Past: “I’m waiting for…” Big Things List

The next day, think abo
ut the Big Things in your past. Make a list of all those things that you now have or do…things that you once waited for. Review your list. Consider, did these things make your life happier or easier? If yes, then you can be grateful. If no, then is it wise to pin your future happiness on other similar goals?

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Current: “I’m waiting for” Big Things List

The next day, make a list of the things you are
now waiting for in the bigger scheme of life. For each item on the list, consider, did any of these items have similar versions in the past, that you have already completed?