Two Captains, One Chair: An Alaskan Romantic Comedy (26 page)

It started with a wobble of my lip.  “You… bible c-camp
girls
…” was all I was able to get out before “…Bwahahahaha!”

I laughed.  I laughed until I had tears in my eyes, until my ribs ached. 

I’d been thinking about using them for orgasms.  Now I was thinking they might be better for their entertainment value—so long as they weren’t breaking my stuff.

“…a-a-a bear!” I howled with laughter while pointing at their homemade grass panties.

They shifted around, their expressions becoming disgruntled.

My giggles wound down.  I wiped my eyes, and grinned like an idiot.  Part of my good mood, I could acknowledge, was probably Ed’s doing from earlier today.  Or… ‘doing Ed’ earlier today?  Eh, either way.  I’d gotten some, and the world was rosy.  Even the brothers were kinda rosy.

Oh wait, that was a blush.

“Oh my god, you two are idiots,” I pronounced.  I should have glared at them, yelled at them, but I just wasn’t in the mood, and besides:  I knew it wouldn’t do any good.

It was time to come up with a new plan.

“Okay, look, I have a deal for you,” I said.

They perked up.

“I’m missing a gold nugget.  It’s about this big,” I said, showing them with my hands.  “I think it’s been stolen, but it might just be lost around here somewhere.  In the cabin, in my boat, I don’t know.  But I tell you what:  If you can find it, I’ll let you go.  Release you from duty, so to speak.  Deal?”

They looked at each other.  “Deal,” said Zack.  Rory slid open my silverware drawer and bent to peer behind the tray.

“Nonono,” I said, pushing him toward the door.  “Tomorrow.  Start tomorrow.  I’m tired, I’m going to bed, and I don’t want you keeping me up with your rummaging noises.  Go sleep.  And for the love of drunken piglets, find some clothes!” I yelled out after them.

I closed the door, and leaned back against it, thinking again of Ed.  I caught myself smiling, remembering his hands on me.  I closed my eyes and leaned my head back with a little moan.  His
hands
.  I sighed.

Then I jumped away from the door, scooped up my phone, and barricaded myself in my room.

I called Helly.

“Yup?” she answered.

“Your brothers are back.  Also, I had sex with him.”

“Wait… Suzy?  What?  Sex with…
Ed
?”

I sprawled back on my bed, smiling up at the ravaged ceiling.  “Yeah.”

She squealed into the phone, making my grin crack even wider.  Then she squealed some more.  “
And
?” she finally asked.

“He’s amazing,” I said.  “Amazing.  Wonderful.  Thorough.  Spectacular with his hands.”

“And with his tongue?”

“Yeah,” I said with a sigh.

More squeals, and finally:  “So he wasn’t a virgin.”  Her tone was wry.

“No.  There’s just one thing,” I said.  I sat back up.  “He’s still got that secret.  And it’s a big one.”

“Well, so we need to figure out what it is,” Helly said.

“I
need
to know what he’s hiding,” I agreed.  “I was thinking, if we sneak up on the bar, if they don’t know we’re coming…”

“If they think you’re not even around, if they think you’re actually in
town
, maybe…”

I sat up straight.  “Yes!  He’ll never expect me if I’m not even
here
.”  I frowned.  “So I need an emergency, something to take me outta here quickly, except—”

“—except you don’t actually leave!” Helly said.  “You could come stay at my place until it’s time to raid the bar.”

“Yes!  Perfect!  Okay… but what’s my emergency?”

Helly began to chuckle.

“D
otty, I’ll be there in a few minutes.  I’ve got a plane picking me up.  It’s an emergency.”  Yes, a float plane could have picked me up in front of my place instead, but this needed to happen in front of the neighborhood gossip.  The
other
neighborhood gossip.

Dotty gasped.  “What’s going on?”

I let the silence draw out in a grave, mysterious kind of way.  Then I made what I hoped sounded like a muffled sob.  “I’ll tell you when I get there.  I… gotta go.”  I hung up before she could ask me anything else.  Then I grabbed my coat, and hustled out the door.

Dotty met me down at the river in front of her place a few minutes later.  “Suzy, you’ve got me so worried.  What’s going on?” she asked.

“I… shouldn’t,” I said.  “I’ve just… gotta get to town.”  My hesitations were due to me being a terrible liar, but I hoped it sounded like I was being overcome with emotion.  I rushed past her toward the airstrip, where my chartered plane waited on the gravel runway.

“You can spare just a minute, right?  Oh, Rob’ll wait.  Come in, have a cup of tea.  Tell me what’s happened.” Dotty looked so worried. 

Okay, now I felt a little bad.  “All right,” I said.  I let her lead me into the cabin, push me into a chair.  Tea appeared within moments, and then her concerned face came level with mine across the steam as she sat.

She reached out and touched my hand.  “Tell me.”

I sucked in a hitching breath.  “Promise you won’t tell Ed?” I asked.

Her eyes started to gleam.  They flickered toward the phone.  “Of course I won’t,” she promised.

“Okay, I trust you,” I said, hoping she felt bad about this later.  The woman was incorrigible!

I took a sip of the tea, hesitating, drawing out the mystery.  “I…”  I sniffled, hoping it sounded real.  I tried to make my eyes water, and actually managed it when I thought about Ralph.

“Yes?” Dotty prompted after a few more moments of silence.

“I’ve…”

“Oh, Suzy, whatever it is, you can tell me.  Spit it out.  It can’t be that bad.”

“I’ve miscarried.”  I let my shoulders droop.  There, I’d said it.  I’d told the whopper.  I peered up at her through my lashes, wondering if she’d bought it.

Oh, yeah.
  She’d taken the bait.  Hook, line, and sinker.

Dotty clapped a hand over her chest, and squeezed my hand with the other.  “Oh, you poor dear.  Are you okay?  It was Ed’s?”

“Yeah.”  I was going to burn in Hell.

If she hadn’t been like a shark smelling blood in the water, frenzied by the scent of a juicy rumor, Dotty would have known something wasn’t right.  I’d complained about not being able to get in Ed’s pants at the Passion Party.  Meaning, there was no way I was already carrying his baby.  But I was banking on this lie being so sensational, she wouldn’t question it, and so confidential, she’d have to tell.  One that, in her judgement, Ed ought to know.

After sealing my fate, I needed to make my exit before I gave myself away.  I pushed to my feet, crossed to the door.  Hesitated there.  Glanced at her.  Hoped my eyes were still watering convincingly.

“I’m going to the doctor now,” I said.  “Just… don’t tell Ed, okay?”

“I won’t.  Cross my heart.”  Her hand was already creeping toward the phone.  I suddenly felt much less bad.

I ran out the door then, needing to turn away before she saw my smile.  I jumped in the flight service plane, and we took off headed toward Anchorage.  A couple minutes later, I looked out the window, trying to estimate the distance.

“You think we’re out of her sight yet?” I asked into my headset.

The pilot, a grizzled redhead in his forties, glanced over at me, and then back out the forward window.  “Give it another minute.”

At the end of that minute, Rob pulled us into a hard turn to the left, and flew us back upstream on the other side of the river.  He made some adjustments to his hydraulic landing gear, and we swooped down over the trees to land on floats on Helly’s lake.

Helly caught us, and pulled us up alongside her dock.  “Did she buy it?” she asked as soon as I opened the door.

I stepped out.  “Yeah.  She was already reaching for the phone.”

Helly gave me a high-five.

“I think this is gonna work perfectly,” I said.  Ed would believe I was in town today.  So he would never expect it, and wouldn’t try to stop me, when I walked into his bar—and found out just exactly what the sexy, secretive handyman was up to.

We turned Rob’s float plane around, and then started up to Helly’s cabin.

J.D. was there, again, playing his video games. This time, he looked up.  “What’re you two up to?” he asked.

I thought quick.  “Pajama party.”  I wasn’t wearing pajamas, but luckily I had a bag slung over my shoulder that might
look
like pajamas.

His gaze swept over me.  “Uh-huh.”  He glanced out the window, at the plane now charging across the lake.  “Don’t you own a boat? 
Two
boats?”

“Uh…” I looked at Helly, then back at him.

J.D.’s eyes narrowed.

Helly whacked him upside the head.  “Quit interrogating my guests.”

“Ow.”  He rubbed the spot.  “You guys gonna be here all day, then?”

“Yup,” Helly blithely lied.

I tensed up, wondering how on earth we were going to walk out the door after that little proclamation.  Shoot him with a dart?

“Then, can I use your boat?  I heard the fish are really biting up at Mooreson’s Slough.”

Helly narrowed her eyes at him.  “You’re not planning on picking up Zack and Rory, right?”

“Right,” J.D said, his tone suspiciously mild.

“Good, because they’re being punished.  So long as you promise it’s just you, you may.”

“Sure.  It’s just me.”  J.D. turned back to the TV—Mario Brothers this time.  There was no way what he was saying wasn’t at least partially a lie, but Helly didn’t seem to notice or care.

“Wanna sit out on the deck?” Helly asked.  “Or maybe try out Gary’s new hot tub?”

I made a face at the same time as J.D.’s soft sound of disgust.  “Considering I don’t want to bear Gary’s child, no, I’ll pass on the hot tub, thanks.”

“Wise decision,” J.D. muttered.

Helly shot him a look.  “Deck it is.”

We stepped out.  I was careful to close the sliding door, then sat next to her.  “We’re taking Gary’s boat, then?” I asked quietly.

“Yep.” Helly’d already picked up her binoculars, ready to get in some quality bird-watching.

I pulled out my phone.

“Now what are you up to?” Helly asked.

I sighed.  “I’m going to do something I’ll most likely regret.”

She looked at me quizzically.

“I’m calling the Troopers about that nugget.  I just—I haven’t had any luck, and I’m running out of time.  Yes, we’re about to figure out what’s up with Ed, but… what if he has nothing to do with the nugget?  I don’t really think he’s my thief.  Maybe the Troopers will have some strings they can pull, some contacts.  Something.”  I blew out a heavy breath and stared at the phone, still hesitating.

Helly reached over and patted my arm.  “It’ll work out,” she said.  “Whatever you decide to do, it’ll work out.  Not all cops are like your dad.”

I smiled at her.

And as the phone rang, I thought back to my deception this morning.  I wondered how Ed was going to take the news….

Chapter
Twenty-One

“A
re you sure this is a good idea?” Gary asked.

“No,” I said.

“But with you in charge of security,” Helly said, “we should survive.”

Gary peered over the bush in front of him, his dart gun held at the ready.  We were hunkered in the woods at the edge of the bar’s property, watching people come in and out of the front door.  The activity looked normal enough, but the last time I’d been in there, the bar had been empty.  And then, of course, two guys had grabbed me, and Ed had tried to intimidate me.

There
was
something going on here.  Something fishy.  We just needed to get close enough to figure out what.

I pulled my boonie hat down.  I’d found the wide-brimmed thing in the back of a closet, and figured I was so much shorter than everyone else that if I kept it low over my forehead, they shouldn’t be able to identify me.  I’d tied my hair back in a severe bun at the nape of my neck, and then dressed up in my least-cute, least-me outfit:  An old Alaska T-shirt I’d picked up at a garage sale, an equally out-of-style thick wool shirt somebody had shrunk until it was my size, and ratty jeans.

“What’s the plan?” I whispered.  I nudged aside a few long blades of grass for a clearer view of the front of the building.

“Hey, you’re our fearless leader,” Gary pointed out.  “I’m just security.”

I shot him a look.

“You said they acted like they recognized you,” Helly said.  “Like they didn’t want you, specifically, to see something.  So could we just waltz in there, and you keep your hat pulled down?”

Gary groaned.  “Is this what happens when women are left in charge?” he asked.

“What’s wrong with that plan?” I asked.

“That plan’s gonna get us all caught, and then Ed’s gonna have to make three sandwiches.  And I don’t know about you,” he said, narrowing his eyes at the front door as another fishing guide disappeared inside, “but I’m not in the mood for peanut butter and jelly.”

“Why don’t you tell us
your
plan,
sweet
ie,” Helly said.  After she’d found out his last name was Sweet, she just hadn’t been able to let it go.

What I found even funnier was that
her
name was gonna be Sweet if she told him yes.  And of course she was going to tell him yes.  Anybody who’d ever looked into his emerald eyes would have told him yes, and really, it didn’t matter the question.

“My plan is, I shoot anyone who gets in our way, and double tap anybody that gets back up.”

I exchanged glances with Helly that were at once ridiculing and considering.  I could practically read her mind, and we were definitely on the same page.  We agreed men were generally dumb brutes, but in this particular case, it’d probably get us where we needed to go, so long as…

“You mean with your darts, right?” I checked.  He also had a 9mm Beretta on his hip.

“No, I’m just going to kill half the guides on the river,” Gary said.  He glanced over, saw our expressions, and laughed.  “Oh my god, I’m kidding.  I swear, I will not kill anyone.”

“What about that guide with the irritating, thin, used-car-salesman beard?” Helly asked.

Gary rubbed his chin thoughtfully.  “That
is
some really offensive facial hair.  Maybe—”

“Okay, okay,” I said, interrupting what was most likely going to be a long, deeply philosophical discussion about what type of facial hair would qualify someone for the death sentence.  “Back on track.  Let’s go with your plan.  Are you ready?”

Gary and Helly nodded.  We waited until another fisherman had disappeared into the bar, and then we walked out of the bushes.  At least, Gary and Helly walked.

I snuck.

“What the hell are you doing?” Gary asked, stopping to look back at me as I slunk along behind him.

“Sneaking,” I whispered, shooing him along.

Gary groaned.  “There’s not even any cover.  Just—straighten up and walk like a normal person.  You’re less suspicious that way.  And I’ll be less embarrassed to be seen with you.”

Helly slapped him on the shoulder.

“What?” he asked her.

I pushed at both their backs.  “Just—go!” I hissed.  There was another boat coming up the river, and it looked like it was angling for the bar.

We moved to the front door, Gary carrying his dart rifle casually, like everyone carried their dart rifles into the bar.  It
was
Alaska, but no, that wasn’t a normal occurrence.

Just as it had been last time, the long room was near-empty, with the only two occupants at the bar ordering drinks.  We heard cheering, but there were no bodies, no throats to produce the noise.

A door opened to our left, one I would have said was a bathroom, but when it did, the noise got louder.  I glanced at Helly, and saw she’d noticed it, too.

The guy who came out of that door noticed us. He pulled up short, staring first at Gary, then Helly.  Then his eyes dropped to me.  They widened, and his body tensed.  My heart raced, knowing we were caught.

Gary shot him.  Then he shot the three at the bar, including the bartender, moving fast enough to catch the first one as he fell.  Gary lowered him to the floor, wincing when one of the others toppled sideways and upset a bar stool.

We stood there for a moment, listening to the continued roar of a crowd, which I was now realizing could only be coming from beneath us.  There was a small second story, but that sound was definitely coming from below.  The building had to have a basement.

I cracked the front door, only to see the boat full of fishermen pulling up.  “We gotta go,” I said, starting across the floor.  “That boat just pulled in.”

Gary dragged his guy behind the bar while I went and peered in the mysterious doorway.  It opened onto a dark hall that quickly right-angled into a set of stairs.  The air was cool and smelled dank, like the room they’d held me in.

Gary hid the other two unconscious fishermen behind the bar, and Helly swiped one of their beers.

“C’mon,” I hissed, expecting the newcomers to walk through the door at any second.

Gary was pushing fresh darts into his rifle even as he hoofed it to me.  I shook my head in wonder, noting he wasn’t even out of breath.  He had the gun back up and ready by the time he ducked into the dark hall, taking point.

I’d made a mental note not to get into a gunfight with Gary.  Now I amended that: 
Don’t wind up on the other side of a dispute with Gary.  Ever.  And definitely don’t grow a thin, used-car-salesman beard.

Helly pushed me in in front of her.  As the door closed behind us, leaving the hall illuminated by a single bare, flickering bulb, she took a long draught of her stolen beer.

“Seriously?” I hissed at her.

She shrugged.  “Makes us look more legit.”

I eyed her blonde hair, which seemed almost to glow in the dark under that bulb.  There were very few people on the river with hair that blonde.  “We should have dyed your hair,” I said.

She looked affronted, and then dragged her hood up.  “Better?”

I nodded, then concentrated on not falling down the dimly-lit metal stairs.  The cheering was getting louder.  Screaming, really; a rabid-sounding roar.

I had no idea what was going on down here, but I hoped we didn’t find something really bad.  I didn’t want to see something that would scar me for life, and I didn’t want Ed to be wrapped up in anything truly horrible.  I liked Ed, dammit.  More than liked Ed.

I stumbled as the last step came up quicker than it was supposed to, and I knocked into Gary’s back.

Backs.  That’s all I saw.  Dozens and dozens of people all faced away from me toward the brightly-lit center of the room.  The crowd roared again, responding to something going on there.  But of course, I couldn’t see shit because I was barely five feet tall.

“What’s going on?” I asked Gary, and then had to repeat myself at a yell before he heard me.

“Looks like a fight,” he said, grinning down at me.  “C’mon, I want a better view.”  He began pushing his way into the crowd.

I frowned. 
A fight?  I swear to god, if Ed’s running dogfights…

Somebody jostled Helly, making her spill some of her beer.  She shoved that person back, and then grabbed me.  “C’mon,” she yelled, and dragged me into the press.

I am a little person.  I’ve said that, right?  So when she dragged me into a crush of excited nut-to-butt men, I was truly fearing for my life.  I could barely breathe in the foul miasma of fish-smell and B.O., and I certainly couldn’t see.  My boonie hat was jostled off within about two seconds, and then it was gone.  Somebody stepped on my foot.  Somebody else jabbed an elbow into my boob.

I fared a little better when I started pushing and elbowing them back, but I was still mad as a wet cat by the time Helly got me to the front of the press.  Grimacing, I peered up at a raised platform with a tall chain link fence around it.  A cage, I realized.

As I gazed up, a man came flying out of nowhere, and slammed into the fence in front of me.  I could only blink in shock as I was spattered with sweat and what I hoped to God wasn’t blood.  My stomach churned at the very idea.

The man had hit the barrier parallel to the ground, and gravity quickly claimed him.  He fell the three feet to the floor, landing with a thump on his side.

The crowd behind me roared.  Beside me, Helly did the same.  “Get him!” she yelled.  “Kick his ass!!”  She waved her fist around, looking like she was just about ready to climb up in there and help the guy.

Beyond her, I spotted Gary.  But he wasn’t looking at the fight.  Instead, he was looking down at his bloodthirsty girlfriend with unconcealed love.

Damn it,
I thought as my chest tightened with emotion. 
I want someone who looks at me like that when I’m at the absolute height of my own personal brand of crazy.

That, and:
Their babies are gonna be so damn cute…

My eyes burned as I swiped the dampness from my face.  Luckily, there were no dark stains on my sleeve when I pulled it back to look.

Past my untainted sleeve, I saw the man in black shorts climb to his feet, presenting me with his profile.  I blinked as recognition niggled.  He was medium height, well-muscled, his hair a dark blond, and despite having just been thrown, he pushed lithely to stand.

Helly screamed particularly loud, and the man glanced over.  His bright blue eyes locked on hers, and then I knew.

It was J.D.  Helly’s youngest brother, the one who wasn’t one of the two idiots that’d blown up my cabin.  The one who was supposed to be
fishing
.

While he was standing there, staring at Helly with shock, his opponent rammed into him from behind.  I winced as J.D. was smashed up against the fencing by the biggest guy I’d ever seen.

I mean, I’d seen him before.  He was a guide that came back every year, one of the pair of extra-large twins.  And I knew he was big.  But, in nothing but a pair of shorts, easily twice the breadth and a good foot taller than the man he was doing his best to extrude through the chain link?  The guy was fucking
huge
.

I grabbed at Helly, because she was starting to climb.  Gary wrapped his arm around her waist, and pulled her away.  She was cussing, snarling death threats at the beast of a man.  I was torn between watching with horror as her hood began to slide back, and watching with horror as her brother got squished.

To my surprise, J.D. managed to slip away.  Despite being thrown like a bad romance novel and then rammed like a castle gate, his movements were spry.  He danced away, and I didn’t know a
lot
about fighting, but I knew J.D. looked good while doing it.  He moved like the proverbial butterfly, dashing and feinting, leading his personal Goliath on a merry chase.

I was actually sort of getting into it, getting right up against the fence.  I was yelling almost as loud as Helly, when he did it.

In a move that defied the laws of physics, like a ballerina or somebody that hadn’t been told they had bones, J.D. jumped gracefully up, and up.  And up.  And then he hovered there like something straight from the Matrix.  The crowd took in a collective breath, and his opponent’s face wrinkled up and squinted, seeing the hit coming just as surely as the rest of us did.

And then he did it.

J.D. broke Goliath’s nose.

Blood gushed.

It had to be at least a cup.  No, a pint.  No… a quart.

I pressed the back of my hand to my forehead, feeling the sudden cold sweat that had sprung up there.

Helly had suggested to me after I’d flirted with the older two brothers that J.D. was more my age, and more my speed, and pretty much a better human being all-around.  Sure, I hadn’t remembered him and all, but… this right here,
this
was why it never would have worked between us.  Quite simply, J.D.—who, I was just remembering, was a professional MMA fighter—made people bleed way, way too much.