Unchosen (Chosen #2) (12 page)

TWENTY

The next morning, I was feeding Niall when Mom knocked on our adjoining door. I had shut it the night before, in case Niall had woken during the night. He hadn’t. It was the first time he slept through the night but I knew he felt just as exhausted about the trip as I did.

“So, your dad and I want to see some of the castles. Last time we were here, we spent most of the time at the water, so we are interested in more of the attractions. There is the Blackrock Castle and they say it’s kid friendly!” she said excitedly.

“That sounds fun, but I do want to see the water… and the university,” I said.

My mom stared at me and let out a sigh. “Lizzie, why are you here doing this?”

I thought about why I was there, wanting to see sights that were part of Teagan’s life. It was probably pathetic looking on the outside but Niall was also part of Teagan and one day I would tell him that we visited. No, that wasn’t the truth. I wanted to see where he went to college. I want to see his life. Our relationship had been so one sided and now that I was there, I did want to see his side of his life, even if he wasn’t showing me himself.

“I just need to.” It was all I could say.

“Okay, well, let’s get breakfast and we will head there, but only for a little while. Then, we will take in other sights,” she said, returning to her room and quietly shutting the door.

I thought about meeting Colin the night before and the words he had said. Teagan had been an idiot, he insinuated. He said Teagan didn’t deserve me. Was he really related to him? I shook my head. The drinks probably made me believe that he was but in the morning, I realized how absurd it would be to run into a complete stranger only to pour my heart out about his relative.

University College Cork was beautiful. Solid gray stone and perfectly manicured lawns made the place look like a castle. With a lush river running through the campus, it combined Jane Austen’s Wimberley with Rowling’s Hogwarts. I laughed at that. Mr. Darcy and Harry Potter walking around that place seemed so absurd but appropriate. We didn’t go inside but just walked around and commented on the old buildings.

“The Irish really maintain their structures. They must be very proud,” my father said. I snorted. My parents gave me “the look,” silently telling me I was a brat and I gave an apologetic shrug. My mother took the baby carrier from my chest and put Niall on her.

“Well, then, let’s move on to our next destination,” my father said, looking down at a tourist map. I stood off to the side to scan all the students and faculty along the walkways. Many were laughing and having a good time. I watched a boy and girl, holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes like they were all alone. It didn’t matter where they were. They were together and I suddenly wished Nick was there. I hadn’t
thought about him all morning but watching that couple made my chest hurt. Nick looked at me like that boy looked at his girl. I don’t remember Teagan looking at me in that way. I remember the lust and the possessiveness but never ultimate interest in what I had to say.

When my dad said we were going to a prison next, my jaw dropped open. “It’s not an active prison, Lizzie,” he said, rolling his eyes. “It’s the Cork City Gaol. They have great stories there and it looks like a castle.”

“A prison castle?” I asked incredulously. He nodded and smiled. Okay, my father has the most deranged mind ever. I laughed. Ireland was nothing like I thought it would be. Pubs, universities, and castle prisons. But I ate my words an hour later. The Cork City Gaol was unlike any other place I had ever seen. It had amazing history and it was strikingly stunning…on the outside. The Irish accents slowly became so familiar to me I hardly noticed them after a while. The brogue wasn’t a novelty to me like it had been in Boston. Like Nick’s southern accent, it became part of me. I picked up a few expressions and didn’t realize it until after the words fell from my mouth.

Ireland’s vast green hills and beautiful monuments were a treasure. By the end of the day, we went to St. Fin Barre’s Cathedral, Blackrock Castle and I was exhausted. If I never saw another castle again for years, I wouldn’t be crushed. Staring at the stones made into perfectly designed structures became a bit monotonous. Because of my sore feet and Niall’s growing fussiness, I felt like Chevy Chase in the scene at the Grand Canyon in National Lampoon’s Vacation. “That is so
nice,” was my repeated sentence while my parents took in every detail.

That night, we headed down to the infamous St. Patrick’s Street. Curving around a river, the colorful buildings reminded me of Martha’s Vineyard. It was a fantastic landmark with all of its shops and restaurants. At one point, Mom and Dad were walking ahead of me with Niall in a stroller while I took in all the shop windows. I stood and stared at a collection of books in a front window when I realized my parents were way ahead of me.

I swiveled around and took in all the people on the street. Everyone was young and excited. It was a joyful street that reminded me so much of Downtown Crossing in Boston. I watched a couple holding hands and envisioned it was me and Teagan. She had red hair and he looked at her like she was the only person on the street. But, imagining me with Teagan in Cork didn’t feel right. I felt like an outsider, looking in on another life. We were a couple in another life in another universe but we were never meant to be forever. We were not that couple on St. Patrick’s Street, living a perfect life together. That reality slammed into me like a heavy rock thrown at my consciousness and I got it.

I wasn’t the girl for Teagan. Yes, he and I were meant to have Niall but it ended there. My life was in Boston, working hard and playing music with my brother. I smiled at the thought of that night on stage. I was a totally different person because of Teagan. I had to break, I had to beg, I had to yell, I had to let go and now, I felt complete. I was happy for the first time in years and it wasn’t because I was in a relationship with anyone. A man could not make me whole. A man could not
make me feel special. I was the only one who could do that and it was absolutely liberating.

I thought of Nick, and although I wished our time together had been different, there was a reason for that, too. Timing is everything. Timing is about all the stars aligning in the sky in one moment when you find someone or something you weren’t looking for. I went there to look for Teagan and I did not find him. I found myself.  I was who I had been looking for all this time.

I heard my mother call my name and she waved me over. I waved back and my whole body radiated contentment. The people in my life loved me. I loved me. I was ready to go home and enjoy the life I had made for myself.

That night was the last time I ever conjured up a perfect Teagan in my mind and it was freeing.

TWENTY ONE

“You saw him? You saw Teagan again?” Conner asked.

I shook my head while I held Niall on my lap. Conner looked concerned and I couldn’t help but laugh. “It was good that I didn’t. This trip wasn’t about seeing him again. It was about letting him go. I can move on now, you know?”

Conner nodded with pride. He knew I was finally over my broken heart. I felt it in my bright smile. He grinned at me.

“Nick,” he said softly. He said Nick’s name like a statement and a bigger smile broke across his face. My brother was so beautiful. When he smiled, the whole room lit up. He was the whole reason The O’Malley Band was so popular. He could make anyone dance. He could make anyone sing. His presence was so awe-inspiring.

“Why are you whispering?” I asked. I looked at Niall on my lap. He was wide awake and staring at Conner. Conner looked down at Niall and he gave him a sad smile.

“You have to go to Nick,” he whispered again so faintly I could hardly hear him. Conner was disappearing in front of my eyes and I was so confused.

“What is happening to you, Conner? Where are you going?” I yelled, standing up and trying to reach out to him.

“He is calling you, Lizzie. Answer the phone,” he said and then he was gone.

The phone startled me awake and I realized I was in the hotel bed in Cork. I looked around to find the phone and saw it was six in the morning. Who the hell was calling at that hour? I saw Mom had left the adjoining room door ajar and the phone was ringing in their room.

I heard a muffled voice and then stillness. I got up to use the bathroom and checked on Niall on my way.

A screeching wail came from my mother. “What? No!
Oh my God!”  Then, there was full on wailing. I ran to their room and saw my father sitting up in bed with the phone in his hand. My mother was halfway on my father and halfway stretched across the bed literally dying in pain.

“Mom!
What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” I screamed over her howls. Dad looked up to me and gave me the blankest look I had ever seen. He looked old and he looked tired. He looked lost.

“Conner!”
My mother wailed. My father started to methodically rub her back and I raced to his side. I shook my father to look at me.

“What the hell happened to Conner?” I yelled at my misplaced father. Mom started yelling out, “No, No, No” over and over again.

“There was a car accident. He…he…he’s gone,” he stammered and I watched as the first tear fell from his eye.

I stumbled back and my butt hit the wall. I fell down and stared at him with wide eyes. I looked at the phone and then back at him in disbelief. “No, Dad. It’s a mistake. Conner is fine. It’s a joke. Who was on the phone? How did they get this
number?” I yelled. Mom’s wails took over my protest and I looked from her to my dad, who was shaking his head.

“It was Jeremy,” he said in a daze. Jeremy was the band’s bassist and one of Conner’s closest friends. “He found our information written down somewhere. I don’t know how. He was there when he... when he…” Dad trailed off. He instantly jumped up and ran to my room to pick up the phone.

The whole world fell apart in that moment. Mom was crying, Niall was crying, Dad was yelling into the phone for flights and I couldn’t move.

Loud knocking on the door momentarily broke me from my trance. After Dad answered the door and spoke to someone for a few minutes, a man in plaid sleep pants and a t-shirt ran over to my hysterical mother and started speaking to her in a low murmur. Another woman came in after him and looked at me in horror then went into my room. She came back seconds later with an equally hysterical Niall and started rocking him as she watched my mother. It was then I found my voice.

“That’s my baby. My brother, my baby,” I said, looking up to the woman.

She gave me a sad smile. “Is it okay if I hold him a little while, honey?” she asked.

“My husband is a doctor and I am a mother of three, so I would like to hold on to this cute bundle,” she confirmed.

I nodded and slowly looked towards my mom and then to my dad, who was back on the phone. My mother started to hyperventilate and the man instructed her to put her head between her knees and try to take breaths. He then walked to
my father and spoke softly to him before exiting his room. The woman stayed behind and I thought, “Who are these people? Why are they in our room?”

The man came back in with a bottle of pills, took out two, and handed them to my mother. She took them with the water from her nightstand and then she started to shake uncontrollably. I couldn’t watch anymore. It was horrible. I couldn’t watch her shake and cry and barely breathe. I looked down at the red carpet. My brother is dead. My beautiful Conner is dead. The unwelcomed mantra started on a ceaseless loop and I pushed my hands into the sides of my head to make it stop. It didn’t stop. I sat there for what felt like hours and it never stopped.

The next thing I remember, we were sitting at our gate at the airport. Mom was crying but her face was blank like my dad’s looked when he had the phone in his hand. Dad was rocking Niall’s car seat and I thought, did I feed him breakfast? What time is it? I was going crazy and so confused. “Dad?” I said numbly, not looking at him.

“Lizzie,” he replied just as numbly.

“Did Niall eat?” I asked as I looked over to the sleeping baby.

“Yes. He ate,” he said. I nodded and then looked down to my lap where a sandwich was sitting there half eaten.

I remember getting on the plane and holding Niall’s little hand as we took off. I remember going through customs and questions. There were so many questions. Name, residency, purpose of visit and on and on and on. I remember only replying, “My brother died.”

When we got to my parents’ house, there were so many people waiting outside. I didn’t understand. Who were all these people? Flowers were all over the porch and people were huddled in groups, hugging each other. My mother wouldn’t get out of the car. My father opened her door but she wouldn’t get out. I grabbed Niall out of his car seat, kept my head down, and walked into the house without talking to anyone. I ran up to my room and I sat on my old bed, staring at the closed door. I waited for Conner to come knock on the door. I waited to hear him strum his guitar and sing. I waited for the numbness to thaw. I waited and waited and waited.

As I waited, people came in and out of my room. All of them were faceless and talking to me in soft voices. Someone took Niall from me and someone brought me food. Occasionally, I would hear doors open and close but it remained quiet in the house. It was quiet in my room. Too quiet. I just wanted to hear his voice.

I lay down on my bed and watched the sunset through the window. I drifted off to sleep and felt comfort in its reprieve. It was pitch dark in my room when I heard the door close quietly and felt a body climb into bed with me.

“Mom, I want to be alone,” I said.

“Lizzie,” a low male voice said. His large, strong arms came around me and he wrapped the rest of his body against me in the bed.

“Nick?” I gasped, pulling his arm up to my face so I could smell him. It was Nick. He nuzzled his face into my hair and I could feel his steady breath.

“Nick. Conner was,” I choked. My nose started first, the most uncomfortable feeling like you are just about to sneeze and then my eyes. My eyes were burning and watering.
Then my throat. My throat was clogged and I couldn’t finish my sentence.

“I know, sweetheart. I know,” he said in a husky voice. He sounded like he was choking up but forcing it back.  I turned into his arms and started to sob. I couldn’t breathe. It was wretched and painful and all I could think about was watching my mother wail in the hotel in Ireland. Nick’s shirt was all wet and I tried to find different places to cry into so I didn’t feel the wetness on my cheeks. Eventually, there were no dry spots and he sat up to pull it off. He pulled my head back down to his warm chest and I started to hiccup and gasp like Niall did when he was crying so hard. I was a baby and Nick was my safe place.