Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (17 page)

What’s an
onychophagiac
? Someone who habitually bites their nails.

Canada: land of beautiful mountains, clear lakes, bustling cities...and some really weird news reports. Here are some of the oddest entries in the BRI news files
.

D
ON’T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW—IT’S ART

In 1991 British artist Helen Chadwick came to Canada to create a series of 12 artworks: bronzed “urine flowers.” She formed round piles of densely packed, fresh snow, and peed on them (to turn them yellow). Then she had a male friend “draw” (pee) a circular pattern on it. The combined result looked something like a daisy. Then, before it could melt, Chadwick made a bronze casting of the snow, to create a lasting, one-of-a-kind sculpture. (She sold all 12 for $2,000 each.)

STICKY SUBJECT

Jason Kronenwald of Toronto makes busts of celebrities for a living. He doesn’t use stone or clay—his artworks are made out of chewing gum. (Kronenwald actually hates to chew gum, so he has a friend chew it for him.) His most recent works: portraits of “Gum Blondes,” including Britney Spears and Pamela Anderson.

DIRT DU JOUR

Canadian research scientists have developed a program called Instrumental Neutron Activation Analysis, used to determine the nutritional value of rural Ontario dirt. Their finding: the average scoop of soil contains many essential vitamins and minerals needed for a healthy body, including iron, calcium, magnesium, and potassium. But if the thought of eating dirt makes you sick, don’t worry—it also contains the mineral kaolinite, which can soothe an upset stomach.

MISFORTUNE BAY?

Fishermen in Fortune Bay, Newfoundland, recently found something washed up on the beach: a “sea monster” measuring 22 feet long and smelling so foul that even seagulls would not go near it. Locals think it’s the body of the St. Bernard’s Monster, a mythical creature that supposedly inhabited Fortune Bay. Marine biologists say it’s more likely the decomposed remains of a basking shark or an oarfish.

Ouch! Hawaiians once used coconut husks for toilet paper.

GOAL!

Corey Hirsch, goalie for the 1994 Canadian Olympic hockey team, threatened to sue the Swedish government in 1995. Sweden planned to issue a postage stamp commemorating the Swedish hockey team’s come-from-behind defeat of Canada to win the gold medal at the 1994 Winter Olympics. Hirsch’s objection: The stamp would depict Peter Forsberg scoring the game-winning goal—against Hirsch. That, said Hirsch, is “not the way I want to be remembered.” (Sweden issued the stamp anyway.)

EAT MY SHORTS

Alberta police stopped David Zurfluh for driving erratically, suspicious that the teenager was drunk. But before he could be given a breath analysis, Zurfluh, who was sitting in the back of the squad car, ate his own underwear. Questioned in court, Zurfluh later admitted that his intention was to eat enough cotton so that it would absorb the alcohol in his system. Amazingly, it may have worked: the breath test showed his blood alcohol level to be at the legal limit. Zurfluh was acquitted of all charges.

DRILLED TO MEET YOU

Donald Wright was installing a sliding glass door in his Toronto apartment building when he fell off a stepladder and knocked himself unconscious. When he woke up, he discovered that he’d fallen head first onto a power drill, which had bored three inches into his right temple. He tried to pull the drill out, but it wouldn’t budge, so he set it on reverse, turned it on...and removed it from his head. (Doctors later removed bone fragments from Wright’s brain.)

BUT OFFICER, IT WAS A MOOSEUNDERSTANDING

Police in Bonavista-Clarenville, Newfoundland, stopped a driver and gave him a ticket for having an illegal radar detector. His explanation: the black box on his dashboard wasn’t a
radar
detector—it was a
moose
detector.

NIZE GUYZ FINISH LAZT

By adding another “z” to his last name, Zeke Zzzyzus (formerly Zzyzus) regained his status as the last name in the Montreal phone book. His competition for the honor: “Pol Zzyzzo” and “Zzzap Distribution.”

Charles Dickens accurately described dyslexia 40 years before it was officially recognized.

Ever wonder how bands and recording artists get their names? After some digging around, we found the stories behind these famous names
.

C
HEAP TRICK.
While fooling around with a Ouija board, the band asked it what they’d be having for dinner. The board spelled, “cheap trick.”

BREAD.
The group picked the name when they got struck in traffic behind a Wonder Bread truck.

MARILYN MANSON.
A combination of Marilyn Monroe and Charles Manson.

ALICE IN CHAINS.
One day band members were watching an episode of
The Honeymooners
. Ralph Kramden said he’d like to see his wife, Alice, in chains.

SOUNDGARDEN.
In the band’s hometown of Seattle, there’s a modern art structure called
A Sound Garden
that creates a low hum when the wind blows through its many pipes and hollows.

RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS.
The duo got their name when an audience member shouted, “Hey, that’s really righteous, brothers!”

DEEP PURPLE.
Named for the favorite song of guitarist Richie Blackmore’s grandmother, the 1963 hit “Deep Purple” by April Stevens and Nino Tempo.

HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH.
Singer Darius Rucker had two friends in his college choir with odd nicknames: Hootie (he had wide eyes like an owl) and Blowfish (he had puffy cheeks). Neither of them is in the band.

FLEETWOOD MAC.
A combination of the last names of the band’s founding members, Mick Fleetwood and John McVie.

MOBY.
The singer sometimes claims to be a descendant of Herman Melville, author of
Moby Dick
, but other times insists Moby is an acronym for “master of beats, y’all.”

Forest fires move faster uphill than downhill.

Ever heard of the
Dictionary of Occupational Titles
? It’s a product of the U.S. Department of Labor, listing more than 25,000 real job titles. In search of a new trade? Uncle Sam’s got some suggestions:

Flocculator Operator

Ripening-Room Attendant

Milk-of-Lime Slaker

Round-up-Ring Hand

Kier Dryer

Bed Rubber

Bologna Lacer

Bosom Presser

Bottom Buffer

Crown Pounder

Egg Smeller

Frickerton Checker

Nibbler Operator

Dog-Food Dough Mixer

Pickle Pumper

Retort Forker

Mutton Puncher

Queen Producer

Human Projectile

Subassembly Assembler

Animal Impersonator

Lap Checker

Hand Former Helper

Pantyhose-Crotch-Closing Machine Operator

Blind Hooker

Dead Header

Gore Inserter

Fish Flipper

Road-Hogger Operator

Dobbyloom Chainpegger

Cheese Cutter

Easter Bunny

Automatic Lump-Making Machine Tender

Boring Machine Setup Operator

Upsetter Setter-Up

Brain Picker

Fur Beater

Soiled Linen Distributor

Buzzle Buffer

Head Chiseler

Jawbone Breaker

End-Touching Machine Operator

Toe Puller

Tumor Registrar

Muck Boss

Guillotine Operator

Take-Down Inspector

Bean Dumper

Slubber Doffer

Gas Dispatcher

Largest fruit crop on Earth: Grapes (bananas are second).

Need proof that truth is stranger than fiction? It’s still sitting on a red bench in Terminal One of France’s Charles de Gaulle Airport
.

S
TUCK AT THE AIRPORT

In 1974 an Iranian student named Merhan Karimi Nasseri went to Great Britain to attend graduate school. There he demonstrated against the shah of Iran, and when he returned to Iran in 1977, he was thrown in jail. Later that year he was expelled from the country and told never to return. He bounced around Europe until 1981, when he was granted permanent refugee status by the United Nations High Commission for Refugees. After that he settled in Belgium.

Nasseri made his first big mistake in 1986, when he inexplicably mailed his refugee card (similar to a passport) back to the United Nations, thinking he didn’t need it anymore. He made his second mistake two years later, when, following a mugging on a Paris subway during which the rest of his travel documents were stolen, he decided to fly to London, even though he no longer had papers to prove who he was or that he had a right to travel in Europe.

Somehow Nasseri managed to talk his way onto a plane, but as soon as he arrived in London, British immigration officials sent him back to Paris. Police at Charles de Gaulle Airport arrested him for entering the country illegally. They couldn’t let him in the country, but since Nasseri didn’t have any papers, they couldn’t deport him, either. What could they do? Here’s what they decided to do: nothing. So Nasseri’s been at Charles de Gaulle airport ever since. His story is the inspiration for the film
The Terminal
.

KING OF THE FOOD COURT

For more than 15 years, Nasseri has made his home on a red plastic bench near the fast food restaurants and retail shops in the underground level of De Gaulle’s Terminal One. In some ways he looks like any other traveler—he dresses neatly and has his clothes dry-cleaned once a week. But he’s thin, his skin is pale, his eyes are sunken, and his cheeks are hollow. He looks like what he is: a guy who never gets any sunlight and has been living on airport food for years. In fact, the closest Nasseri ever gets to the great outdoors is when he stands next to the entrance, breathing in fresh air as the automatic doors open and close. He never steps beyond the doors.

In six moon missions, American astronauts brought home 843 pounds of lunar rock and soil.

RED TAPE

For the first few years in the airport, Nasseri was at the mercy of forces largely beyond his control. He couldn’t leave the airport and didn’t speak French—how was he going to replace his papers? A famous French human rights lawyer named Christian Bourget eventually took up his case, and in 1992 got a French court to rule that since Nasseri had entered the airport legally as a refugee, the French government couldn’t expel him from it. But the court didn’t have the power to force the government to let Nasseri step outside onto French soil, so he was still stuck.

That year Bourget also got U.N. officials in Brussels to issue Nasseri a new refugee card. But there was a hitch—the officials wanted Nasseri to appear in person to collect his card, so they could verify that he was who he said he was. But he couldn’t. For whatever reason, the Belgian government refused to let him in.

HIS OWN WORST ENEMY

In 1995 Belgian authorities finally relented and agreed to allow Nasseri to enter the country to pick up his documents from the United Nations, but it set two conditions: 1) Nasseri had to agree to move back to Belgium, where he’d lived in the 1980s, and 2) he had to agree to regular supervision by a Belgian social worker. After seven long years, Nasseri finally had a way out of the airport. So did he go to Belgium? No, he refused: he wanted to live in Great Britain, he explained, and no place else.