Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (49 page)

OPENING BID:
$1.00

ITEM:
One Package of 2 Krispy
^®
Original Saltine Crackers

DESCRIPTION:
“Seller reserves the right to eat this package of crackers at any time, and will replace said package with a suitable replacement. Buyer accepts all liability in case of irreversible product breakdown.”

OPENING BID:
$0.01

ITEM:
Bob Eubanks, host of TV’s
The Newlywed Game

DESCRIPTION:
“Buy Bob Eubanks and have him live with you. Is he the king of cool or what?!?!? How could you NOT bid on this item? Location: Beverly Hills, of course!!”

OPENING BID:
$0.01

ITEM:
$1.00—One dollar!

DESCRIPTION:
“One dollar bill, slightly used, ready for you to use! Works in most vending machines!”

OPENING BID:
$0.67 (Buyer pays 33¢ shipping & handling.)

30% of NBA players have tattoos.

ITEM:
Justin Timberlake’s French Toast

DESCRIPTION:
“This is Justin’s leftover french toast as eaten live on Z100 radio. You’ll get his half-eaten french toast, the fork he used, and the plate...complete with extra syrup!! Any bids over $1,000 will be verified by Z100 by phone for authenticity.”

OPENING BID:
$1.00

ITEM:
Fast Food Assistant Manager—Small Skill, Big Butt

DESCRIPTION:
“Known by many names such as Ass. Man., Hamburger Pants, Hamburglar, this lumpy boytoy can mess up your store’s paperwork, and be a useless, annoying, grunting womanizer too!!”

OPENING BID:
$0.50

ITEM:
My Dignity

DESCRIPTION:
“Winning bidder will receive a piece of paper that says, ‘My Dignity’ on it, with my signature. Warning: I may become a sad man after relinquishing my dignity.”

OPENING BID:
$2.00

ITEM:
Partially Used Pack of Cigarettes

DESCRIPTION:
“Hurry up and buy the remainder of my current pack of Parliament Lights. They’re going fast—I’m smoking them right now. NO RESERVE!”

OPENING BID:
$3.00

WINNING BIDS

Nail Clippings:
Reserve not met

Grandma:
$1,000,300

Meaning of Life:
$3.26

10 Fingers:
$0.01 (they turned out to be ladyfingers)

Melrose Place
Pool Water:
$7.99 (2 vials sold)

Turtle Poop:
No bids

Woodstock Air:
$9,999,999

Dog Hair:
No bids

Crackers:
$0.05

Bob Eubanks:
No bids

One Dollar:
$0.67

Justin’s French Toast:
$3,154

Assistant Manager:
No bids

My Dignity:
$10.50

Partially Used Pack of Cigarettes:
$10,000,000

This Old Hut: Bob Vila was a Peace Corps volunteer.

More proof that truth really is stranger than fiction
.

P
LEASE, MR. POSTMAN...

“A package marked ‘Warning, bomb!’, ‘Now you’ll have it!’ and ‘Look out!’ was delivered without a problem by the Swedish postal services. Postal service spokesman Mattias Geijerstam said Wednesday the agency was embarrassed, but explained that the package was delivered because postal workers were convinced it was a hoax. The package was forwarded to a local shop to be picked up by the addressee. He said workers at the local store read the labels and called police. It was examined and declared bomb-free after it was found to hold a pair of shoes.”

—
Manchester
(U.K.)
News

KNOCK-KNOCK

“A pair of prisoners at a British low-security jail escaped—only to knock on the door of a more secure prison nearby and ask to be detained there instead. The two reformed drug users fled from Leyhill prison near Gloucester because they found narcotics too easily available there. Audie Carr, 29, and Benjamin Clarke, 23, were found to be missing at roll call last Sunday night, but by Monday lunchtime they had knocked on the doors of Gloucester Prison 32 kilometers (19 miles) away. ‘They wanted to finish their sentences at Gloucester,’ a prosecution lawyer told the court.”

—ABC News

IT’S AN HONOR JUST TO BE NOMINATED

“
Awards World
magazine recently sponsored the ‘Awards Awards’ at London’s Dorchester Hotel, handing out awards to members of the British awards-presentation industry for the year’s best awards shows.
Awards World
editor Barbara Buchanan explained, ‘Every-body likes to win an award, even the people who give out awards.’ Buchanan (who staged about 1,000 major presentations in Britain last year) called this year’s program a success, but said it is disqualified from receiving any awards at next year’s Awards Awards.”

—BBC News

NO LAUGHING MATTER

Penicillin causes about 300 deaths per year in the United States.

“Members of a ‘laughter club’ in Patna, India, described the decision to ban laughing at their local zoo as ‘autocratic.’ Chuckling was outlawed after Laloo Prasad Yadav, the president of Bihar state’s ruling party, was angered by the group ‘merrily laughing in chorus’ when he walked past them in the Sanjay Gandhi Botanical Garden and Zoo. ‘You are disturbing the peace of the flora and fauna of the zoo,’ Laloo reportedly told the group, before issuing instructions to zoo officials to enforce an immediate ban. Laughter clubs, groups of people who gather to laugh loudly in public to relieve stress, are a phenomenon in parts of India.”

—The Economic Times

BLOCKHEAD

“A U.K. driver was pulled over by police in Surrey when they noticed him driving with a box (with eyeholes) over his head. He told police the foil lining protected him from the car’s electromagnetic emissions.”

—“The Edge,”
The Oregonian

EGG HEAD

“When Briton Malcolm Eccles, 50, died of bowel cancer, his family turned him into a kitchen aid. In accordance with his wishes, they keep his ashes in a specially crafted glass egg timer. ‘I can’t boil a soft egg to save my life,’ widow Brenda said, ‘so he said I should turn some of his ashes into an egg-timer. Then he could help me and it would be a nice way of remembering him.’”

—Wacky News

DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING

“A Chinese pensioner who exercises by walking backwards around a lake had to be rescued after he lost concentration and fell in.
China Daily
, quoting the
Beijing Times
, says Yan, 72, believes his daily routine of walking backwards around Bayi Lake is good for his health. But he was apparently counting his steps instead of checking his surroundings, miscalculated, and fell backwards. Three other fitness enthusiasts saved him and took him to the hospital, where he received three stitches on his head.”

—Daily Times
(Pakistan)

National flower of the United States: the rose, adopted in 1986.

Believe it or not, these laws are real
.

In Salem, West Virginia, it is illegal to leave home without knowing where you’re going.

In Tempe, Arizona, you may drink alcohol in a city park, but only if the park is three acres or larger.

You can possess one bear gall-bladder in California, but not two.

In Kentucky it is illegal for politicians to give away booze on Election Day.

Maine law states that you may not catch a lobster with your bare hands.

Funeral directors in Nevada can be arrested for cursing in the presence of a dead body.

In Washington, D.C., it’s against the law to marry your mother-in-law.

Wearing high-heeled shoes is legal in Carmel, California... but you need a permit.

It’s illegal to sleep naked in Minnesota.

Detroit law prohibits a man from scowling at his wife on a Sunday.

How many people in Victoria, Australia, does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he has to be a licensed electrician.

In Jonesboro, Georgia, it’s against the law to say, “Oh, boy.”

In Mesquite, Texas, children are prohibited from having “unusual haircuts.”

Exploding an atomic bomb in Chico, California, is punishable by a $500 fine.

In Arizona, donkeys may not, by law, sleep in bathtubs.

In Paulding, Ohio, it’s legal for a police officer to bite a dog.

It’s against the law in Chicago for “exceedingly ugly” people to appear in public.

In Huntsville, Alabama, you may not move your bed without a permit.

In Stockton, California, it’s illegal to wiggle while you dance.

In Michigan, it’s against the law to put a skunk in your boss’s desk. (Darn!)

The average adult has about 46 miles of nerves.

Inventor Dean Kamen holds over 150 patents for medical technology and social welfare devices. But it’s for his one major failure he’ll be remembered: the Segway
.

E
DISON REBORN?

Dean Kamen has been obsessed with the power of technology since he was a teenager. He never cared much for school, skipping homework to read complicated physics texts and create laser light shows. While still in high school, Kamen designed the audiovisual system at New York’s Hayden Planetarium and the New Year’s Eve Times Square ball drop. By 18, he was earning $60,000 a year, more than his father, an editor at
Mad
magazine.

He began inventing when his brother, a medical student, complained about how hard it was to administer intravenous drugs without having to keep patients constantly hospitalized. Solving his brother’s dilemma consumed his life—he was even kicked out of college for spending too much time on it. But by 1976, at age 25, Kamen had patented the Auto-Syringe: a pocket-size infusion pump that delivers a steady stream of medication, freeing patients from hospital beds. (Today it’s mostly used in insulin pumps for diabetics.) Kamen manufactured and marketed the device himself, and eventually sold his company for $5 million.

THE NEXT BIG THING

Barely 30 and a multimillionaire, Kamen took his money and created DEKA Research and Development. It was his dream job: companies would pay him to invent stuff. Under this arrangement, Kamen developed 150 devices, including a portable dialysis machine that freed patients with kidney diseases from constant visits to dialysis centers, and the IBOT, a robotic wheelchair that could climb stairs and raise its user to standing level. Following these successes, Kamen knew his next project would have to be nothing short of earth-shattering to meet expectations, especially his own.

For the better part of the decade, Kamen spoke very little about his next invention. The less he said, the more interest he generated in “It” (that was the codename). All Kamen would say was that It would revolutionize the world—and would “be to the car what the car was to the horse and buggy.”

The driver’s test was invented in France and originally included a vehicle repair section.

Science and technology magazines speculated wildly on what It might be: was It a personal hovercraft? A solar-powered engine? By 2000 no pictures or details had been released, although Kamen had been working on It (now being called “Ginger”) for almost ten years and had raised $90 million from investors.

Kamen opened up a little in early 2001: he talked about the potential impact of Ginger, but not the invention itself. He promised it would end urban congestion, air pollution, and oil dependency. Kamen leased a giant factory in New Hampshire set to produce 10,000 units a week to meet what was sure to be an insatiable demand.

WOW, IT’S A...SCOOTER

What could possibly live up to such hype? Unfortunately, not Ginger. Kamen finally unveiled his top-secret invention to end all inventions on
Good Morning America
in December 2001. The device’s real name was the Segway Human Transporter and it was...an electric scooter.

According to Segway Inc., the device was the “first self-balancing, electric-powered transportation device. With the ability to emulate human balance, the Segway HT uses the same space as a pedestrian, and can go wherever a person can walk.” Resembling a podium on wheels, the Segway ran on synchronized gyroscopes that constantly balanced the rider at speeds of up to 13 mph.

By and large, the public didn’t think a scooter had the capacity to alter world transport, nor was it worth the years of buildup or the $90 million investment. And there were all sorts of problems Kamen and his engineers didn’t foresee. Segways were banned from the narrow sidewalks of older cities like New York and Boston. They were far too expensive ($5,000) to make people give up their cars. But perhaps most importantly of all—they looked silly.