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I miss you every minute of every day. If I could miss you more than that, I would.

Jourdane Erasquin

I miss you every minute of every day. If I could miss you more than that, I would.

Jourdane Erasquin

15.3 Memories

Memory 424?

Then

“Guess what”

It was a cold Saturday evening and I'd just returned from basketball practice. Mom was making a guest list for her upcoming book club meet and dad was busy doing god knows what on his laptop. Kate was jumping around the room, screeching like a banshee.

"What", I asked, exasperated when no one else bothered, and immediately regretted it when she took her screeching levels to ultrasonic level.

“I, Katherine Tanner, got selected for the school’s play, merchant of Venice”, she screamed the last part out, then pirouetted around the central table.

"And what are you playing?" I asked, amused by the wacko.

“Nerissa”, she squealed, clapping her hands like a total nut job.

“I thought Nerissa was Portia’s maid”, I declared, toweling my face while trying to diminish her euphoria like a prototypical brother. It didn’t help one bit, and she continued to scream and dance while mom fixed me an intimidating glare.

“Huh. Typical pignorant response. She’s an important character. Plus she’s Gratiano’s lover in the play, but you’d know that if you ever bothered to read, you ignorant lout.”

“Yada yada, blah blah, congratulations young trouper. Where's Beth?"

Kate's smile slipped several notches at her mention, and my radar went up automatically.

“What, where’s Beth?” I asked, getting worked up by her weird doleful expressions.

"Beth won Portia. You should've heard her audition, Nick. She's a natural. You'd almost believe she's___anyways, she was happy about it, until she phoned uncle Cam to inform him of the interschool carnival and tell him about the play. But uncle Cam was busy and he declined on account of some trillion dollar deal", she finished distastefully, wrinkling her nose in after-thought.

Uncle Cam may not be the best of fathers, but he always made it a point to be there for Beth whenever she needed him. Of late, however, things were changing. Uncle Cam had been absenting himself more and more on account of business. He really needed to set his priorities straight, even though I knew he loved her in every way a father could.

“But where is she?” I repeated, imagining her brooding alone somewhere, and not liking it one bit.

“She’s at school, practicing", she emphasized the last word, confirming my doubts.

“When’s this carnival?” Dad asked, finally lifting his gaze from his laptop. Mom placed her lists on the table and went and sat beside dad.

"October twenty-first, on our foundation day. Our school is the host this year. This way, we'll have a month and a half for practice."

Our foundation day was 2 months away and was a much-anticipated event. More so, since the school was celebrating its golden anniversary by completing 50 awesome years in Cider valley, in lieu of which, a mile long list of activities had been planned to celebrate the occasion, much like high school musicals, the movie. All three combined.

“I’ll talk to Cam. He should make time for his only daughter. As far as we are concerned, we, all three of us will be there on front rows to clap on our daughter’s performance. Both our daughters. And then we have a basketball game to watch, huh?”

Right now I had more important things to do. Like picking Beth up from school and cheer her up with an ice cream cone, or a chocolate truffle pastry maybe, the flaky kind. Whatever it takes. With that in mind, I rushed out into the foyer, keys in hand.

"And remind that girl we'll be there for our Portia, and that we're proud of our girls", mom called out after me, making me smile.

Now

"I should be back in an hour or two", Beth whispers to everyone and no one in general, as she sits fidgeting with her coat buttons and wriggling her hands together in tandem.

It's Monday morning and we're having breakfast, or trying to have one. No one really bothered with the food much, but pretenses are necessary. Beth wanted normalcy in her life and we were all for what Beth wanted. So here we are, sitting at the dining table and playing with our forks, twirling the pasta and dissecting the omelets. Beth is flanked by uncle Cam on her left and dad on the right while I was sitting across her. Dad's been staring at his food like it was a medicinal weed, and mom's eyeballing us all and flipping her pancakes over and over. The house is eerily quiet and the anxiety levels were blasting through the stratosphere. Beth had an appointment with Doctor Gretchen, her former therapist and an associate of Doctor Hayden in an hour, but we had to discuss an important matter with her before that could happen. No one, however, was quite willing to broach the subject.

"Beth", dad begins, then clears his throat as those baby blues focus on him, "hmm, so, I was saying, that we would like to, that is, we all want to____", he stops abruptly and throws mom a quick pleading look. She places her small hands on his large agitated ones before carrying on softly, "Beth, we would like to go with you."

Beth must have read something in dad's eyes, because her tears begin to fall down her cheeks even before mom could finish the sentence. My heart is twisting inside my chest and my hands itch to jump across the table, lift her in my arms and take her some place away. Some place she'd be safe, some place alone, some safe haven where she'd never have to shed a tear. But I can't. I can only face those fears with her and offer my arms in comfort, relieve her of the burden of tears and anguish she carries inside her to whatever extent I can manage.

"Are you sure?" she speaks between tears while I squeeze her hands from across the table and uncle Cameron repeatedly pats her shoulders in mute support.

I know how difficult these sessions are for her. Uncle Cameron had informed us this morning that Beth was scheduled for a counseling today. He had also explained that the sessions would most likely take a toll on her psyche. Therapy was a part of her life for some time now, but she wasn't yet used to it, or comfortable enough to allow Uncle Cam to sit with her during the more difficult sessions, and Dr. Hayden was supposed to outline the agenda for each day before Beth could decide whether he'd sit in with her or out. She was afraid for two reasons, firstly she thought it'd be too much for him to bear, seeing his daughter in that state, and secondly she was a little scared of her own rage and didn't wish to hurt him physically during one of her episodes.

It was mom who finally manages to reassure her after wiping away her tears, "We are sure. We are family, aren't we? You deserve your family, just like we deserve to be with you".

“But, aunt______”

"Beth, I promise you we'll leave if it becomes more difficult than either of us can handle. I promise you. Okay?"

The matter is resolved, and Beth looks more hopeful for it, gaining something she had been missing the past few years. A family.

15.4 Memories

Memory 999

Then

2
^nd
February 2010

Beth, Beth, Beth,

Where the freaking hell are you? What is going on? I've tried your phone, but it's switched off for donkey's years. I try your email, but you don't respond. E-mailing you has become a daily ritual, only I get no peace when I finish writing it. My mind is so fixated with my inbox, I’d probably jump out of my skin at this point if your message were to pop up. Please duchess, please, tell me where you are? Tell me if you’re okay. I know it sounds pathetic, god knows it looks pathetic with me finally resorting to a letter, but I’m losing my sanity here.

Nick

Ps- I love you. I know it sounds corny, but there you are. I’m willing to not strangle you for not replying my emails. Just please give me a call as soon as you read it. LOVE YOU.

14
^th
February 2010

THIS IS ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY RIDICULOUS.

Either my letter wasn't delivered to you, and that'd better be the case, or you're just not replying to me. In which case I'll just lose my shit. Whatever I've managed to hold on to until now. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? Dad tried calling uncle Cam but just like yours, his is either switched off, or out of reach. Out of FREAKING reach. God. Have you guys migrated to another planet without informing us? The good news is I've gotten everybody worked up over this, and now I'm not the only one whose losing sleep. Which is good, cause I've always been anti-lone sufferer. Come back to me, I love you Beth, but I'm going insane here.

Ps- here's my heart. Take very good care of it. Yeah. yeah, I know it's printed. You should have seen the one I drew before this. Actually, I'm glad you didn't, I'd never hear the end of it.

Happy Valentine’s Day, duchess. I love you, always

Nick

2
^nd
March 2010

I don't understand. I just don't. The mail service is adamant about delivering my letters to your address. They even showed me the receipts when I threatened to collar their manager. I don't want to believe this, but you leave me no choice. Are you willingly ignoring me, Beth? Is this why you haven't been responding to my emails? Is that it? What did I do wrong duchess? Where did I go wrong? Is it because of that stupid Christmas argument? It's probably my fault, whatever it is, but we’ll figure it out, I promise. Just call me back, just one call. Dad and mom shouldn’t have to suffer for my stupidity. Kate has been cursing me nonstop. Is it because I was pissed at you for leaving me? Is it because I was angry to see you go? Or because I refused to say goodbye? Whatever it is, we'll make it work, I love you, Beth, I love you, come back to me. I'm sorry sweetheart, I'm sorry. Whatever it is, we'll work it out. Just give me a chance. Let me hear your voice. I’m getting desperate here.

Ps- I love you, only you, forever you,

Nick.

20
^th
March 2010

Every day that passes by, every day that you don’t call, something dies within me. Some sliver of hope, some fragment of peace fractures inside me. And all that I come up with is a question. Why? Why are you making me suffer? Why are you doing this to us? Have you forgotten us? Our kisses, our smiles, those walks down the lane when the clouds poured on us, and our hearts were filled to the brim? Those cookies we stole for hidden picnics? Those songs we listened to, when we couldn’t sleep for wanting. I cannot believe you have, I won’t believe it. I’m holding onto hope with both hands, I’m never letting it all go, cause without hope, I’m nothing, we’re nothing. I love you, Beth. You probably don't care at this point, but purging my love on this sheet of paper is the only measure of peace I allow myself. Come back Beth, even if you don't love me anymore. It'll be okay, I promise. Just come back.

Desperately waiting for you to come back

Nick

20
^th
April 2010

I thought something was wrong with you. I’d even convinced myself that something awful had happened to you. So I went chasing after you with my dad, the stupid loser that I am, and what do I find when I finally reached your home? I find that you’re out vacationing in Hawaii. I find you in perfect shape, eating soup and watching TV in between clicking away snapshots on the beach and sending it to Grandma Nettie’s cell phone, who is more than willing to show them all to me. I find myself dying inside, choking on the glass of water she shoved down my throat, as a scream builds inside me. A scream I trap inside me, a scream I'll never let out. I find all the love I had for you, all the hope I had for us, all the dreams I built around us shrivel up and die a painful death inside me as she hands me your reply to all my letters. And I find myself capable of a new unfelt emotion where you're concerned. Hatred.