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I won’t post this to you. I’ll keep it with myself to serve as a reminder, of the consequences of falling so desperately in love with someone who isn’t willing to love you back, isn’t capable of returning the sentiments. Of the utter helplessness that dwells inside you when you love someone this badly, only to have her throw it back on your face, telling you that this ‘thing' was getting too serious for her, that she didn't want to trap herself at sixteen, wanted to see the world, make new friends, pick up a few boyfriends on the way whom she could brag about in college. That she didn't want to return to me, to this house, to the mundane trappings of a family.

No one could love you like me, Beth. No one will hate you more.

Now

“I’m not fit for human company anymore”.

"Bullshit".

“I should know better than this. I should’ve known just what I’m capable of during my episodes.”

"At the risk of repeating myself, bullshit."

Dr. Gretchen had arranged for a session this morning, our third one so far. The first was relatively mild, but the second one had taken a toll on mom and Kate who had tried very hard to endure it stoically, only to throw up in the good doctor's washroom an hour later when Beth fainted on the floor after a particularly gruesome session. Uncle Cam had flown in Dr. Hayden this morning since Beth was comparatively more comfortable, and definitely more familiar with him.

Dr. Hayden wasn't what I'd expected him to be. Instead of a stodgy bald and homey face I'd imagined, Dr. Hayden was an exceptionally athletic and nice looking guy, who could have easily passed off as Robert Downey Junior, the second. He was also exceptionally observant, and had ushered mom and Kate out of the room as soon as he saw their faces. The next few minutes were spent in the observation room where Dr. Hayden had outlined the focus of today's session, viz, positive reinforcement. He asked Beth to focus on a happy memory and draw it on a sheet of paper while I sat in attendance. Uncle Cam had briefly objected to my presence, more like his absence, but had calmed down when Dr. Hayden assured him that my presence was more helpful to this therapy.

Needless to say, it hadn't gone as planned.

In the middle of humming and drawing our favorite memories, Beth had started to shake wildly, while her fingers continued their furious scrawl on the paper oblivious to the alarming gazes Dr. Hayden sent her way. When I'd attempted to take that sheet from her, she had yanked her hands away in panic and lifted the glass side piece in a sudden act of defense, fuelled with terror.

And now from the looks of it, the foolish girl is berating herself for something that wasn't her fault, an act of defense that had been instinctive, natural.

"Why do you punish yourself, duchess, why do you overburden yourself? No one is to blame in this". There is no way I'm letting her punish herself for this. Knowing her penchant to blame herself for every

little detail that goes wrong during the sessions, I know she'll start alienating herself from me in no time.

“Blame? Nick, I could have thrown that vase on your face. I could’ve seriously hurt you. You could’ve been injured because of me. How am I not to blame? Dr. Hayden knows better than to let someone else in on my sessions. I’m not completely sane half of the time, for God sake. What was he thinking?”

"If you insist on calling yourself names, you should know you're not the only loon in the house. Had you thrown it on my face, I would've ducked. I have excellent reflexes. There was a reason why Dr. Hayden wanted me there with you. I had it under control, and I always will. I won't let you hurt yourself or anyone else. Your doctor can trust me, but you obviously don't."

"Nick, it's not about trust, I____ you don't understand", she exhales, clenching her hands into tight fists. I could've done anything, given everything, to spare her this pain, but I know I have to make her believe in me, in us, for this to work.

"Beth", I murmur, palming her tear streaked face with my hands, and gently brush away her tears, my thumb lingering on her soft lower lip. I gaze into her pain-filled eyes while my thumb continues its exploration, until the pain is replaced with something else, something akin to relief and desire mingled together in an alluring amalgam.

"Make me understand, Beth. I want to know. You won't talk to me about it, and I understand how difficult it is for you to do so. But you have to let me in. And you have to accept the fact that I am here to stay. I'm not going anywhere." I implore tenderly, still holding her gaze, and place a gossamer soft kiss on her parted lips, silently willing her to understand the depth of my need for her. It isn't a whim or a fleeting fancy. She was basic survival, as necessary as breath, as vital as life.

"No one said that it’ll be easy. But I’ll do anything to make it easier. I love you, Beth", I murmur, lifting my lips slowly to look at her. Her eyes are closed in quiet surrender, long lashes fanning those beautiful eyes, the gateway to her soul and the portal to my world. How did I ever contemplate life without her? I go back to her lips and keep them thoroughly occupied for some time.

"Memories", I gasp, dragging my lips away from hers to take deep lungfuls of air. She looks equally out of it, breathing heavily and choking on her breath. I had intended to take it slow with her, but one look at her and my resolve turned to a puddle of mush at her feet.

"Memories", I repeat once I had swallowed enough air to be able to speak coherently.

“That’s why I was looking for you”.

“Huh?”

“Dr. Hayden wanted to focus on happy ones this morning. Something about positive reinforcement. And we have a long way to go, together. But right now, I want a silly one, one I do not know, one we haven't yet shared, one which is funny and dopey and senseless, and makes you laugh ", I explain.

She scrunches her nose at that, giving me an irritated look. "So, you'll be playing shrink now", she exclaims and tries to wiggle away. So I pick her up and put her exactly where I want her. On my lap.

“Not so fast, kiddo. And no, no shrink. One session is more than enough. The silly ones are for my own personal collection. There's no way I'd play doctor, I do not have that kind of patience and you know it. Now out with it."

She just rolls her eyes, laying it on thick with an over exaggerated sigh before shrugging and adding, "Okay, fine. But don't blame me if you fail to appreciate the ‘
silly
’ memory. Because it truly is silly.”

“Go on. I’m curious.”

“Killed the cat.”

“Huh?”

"Nothing", she skahes her head " Anyways, do you remember Gabriella?"

I did. She was my high school girlfriend. For a very very brief time. Come to think of it, it was way too brief and had ended rather abruptly. Where could she be going with this? I decide to find out by nodding my head in affirmative and waving for her to continue.

"So, one day after a surprise trig test, courtesy of Miss Tamara, I made my way towards the cafeteria with Kate and Drew, and walked in on you
French
kissing Gabriella in front of the masses, educating the ignorant on lessons in love making.”

Oops. I really didn’t have a safe response to that. Rock and a hard place. I quickly down a glass of water to disguise my grin.

"Needless to say, I wasn't overjoyed at the sight. So I decided to take matters in my own hands. Next day, I followed her during school, letting her know, very discreetly, of course, that you had caught
herpes
from your previous patootie."

I choke loudly, spurting water like a leeway pipe, frantically wiping my nose and mouth as she thumps my back with a dopey grin on her face. It was unbelievable, the way this girl's mind worked. And here I'd believed all these years that my girl was the epitome of innocence. Innocent my ass!!

I glare at her in between boughts of coughing and choking, and she quickly draws a few locks of hair in front of her face, making a curtain. But not quickly enough to hide the cheeky as hell grin.

“Herpes,
really
? I cannot believe this. YOU sabotaged my reputation with an STD as payback for my kissing my girlfriend. My God Beth! no wonder she broke up with me the next day."

“It was Labialis, it doesn’t require sex." When I didn't reply to that, she adds "Trust me, I felt guilty", courteous enough to hold back the sheepish grin that was threatening her lips. Because I wanted to watch that smile bloom, I remark, "I can see that. I suppose I should thank you for having stuck with my lips, at least you spared me genital herpes."

She purses her lips in a hopeless attempt to refrain herself, and fails quickly, much to my delight.

"Oh____ I was___ I was___very guilty___ damn it." After a few minutes of breathless uninterrupted laughter, she adds, "I really did feel bad, so I decided to set things straight with her. I thought I'd apologize to her, stating a misunderstanding of sorts, and maybe beg her to not tell you about this. And I would've too, but__",

"But?" I question softly, staring into the deep blue of her eyes.

"But", she whispers softly, not breaking eye contact, "when I reached school, I realized neither your reputation nor your prospects had dwindled as I witnessed you sucking face with Brittany at the parking lot”.

Now it was my turn to laugh. She looked so cute, all righteous anger and indignation at my teenage horniness, I wanted to pick her up, set her on my bed, and spend the next hour or so indulging my lust in a full blown make out session with her. Since I couldn't do that, I settle on caressing my cheeks with the back of her fingers after a placing a kiss on the center of her palm.

"Duchess, teenage boys are the randiest race on our planet. It was a phase when everything came down to the physical. For all the kisses you had the misfortune to witness, I had never progressed to anything beyond kisses with any of them. It was only ever you.”

"But you had a new arm candy every month", she questions, incredulous at the revelation.

“Sure, to prove myself a stud. Teenage boys are also exceptionally silly. At least most of them are. And I obviously couldn’t kiss you, despite my badly wanting to.”

"Why?" she asks a little too quickly, and I laugh at her earnest expression.

"Because, you were mine to protect, to care for, and to safeguard from perv schmucks such as myself. But you weren't
mine
to kiss. Picture an 8-year-old boy who was decreed by his father in solemn tones to look after a five-year-old girl, to befriend and hold dear and love her like a sister. Now picture him growing up and falling for that same girl, longing for glances and craving her smiles, wanting to hear her voice first thing in the morning, wanting to touch her skin every possible opportunity, hunting for excuses to hold her hand, just to help her cross the road or teach her how to ball dance, wanting to hug the hell out of her during school just to tell other wackos that she was taken. That she was mine. My parents had drummed into me how you were my responsibility, and here I was, not yet 16 and lusting after my so called sister."

“But I wasn’t your sister.”

"So I now know, after my exceptionally observant mother sat me down one fine evening and told me there was nothing wrong with the way I felt about you, that it was innocent and true and beautiful, and was perfectly fine so long as it stayed innocent until we were both old and mature enough to act on it. It was like a burden being lifted from my shoulders, since holding back had become a Sisyphean task, and I was convinced I'd land up in the darkest pits of hell for having lustful thoughts about you."

She grins softly, lost in thought and old memories. And I hate, absolutely loathe myself for what I was about to do next, but it had to be done.

"Beth", I speak gently, not willing to diminish the soft glow brought on by that smile, yet knowing that I had to. I never would've found the gumption to force the next set of words out of my mouth, unless I was convinced I absolutely had to. And I absolutely had to this time.

"It's time for a sad memory now".

"Huh?"

"I need those letters Beth", I explain patiently, and watch that smile disappear in a cloud of gloom.

"What letters", she asks, getting off my lap. I want to hold her tight, want to crush her to my chest. I could've carved out a place inside my body and hid her there forever, away from all the brutality, if I could. But I know I cannot, just like I know I have to giver her some space, how much ever I may hate it. She has to face her demons, and I want to be there for her every step of the way.

“You wrote me letters. Uncle Cam told me. You heard Dr. Hayden ask me to familiarize myself with some particulars if I don’t want to continue being surprised by every piece of information that’s new to me.”

She doesn't speak a word and I almost bail. Her face turns white and her body trembles against mine, and I can do nothing but watch it happen, nothing but hold her against me as she relives those moments while I force myself to continue, "You were contemplating suicide___ You were willing to kill yourself at some point, and I was about to commit murder on the unsuspecting doctor for coming up with such ridiculous notions, when Uncle Cam interrupted and informed me it was true. And I felt such a multitude of emotions coming up and choking me, I didn't, couldn't keep a handle on them. I cannot afford to lose my shit Beth, or Dr. Hayden will kick me out of the program."