“Or is it her son you love?”
Staci pulled the phone away from her ear. She felt the answer to that question wasn't any of Malcolm's business, but didn't voice the words.
“Staci,” Malcolm called out when she didn't respond.
“What did you call me for?” she finally said.
“I called to tell you that I miss you.” His voice was gentle and soothing again. “I was hoping we could hang out. Maybe catch a movie.”
Staci rolled her eyes as if he could see her. “Malcolm, I have a house full of grieving relatives, and you want me to catch a movie with you? Are you sure you're smart enough to be a stockbroker?”
After a pregnant pause, Malcolm apologized. “I'm sorry if I came off the wrong way. It's just that I'm worried about you. I know you have spent the past week tending to the needs of your family. I want to be the one who attends to your needs. I know you're tired, and I thought you could use a break, that's all.”
Lately Malcolm had a strange way of showing his concern for her, but at least he was concerned about her, unlike her husband.
“That's nice of you, but I can't leave.” Someone knocked on the door. “I have to go.” She ended the call and flushed the toilet, then turned the water on to give the illusion she had been using the restroom.
Staci opened the door and saw Derrick standing there and instantly felt guilty. The look in his eyes when he saw the cell phone in her hand told her he knew exactly what she had been doing.
“I'm going to drive Keisha to the airport.” Keisha's new job only allowed her seven days of bereavement leave. “I'll be back later. The caterer is looking for you,” he said, never addressing the issue of the phone conversation with Malcolm.
“Okay,” she said and started to walk past him, but he turned so that they were both stuck in the doorway, forcing her to look up at him.
“Derrick, will you move so I can get by?” She tried to sound irritated, but felt too ashamed to be effective.
“In a minute, but first there's something I need to say to you.”
“What is it?” She looked away from him and shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Being this close to him with no one else around made her uneasy.
Derrick moved in closer and turned her head back to his and stroked the side of her face. “Thank you for everything. I'm sorry to say, but as always, you have been better to me than I have been to you.” She took a step back, so that now she was leaning against the door frame. She both loved and hated his touch.
“Stacelyn,” he whispered softly and moved in even closer. “I love you so much.”
She opened her mouth to argue the point, but before she could get one word out, his lips were massaging hers ever so softly, just the way she liked it.
“No!” she tried to scream, but the words were trapped inside her head, along with the command telling her body to move away. She moaned faintly, and as if they had a mind of their own, her lips parted even more and fully welcomed him, holding him captive in one of the most passionate kisses they'd ever shared.
For a short while, Staci put the last year of her life out of her mind and enjoyed the feel of her husband holding her and kissing her, cherishing her. The longer they kissed, the more relaxed she felt. By their own accord, her hands traveled up his body and around his neck and began playing with his thick curls. Derrick deepened the kiss and Staci's knees buckled. He steadied her by lifting her body to his and squeezing her tightly. If Keisha hadn't interrupted them, there's no telling what would have happened in that doorway.
The feel of Staci's arms around him and the warmth of her mouth helped Derrick forget that she was just on the phone with the “other man.” Her response confirmed for him that she still wanted him and that there was hope for reconciliation.
“I'll be right out,” Derrick said to Keisha, trying to steady his breath after his younger sister told him she would be waiting in the car for him.
“We'll talk later,” he said to his wife after kissing her again, then slowly backing away from her.
Staci's mind was so mixed up all she could do was nod. One question boggled her mind:
How could he still have that effect on me after what he's done?
She knew the answer. She still loved him and always would. Hearing him say the words she longed to hear for so long was all it took to make her temporarily forget about his shortcomings and enjoy his passion.
Staci splashed water on her face before she went looking for the caterer.
“Looks like the making up process has already started,” her mother said when she rejoined everyone on the patio.
“What are you talking about, Mama?”
Alaina smiled. “Your face is flushed, and Keisha told me she caught you guys making out in the bathroom.”
Staci shook her head. “Mama, it wasn't all that.” She blushed.
“If you'd like, I can have Craig drive Keisha to the airport. Julia and I can tend to the guests, and Derrick can take you upstairs and make you scream.” Alaina caught the attention of several guests when she laughed out loud. “I'll even turn the music up so no one can hear you,” she whispered.
For the first time in a long time, Staci laughed at the thought of Derrick making her scream. “Mama, just pray for us.” As soon as the words left her mouth, Staci realized praying for her marriage was something she hadn't done in a long time, a very long time, not since hooking up with Malcolm. “God, please help us,” she softly, yet sincerely, prayed.
Chapter 30
With everyone gone and business settled with the caterer, an exhausted Staci headed upstairs to the serenity of her bedroom. While removing her earrings, her eyes fell on Miss Cora's obituary that lay on her dresser. Staci had been so busy with making arrangements and supporting Derrick, she hadn't had time to work through her own grief.
From day one, Miss Cora had been like a second mother to her. Even when Staci and Derrick began having problems, Miss Cora never blamed Staci for their problems. In fact, she always told her, “Baby, I know my son is off, but if you can hang in there with him until he works through his issues, he'll make you a good husband.”
Staci removed her shoes and stretched across her bed and reflected on more of her conversations and interactions with her mother-in-law. Staci cried when she thought about how much she was going to miss her mother-in-law, then laughed out loud when she reminisced on the day Derrick accidentally slammed Miss Cora's front door, and she came running out of the house waving a baseball bat at him.
“You may be big, but this bat is the equalizer! Slam my door again and I'll knock you farther than a Barry Bonds's homerun!”
Derrick didn't know she owned a bat. All he could say was, “I'm sorry.”
Staci had just returned from the bathroom where she had showered and changed into a nightshirt when Derrick entered the room. Immediately, she used her arms to cover herself.
Derrick smiled his admiration of her body through the transparent sheerness of the material.
“Did Keisha's flight leave on time?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“How is she?” Staci wanted to divert his attention away from her. She sensed Derrick wanted to finish what he'd started earlier in the downstairs bathroom, but Staci wasn't having it. She went into the bathroom and returned wearing a robe.
“It may take awhile, but she'll be fine,” Derrick answered and sat down in the chair adjacent to the bed.
Staci sat on the bed and looked around the room at nothing in particular. Derrick watched her every move. They sat there quietly, not knowing what to say to each other. They had known each other for almost eight years and had been married for eighteen months. But it seemed they didn't know what to say to each other now that they were alone in their bedroom.
“Staci, we need to talk,” Derrick finally broke the silence.
Staci already knew he wanted to discuss the future of their marriage, but after the kiss they shared earlier, she wasn't sure she could have an objective conversation with him.
“What do you want to talk about?” She finally made eye contact with him.
Derrick leaned forward in the chair and took her hands into his. “I'm ready to work on our marriage. I'm ready to be a husband to you.”
The sincerity in his voice touched her in a place she thought had closed long ago. But she wasn't ready to open up, not just yet. “Derrick, so much has happened, I don't know if that's possible.”
“Staci, nothing has happened that can't be fixed. I know I made mistakes, and I've hurt you deeply. But, I'm ready to make restitution to you. I've settled the issues with my insecurities.”
Staci's head jerked upward. This is the first time she'd heard him admit his insecurities.
“I know who I am now, and I accept me, just the way I am.” He brought her hands to his mouth and kissed them. “I love you, and I'm ready to be your husband. I look forward to it.”
Staci reclaimed her hands, then walked over to the window. The red taillights and white headlights going in and out of the Caldecott Tunnel only added to her blurred vision. Derrick had finally released the healing balm for her broken heart, but she couldn't apply the ointment.
“I don't know if I'm ready for this,” she answered honestly.
Derrick stood directly behind her with his arms folded, appearing suddenly ready for a confrontation.
“Staci, what is the full extent of your relationship with Malcolm?”
Staci whirled around. “What?”
“Have you or are you now sleeping with him?”
“Why?”
“I need to know if he's the reason you're not ready. I need to know if there's a second party competing for your heart.”
Staci hesitated before she answered, not sure of how much she wanted to reveal to her estranged husband about her outside relationship. She decided to just lay everything out on the table. She had nothing to hide. She's wasn't the one who walked out; he was.
“Staci, answer me,” Derrick insisted.
“No, Derrick, I didn't sleep with Malcolm.” She heard Derrick exhale loudly. “But I almost did,” she finished.
Staci watched her husband's face distort with both shock and hurt. She quickly suppressed the satisfied smile that threatened to light her face.
Derrick stood frozen and attempted to reject the truth. Despite all of their problems, the thought of Staci in the arms of another man had never occurred to him until he saw her with Malcolm. He'd just assumed that while he was gone, she would just patiently wait for him to get himself together. Isn't that what a good, saved wife is supposed to do?
In the four months they'd been separated, he'd thought about being unfaithful. Rhonda was more than willing, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything because he loved Staci too much, and he had made a commitment to God. Derrick had to admit, though, that his commitment to God was shaky at best and wasn't enough to keep him at home with his wife.
“Staci, how could you? How could you even think of doing such a thing?”
Staci dropped her hands and glared at him. Derrick had the audacity to stand there and pretend to be the victim. Had he forgotten that he was the one who treated her with little regard, and then walked out on her because she couldn't get pregnant? If he had, she was certainly going to remind him.
“How could I?” Staci placed her hand on her hip. “Derrick, that was easy after the way you've treated me.”
“What are you talking about? I mean, I know I've been gone for four months, but you knew that was only temporary. Didn't you?”
“Derrick, please. You may have physically left this house four months ago, but you left me a long time ago. To be honest, you have never really been here, at least not with me.”
“Staci, what are you talking about? Up until four months ago, I was here every day.”
She inhaled while trying to figure out a way to say the words without falling apart. “Since our honeymoon eighteen months ago, you've treated me like I was nothing more than a baby-making machine. The only time you touched me was on the days you figured I was ovulating and would conceive.” She bowed her head and took another deep breath, determined to get everything she'd been holding in all this time out into the open.
“Derrick, did you even notice that I didn't enjoy the times we were intimate? Of course, you didn't notice,” she said, shaking her head. “The only person you care about is yourself. Do you notice how you never refer to me as your wife? It hurt when you introduced me as Staci, and not your wife, to the employee that would love to give you some personal bedside care, if she hasn't already. Did you notice that up until today, you've only told me you love me three other times since our wedding day?”
The reality of those words broke Staci, and she had to turn away from him. She refused to let him see her cry over his abuse. “You're the one who stopped complimenting me and talking to me. When I didn't get pregnant, you stopped spending time with me, and then you left me. I don't even know where you have been living for the past four months. You vowed to love me forever, and then you left me. You never wanted me; all you wanted me for was a baby.”
Her honest words shredded his heart. Derrick couldn't deny her summation of their marriage, but he needed to explain to her why he treated her the way he had. “Staci, I've always loved you.”
She faced him and screamed, “Then why did you leave me?”
Derrick leaned back against the wall; he didn't have an answer good enough.
“Why did you put me in the position of wanting and needing the attention of another man? I only started spending time with Malcolm after you rejected me. I needed to feel like a woman again, and he helped me to do that by giving me the attention and respect and support I should have gotten from you.”
Derrick remained stuck to the wall, watching Staci cry and in shock at the realizations she'd just brought to his attention. Everything she said was true. He had just refused to see it for what it was.
“You blame me for us not being able to have another baby. You think it's my fault because I aborted our first baby without telling you.”
“No, I don't,” he contested.
“Yes, you do, Derrick.” She walked back to the bed and sat down, drained. “I know it doesn't matter to you, but it took me a long time to get over what I'd callously done. To this day, I wonder what it would have been like if we would've had a daughter with my curly hair or a son with your eyes. But I'll never know, and that's something I have to live with.” Her face dripped with tears when she finally asked her husband, “God forgave me. Why couldn't you?”
Derrick turned away from her. He couldn't look her in the face when he revealed to her the real reason why he had been so adamant about conceiving another baby. At that moment, he regretted the decision he'd made more than he did deceiving her all this time.
When Derrick turned away from her, Staci took that as him rejecting her again. She sighed, absorbing yet another blow.
“Derrick, please leave,” she asked calmly. “It's been a long day for both of us, and I don't want to talk about this anymore.” Staci leaned back against the pillows with her eyes closed, wondering how it would feel to be a single woman again. At twenty-eight and attractive, she wouldn't have a hard time getting a man's attention. Malcolm Leblanc was proof of that. She wondered if Derrick would want to sell the house or would he sign the deed over to her? How would they split their stocks and bonds and real assets, the cars?
“Staci, I knew,” Derrick's somber voice interrupted Staci's mental preliminary divorce proceedings.
“You knew what?” she opened her eyes, but didn't look at him.
Derrick turned around slowly. “I knew about the abortion,” he said and lowered his head.
“What?” Staci said, sitting up straight.
“I heard you on the phone making the appointment at the clinic the week before.”
Staci was at a loss for words at Derrick's revelation. All this time, she'd thought he'd been oblivious to her selfish plan.
“I knew when and where you were planning on having the procedure. I even followed you there on the day of your appointment.”
Staci shook her head from side to side. “Why didn't you say something?”
“I sat in the parking lot the entire time trying to get up the courage to go inside and stop you.”
“Why didn't you come inside?” Staci stood and walked over to him and tried to look in his face, but he wouldn't allow her eye contact.
“Staci, I was scared and confused.”
“So was I, Derrick!”
“I've hated myself ever since that day. I hated myself for not being man enough to stop you from aborting our child. I've hated myself for becoming a coward like my father. I couldn't live with myself. That's why I left the first time.”
Staci thought back to the yearlong breakup after the abortion. “That night, after the procedure, when I told you, you sat in my apartment and pretended to be shocked and angry. You said you couldn't be with me anymore, because you didn't trust me. You called me evil!”
“I said that because that's how I felt about myself. In order to deal with it, I placed the blame on you. I put my energy into blaming you so I wouldn't have to deal with myself,” he said and finally met his wife's gaze.
Staci took a step backward. She wanted to get away from him. “Why did you marry me?”
“I wanted another chance at fatherhood. I figured if we got married, and then had a baby, God would be pleased. The guilt would go away, and everything would be fine.” Then he added after a pause, “And because I love you, Staci. I've never stopped loving you.”
“You don't know anything about love!” she screamed. “You have made my life a living hell because you love me? You placed your inability to stand up and be a responsible man on me. Then you walked out on our marriageâall because you love me? You left me open and vulnerable and wounded because you love me? Derrick, get out!” She pointed to the door. He didn't move, so she ran up and pushed him. “Get out!”
He stilled her arms. “Staci, I told you, I love you, and I'm ready to come home.”