Unspeakable Truths (14 page)

When it does come to an end Luca makes sure to give it back to me, and we spend the next hour riding as many rides as we can. I purposely crash into him in bumper cars, and he lets me when I know that he could have easily rammed my car a time or two. He forces me to ride on the mini roller coaster even after I tell him that I hate roller coasters. I scream the whole time and when the ride is over, he makes me ride it again. Strangely enough the second time around I enjoy it more, so much so that I laugh as I scream.

“How’s about a cliché bear?” he says heading over to the water gun game.

“Cliché?”

“Yeah, you know, no one can leave a fair without at least attempting to win a bear.”

“Ohh, right. Okay, how ‘bout I play against you?”

“I’m good with that. You aim your gun there,” he points to the target. “Your light will start to go up, whoever gets to the top first wins.”

I roll my eyes as I sit on the stool picking up my water gun and aiming it at the mouth of a very creepy clown. “I already knew all that but thanks for the recap.”

“Alright smartass, just don’t expect me to take it easy on you, I’m not the type of guy who would just let you win.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to.”

The buzzer sounds alerting us that the game is starting, and my gun starts to shoot water. I adjust my aim and focus as my light starts to rise. My cheeks hurt, I’m smiling so hard and when the buzzer rings again signaling that someone has won, I look up to see that it’s me.

“I won?” I squeal, looking over at Luca who’s biting back a grin.

“You won.”

“You let me win,” I accuse, as I shove his shoulder.

His hands go up in surrender. “No, I didn’t. You actually won, I can’t fucking believe it either.” I cross my arms over my chest, not sure if I actually believe him but his eyes never leave mine. “Pick your prize.”

I turn away from him and look up at the row of bears, pointing toward a big fluffy brown one. The attendant gets him down and I thank her as she hands him to me. We begin to walk again and impulsively I shove the bear into Luca’s hands.

He looks down on me in confusion. “What’s this?”

“Well I won him, so I’m giving him to you.”

“You’re giving him to me?”

“Yeah, if you had won you would’ve given him to me right?”

“Right.”

“Okay, so instead I’m giving him to you.”

He stares at me for a beat before throwing his head back and laughing. The kind of laugh you feel going right through you warming you up from the inside out.

“Well thank you Ev. I’ll make sure I take good care of him.”

“You do that.” I resume walking with a grin on my face and Luca falls in line right next to me.

“You ready to eat?”

“Yes. I’m starving now.”

“Starving? We can’t have that. What are you in the mood for?”

“Can we do cheese steaks?”

“Is that even a serious question? Do I look like the kind of guy that would say no to a cheese steak?”

I giggle before I reply, “No, you don’t. I should have known better.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Huh?”

“You didn’t know better. You know it occurred to me, we’ve known each other for a long time, and we don’t know anything about each other do we.”

“We weren’t exactly friends.”

“I know, and that’s my fault. I’m sorry that I didn’t take the time to get to know you. It was just…it wasn’t really anything to do with you, it was more me, my own issues.”

“When I met you, I thought you were a nice guy.”

“I am a nice guy,” he declares using his thumb and his forefinger to tip my chin up. “Will you let me show you?”

My heart rate picks up as I try to catch my breath. I struggle to speak and instead nod my head in acceptance. There’s a big part of me that does want to get to know him. I want to see who the real Luca is, and I’m suddenly all for him to show me. We take our food and find an empty picnic table to sit down at. We eat in silence, enjoying each other’s company, and I don’t think of anything other than this—this night, this fair, the company I’m keeping. I don’t think about my job, my house, or my dead husband. The only thing I know is that being here tonight makes me happy, and I never thought it would happen, but I like being here with Luca. I like the time I’ve spent with him, because while I’m with him, even if only for a little while, I can forget that I’m not okay.

I did something immensely stupid when Luca dropped me off last night. He walked me to the door and instead of saying goodnight and being done with it, I asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner and a movie tonight. He didn’t hesitate before saying yes, didn’t even have to think about it. He agreed as if it were the best offer he’d ever received and that made me get that warm feeling I’d been experiencing throughout the night all over again.

I didn’t dream of Tyler last night, I didn’t even dream of Luca. I went through my nighttime routine, and when I hit the bed I fell asleep with no problems. It’s been weeks since that happened; I was beginning to think I was never going to have a peaceful night again. I went to the grocery store and picked up all of the ingredients for my lasagna recipe and a loaf of Italian bread. On my way home I made an impromptu stop at the liquor store and picked up a bottle of Chianti, which I was told would be great paired with lasagna.

With all of that I had no time to question why I was going through all this effort for a night with Luca. I had no time to question why I took extra time to make sure the lasagna had three different types of cheese, or why I made it extra meaty. I didn’t question why I made garlic bread from scratch instead of buying the pre-made kind. I especially didn’t have the time to try and rationalize why I spent an hour making sure my hair was styled in perfectly loose waves or why I spent double the time on makeup, or why I chose to wear the pretty blush pink sundress I hadn’t worn before instead of something more casual.

I stop myself from setting the table telling myself that this is something you would only do for a romantic evening with someone and this was most certainly not a romantic evening. I hear the doorbell ring just as I’m shutting the oven off, and I glance up at the hallway clock to see that Luca is here right on time.

“Hi,” I greet opening the door for him to walk through. I take in the sight of him wearing a dark pair of jeans and grey button-down shirt and my mouth goes dry. I mentally chastise myself for ogling him and tell myself that I’ll have to examine my reaction to him later.

“Hey, you look beautiful,” he compliments me, striding inside and turning to hand me a bottle of wine. “I thought we could have some with dinner.”

I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear all of a sudden feeling slightly shy. “Thanks. Ah, I actually got a bottle of wine too, but this is great, we can have yours.”

“I’m sure either one will be fine.” He looks toward the kitchen. “It smells amazing.”

“Thanks. I hope you like lasagna.”

“One of my faves.”

“Great.” I nod and start toward the kitchen, and he follows close behind. “I was just about to take it out of the oven.”

“Can I help you with anything?”

God he’s so nice, this is what I thought Luca would be like when I first met him. “You can help me set the table and open the wine if you want?”

“I can do that.”

“The plates are already out on the island and the bottle opener is in the first drawer to your right.”

He nods and grabs the plates, and together we make quick work of getting dinner on the table. I pull down a couple of wine glasses out of the cabinets and head into the dining room, placing one in front of his chair and one in front of mine. He trails behind me with the open bottle of the wine I bought earlier. He holds my chair out for me while I sit down and once I’m settled, pours me a glass. He sits and does the same, filling his wine glass up as well.

“This looks so good Ev, I don’t even remember the last time I had a home cooked meal.”

This makes me sad for him, in all the time I’ve known Luca I’ve never really seen him date. Whatever he does in his private life he always kept separate. It makes me wonder if he’s ever had a girl to take care of him.

“What about your mom? I’m sure she’s ecstatic that you’re back home, hasn’t she cooked for you?”

“Yeah when I first got back a few times, but it’s been crazy with my schedule trying to settle into the new job, I haven’t had much time for her in the last few weeks.”

“I see. Well, dig in then,” I say with a smile. I take a sip of wine as I watch him take a bite.

“Holy shit. What’s in this?”

“Do you like it?”

“This might just be the best lasagna I’ve ever had.”

“I’m glad you like it,” I say, relieved that he’s enjoying it. “Secret ingredient though, can’t tell you what’s in there.”

“Hmmm. Alright, I can respect that as long as you promise you’ll make it for me again.”

“I can do that,” I say quietly. For some unknown reason I’m happy that he’s suggesting we spend more time together. I know these aren’t the best circumstances, but I’m starting to enjoy spending time with him, and I refuse to let myself feel guilty for that.

After dinner we fill up our wine glasses and take them into the living room. I plop down on the couch and Luca sits down next to me.

He reaches over for the remote and looks my way. “What are you in the mood to watch?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

He starts skimming the active movie rentals and stops on a romantic comedy. “Let me guess, something like this?”

“No, I hate those, something with some action.”

“Really?”

“Yup. I hate romantic comedies.” I didn’t always hate them; I used to love them actually, but having my own romance go up in a huge ball of flames kind of turned me off to them.

“Good to know,” he says, continuing to scroll until we both agree on a new action-adventure release.

“Ev? How are you doing with everything that you’ve learned in the last few weeks?”

“I’m dealing with it, starting to process that things weren’t always what they seemed.”

“I am sorry you know.”

“I know you are, and this helps. I was mad at you at first for forcing my hand, but I’m seeing that getting back to living is a good thing, otherwise what would be the point right?”

“Right.”

“I just… Everyday I wake up and I hope to see something different. I hope that it was all just a bad dream and then I realize it’s not and I can’t help but wonder if I made a mistake.”

“A mistake how?”

“A mistake in falling in love with the wrong man.”

“Ev…”

“He loved me Luca. I know that, I have
never
doubted that not even once. But he also lied, and I deserved to know the truth and there are times when I think that I deserved more. I deserved someone who could be honest, someone who would love me enough to trust me. I would never have judged him, he had an addiction, and I can see that. I can rationalize it, and I would have stood by him. But I would have liked to do it with eyes wide open. I didn’t deserve what I got.”

“No you didn’t”

“I’ve never said any of that shit before. I’ve been walking around for the last four years of my life, letting everyone believe that I was just mourning his loss, that I was so distraught that I couldn’t get over it. And that wasn’t a lie, I was, but I’m also pissed. I’m so fucking angry at him for putting himself out on the line, for lying to me, for being selfish, for getting himself killed.”