Until You Believe Me (23 page)

             
I knew life was similar for Connor. With his mother's passing, his father had held the role of father and mother. Connor sometimes talked about something similar. His father would spend every evening cooking dinner for him and his brother. He would tell them stories about the different jobs he was doing for people. One in particular was building a whole new roof for a widow in town.

             
"What about women, how were you taught about women?"

             
"Oh well from day one I knew a woman was a force to be reckoned with. My mother was quite feisty in her prime. We all understood that my father was the brute of the household, but the mother, the woman, the woman is the heart. She thought, cooked, cleaned, and loved with every piece of her heart. Economically we would survive with just my father. But without the woman, without my mother we would have turned into monsters. We watched my father wrestle and horseplay with us and then whisper softly into my mother's ear as he touched her gently. She was the calm to his storm." He took a breath and a shaky sip from his orange juice.

             
"That my dear, is where the real beauty is. The house would survive no matter what. But men know that the moment the woman goes things begin to crumble. It is not in our nature to be nurturers you understand. No, we need the woman to reassure us that things are ok, that we are in every aspect of our job, fulfilling the requirements. A man is strong, don't ever forget that, but it is the love of our woman that allows us to remain so."

             
"Why do you not believe it then? Why do you not trust that we are as committed as you?" I questioned almost with exasperation and was surprised when he chuckled.

             
"Even you should know that answer. We are stupid." He let a full laugh out now. I couldn't help but smile.

             
"We are often times too blind to understand that you can be happy with us. Men are so far behind women emotionally that we don't believe that you are going to remain happy. My father worked on a farm during the day and worked to win my mother over every evening. It was about keeping her sublimely happy. Only then can we feel happy that we're together and on even ground."

             
I smiled and grabbed his hand. He looked at my hand on his and smiled back at me. I knew that one day I would be sitting here, with Connor, just like this. I would be looking into this same face and sharing stories of our happy life together with our grand kids.

             
"Mr. Matthews, you are truly a good man. I know you don't fully understand, but you have raised an amazing man. I just need to get him to see it."

             
"He is a fool if he doesn't listen to you."

             
"Thank you Mr. Matthews. I will see you again very soon."

             
I squeezed his hand a little as I got up and walked back out of the room, waving as I walked by the window.

*****

             
I pulled up in the driveway and into the garage. I walked through the living room and into the kitchen. Connor looked up from his newspaper and coffee.

             
"I was worried." He looked miserable. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, his voice was hoarse and he had bags under his eyes.

             
"I left you a note, I told you I'd be back soon."

             
"I wasn't sure if you really were going to."

             
"I'll always come back."

             
He met my eyes for a moment and then looked away.

             
"Remember how you said you needed me to need you?"

             
Connor rolled his eyes and sighed. "Do we need to do this right now?"

             
"Yes. Do you remember?"

             
"Yes Madison, I remember that time I told you that I'm scared I'm inconsequential to you."

             
"Well right now I need you. Right this second I need you to man up. I need you to understand that you have someone who loves you unconditionally. I need you to let me love you unconditionally. I can even offer you someone else who is going to love you unconditionally if you let him. I know this isn't easy on you, but it is also not easy on me. I need you to help me to believe that I found someone who won't ever hurt me. Not just physically, but emotional distance is just as bad as if you were to put a hand on me. I need you to help make me fight for this. I can't do it if I don't think you will come around. I need you to fight for me on the days that I can't fight and I'll pick up the slack on the days that you can't bring yourself to go to battle. I just need you today so that together we can make it to tomorrow." I had tears silently streaming down my face.

             
"Madison, what if I'm not strong enough to hold it together? What if I can't deal with this when it becomes real?"

             
"Then I'll deal with it for the both of us until you get back on your feet. Do you love me, today, right this moment?"

             
"Absolutely."

             
"Can you love me until midnight tonight?" His face flashed a look of confusion.

             
"Yes, but why midnight?"

             
"It'll be tomorrow then. And tomorrow we can decide who is going to do the fighting."

             
He waved me over and I stood next to him as he hugged me to him, resting his head on my chest. I rubbed his back gently as we stayed like that for awhile.

Chapter 27

             
"Madison, just suck a big breath in, just hold it. I've almost got it."

             
I heard the zipper hit the end of it's track.

             
"Jesus Ma, I was about to start turning blue."

             
"Turn around, let me see."

             
I slowly turned around and faced my mother.

             
"Madison, you take my breath away. You are stunning."

             
I turned back toward the mirror. The long white dress gently skimmed the floor. The beading began right under the bust line and flowed outward from there. My hair had been pulled back and curled and now cascaded down my back in a number of different layers. The draping covered the now obvious bump.

             
"It looks pretty good, huh?"

             
"That's an understatement. You're beautiful. I can't believe this day is here. You're a beautiful bride. Connor is an extraordinarily lucky man. I know he is going to be ok Madison. He loves you and wants to marry you and when this precious baby comes and you both get to look at him or her in the face, you'll forget that you ever questioned what life would be like. Just talk to one another darling, never settle for silence because it's easier."

             
I wiped a tear from her face and hugged her close.

             
"I love you mom."

             
"I love you too my precious angel."

             
"Knock knock, can I come in?" Ben peeked his head around the door.

             
"God damn Madison, you look incredible."

             
"I don't think you're supposed to say that in a church."

             
"I guess not, sorry." He took one of my hands and spun me around.

             
"If there was even a hint of chance I'd win, I'd try to steal you away for myself." I smiled at Ben and was suddenly utterly grateful that he was here.

             
"I'll see you out there baby, take care of her Benjamin." My mother said as she exited the room.

             
"How is he?" I asked the moment the door closed.

             
"Madison, he is one big ball of nerves. But he has said about four hundred times that he can't wait to see you." Ben reassured me.

             
"How are you should be the real question." Ben eyed me suspiciously.

             
"I've never been more nervous, excited or happy about anything in my life."

             
"He loves you, you know that. All he does it talk about you or ask about you. In fact," Ben started to dig in his jacket pocket. "He asked me to give you this." He pulled out a small, folded piece of paper. I opened it excitedly and read.

             
Madison,

             
There will never be another decision in my life that makes me happier or luckier than my decision to ask you to be my wife. I'll be waiting for you at the alter. Until then...

             
Connor

             
"Stop, I told him not to go all mushy in it because I knew this would happen." Ben wiped my eye carefully, so as not to smudge my make up.

             
I took a deep breath and took him in. "You look good. You can clean up pretty well." I admired his gray suit. His black shoes were shined to perfection with his matching black tie and gray vest.

             
"Of course. There might be some eligible women here. I need to be looking my best."I laughed for the first time and hugged him tight. We stood there for a few long minutes.

             
"Not that I'd have any choice at this point, but I really like him Maddie. He is smitten with you. I watch him sometimes and he can't take his eyes off of you. He looks at you like at any moment he should fall down at your feet. I know things haven't been easy recently, but I have a good feeling about him. I think you two can do this together."

             
"Me too Ben. I feel like this was meant to be. I couldn't imagine things any other way."

             
"Then let's go get you down that aisle and married." He kissed my cheek as he opened the door.

             
The double doors into the church were closed and together Ben and I stood there. He took my arm and linked it with his. I felt his hand wrap around mine and squeeze

             
"This is it Mads, the time has come." Ben whispered the last part as the double doors opened and the people seated in the pews stood. I could hardly concentrate enough to even take in who I recognized. Ben and I slowly walked down the aisle. He had a proud smile on his face and was charming without even trying. He held my hand tightly as we made it to the end of the aisle. For the first time I was able to focus on one thing and it was Connor's beautiful eyes. Seated next to him at the bottom of the steps was his father, in his tuxedo sitting in his wheelchair smiling. I couldn't hold back my own smile seeing Connor's gorgeous face. He looked undeniably handsome in his perfectly tailored suit. It was the same gray as Ben's.

             
Ben leaned in and kissed my cheek. "Don't make me run after you Madison." He whispered in my ear and smiled as he led my hand to Connor's. He nodded at Connor and took a seat next to my mother.

             
"We're here today to celebrate the marriage of Connor and Madison. It was their wish to write their own vows to share with one another. Mr. Matthews, if you would please." The officiant took a step back as Connor became the center of attention. Connor's eyes met mine as he gave me a hint of a smile and pulled a piece of paper out of the pocket in his jacket.

             
"Madison, there are no words that could possibly begin to explain how I feel about you. I hate to even try to do this. It's one thing to become all inarticulate in front of you, but with an audience I feel the need to come off a little more intelligent." He smiled nervously and cleared his throat. "I stand here in front of you Madison, in complete awe. In all of my life I have met someone who was so strong-willed yet so completely loving. There isn't a moment that has gone by since I first met you that I have not counted my lucky stars. Everyday I wonder how someone can be so much of everything yet be so perfect. You have turned my world upset down in such a small amount of time. You've made me a better person. Madison I need you in my life and I want to marry you more than anything. Your unwavering faith in me makes me be a better man. And in the very near future it is going to make me a better husband. And not too long after that it's going to make me a better father. These people sitting here might think that we're crazy, and I know for sure that we are. But what those people don't know is that every inch of you makes me stronger, and better, and prouder to be a man to a woman who I would pull the sun down for if you asked me. They don't know how you drum your fingertips on your lips when you're thinking, or how your eyes always betray you when you're trying to hold in a smile. Some of them have no idea how I spend every minute I'm not with you, thinking about you and every minute I'm with you thinking about how I can't bear the thought of being away. Madison, you are the woman of my dreams and the day that we literally ran into each other was the first day of my life. I love you and I promise to honor, love, obey, any of that stuff I'm supposed to do, I'm going to do that until the day that I die." He folded the paper back up and put it back into his pocket. I felt the pricks on the back of my eyes but willed the tears to stay back.