Until You Believe Me (7 page)

The tone of his voice involuntarily made me jump. I had never heard anything even close from him. I shifted on the couch, moving my position slightly away from him.

"Is everything ok?"

"I need to deal with something. I'm sorry. Dammit, of all fucking nights." He got up from the couch and began storming around the sitting room and then to the kitchen. I heard the sound of glass crashing to the ground and shot up off the couch. I heard Connor curse from the kitchen and walk back towards the sitting room.

"I'll go, take care of what you need to." I was scrambling for my shoes and purse, anything to stay out of his angry gaze.

"No, please stay." His hand reached out to take my bag from my hands and I involuntarily flinched. Immediately the anger left his face and his brows furrowed together and he looked quite honestly in pain. "Madison...please stay. I won't be long. Maybe thirty minutes. I'm sorry." His voice was soft and deep, it had lost any angry shrill.

He stood there looking at me for a second and reached for my hand. Barely grasping it he frowned. "Go ahead in the bedroom, turn on the TV. I'll be back, I promise."

I simply nodded and dropped my shoe. He gazed at me as he turned to go out the door and one last time before he closed the wooden door behind him.

Even after I heard him start his truck and pull out of the driveway I stood there. Almost frightened to move and break the stillness in the house. I remembered the breaking noise in the kitchen and walked in to see a wine glass had tipped and spilt wine on the table, followed by the glass plummeting to the floor and breaking into a million pieces. I opened what I hoped was the pantry and found a broom and dustpan. I cleaned up the glass and tossed it into the trashcan. Putting the broom back I decided to go watch TV while I waited for Connor.

I flipped through the channels for close to forty minutes before my eyes got heavy. As I started drifting off I thought I heard noises, but as in that halfway state of sleep I didn't think anything of it.

"Madison, sweetheart you awake?"

I slowly opened my eyes and was looking up into the deepest most sparkling green eyes.

"Connor, you're back. Are you ok?" I sat up, noticing his expression and suddenly feeling nervous.

"Yes. All taken care of. Are you?"

"Of course. I'm sorry, I just drifted for a moment." I gave him a small smile but that did not relieve the worried look on his face.

He continued to look at me, taking my eyes, face, body in. The more he stayed silent the more nervous I became.

"What's wrong Connor? Why are you looking like that?"

"I'm sorry, for whatever it was. I never meant to scare you or anything." His eyes still took me in, almost as if written somewhere on my skin there would be an answer.

My face must have conveyed the confused thoughts in my head because he continued.

"I went to reach for your bag, to set it down, I didn't want you to leave and you...you backed away...you flinched like...like I was going to hurt you. Madison, I would never. I'm sorry." His face was so deflated, like he was on the verge of tears. At his words I almost was as well. I closed my eyes and felt the color begin to drain from my face. I felt cold and hot all at the same time. My heart was breaking into a million pieces and I felt each and every one. It hurt so bad because he thought it was him.

"Connor, no you didn't do anything. I didn't flinch, I didn't mean to. Really." I knew that was a lie, the first in fact. The tone, the anger, the nearness, it was the sliver of a nightmare relived.

"Madison, I'm sorry." I saw the glassiness of his eyes and couldn't bear it.

"No, stop. You didn't do anything. Just stop apologizing." I had to remove myself from the situation. I got off the bed and walked out of the bedroom. I had to get away from his eyes, the look of hurt and near torture in them. I walked down the hallway and straight to the kitchen. I took a gulp of wine, not caring if it was my glass or his that had fallen.

I felt him standing there before I turned and saw him. I was under his gaze and it was no longer an admiring gaze. It was pity, and I couldn't deal.

"Please stop looking at me like that. I don't want to see your eyes like that. I can't see your eyes like that again." I took the last swallow before I turned to him. He was leaned casually against the wall that led from the sitting room to the kitchen. His face still showed concern or hurt but his eyes had cleared up.

"I'm sorry, I had to take care of that. I'm so sorry." His face didn't register pity, just sorrow, he was truly sorry, like he caused this. He held his hand out, reaching for mine and I gave it to him. "I just want to be near you right now at this moment." He gave a soft tug and pulled me in for a hug. His arms tightened around me and he took a few deep breaths. My arms wrapped around him just as tight. I longer felt fear or anxiety. It was the calmest and safest I had felt in years, right in this moment.

I convinced Connor that I was ok and that I should go, it was already half past ten and I still had the forty five minute drive home. Connor stood back while I put on my shoes and gathered my bag. His gaze seemed to follow everything I was doing. I could feel those sparkling eyes all over me. Somebody else might have made that feel cheap but Connor's gaze made me feel safe.

"Thank you for coming Madison. Again, I'm sorry it got all screwed up. Truly sorry." He stepped outside with me and began walking me to my car.

"Stop apologizing, all is well. I promise." I tried my best to put on a strong, happy face. I don't believe he was convinced. When we reached my car he opened my door and stood there holding it while I got in. "I'm ok Connor, please stop looking at me like i'm a hurt puppy dog."

"I don't believe you but I am going to trust you. I will talk to you tomorrow Madison. Please let me know you are home safe. I'll be waiting."

"I will, but don't wait on my account. Bye Connor." I gave him a small smile, but behind it was the sadness that I didn't feel the same way as last night.

Connor reached down, brushed my hair back and placed a kiss on my cheek. "Like I said, I"ll be waiting to hear from you. Until next time." He gave one last concerned look before he gently closed my door.

I had reached the end of the driveway before the dam burst and I began sobbing.

Chapter 9

The rainy drive mimicked how I felt. I couldn't shake the feeling that last night was a turning point. My mood soured even more as I walked into the office and saw an empty door. No note, though I hadn't expected it. At least before I arrived there was some glimmer of hope.

I spent the morning finishing papers before going to my back to back classes. The rain never let up and my walk back to the office was cold and wet.

I mumbled curse words as I walked into the building and sighed as I again was greeted by an empty door. I nearly threw my umbrella in my office. I sat down in my chair with a huff. Today sucked. THere was no way to get around it. The weather, my mood and worst of all I hadn't heard from Connor.

I had just started checking email when I heard my phone beep.

I was surprised and relieved to see it was a text from Connor.

Can you meet me at six at the trailer? Want to show you something. I miss you. Connor.

I couldn't get a read on the text so I simply replied with an 'ok, see you then.'

The rain continued even after I was on my way to see Connor. I barely knocked and Connor was out of the trailer with his umbrella, holding it over us.

"Come on, to my car." He held my hand as we walked quickly to his car. He walked around to my side, opening and holding the door until I climbed in then he gently shut it. He threw the umbrella in the backseat as he hopped in and closed his door.

He had a small smile and it warmed my heart to see that some of the tension had been eased.

"I'm going to talk and you can't interrupt. You also can't argue, in fact while we're at it, I get to say what I want and then you can't reply until after we've left where we're going. Deal?" Connor glanced over at me as he pulled out of the parking lot and onto the main road.

"Deal, I guess." I shrugged, kind of confused.

"Ok, I like seeing you. I more than like it. I tossed and turned all night last night thinking of you. I woke up thinking of you and I spent the day sitting in the office when I should have been working, thinking of you. Last night wasn't the perfection I had imagined. However, I owe you an explanation. Since where I'm taking you has become a reality, I've never shown anyone, not even all of my extended family knows. I need you to trust me so that we can have more nights of perfection and less nights of insecurity. I'm going to trust you with where we're going tonight. I hope it sheds light into last night and also I can begin to gain your trust. Last night was not trust, it was fear and I don't need to know why...right now. But if this is to continue, I need you to be honest. I put it all out there, right on the line. It sucks, I've been hurt again and again by it, but it is all I know. So I'm trusting right now that you can handle what I'm going to show you. I'm trusting that this will help you to put it all out there too." He took a deep breath as he finished. He reached over and took one of my hands in his and gave it a squeeze. I saw the tug of a smile on his lips. "Now how was your day sweetheart?"

I couldn't help but smile at the change in atmosphere. I smiled and squeezed his hand back. I told him about my day, leaving out the fact that I was miserable thinking of him all day.

After ten minutes we pulled into a big parking lot. The building was extremely long with many windows, most with lights on, some with shades pulled. Connor shut the truck off and ran around to my side of the car, he carried his jacket over our heads as we walked quickly to the front door.

"Mr. Matthews, we weren't expecting you. We've had a bit of a rough day, he is in the TV room. He is doing much better though." A pretty blond in scrubs said from behind the front desk.

"Thank you Sarah. I won't be long. I'll stop by and check in with you before I leave."

I followed Connor down a hallway and stopped outside of a large room with a TV, some couches, and several people sitting. The room had a thick wooden door but was mostly exposed through the windows. We walked in and hardly anybody noticed.

"Dad? You awake? It's Connor." Connor knelt next to a man sitting in a leather recliner.

"Connor. Right. The medicine they gave me makes me so tired I can't hardly think. Remind me."

Connor took a deep breath as I stood watching him by the door.

"Dad, Connor, your son. How are you today?"

"Oh well alright I suppose. Just had supper, now my shows are on then I will be going to bed I suppose. Dog tired today boy." The man spoke, never taking his eyes off the TV.

Connor motioned me over and I knelt beside him.

"Dad, this is Madison. She was very scared you were not alright last night. Will you tell her you're ok?"

"I'm ok m'dear. Fine, fine. Now they got me all doped up so I don't feel much of anything. Just so tired. You're very pretty darling. What are you doing with him?" The man glanced away from the TV to smile at me as he nodded toward Connor.

"Now that sounds more like you, Dad. Can we get you anything?"

"Connor? When did you get here? Who is this pretty girl you got here?" He smiled at Connor and then at me.

"I'm...um... Mr. Matthews, I'm Madison."

"Call me John. It's a pleasure Madison. Is my son being a pain in the ass? You keep him straight, or you tell me and I will." He gently punched Connor's arm.

The older man looked so similar to Connor. He had the light eyes and kind smile.

"He's truly a joy John. You raised a good man." I felt Connor's hand slide over mine as we continued to kneel on the floor.

"Well thank heavens for that. The other one is a damned idiot. One out of two ain't bad I suppose."

I had to laugh at that, Connor just looked at the ground and shook his head.

We sat and watched TV for a few moments before I noticed that Connor's father was beginning to fall asleep. Connor helped me from the floor and we walked from the room. I waited at the door as I watched Connor lean over and kiss the top of his dad's head.

I stayed silent as we walked down the hallway back to the front.

"Thank you Sarah, I'm heading out, let me know how he progresses. Thanks for last night." He smiled at her as we walked out. She just nodded and smiled as she went back to her paperwork.

The car ride was silent as I digested what Connor had just shared with me. I had so many questions but it all felt like the answers would come in time.

"He had a stroke one day, in the office. They rushed him to the hospital and it turned out pretty good actually. He was just shaky on his feet. After that, he quickly started going downhill. Six months later he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and six months from that he had gotten in so much trouble at home that I had to put him in there. He'd tried to cook and it turned into a disaster. He couldn't be trusted alone. It was a full time job just to keep him from unintentionally hurting himself. We hired a care taker but he is too stubborn so I had to put him in. It was one of the worst days of my life, but it's been so good for him. I know he's safe. Last night, he had a spell. He has been having seizures, just short, seemingly harmless ones. They had made sure he was ok and called me. I asked them to call me anytime something out of the ordinary happens. I want to be involved with him. I didn't dump him there to forget about him. I wanted to keep him alive. It's hard, on the days he doesn't know me, it's really hard." Connor stared straight ahead as he navigated through town.