Read Until You Believe Me Online
Authors: Lindsey Woods
At this point he had both his hands on either side of my head on the wall.
"What the fuck, who are you?" At the sound of an unfamiliar voice Brad turned to look and was visibly upset to see the sheer size of Connor. Connor's built and tall frame towered over Brad..
Brad quickly put his expression and check. "This doesn't involve you so you go on back to wherever the hell you came from." Brad dismissed Connor and turned back to me, resuming his position.
I heard the yell before I could take in what had happened. Connor had Brad's arm bent awkwardly behind his back and had his face pressed against the wall next to me.
"Madison, go to my car, now please." Connor's face was serious and I was glad to leave that scene behind. I ran, not caring about the tears on my face, not caring that people were turning to see some strange, crying woman running through the restaurant. I couldn't get to the safe haven of Connor's truck fast enough.
Every second seemed to last at least 30 until I saw Connor walking towards the car. He got in and closed his door more loudly than usual. He started the car and looked over at me expectantly.
"Please just drive." I could hardly contain the shakes that were wracking my body. Connor mistook fear for coldness and blasted the heat. He didn't say a word the entire drive back to his house. He jumped out of the car and opened my door before I could even reach for the handle. I started to protest as he lifted me from the car and carried me into the house. He didn't stop until he reached the bedroom and laid me down on the bed.
"Don't move." His voice was deep and serious. Even if I wanted to go somewhere I wouldn't have been able to. My body shook and before I could fight it I felt the darkness swallow me.
Chapter 14
I awoke and felt very confused. My body was sore and I felt endlessly tired. I sat up in bed and saw Connor sitting on the chair at the end of the bed. He was leaning forward, his head in his hands. His hair was a mess. He must have heard me stir in bed and his head shot up. His eyes were sad and he had many creases all over his face. He sat there for a moment, just looking at me.
His voice was extremely soft and calm. "Are you ok?"
I gave a slight nod and hugged my knees to my chest. I kept telling myself to not do it, to hold it together. The earlier episode replayed in my mind, coupled with seeing Connor with his sad eyes was too much for me. I felt tears starting to fall down my cheeks. Connor hopped up and sat on the bed with me. He climbed behind me and pulled me to his chest. He held me and rubbed my head.
"It's ok. You're safe here. Shhh." He rocked me softly and ran his fingers through my hair. I slowly started to calm down, feeling the tears subside.
"I don't want to upset you again, but I think that deserves a few answers." His voice was soft and sweet. I nuzzled closer to him, feeling his arms tight around me.
I didn't say anything for a few long minutes. I thought back to my mom's advice and she was right. I needed to break a hole in my wall, even if was only big enough for a peephole.
"Brad. I grew up with him. We dated. It ended badly."
I was surprised to feel a small chuckle. I turned around to look at him.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh. It's just I could figure out for myself that it wasn't a rainbows and butterflies kind of ending. I'm sorry Madison." He kissed the tip of my nose before he pulled me back against him. "Is that all I'm going to get?"
I took a deep breath, now or never. "We started dating when I was 22. After about a year we started getting serious. He was always, well I thought it was passionate, about things. He was kind of rough, he would get mad at me for arguing with him or disagreeing with something. He spent a lot of time putting me down. There were a couple of times he pushed me, or grabbed my arms and left marks. He didn't like me to disagree. He's from the barbaric old school view of women have their role. There were time he could be loving. He was sweet sometimes. I had never....slept with anyone before. We went to dinner one night and he had a lot to drink. His hands were very quickly everywhere and I tried to get him off of me, to stop, but he continued. When he was done he went into the bathroom and I texted my mom, to tell her to send help. He saw me texting on my phone and saw the text I had sent and threw it across the room. He got on top of me again and tried to do it again, I scratched and clawed and bit and he wouldn't give him. He was bleeding from his neck and face and wrists. The cops came and arrested him, he went to jail for six months and was released. Because we were known to be dating they couldn't really take the claim so seriously I guess. So he was free." I took a few breaths to steady myself. I felt scared and relieved. I had never told anyone besides my mother and the cops that story.
Connor sat there and didn't say anything. I started to get nervous that he had decided that was too much baggage for him. I sat up and turned around and looked at him. I started shaking and burst into tears when I saw there were fresh tears of his own on his face. I went ot hug him, to be close to him, anything to get him to stop. His eyes were so dark, so full of tears and it tore at the core of my heart.
"Connor please stop, I can't bear it. What's wrong?" My voice was almost desperate for some response from him.
"That night. You were scared of me. You were genuinely scared. You thought I was going to hurt you like that bastard." His voice was almost inaudible. I hung my head, with hurt and despair and in shame.
I heard him take a deep breath and he wiped his face. His hands came on either side of my face and lifted it. The soft pads of his thumbs brushed the tears away from my cheeks.
"I will never lay a finger on you unless you want me to. I will never pressure you or force you to do anything. I will never expect you to agree with me, hell that is part of what I love about you. You're you, you're independent. You don't need me and it keeps me on my toes to know that. Madison, you are the most lovable person I have ever known and I am so sorry that he's the reason you don't understand that. I promise that everyday I will make it my mission to show you that you're incredible. This going to sound crazy and it's absolutely horrendous timing but I am completely in love with you Madison. And I want to love you until you tell me to stop."
"Don't, please don't." I closed my eyes. Trying to keep the tears in. "I can't be the reason your eyes are sad. I don't want to be the object of your pity."
"Madison, this isn't about pity. This is about you. I love who you are, not because you're broken. I don't want to fix you, I want to love you. That's it." His eyes were wide. There was no evidence of his tears now. He looked so earnest and hopeful.
"Connor...I-." I hesitated for a moment.
"Madison, I don't need you to say it. The fact that you haven't left yet tells me what I need to know right now."
I gave him a small smile and put my finger on his lips. "Stop talking for a minute and just listen. Despite what I thought in the past, I realize that wasn't love. Love wasn't someone to pay you attention. It's someone who wants to make it their goal to make you feel special every day. When I realized I was sad after a day and a half without you I realized that I had never felt this way before. As hard as I think it is to admit this, I think I love you too Connor."
There was never going to be a moment where I was going to get used to his thousand watt smile. He leapt off the bed and picked me up. Twirling me around I giggled and grabbed around his neck tighter.
He put me down and just stared down at me. I smiled and started to feel bashful under his gaze.
"So what does this mean now?" I hadn't ever imagined being in this situation and I felt like something needed to be done, but I didn't know what.
"This means that I get to spoil you with gifts and love and romance. And you really can't do a damn thing about it, which is the best part." He smiled again and leaned down to kiss me softly.
We walked down to the sitting room, turning on lights here and there. It was almost 8:00 P.M. So much had happened that it didn't seem possible that it was still Saturday.
"I don't want to ruin you're good mood but I need to get this out there. If I ever see that asshole again, I will beat the shit out of him and I can't promise I'll stop until he's dead. And I hope that when my ass is sitting in jail, you'll at least come visit." His serious tone made me laugh.
"I never saw you angry, but it is quite cute."
"I mean it Madison. I will destroy him. I'm glad you see my bloodlust as cute though."
We had a very small dinner and sat and had a glass of wine we both deserved. After talking on the couch, I snuggled up to Connor. It felt so good to be warmed by his body. I leaned up to give him a small kiss. It wasn't long before the kiss was still going for minutes at a time. I felt has hands along my jaw and neckline, they moved down to my sides and hips. Everywhere he touched he left a trail of fire on my skin. He abruptly pulled away and I looked at him questioningly.
"I need to stop while I have the will-power. You're amazingly beautiful Madison. Trust me." He laid his head on my chest and hugged me tight.
"Connor..." My voice was soft, I was surprised it even came out at all. I felt myself growing cold, but I had made my decision.
He just looked up at me and waited for me to saw what I wanted.
"I don't want you to stop. I want to get it over with. I want to be with you so that all I remember is you were the last one I was with."
HIs eyes went sad and my heart pulled. "Madison, I don't care about that. I'm happy here with you."
"No, Connor. I've thought about the moment that I would have to tell someone that story. I've thought about it for years. I got it out and now you know. Now I want to stop wondering what it's going to be like to be with someone who appreciates every moment of being with me. I don't want to wonder anymore." I didn't know if I made sense. I knew that I loved Connor. I knew that I wanted to have sex with him. But this time wouldn't be it for me. I wanted to get this time out of the way, almost like a cleansing.
His eyes were still sad and unsure.
I got off the couch and grabbed his hand. I pulled it until he stood and dragged him down the hallway behind me. I sat on the bed and scooted back to lay with my head on the pillows.
"Madison, I don't want to hurt you. I'm scared you've been through enough today."
"Connor, please." I pleaded with him. He couldn't understand why this was so important to me. "I just need you to trust me."
He climbed on the bed and laid next to me. "With my life Madison."
I took that as my cue that he was agreeing. I leaned in and kissed him. I closed my eyes tight and kissed him with every ounce of love, fear, worry, admiration and joy I was feeling at the moment. It wasn't long before he started taking my clothes off as well as his own. After he took his T-Shirt off I ran my hands over his back. Had it been only this morning that I had seen him come from the bathroom looking like a Greek God? His skin was smooth and soft and warm and I loved feeling his strong muscles.
He leaned down and kissed my stomach as he lifted my shirt and pulled it over my head. His lips seemed to be everywhere, between my breasts, down my stomach, at the waistband of my jeans. He unbuttoned my jeans and kissed where the button had been. He backed up and slid them off of me. He smiled down at me. "You're absolutely beautiful."
I pulled him down to kiss him again. My hands were at the button of his jeans. I unsnapped it and I heard Connor moan against my lips. I slowly slid down the zipper and he quickly slid them off. I pulled Connor down on me. He looked at me and brushed my hair back.
"Are you sure?" He was serious and thoughtful as he waited for my answer. I nodded and he kissed me again while he slid off his boxers and my panties.
He pulled a small square package from his bedside table and opened it, sliding it on.
"Are you ready?" I nodded again, this time less sure. My chest felt heavy and my pulse was going crazy. Both from Connor's nearness and because I knew that I had to hold on, for Connor's sake.
I closed my eyes tight as I felt him position himself and slowly enter me. I accidentally let a small whimper escape and Connor stopped.
Without opening my eyes I told him to keep going. I pulled Connor close and rested my cheek against his as he moved in and out of me. His pace increased as did his breathing. A few minutes later I felt him tense against me and heard him moan. I kissed him hard and rested my body against the mattress. Connor got up and went in the bathroom to dispose of the foil package and it's now used contents.
WHile he was gone I took several deep breaths, trying to hold myself together. I felt the tears pricking my eyes and I didn't want to let them go. I knew Connor would take it as he did something wrong when it had nothing to do with him. It was the fact that I needed this to survive, to begin to heal.
Connor came back to bed and pulled the blanket around us. "I love you Madison." His voice was soft and low. I couldn't hold it in any longer. The tone of his voice, the words he said and the million other emotions that had been stirred up had to be let out. I reached out for him and pulled him close as I began to sob. I sobbed for everything I had lost that time I spent with someone who didn't deserve me. I sobbed for everything I had gained in Connor. I cried for the fact that I needed to let the hurt out so I could be what Connor deserved and needed me to be.