Janessa angled her head to the side a little. ‘Wait a second.’ Her words were soft and in no way accusatory. ‘You were affected, too, weren’t you?’
At her words, Miles closed his eyes for a brief moment before looking at her once more. ‘More than you know.’
‘It’s never easy to lose a patient.’
‘No. No, it’s not.’ Gone was the desire and out came the hurt. She’d never seen his eyes reflect such a hidden yet incredibly powerful emotion. Most people in the world made every effort to repress things or events that had happened to them in order to function with some semblance of normalcy. It appeared Miles was no different.
She paused, noting the hint of gut-wrenching pain in the way he spoke. He wasn’t just speaking from a personal angle, he was speaking from his heart, and it was a heart that had been shredded. She recognised the anguish, she felt the pain he was exhibiting, she could read the symptoms because she’d felt them herself … felt them when her own son had died. Following through on an instinct, treading very carefully, she asked softly, ‘Miles? When you lost your wife … was there.? I mean, did you have any … children?’
‘Yes.’ The one word was covered in heartache.
‘Oh, Miles.’ Janessa sighed, her heart turning over for him.
‘One child. One baby boy. He was eight months old. We had eight glorious months with him. Although he was a bit sickly to begin with, in the NICU for the first two months, after that he was a strong, healthy, strapping baby boy … who died in his mother’s arms.’
‘It must have been devastating for you both.’
‘No. Not for Wendy.’
Janessa frowned, unsure what he was trying to say. Miles looked at her, his blue eyes, which were so usually filled with joviality and direction, now bleak and cold. ‘We were travelling by train in Europe,’ he said. ‘There was an accident, a bad one. A horrific train crash. We were all involved. Wendy was holding Patrick and when the train derailed …’ He stopped for a moment. ‘I was thrown around, multiple fractures, lost consciousness. When I woke I was in hospital. Wendy and Patrick were listed among the dead.’
‘Miles.’ Janessa’s heart wrenched with sorrow for him and she walked to his side, taking his hand in hers, linking their fingers together. ‘I’m so, so sorry.’
‘We were in the middle of nowhere. That stupid train crash robbed me of my family.’ He shook his head. ‘I was alone.’
Janessa squeezed his hand. ‘I know how you feel. I do. I really do, and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. I know what it’s like to lose people you
love … babies
you love.’
Miles looked at her, recalling the way she’d been so vehement and determined to help Philip, the way she’d spoken to Violet as though she really did understand. ‘You had a child, too?’
‘I did. A boy. Connor.’ As she spoke his name, she smiled. ‘He was wonderful.’
‘How old?’
She shrugged. ‘Newborn. Twenty-five weeks’ gestation. Just a touch older than Philip, but almost twenty years ago they didn’t have half the equipment we have now. Today he might well have stood a fighting chance but, also like Philip, he was just too prem.’
‘Is that why your marriage ended?’
‘The loss of a child is never easy to cope with.’ She shook her head. ‘Bradley and I were just children ourselves, pretending to be grown-ups, but it was no good. I made impulsive and irrational decisions back then and it’s taken me years not only to trust my own judgement but to trust others, not necessarily in the medical field but on a personal level. Any marriage break-up makes you really question yourself, makes you cautious of opening yourself up again. After Connor’s death, we were both floundering in a sea of confusion, too young and too inexperienced in life to cope with the emotions we both felt, and in the end we realised the wisest thing we could do was to call an end to our marriage, to admit that we’d failed and move on. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, to admit to that failure.’
Janessa dropped Miles’s hand and moved away.
‘Oh, Janessa.’
‘So, you see, I
do
know how you feel. I know how Violet feels right now. Sitting out there, holding her baby, saying goodbye.’
‘It still hurts.’ His words were a statement, not a question.
She nodded in agreement. ‘After all these years, it still hurts.’
Both of them were silent for a moment before Miles said softly, ‘It appears we have more in common than we originally might have realised.’
‘Perhaps that’s what drew us together in the first place?’
‘Janessa—’ He stopped and raked a hand through his hair before continuing. ‘What do you say about becoming friends?’
‘Get to know each other better?’
‘Exactly.’ He shifted and put his hands into his trouser pockets. ‘We’re going to be working closely together once the girls are born. Co-ordinating treatment, practical hands-on care, not to mention the preparation for the surgeries.’
‘What are you suggesting?’
‘That we spend time together because then that way we have some hope of finding common ground where this attraction isn’t the first thing coming between us whenever we’re together here at the hospital.’
Janessa thought for a moment. It would be good to be able to be in the same room as Miles and not be so aware of him. Perhaps he was right. Spending time together in a social capacity might actually benefit them rather than hindering their working relationship. ‘You make a fair point. Well … I guess we could go flying.’
Miles blinked once. ‘Flying?’ He paused, remembering that she’d mentioned something about flying before.
‘Sure. It will get us out of the hospital. We’ll be out in the open, fresh air, blue skies, destressing and letting all our troubles float away on the wind.’
‘Flying? You’re serious?’
‘One hundred per cent. I’m not talking about the big commercial jets that take you interstate or overseas. Just a nice small aircraft. Gliding around in the blue sky, enjoying the sensation of a complete carefree existence … if only for a short while.’ Janessa sighed. Even thinking about it was helping her to relax, to calm down, to push the past back where it belonged. Miles, however, was still looking at her as though she came from a completely different planet. ‘Or we could do something else. We don’t have to go flying. You can think about it if you—’
‘Sounds great,’ he interrupted, still astonished to discover that Janessa liked flying. It wasn’t the type of hobby or activity he’d have thought she would choose to do on her days off but, then, he was coming to realise that Janessa Austen was unlike any other woman he’d ever known. ‘Flying.’ He nodded once, accepting the decision, especially as Janessa seemed quite keen on the idea. ‘In a small aircraft.’
‘You’re not claustrophobic, are you?’ There was nothing worse than taking someone up in her Tiger Moth who had a fear of confined spaces.
‘No. I’m fine.’ He nodded again. ‘So … flying. Good. Different, but good. When?’
‘Good question. Urn …’ Janessa mentally went through her schedule. They were now in the very early hours of Wednesday morning and given everything that had happened with little Philip, there would be quite a bit of red tape to get through. ‘Thursday morning?’
Miles pondered that for a moment before agreeing. ‘Nine o’clock. After ward round. I’ll meet you here.’
With that, he turned and headed out of her office, gone before she could say anything else. Janessa stood there, not moving, and stared at her open door. She’d just invited Miles to come and spend time with her in a small and confined space! Was she completely insane? Even being here in her office was bad enough. The close confines of the Tiger Moth, the two of them, up in the air, able to talk to each other via the headsets … sharing an exhilarating experience.
But that was a good thing, wasn’t it? His suggestion that they should get to know each other better, that they should stop trying to guess, stop trying to figure out what made the other one tick, was a good thing. The more time she spent with him, the sooner she’d discover some facet of his personality that would irritate her and therefore break the dynamic fascination that seemed to bind them together.
She would be taking him to her special place, the airfield where she’d spent so much time, with her father as a child and later learning to fly. So many of her personal memories were bound up in that place.
With exhaustion weighing heavily on her shoulders, Janessa sank down into her office chair and closed her eyes, unable to believe her own stupidity. Had she really just opened herself up to share part of her life, a very important part of her life, with Miles Trevellion? Was she completely insane?
Apparently so.
A
FTER
writing up the paperwork for Philip and ensuring that Violet had finished saying goodbye to her baby, a weary Janessa escorted the young woman back to the maternity ward. Violet’s obstetrician approved a sedative for her but Violet wanted Janessa to stay with her until she fell asleep.
Even sitting in the chair beside Violet’s bed, Janessa’s exhaustion level continued to increase. Once the young woman was asleep, Janessa headed to Sheena’s room to check on her friend, surprised to find her awake.
She gave Sheena the sad news about Philip, and then checked Sheena’s blood pressure, pleased that it was stable.
‘It can’t have been easy for you.’ Sheena spoke softly, caressing her abdomen lovingly.
‘It wasn’t, but Miles …’ Janessa yawned ‘… was a great help. He’s so …’ she sighed and closed her eyes for a moment ‘. comforting.’
‘Really?’
Janessa didn’t reply and Sheena chuckled. ‘What?’ Janessa asked a moment later.
‘You are so exhausted, Nessa. Go to bed. Get some sleep.’
‘I’m fine. I’ve been more tired than this before.’
‘True but you weren’t battling an attraction to your gorgeous colleague before.’
‘You have a point.’ Janessa’s eyes were still closed as she sat in the chair.
‘You’re admitting that you like Miles?’
‘Yep. Like him. A lot.’ She yawned. ‘Strange, isn’t it? Never thought I’d be attracted like that to someone who won’t hang around. Can’t keep liking him, though. He’s going to leave and I’ll be all …’ another yawn ‘… alone again.’
‘You have me. You’ll always have me, but I know what you mean.’
‘I know.’ Janessa opened her eyes and went to stand, wobbling a bit as she stood leaning on the chair until her balance returned. ‘This always happens. When I finally stop, especially after a hectic day, my body just seems to go into complete shutdown.’ She walked over and hugged her friend. ‘You’re the best non-legally-adopted sister I’ve ever had.’
Sheena laughed. ‘Likewise. Now, go. Sleep.’
‘I will, and just so you know, you’re doing a fantastic job of being a human incubator. In fact, I’d say you’re the best human incubator in the world. My mother was bedridden the entire time she was pregnant with me and I turned out fantastic.’
‘Yes, you did.’
‘Just think of how fantastic your girls are going to be.’ ‘I do. Now go and sleep before you fall down and hurt yourself.’
‘Good advice. I feel so light-headed. ‘Night, Sheenie.’
Janessa made her way out of Maternity and headed for the residential wing, very pleased that she was staying so close to the hospital. Sheena was such a wonderful friend and being raised an only child meant Janessa had often yearned for a sister. Now she had one. Although her parents had been able to have two babies before she’d arrived on the scene, both boys had been born with congenital heart defects. They’d both died within the first few months of their lives and back then the care for sick babies hadn’t been as advanced as it was today. She’d often wondered whether Connor had a similar problem and perhaps that was why he’d died.
It was another reason why she’d chosen to specialise in the neonate field. To be there for women like Violet, to support close friends, like Sheena, to assist incredible surgeons, like Miles, and to read about the breakthroughs in research and technology.
Her mother had often told her how special she was, that she was their little miracle. A lump came instantly to Janessa’s throat as she thought about her mother and in that split second, even though her mother had died almost eighteen years ago, her heart longed for just one more moment with her. To be held by her, to hear her mother’s calm voice, to hear her sing a soft, soothing lullaby.
The image of Philip being held by Violet swam into her mind as she took the three flights of stairs up to her apartment. It was an image that came with its own sweet soundtrack and one that would no doubt remain with her for a very long time. Such loss, such heartbreak, such loneliness.
Janessa knew what it was like to be lonely. With no aunts, no uncles, no cousins, no siblings, no parents, it could have made for a very lonely life but all around her, here at the hospital, was a family she loved most dearly.
Then she had her friends out at the airfield, the friends who had known her father for most of their lives, who had watched her grow up, who had grieved with her when her father had lost his battle with cancer. Everyone around her combined together into one crazy big family and Janessa knew that she was truly blessed to be in such a place, but at the same time she would give anything to have one last hug with her mother or one last flight in her father’s beloved Tiger Moth with him at the rear, flying them through the skies as though there really wasn’t a care in the world.
Tomorrow, at nine o’clock, she would be meeting Miles to take him to the airfield to share her passion for flying. As soon as the thought entered her mind, she pushed it aside. It was almost four o’clock in the morning now and she was exhausted. It wasn’t wise to think about the man when she was this tired because all of her defences were down. Add to that the memory of Philip’s young mother singing to him and she felt emotionally drained. With her eyes blurring a little due to her sentimentality as well as the fact that she’d hardly slept in the past thirty hours, Janessa opened the stairwell door and exited onto the third floor, walking slap bang into someone.
‘Oh, sorry,’ she mumbled quickly, reaching out to rebalance herself and coming into contact with a wide, firm chest. At the same time, warm hands clamped around her waist and the weirdest sense of
déjà vu
settled over her. She breathed in, only to have Miles’s spicy scent wind around her, drawing her in.
‘This is starting to become a habit, Dr Austen.’ His deep masculine voice murmured near her ear. ‘You. In my arms.’
‘Sorry.’ She glanced up, looking into his eyes, and instantly wished she hadn’t. He was looking at her as though she were the most important woman in the world. His pupils were wide, his irises more blue than she’d ever seen before, and the care and need and desire she could see there made her body suffuse with anticipatory tingles.
‘Don’t apologise,’ he added quietly. ‘I’m not complaining.’ His words were deep, rumbling through her, adding to the tingles by causing goose bumps to spread over her skin as his breath fanned her neck. His hands were at her waist, hot and warm and feeling as though they could burn right through her clothes. The sensations radiated throughout her, adding a flush of fire to the tingles and goose bumps.
When he touched her like this, looked at her like this, wreaked havoc with her senses like this, it was all Janessa could do to hold on to some semblance of rational thought. Working alongside him, being near him, watching his brilliance as he’d performed surgery on little Philip, had only served to enhance the delight and admiration she had for him.
Swallowing over the dryness of her throat, she worked hard to ignore the way her hands were pressed up against his chest, the firmness of his body beneath his shirt making her fingers itch to explore the area, to touch and caress every contour, to commit them to memory.
Even though she’d already been in his arms once that morning, this time was completely different from the platonic, friendly way he’d held her as she’d cried out her grief for the loss of the little life.
Ordinarily, he’d discovered Janessa to be strong and self-assured but now, as he looked down into the upturned face of this stunning woman, he could see tears glistening on her dark eyelashes. There was a vulnerability about her he’d witnessed when he’d walked into her office and seen her crying. A powerful, protective urge had overcome him then and now, standing here in the deserted residential corridor, was no different.
He wanted to protect this woman. From pain, from suffering, from being alone. He, of all people, knew how bad loneliness could be, and whilst he’d been surrounded by his parents and his sisters after the death of his wife and his child, it was the small hours of the morning—like now, when loneliness could be at its most powerful.
During his first week at Adelaide Mercy, Miles had been fighting the inexplicable, burning need he felt for Janessa Austen. Perhaps it was the fact that she’d taken him into her office on his very first morning there and told him off, showing him that she wasn’t afraid to stand up for what she believed in. Perhaps it was the fact that she cared for not only her patients but for her staff as well, showing them unfailing loyalty. Perhaps it was the fact that she was like a petite dynamo who still looked far too young to be head of such a high-powered unit.
Or perhaps it was that she seemed to fit so perfectly into his arms.
He wasn’t at all sure why he appeared to be so drawn to her. She was starting to open him up, starting to make him believe there could possibly be more to his life than simply working and travelling. Even now, as he held her, her body so close to his, her scent winding around him, enticing dormant senses back to life, he couldn’t help awareness coursing through him. He swallowed and watched as her gaze flicked to his throat before settling on his lips for a brief moment then returning to his eyes.
His mind went blank as he realised she was looking into his own eyes, revealing emotions such as confusion, intrigue and veiled desire. It was the way she’d looked at him in the lift last week but this time the emotions were deeper, richer, more intense. He’d been out of the game so long, out of the need to seek female companionship, and now here was Janessa, causing him to want, causing him to experience, causing him to feel.
It was as though everything during the past week had lead to this one moment. It was the moment when Miles slowly began to realise that, for the first time since the death of his family, there were other possibilities in life than living it on the run from his past, hiding from his guilt.
Janessa swallowed and licked her lips, causing Miles to want to lower his head, to brush his mouth across hers, just for a second, just to see how she tasted. It wasn’t the first time he’d wondered that and it wouldn’t be the last. He was attracted to her. Powerfully and strongly. Now, though, right at this moment in time, they were both vulnerable. He could see it in her eyes. She was heavily exhausted and her defences were low.
This time, though, the tug, the invisible bonds that seemed to be binding them together were most definitely harder to resist. He really wanted to kiss her and that want was starting to grow into a need … a desirable need.
Although it felt as though they’d been standing there for an eternity, in reality it had just been a couple of minutes, but even during that short period of time he could feel Janessa’s body starting to relax more heavily against his.
‘Miles?’ she murmured, her desire-filled eyes looking up at him. ‘What’s happening between us?’
‘I don’t know, honey, but I do know that now is not the right time to discuss it. You’re exhausted and it’s time for you to get some sleep.’ With a valiant effort he tried to step back, to release his hold on her, but as he did, she stumbled and leaned against him again. ‘Whoa, there.’ He slid his arm more firmly about her waist. ‘I think your exhaustion has most definitely caught up with you.’
Janessa yawned and nodded, feeling lethargic and sleepy and nice, being held so close next to Miles. ‘Excellent diagnosis, Dr Trevellion.’
‘Right, then. Let’s get you settled. Where’s your key?’
‘My what?’ She raised her eyebrows to look at him.
‘The key to your apartment.’
Janessa frowned for a moment, then patted the pockets of her trousers. ‘Not there. Darn. I must have left them in my office.’
‘Oh.’ Miles’s quick mind filtered through his different options. He could leave Janessa in the corridor, run down stairs and get a spare key from the residential desk. He could put Janessa in his apartment and then go down … No! That one was instantly dismissed. Even the thought of having her sitting in a chair, waiting for him, no doubt sound asleep … the mental picture was too alluring.
Walking her closer to her door, feeling her lean into him as sleep started to claim her, he decided to try a different option, ridiculous as it seemed. He inserted his own key into her door. The lock clicked. He turned the handle. The door opened.
‘Interesting,’ he murmured.
‘What is?’ she asked, her words slightly slurred and as he looked down at her, realised her eyelids were already half-closed.
‘Nothing. Come on, honey. Let’s get you into bed.’
‘Bed?’ She roused as he walked her into her apartment. It took him a split second to realise the set up was the mirror image of his own apartment and he headed for the bedroom. ‘I can’t go to bed with you. I can’t, Miles. I want to but we can’t. You’ll be gone in six months and my life will be here with painful memories and …’ She yawned as he carefully guided her to the bed and pushed aside the covers.
‘We’re not going to bed together. Just you in your bed. Me in mine. It’s safer that way.’
‘Safer,’ she repeated as she pulled the band from her hair, blonde locks spilling out against the red satin pillowcase. He pulled the covers over her, his gut tightening at the glorious picture she made. Eyes closed, body resting, face devoid of emotion. Unable to contain himself, he reached out and brushed her hair back from her face, allowing the pale strands to sift gloriously through his fingers. So silky, so soft.
Swallowing, he bent over her, pressing his lips to her forehead, knowing he shouldn’t but powerless to resist. He breathed her in, closing his eyes as he committed the sensations to memory. The feel of her skin against his lips, the way her subtle scents surrounded him, the rhythm of her steady, even breathing.
‘Sleep sweet, Nessa,’ he whispered, before standing and striding firmly from her apartment, desperate now to push aside the longing and the loneliness that swamped him.
‘Ready?’
Janessa turned and watched as Miles walked into her office, taking in the more casual attire of blue jeans, navy blue polo shirt and top-of-the-line running shoes on his feet. He looked so relaxed, so casual. Even the way he usually wore his hair was different, more ruffled and slightly spiked on top rather than brushed into a neat and ordered style.