Although she might not want to talk about their kiss, about the sensations and emotions which had been evoked, awoken as though from a long and weary sleep, Miles couldn’t ignore the way he felt for Janessa any more. Where he’d thought he’d never be able to move on from Wendy’s death, here he was, desperate for some sort of signal from Janessa that she felt the same way, that she’d enjoyed the kiss, that she wanted more.
Instead, he used the excuse of leaning forward to peer more closely at the baby girls, to shift his body nearer to hers, to settle her within the circle of his arms, to have the curves of her body pressed to his, moulding as though they were meant for each other.
‘Just there.’ She pointed, not wanting to move away from the strength of his arm about her shoulders and angling her body towards his in order to fit more snugly against him. She knew she shouldn’t. She knew she should find some sort of self-discipline to ease herself away from him, to draw back, to create distance between them because it would be far too easy to continue to snuggle in closer, especially now she knew how powerful and masterful he could be when his mouth was pressed to hers.
As though his thoughts mirrored her own, Miles angled her even closer and when she glanced up at him, it was the easiest thing in the world to lower his head a fraction, close the short distance between them and capture her lips once more in a kiss.
This time there was no initial surprise, his senses recalling with perfect clarity how she tasted. This time there were no flying goggles to distract them so they could focus on the powerful explosion of desire that existed between them. This time it was even more perfect than before.
She almost sighed into him as he once more brought her body to life. When she’d dated in the past, when she’d been interested in other men, she’d always managed to stay in complete control of her emotions. Not so with Miles. He seemed to have burst into her life, strapped her to a seat and taken her for a ride she hadn’t known existed.
She’d been a pilot for many years. She’d competed in aerobatic competitions and done a multitude of extreme sports, such as parachuting, hang-gliding and para-sailing. She loved the sensation of being up in the air, of losing herself to the experience and exhilaration of such activities, but none had prepared her for the way she felt when being this close to Miles Trevellion.
Her breathing increased, her heart pummelled a wild rhythm against her chest, her mouth ardently seeking his, wanting to match him moment by moment, her knees beginning to weaken as he continued to create havoc with her equilibrium.
She was vulnerable. She was emotional. She was becoming too close to a man who would one day leave her world. She’d thought she’d been in love with Bradley all those years ago but she’d been a young and naïve teenager. She hadn’t listened to the advice of those closest to her and then disaster had struck. Her son had died, her marriage had ended and then her mother had been taken from her.
Control had been her answer. To gain control over her life, she’d set off on a career of medicine, determined to specialise in the neonatal field to be able to help others. She’d worked hard, keeping any possible romantic connections strictly under control … until Miles had burst into her life.
Earlier today, this man’s mouth had been wreaking havoc with her senses, just as it was now, and she was loving every moment of it. Kissing Miles, having his mouth on hers was like a dream come true, and it was a dream she’d had every night since he’d first arrived, since that first accidental kiss.
She was enjoying, far too much, the way he made her feel, the way his mouth seemed to know exactly how to tease and elicit a response. She could feel the way he appeared to be straining to keep himself under control, to keep things slow and steady, but it was there … the powerful, hot and heavy need to draw her even closer, to take the natural chemistry that existed between them out for a spin.
That was why she had to pull back. That was why she needed distance from him. He was starting to break down the heavy protective wall she’d built around herself, to keep her safe from ever giving her heart to another. The way he made her feel wasn’t just physical attraction—it was an attraction of their souls. Miles understood her, appreciated her, respected her, and those special qualities would be able to completely expose her heart if she wasn’t careful.
When she’d accepted the position as head of NICU years ago, Sheena had been adamant that it had been time for Janessa to start dating. Reluctantly Janessa had agreed but after about a year of the odd date here and there, her father’s illness had required her attention and she’d split her time between caring for him and working round the clock at the hospital.
And now she had Ellie and Sarah. Two beautiful, precious, wonderful babies to help care for. It wasn’t going to be an easy road. She knew she’d have to be there to support Sheena, to be strong for her friend, but when Miles held her like this, kissed her like this, when he touched her, held her hand, offered comfort, she wanted this to last for ever. She would be there to support Sheena and Miles could be there to support her. Couldn’t he?
She knew that he would leave—eventually—and that if she did rely on him to renew her strength, she would run the risk of being even more hurt than she had been all those years ago when her marriage had failed.
Miles was kissing her. He’d opened a part of her she’d thought she’d locked securely away, and she knew, she knew full well that if she didn’t start finding a way to distance herself from him, there was a fair chance she’d fall in love with him before she’d realised it.
Dangerous. The man was dangerous. Dangerous, powerful and overwhelmingly addictive.
Even though the kiss felt as though it had lasted an eternity, in reality it had been less than a minute. Janessa eased back, resting her head against his chest for a moment as she allowed her breathing to return to normal. She looked at the girls. The two darlings lying there, sleeping, their machines beeping in a steady and controlled rhythm. Thank goodness their eyes had been closed and they hadn’t seen their Aunty Janessa kissing their Uncle Miles. It took another moment of gathering her strength before she pulled back, turning away from him.
‘Everything all right?’ Miles asked, his deep tone filled with desire.
‘We need to monitor the girls.’ Her tone was more brisk than she’d intended but even though the kiss hadn’t lasted that long, she felt guilty at giving in to her weakness for Miles when she’d been supposed to be monitoring the girls.
‘The girls are fine. In fact, they’re better than fine.’ His voice was calm but his words were insistent. ‘They’re about the healthiest set of conjoined twins I’ve seen delivered in quite a few years. Janessa, we need to talk.’
She glanced at him. ‘We can’t, Miles,’ she said softly, surprised at the huskiness of her own voice.
‘Can’t?’
‘You know what I’m talking about.’
‘Do I?’
‘Please? Don’t do this.’
‘Do what? Question you? Comfort you? Hold you? Kiss you?’ He raked a hand through his hair, knowing full well that what she was saying was the right thing to do but not wanting to do it.
‘All of the above.’ She spread her arms wide, shifting around to the side of the humidicrib, putting a bit more distance between them. She pretended to check the machines, to be doing anything other than standing there, looking at him. Especially when the pull to return to his arms, to press her entire body against his, to run her fingers through his hair, to urge his head down until their mouths met in hot and hungry passion were becoming the only thoughts in her mind.
‘We can’t.’ She kept her back to him, knowing that if she looked at him, she would give in. She wasn’t as strong as people thought. ‘We’re colleagues and we have a busy few months ahead of us with the girls and getting ready for their many surgeries.’
‘Do you know how many women I’ve kissed since my wife died?’
‘Miles.’ She looked at him, even though she’d just told herself not to. ‘Don’t.’ She shook her head, definitely not wanting to know the answer. Even the thought of him with another woman made her insides twist with distaste and jealousy, and that was precisely the reason why she needed to keep her distance from him.
‘One. You. That’s it. Wendy passed away seven years ago and you’re the first woman I’ve been really interested in since.’ He gestured at the distance between them. ‘This sort of thing, this instant attraction, doesn’t happen every day, you know.’
‘I know. Do you think I don’t know that? But you’re in my head, Miles. You’re clouding my thought processes and right now I need to keep them focused on the girls. They need me. Sheena needs me. Being around you, when you touch me, hold me, comfort me … kiss me …’ She’d said the last words softly, looking away from him, unable to continue to look into those hypnotic blue eyes of his. ‘You mix things up.’ She took another half-step away.
‘I don’t know what it is that exists between us and quite frankly I don’t want to know because I don’t have the time for it. And neither, for that matter, do you. We’ve run out of time and now we have a job to do. You came to Adelaide Mercy for a very specific reason.’ She pointed to the small little girls. ‘Two very specific reasons, and you have the knowledge and the know-how to lead this team forward so that these little darlings can enjoy happy and normal lives. Then you and I will go our separate ways. You’ll head off to the next set of conjoined twins who need your expertise and I’ll stay here to help Sheena in every way I can.’
‘And we’ll never know what this frighteningly natural chemistry that exists between us means?’
‘Exactly.’
‘And what if I’m not happy about that? What if I don’t agree to your terms?’
‘Then that’s tough.’
Miles couldn’t believe what she was saying and neither could he believe how much her words were hurting him. He’d grown close to her, he’d been intrigued by her, he’d come to admire her, and yet, as she stood on the opposite side of the small private room from him, it felt as though she was skewering his heart with the sharpest scalpel in the world.
T
WO
weeks later, as Janessa and Kaycee finished returning the twins to their special crib after Sheena had finished cuddling them, making sure all the tubes and wires weren’t twisted and everything was in the right places, Janessa came and sat by her friend. It might be two o’clock in the morning, but being here in the NICU meant she didn’t have to be in her apartment, listening to Miles, thinking about Miles, dreaming about Miles.
Since the day the girls had been born, both of them had ensured that they were never left alone in a room, that they sat as far away from each other as they could during the continued meetings pertaining to Ellie’s and Sarah’s separation operations.
‘They’re so incredibly beautiful,’ Sheena said, looking at her daughters with complete awe. ‘I look at them and can’t understand why Jonas wouldn’t ever want to have children and how he could possibly disown his own daughters.’ She shook her head.
‘He wasn’t strong enough. Not like you,’ Janessa answered.
‘Probably. You know, lying there in that hospital bed, being an incubator, definitely gave me a lot of time to think.’
‘And?’
‘And a lot of the pain and heartbreak and disbelief I felt when Jonas left isn’t worth dwelling on. He was weak, selfish and stubborn. Definitely not the sort of father a mother would want for her special girls.’
‘And they are special.’ Janessa sighed as she looked at them. ‘You’re right, Sheena. It’s not worth dwelling on.’
‘I know I have my work cut out for me. Single mother. Raising twins. On her own.’
‘You won’t be alone,’ Janessa protested strongly. ‘You are
not
alone.’
‘Oh, I know I have everyone’s support here at the hospital, but people come and go, they have their own lives, their own problems. The bottom line is these are my girls. My girls. Isn’t that amazing? They’re my babies. No one can take them away from me. Not ever.’ Sheena sighed and looked at her babies with complete adoration. ‘They’re mine.’
A lump sprang instantly to Janessa’s throat at Sheena’s words.
No one can take them away from me.
Sheena had her babies and while Sheena would share and need help and support from Janessa, the fact still remained. They were
Sheena’s
babies. Not
hers.
‘Anyway.’ Janessa said, pushing the pain away, determined not to intrude on Sheena’s wonderful moment. Her friend deserved so much happiness, so much love, so much joy and now she had it. ‘Now that the girls are fed, changed and sleeping, I’d better go do a round of the nursery and get caught up on some of my paperwork.’
‘Nessa? Are you all right?’ Sheena asked, yawning a little.
‘I’m fine. Make sure you don’t stay too long. You need your rest, too, Mummy.’
Sheena smiled at the title. ‘I will, but I’d like to stay a little longer and just watch them sleep. They’re such angels.’
‘OK.’ With that Janessa headed out into the NICU, checked on a few other babies and then headed to her office, and throughout the entire time Sheena’s words were in her mind, repeating themselves over and over, niggling at her.
Ellie and Sarah were
Sheena’s
babies.
Janessa didn’t deny her friend the happiness of saying those words but at the same time they pierced her soul, dredging up her painful past. She hadn’t been so lucky.
Pressing her hands to her temples, she could feel the beginnings of a bad headache coming on … a migraine. She hadn’t had one in well over a decade. Terrible, stressful, debilitating migraines. If she didn’t take care and head straight to bed, she’d be useless in the string of meetings scheduled to start at nine o’clock next morning.
Knowing it was the right thing to do, she ignored her paperwork, said goodnight to Kaycee and the other night-shift nurses, pleased to hear that Sheena had just returned to Maternity, before heading out of the NICU.
They’re my babies. No one can take them away from me.
The closer she was to the residential wing, the more Sheena’s words seemed to turn in her mind. It was as though hearing them had unlocked the past, unlocked the memories of her son, memories she didn’t want to remember.
When she exited the stairwell on the third floor, she tried to be as quiet as she could, not wanting to wake Miles. It was as though they were sharing a house where none of the rooms actually interconnected but they could hear everything that happened.
The pounding in her head was becoming quite fierce now and she walked carefully to the kitchenette, drawing her emergency medical kit from the cupboard. She had nothing stronger than paracetamol, but for now that would have to do.
They’re my babies. No one can take them away from me.
The words repeated as though on a constant loop, and Janessa was unable to choke back a loud sob. She tried to fill a glass with water in order to take the tablets but found her hand was shaking too much, the water sloshing everywhere. She put the glass down before it slipped from her hand, pain piercing her heart so intensely that she wasn’t sure she would ever breathe properly again.
Sliding to the floor, she hugged her knees and started to cry, the pounding in her head becoming worse with every stifled noise she made. The pressure, the pain, the pounding … on and on they went, before she could take the throbbing around her mind no more and, dashing to the bathroom, was violently ill.
Rinsing her mouth and brushing her teeth, she was startled when Miles called through the wall, ‘Janessa? Are you all right?’
‘I’m fine,’ she called back, not wanting him to intrude on her pain. She was trying to keep her distance from him, trying to make sure she didn’t get hurt by not becoming involved with him on a personal level. ‘Didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to bed.’
Her vulnerability was at an all-time high right now, and if Miles came over, if he held her, if he—
The sound of her front door opening caused her heart to jump into her throat.
‘Janessa?’
‘Miles? How did you get in? The door was locked. I checked it. I made sure,’ she said, walking out of the bathroom, catching a glimpse of her red eyes and blotchy skin in the mirror, to find him standing in her front hallway.
‘My key works in your lock. No doubt yours works in mine but none of that is relevant right now.’ He walked towards her, taking in her features. ‘You were sick. Are you all right? Did you eat something wrong? Have you been injured?’ He reached out for her but she backed away.
‘I’m fine. Go back to bed.’ It was only as she said the words that she realised he was dressed in a pair of denim jeans, a T-shirt still clasped loosely in one hand, as though he hadn’t had time to dress in his rush to get to her. ‘I didn’t mean to disturb your sleep.’
‘Janessa?’ Miles was now clearly puzzled. It was obvious that she wanted him to leave but it was also obvious that she wasn’t being completely truthful with him. ‘It’s clear that, contrary to what you’re saying, you are not
fine
—in fact, you’re quite pale.’
‘Ugly, you mean.’ She turned her back to him, not wanting to look at the incredible sight he made. She walked through to her room, now just wanting to lie down on her bed and cry herself to sleep.
‘No. A little red around the eyes maybe, but most definitely not ugly.’ There was a strength to his words and she wanted to believe him. Instead, she kicked off her shoes and climbed into her bed, laying her head on the pillow and closing her eyes.
‘I just need sleep. You let yourself in. You can let yourself out.’
‘So you’re not sick?’
‘If it’s the meeting you’re worried about, don’t be. I’ll be there at nine o’clock sharp.’
‘I don’t care about the meeting, Janessa.’ There was impatience in his tone and she opened her eyes to look at him, very grateful that he’d at least put his T-shirt on and covered his tempting upper body. ‘I care about
you.’
‘Well, don’t.’
‘Why? It’s not something I can switch on and off any time I feel like it. You know there’s this thing between us … this attraction that we’re both working so desperately to fight.’
‘I thought it was merely an attraction. I didn’t know there was caring involved.’ Her words were careless and tired but they triggered an immediate reaction when Miles closed the distance between them and lifted her into a sitting position, his hands firm on her arms but not to the point where he was hurting her.
‘Of course I care about you. How could I not when I can’t stop thinking about you? Don’t you have any idea how you get to me, how you manage to get under my skin, to disturb my train of thought? I sit in meetings and all I can think about is you. I see you in the NICU and I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to kiss you again. You’re turning my thoughts from my work and driving me insane.’ He gave her a little shake, exasperation flooding through him.
‘I know we’ve both been doing our best to avoid each other but it’s clear that there’s something wrong. You were sick. I could hear you courtesy of the thin walls and terrible plumbing pipes.’ His hands had gentled now and she could feel the exasperation change to the strong awareness that seemed to exist permanently between them. ‘What happened? Is there something wrong in the NICU? What is it, Janessa? Are the girls OK?’
‘They’re fine. Better than fine. So gorgeous and strong and healthy and … alive.’ On the last word, all the strength seemed to leave her and she sagged against Miles. ‘They’re so alive, Miles. So alive. Not like my little boy at all. He died.’
The tears slid down her cheeks and Miles immediately gathered her to him, shifting them around so that he could sit up against the headboard of the bed and hold Janessa close.
‘My Connor,’ she said between hiccups. ‘I couldn’t face holding him. The staff were wonderful, caring and doing all they could for us. They tried to encourage me to hold him, to say goodbye, to achieve closure, but right then and there I … I couldn’t. I felt so weak, so useless, so scared.’
‘Oh, Nessa,’ he whispered, feeling her pain.
‘Then, later on, I couldn’t sleep. The nurse on the ward was wonderful and when she asked me if I wanted to try and say goodbye to Connor, I agreed. She arranged everything, she was amazing. I was escorted down to the mortuary, to the small viewing room, and … I saw him. I held him. My baby. So still. So cold.’ Janessa sniffed. ‘So … lifeless.’ She shook her head, her words barely audible. ‘I was too young. My life with Bradley was over. We just couldn’t get past the loss of our baby. And then … my mum died. My beautiful, sweet, loving mum. I lost so much.’
Miles listened to her talk, stroking her hair, hearing her heartbreak in every word she spoke. It was obvious she hadn’t dealt with the pain of her past … but, then, until he’d met her, neither had he. He’d just forged ahead, putting his past away. He knew how she felt but at least, being there for her, holding her, helping her … hopefully she’d be able to move forward, just as she’d helped him to start letting go of his own past.
‘After I buried Connor, the doctor said it wasn’t wise to try for another pregnancy too soon. Bradley and I … we were both so young and in pain. We took it out on each other, blamed each other, but in the end we knew we would never be able to go back to the young carefree teenagers we’d been before Connor was born. I felt as though my life was over. That there was nothing more for me, no happily-ever-after.’
Miles shook his head. ‘But you were strong. Perhaps stronger than you realised because look at what you’ve managed to accomplish. You went to medical school, worked hard, trained hard, no doubt determined to specialise in neonatology, to help other confused and hurting mothers. The people who have been through the same or similar experiences are the ones who can offer the most hope, the most compassion and the most understanding to those who follow. Your experiences have made you a better doctor, Nessa, even if you don’t see it that way. You are a strong and incredibly intelligent woman. You’re amazing.’
Janessa allowed his sweet yet strong and powerful words to wash over her, dissolving more of the protective walls she’d built around herself. Was that how he saw her? As a strong woman? Filled with compassion? Why was it that she couldn’t see herself that way?
‘You also looked after your father when he was ill. Sheena told me how you were his sole carer until his death.’
‘And I grumbled about it at times,’ she added. ‘It isn’t easy to look after a parent, especially when you can see their health failing right before your eyes.’
‘It’s not meant to be easy. The hard times only make us stronger. Easy to say, difficult to work through but still so very true.’
Janessa knew he was right and the fact that he’d been through his own heart-wrenching experiences made her listen to his words. ‘So is that how you view your own negative experiences, Miles? How can you turn what happened to you into a positive?’ She asked the question quietly, hiccupping a little now that her tears had stopped.
Miles rested his head against the wall and slowly exhaled. ‘I don’t know, Nessa, but for a while there I had to force myself to get out of bed, to remember to breathe in and out every day, to push through the pain of my loss and try to find some sort of silver lining. My wife and son died and there was nothing I could do.’
‘You were unconscious. You were hurt as well,’ she pointed out, remembering what he’d told her.
‘I woke up to … nothing.’ He tightened his hold on her, loving the feel of her in his arms, the support and comfort she was allowing him to take from her. ‘It’s a day that’s forever burned into my brain. The happiness of being on the train, of being with my family, of looking out the window at the incredible view, and then … nothingness.’
Janessa looked up at him, his square jaw clenched with stubbornness, his eyes staring off into the distance. ‘The pain and heartbreak at being left so alone isn’t a nice feeling, especially when your family was ripped from you so suddenly, but yet you went on. That takes strength.’
Miles looked down into her beautiful brown eyes, slightly red-rimmed from crying, but even so she looked gorgeous. ‘What else is there to do?’
‘Give up? Walk away from medicine? Change jobs? Lock yourself away? But you didn’t do any of that.’