‘Neither did you,’ he felt compelled to point out.
Janessa gave him a crooked smile. ‘A real mutual admiration society, aren’t we?’
‘We’ve got to stick together in this world.’ He nodded, but his gaze dipped down to her lips.
‘Yes.’
Miles swallowed and brought his free hand up to caress her cheek. ‘You are so lovely, Janessa.’
She gasped at his words, her heart starting to pound wildly in her chest. She wanted him. She wanted him so badly she felt as though she was going to burst with desire. How could he elicit such emotions from her so effortlessly? Her breathing started to increase and she licked her lips as his gaze caressed her.
‘I am so sorry for the pain you’ve been through, for what you’ve lost, but right now all I can think about is kissing you.’
‘Oh.’ The small word came out on a hiccupping breath and she found that she couldn’t stop from staring into his come-hither blue eyes.
‘Ever since the day the girls were born—which seems like half a lifetime ago, rather than just a few weeks—I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how perfect your mouth felt against mine. About how perfectly you fit into my arms. About how perfect we are together.’
She wanted it, too. Wanted nothing more than to follow through on her heart’s desire but she paused, just for a second. ‘But we can’t. We work together. We have—’
Miles shook his head and placed a finger across her lips, stopping her words. ‘Shh. I don’t want to rationalise this, Janessa. I’ve spent too much time trying to figure things out, trying to deny the way being near you makes me feel, but the truth of the matter is that you make me feel alive again.
‘For the past seven years since Wendy’s death, I’ve been existing, going from one job to the next, in order to help out where I could but also to close myself off from the world. It’s easy to move through the world, to appear fine and healthy when you know how. You smile, you nod, you provide your expertise. You receive thanks, you shake hands, you go on your way, heading off to the next place where you do it all again. No one gets close enough to touch the real you, deep down inside. Everyone is kept at arm’s length. Everything is under control. Or at least that’s how my life was … until I met you.’ His finger outlined her trembling lips and Janessa’s eyelids fluttered closed as she accepted the caress.
‘Miles.’ His name was a breathless whisper. ‘I want this, too, but—’
‘You don’t want to get hurt when I leave,’ he finished for her, shifting slightly to bring her a little closer to him.
‘Yes.’ She opened her eyes and looked directly into his.
‘I can’t promise anything, Janessa, only that I want to spend more time with you, to hold you close, to kiss you. I never thought I would
ever
become interested in a woman again and the fact that I have, the fact that I want you, that I can’t stop thinking about you, that I want to kiss you every time I see you, is a miracle within itself. I didn’t think I had the capacity to care for anyone as deeply as I do for you.’
‘So … what are you saying? That you’ll stay? That you’ll remain in Adelaide once the girls have been separated? That you want to keep seeing me? Spending time with me?’
Miles looked down at her mouth, tempted to lie, to promise her whatever she wanted, just so he could kiss those perfect lips of hers … but he knew he couldn’t. She’d been hurt so long ago and the fact that she was still so incredibly cautious only showed him just how deep that hurt had gone. It also showed him that he owed her one thing right now, and that was the complete truth.
‘It’s tempting, Nessa. So very tempting, and that in itself is something new. I’ve always been in control, had things mapped out, known exactly what’s happening next, but not now.’ He spoke so clearly, so articulately, and it was just another facet to him that she was coming to love.
Love?
Janessa ignored the thought, focusing on the here and now because on a romantic level the ‘here and now’ always ended with a generous serving of pain and sadness later on. Why was it that he had to go? Why did he have to leave? To move? Wasn’t it worthwhile, staying here? Seeing whether these wonderful sensations that had existed between them since they’d first met meant anything?
‘Janessa?’ Miles saw confusion, anxiousness and longing cross her face, and he knew she was just as confused as he was. ‘You once asked me if there was any hope for a “happily ever after” for control freaks such as us.’
‘Mm-hm?’
‘I think there might be.’
‘Really?’ She edged closer, hope filling her heart as she leaned up towards his mouth, wanting more than the touch of his fingers on her neck, her cheeks, her lips.
‘Yes.’ The word was a whisper of promise. What was coursing between them, filling the room with energy and repressed tension, was too strong for either of them to cope with right now. ‘I want you, Janessa. Don’t ever think that I don’t.’
‘Show me, Miles.’
‘Oh, honey, I want to.’ He closed his eyes as though in pain. ‘Believe me, I want to.’ He brushed his thumb over her lips once more before gently easing himself away. Where he found the strength, he had no idea but now, when she’d been upset, when she was tired, when both of them had no real answers to their present dilemma, he also knew he couldn’t take advantage of her. She was too special, too precious. She wasn’t just
some woman.
She was an
important
woman in his life. That was the realisation he’d reached tonight and as such she deserved far more than he could presently give.
‘But we both need to get some sleep.’ He stood with his back to her as he collected himself, slowly exhaling before walking around the bed. ‘Rest.’ He reached out and brushed some hair from her forehead. ‘More meetings in the morning.’
‘Yes.’ Janessa captured his hand in hers and sat up, kissing his knuckles. ‘Thank you, Miles.’
‘For?’
‘For being a gentleman. For listening. For comforting.’
Miles’s heart was throbbing in his chest and he clenched his jaw for another long moment, wanting her so badly but knowing it wasn’t right … not yet. He gave her a crooked smile and pushed his free hand through his hair. ‘Glad I could help.’ He stood there for a moment, just looking at her, feeling his superhuman strength start to drain. ‘Good heavens, you’re beautiful,’ he ground out, and then, before he succumbed, he let go of her hand and headed towards the front door.
‘Miles?’ Janessa was on her feet and heading after him as quickly as she could. He stopped by her open front door and spun around eagerly to face her. ‘What does this mean? About us?
Is
there an us?’
He could hear, could see all her vulnerabilities. She was being open with him, allowing him to see the real Janessa, and she couldn’t have given him a stronger reason to give her the answer she deserved. ‘Yes. Yes, honey. Whether we like it or not, there is an us.’ He wasn’t sure how she’d take that news. They’d both verbalised their feelings, their uncertainty, their hesitation in moving forward.
Janessa nodded slowly, then took him completely by surprise when she stepped forward and wrapped her arms about him. Her body, soft and glorious against his own. ‘If there really is an “us”, then there’s also a “we”, and I think
we
should at least kiss goodnight,’ she murmured, and when his arms slid eagerly around her waist, she brought his head down so their lips could meet, both of them giving in to the powerful sensations that zinged between them.
She was perfect. So sweet, so supple, so sensual. She was sugar and spice and all things nice, and yet he wasn’t sure whether standing here, holding her, kissing her was the right thing to do when his need for her continued to increase.
Groaning with regret, Miles eased back after a few minutes and set her at arm’s length—her inside her door, he in the corridor outside.
‘Now. Get some sleep. We’ll … talk more later on today.’
Janessa sighed and smiled at him, her eyelids half-closed with relaxed sensuality. ‘OK.’ Still, she didn’t move. She just stood leaning against the wall, looking at him with a little half-smile on her lips. It was very disconcerting and extremely distracting, especially when he was trying to do the right thing.
‘Uh … how about we have breakfast together?’
She nodded. ‘Sounds great.’
‘I have fresh fruit and bagels.’
Her smile increased. ‘I’ll make fresh coffee. Your place or mine?’ She giggled a little and it was all Miles could do not to gather her up and close her door with him firmly on the other side of it with her. He shoved his hands into his pockets and balled them into fists.
‘Yours.’
‘Set your alarm clock for the usual time. I’ve been relying on it to wake me up for the past few weeks. Tomorrow morning shouldn’t be any different.’ Her smile was now wide, sleepy and inviting. He clenched his jaw so tight, his head began to ache.
‘Until then.’ And before he could be affected by her any more, he reached forward and pulled her door closed, effectively shutting her in and himself out. Quickly, he opened his own door and went into his apartment, being mindful to be as quiet as possible as he walked straight to the bedroom and fell onto the bed, burying his face in the pillows.
Janessa was incredible, gorgeous and driving him to distraction. The last time he’d felt this way about a woman, the last time he’d allowed a woman to get this deep beneath his carefully groomed exterior, he’d married her. He and Wendy had enjoyed a few wonderful years together but then she’d been taken from him, leaving him all alone.
Now, out of the blue, he’d found Janessa. Funny, clever, evocative Janessa, and he knew he was in real danger of losing his heart.
T
HEY
met for breakfast the next morning, enjoying coffee, bagels and fruit whilst deciding to spend as much time together as their schedules would allow.
Ever since the safe delivery of Ellie and Sarah into the world, the planning for their first operation of inserting the tissue expanders had accelerated. The different specialists Miles had requested to assist him with the surgery would be arriving in the next few weeks. However, the major surgical procedure, the actual separation, wouldn’t take place until Miles deemed the girls healthy enough to endure an intense anaesthetic.
Until then, there were still several planning sessions and extra scans to be completed. The planning for a surgical procedure for separating conjoined twins was extensive. Of course, this extra workload also meant that any free time Janessa and Miles might previously have enjoyed was sucked away by meetings and paperwork.
They also had to juggle the press, to ensure that no one from the media could sneak into the NICU to take photographs of the twins. Charisma, the hospital CEO, was controlling this as best she could, but it meant that Sheena and the girls were often hidden away in a corner of the NICU where even the other young mothers weren’t able to pry.
Official photographs had been taken of mother and daughters and Sheena had given a few interviews earlier on, and once that was out of the way they were able to focus completely on maintaining the health of the twins.
Throughout it all, Janessa and Miles tried to eat at least one meal together every day, and as they didn’t keep conventional hours, sometimes they found themselves sitting in the hospital cafeteria at three o’clock in the morning, quite content to talk and share with each other.
The fact that Miles knew of her past, knew of her heartbreak and the inner turmoil she’d experienced only made it easier for her to talk to him. He understood. He’d been in a similar position and by the same token she found herself wanting to know about his life, wanting to know where he went to medical school, how often he saw his parents and siblings.
Sometimes he looked as though he was about to clam up, to not give a straight answer to what she wanted to know, but every time he would take a breath and talk. He was so generous and it also showed Janessa that he really was invested in the ‘us’ that existed between them.
Still, they continued to take things one step at a time. They enjoyed spending time with each other and they enjoyed working together. The more they talked, the more they understood that this attraction, which seemed to have existed between them almost from the instant they’d met, was only intensifying with each passing moment.
Still, she knew their time together was limited. Miles was a man of great skill and importance in the world of conjoined twins. His expertise would always be in demand and she had no idea where or how she would fit into any plans he might make. It was the only thing that worried her but she tried her best not to show it, putting on a brave face, being happy whenever they were together yet always waiting for that axe to fall.
‘This is my favourite and worst part of the day,’ Miles said one evening as he stood at Janessa’s apartment door, drawing her into his arms.
‘Well, that’s not at all ambiguous,’ she drawled.
‘It’s my favourite because I get to kiss you, but the worst because we must part.’
‘You’re so poetic,’ she remarked as she brushed her fingers lovingly through his hair, pulling out a piece of confetti. ‘Can you believe the girls are already one month old?’
‘The time does seem to be flying by at the rate of knots.’
‘It was so sweet of you to organise that little party for Sheena in my office.’
‘Sweet?’ He quirked an eyebrow at the adjective.
‘Thoughtful?’
He raised the other brow.
‘Masterful?’ she tried, but only caused his expression to turn more quizzical. ‘Stroke of genius?’
‘Ah, that’s better. Genius. I like the sound of that one.’
Janessa laughed, unable to believe she could be this happy as he brought her closer and captured her lips with his. She gasped a little, just as she did every time when that first electrifying contact was made. Then she would sigh and lean into him, loving the slow and perfect movement of his mouth on hers.
Miles listened to her, supported her, argued with her—when it was warranted—and held her so securely in his arms whenever he said goodnight. They were a couple and they didn’t hide it. Everyone knew, and was very pleased, about this latest development between the two neonatologists.
‘It’s about time,’ Sheena had said, happy for both her friends. ‘I could tell the instant I saw the two of you together that you were meant for each other.’ She’d clapped her hands. ‘So? What happens next? Will you be staying in Adelaide, Miles?’
‘Um …’ Miles had looked at Janessa, at the woman who had the ability to fill him with the strongest sense of belonging. ‘Charisma has approached me about extending my contract here at Adelaide Mercy.’
‘Wow.’ Sheena had been surprised. ‘Charisma will no doubt do everything she can to secure your services.’
Miles had smiled and it had been then Janessa had noted that the smile hadn’t reached his eyes. Was he possibly considering staying here at Adelaide Mercy? To be with her? She couldn’t help but think that he’d miss the travel, miss the excitement of helping other sets of conjoined twins. He had so much expertise and knowledge it almost seemed a waste of talent to hold him to just one place.
Even now, as he held her in his arms, as he kissed her so completely, so passionately, she couldn’t help but wonder if he would stay because it was what he wanted to do, or if he was considering staying because this was where she was?
‘Well, my genius,’ she murmured as she closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest, not bothering to hide the fact that his kisses had made her breathless. ‘I was looking in my diary and noticed that on Friday afternoon both of us have a block of two whole hours where there are no meetings, no scans, no ward rounds, no anything.’
Miles frowned but there was a twinkle in his eyes as he eased her back a little to look into her glorious face. ‘Really? Can that be possible? You don’t actually mean we might have some … leisure time?’
Janessa laughed. ‘It does look that way.’
‘Hmm.’ He smiled. ‘What did you have in mind and does it involve your car?’
‘Well, well, well. A genius and a mind-reader.’
‘Airfield?’
‘Airfield,’ she agreed. ‘You can drive the car and I’ll fly the plane.’
‘Sounds like a plan.’
‘A plan for five days in advance.’ Janessa grimaced. ‘Here’s hoping that nothing—’
Miles pressed a kiss to her lips, effectively cutting off her words. ‘Don’t even say it. Let’s just hold on to the dream of Friday.’ He kissed her again, then put her from him. ‘Sleep sweet, my Nessa.’
‘See you in the morning,’ she replied as she reluctantly eased from his arms. Leaning against the door after she’d closed it, she hugged her arms close, feeling bereft of his touch. She loved him so much and she wondered if she had the strength to give him up.
A fax had been sent through to the NICU for Dr Trevellion and it had arrived on her desk along with all the other faxes for the NICU. The letter had been from a hospital in the UK, requesting his valued expertise with the case of another set of conjoined twins that were due to be born around Christmas.
When she’d read the letter—purely by accident at first—her throat had gone dry and her stomach had churned, making her feel instantly ill at the thought of Miles leaving. He hadn’t said a word to her about the offer and she wondered whether he was going to accept.
How could he not? He was a man with such an incredible skill and thanks to him and a team of highly skilled professionals, he was able to provide a healthy and separate existence for babies who were born conjoined. How could she possibly ask him to stay? To turn down the job in order to be with her?
How was she going to face not seeing him? Not holding him? Not being with him? Not kissing him? He was her joy, her elation, her happiness. It had taken her so long to find him and now … now that she had … she was supposed to let him go? It wasn’t fair!
Hearing him shuffling around next door, she put her hand up to the wall, knowing she would do her best to be happy, to enjoy the time they had left together. She desperately wanted—no,
needed
—to be close to him. Her Miles. Her life. Her love.
Miles pressed his hand to the wall, desperately wanting to be with Janessa. So many times during the past few weeks he’d wanted to pick up a sledgehammer and smash a hole in the wall that separated them. He wanted to be with Janessa, not just for now but for ever.
The knowledge had stunned him and it was then he’d finally admitted that his feelings for Janessa were those of love. He loved her. He’d fallen in love again and that in itself was a miracle. For far too many years his life had been lonely and empty and he’d worked hard to fill it and be satisfied within his professional life at least. Everyone in the neonate world knew of Miles Trevellion but Janessa was the only one who
knew
him.
The discussions they’d had, not only about the twins but about the advances in medical technology, the memories they’d shared of their past, of their babies whose lives had been cut so short and the painful hurt that had followed, bonded them closer. He recalled the quiet, reflective moments when they’d been flying in her Tiger Moth, looking at the calm scenery below, relaxing in each other’s company.
All of these moments, such as holding her close, offering comfort when they’d been unable to save little Philip or after their first meal together when she’d turned her head and his lips had been pressed to hers in a glorious tantalising accident … they were all perfect and wonderful and he wanted so desperately to stay, to be with Janessa, to make more memories, to move forward with his life rather than going around in circles.
Earlier that day, he’d received a phone call from the hospital in the UK, the same hospital that had faxed over an invitation for him to lead a team of neonatologists in separating the next case of conjoined twins, which had only just been diagnosed. The hospital director had been insistent for Miles to accept as soon as possible. The sooner planning could start, the better—but for the first time in seven years he’d hesitated, and he’d hesitated because of Janessa.
For the first time he had been unsure of what to do, of what was best—not for his patients—but for
him.
Spending time with Janessa, holding her, being with her, kissing her … If he left, if he accepted the job offer, he wouldn’t be able to do any of those things.
She’d once asked him what he was running away from, why he travelled so much. At the time he’d been unwilling to give her an in-depth answer but now that he’d had some time to really think about it, he realised he hadn’t been running away from anything but rather running towards her. He hadn’t known it at the time, of course. Travelling and being busy had most certainly helped his mental thought processes to deal with the loss of his wife and child, but after seven years he was ready to start living again and he wanted to do that living with Janessa.
On Friday, Janessa tiptoed her way gingerly through the morning, almost waiting for something to go wrong, for the block of time she and Miles had set aside to be eaten up with something else—but it wasn’t.
‘Go and enjoy,’ Sheena said as she finished expressing some breast milk. Both of the girls were starting to put on weight and soon the first of their many surgeries would begin. ‘We’re all doing just fine here. It’s time you and Miles spent some time away from the hospital.’
‘Yes.’ Janessa frowned.
‘Something wrong?’ Sheena asked as she buttoned up her shirt.
‘Nothing. Everything.’
‘Oh. Is that all? Come on. This is me, Nessa. Don’t you think that I can’t see straight through you?’
‘I love him, Sheenie.’ The words came out on a sigh, a sad sigh, filled with resignation.
‘You don’t sound too happy about it.’
‘We can never be together.’ She spoke as though there was no hope for tomorrow. To even contemplate a life without Miles made her heart constrict with pain, it made her stomach twist into knots and it made her want to sit all day and do nothing. Without Miles, she felt her life would lose all meaning.
‘What?’ Sheena sat up straight and glared at her friend. ‘Why ever not?’
‘He’s been offered another job.’
‘Great. He’s a man of talent and skill. It’s not an uncommon occurrence. What’s the problem?’
‘What’s the problem?’ Janessa sprang to her feet, needing to pace, but there was no room—the small NICU cubicle had no room. ‘The problem is that I want him to stay here in Adelaide, with
me.
I can’t let him do that.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because there are other little babies out there who need his expertise. He’s so brilliant and incredible at what he does that I can’t let him stop doing it just because I want him to be with me. That’s a little selfish, don’t you think?’
‘So … go with him.’
Janessa paused. ‘What?’
‘Go with him.’
‘But … uh … what about you? The girls? My friends? My job? My house has almost finished being built. What about that?’
‘Oh, nonsense. All of that is irrelevant. Now that you’ve met Miles and fallen in love with him,
he
should be your first priority. Not me.’
‘But, Sheena, I promised I would always be here to help you.’
‘And you will. It doesn’t mean that you can’t do something else for a while. Why not go with Miles? Help out as part of his team of experts. You’re more than qualified and now, because of Ellie and Sarah, you’ll have had experience in this elite field.’ Sheena laughed. ‘Nessa, the girls are going to be spending the rest of this year, at least, in this hospital. They’re going to be well cared for and we both know I’ll be fine. First I was their incubator. Now I’m their snack machine.’ Sheena rolled her eyes and laughed at herself before standing and crossing to Janessa’s side.
‘If you love Miles—
really
love him, Ness—then you do what you need to do to be happy. Don’t you go thinking about me or the girls or the hospital or your house. None of us are going anywhere and we’ll always be here for you, just as we know you’ll always be there for us.’