Wellington Cross (Wellington Cross Series) (34 page)

That was very tempting, and even though I wasn’t feeling very
amorous anymore, I knew that something like that could quickly get out of
hand.  “No, I can manage.  Thank you, Ethan.”

“Shall I get you some tea?  Do you have any peppermint
leaves?  Perhaps that would help settle your stomach.”

“Yes, I picked some today for the Mint Juleps, but I don’t know how
much is left; they may be all gone.  They were down in the dining room,
Ethan, but don’t go to all the trouble.”

“It’s no trouble at all.  I’ll be back shortly.  You
should get into bed.”

He left, and I closed the door while undressing, putting on a long
white nightgown.  I wanted to open the window, as it was hot in the room,
but it was still raining hard, so I couldn’t.  It would be a long
uncomfortable night, which was just as well.  I wouldn’t be sleeping much
anyway, with all the noise outside and with thoughts of confinement looming in
my head.  I lay down on the bed beside Lillie. 

Ethan returned soon after, tapping lightly on the door.  I
called out for him to come in, and he held a tea cup with mint leaves inside
and a lit candle.

“Found some,” he said.  He placed both of them on the small
table beside my bed by the water pitcher.  He took the candle and lit my
oil lamp that was also on the table.  Then he poured water from the water
pitcher into the tea cup for the mint leaves to steep.  He looked at me in
my thin nightgown, and I hugged my arms around myself, knowing it was thin and
partially see-through, not wanting to entice him again.

“Are you sure you’re all right?  Would you like me to sleep
in here with you and Lillie?  I could sleep on the floor – I wouldn’t mind
– in case you or she needed anything during the night?”  His eyes were
hopeful.  It made my heart ache.  In truth, I’d like nothing more
than to have him close to me all night long, but first of all, I knew that
sleeping on the floor wouldn’t be good for him physically, would be terribly
uncomfortable, as we had done that the night he proposed to me during the
war.  Secondly, if he stayed in the same room with me all night, I knew
I’d end up in the floor with him and we’d have relations…the same thing that
got me into this predicament I found myself in now.

“No, that’s not necessary, Ethan.  But thank you.  If I
need anything, I know where to find you.  You should go back
downstairs.  The rooms on this floor are filled with women.  It
wouldn’t be proper for you to stay in here.  Perhaps there is a room up on
the third floor where Jonas sleeps, however William is also sleeping up
there.  I don’t believe there is a room left.  I apologize for the
lack of hospitality. 

“Just my luck,” he grinned.  “I won’t trouble Jonas. 
I’ll just sleep in the parlor.  That’s where I’ll be if you need
me.”  He walked over to my bed and kissed me on my forehead.  His
expression turned to concern.  “Are you feverish?  You feel very
warm.”

“No, no.  I’ll be fine after I drink some of the tea you made
for me.”

“Shall I open the window?  It’s very stuffy in here.”

“No, the rain will get in.”

“Perhaps not.  I’ll just open it a bit and see what
happens.”  He opened it just about three inches, allowing warm moist air
to envelop the room.  The thick smell of the rain and brine drifted in, as
well.  The open window did help a little.  He put his hand close to
the window to check for rain.  “You see?  No rain is coming in. 
It is worse on the other side of the house, I believe.  Hopefully this
will help you be more comfortable.”  He touched my forehead with his hand,
smoothing my hair off my face.  “You still feel clammy.”  He pulled
his hand back away, and I reached for the tea and took a sip of the lukewarm
liquid.  I sat it back on the table and then settled down on the pillow,
curling my legs up and turning on my side to face Ethan.

He got down on his knees so that his face was even with
mine.  “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve lost some weight.  Are
you sure you’re all right, Maddie?”

“Oh.”  He must have noticed that when we were kissing and
caressing earlier.  I had lost a little weight with all the heaving. 
“I’ll be okay, Ethan.  And don’t worry; it’s nothing you can catch.” 
He looked confused.  “Just a woman thing,” I said, smiling faintly. 
I didn’t want him to think I could infect him or Lillie with any germs,
re-thinking the lie I had told him earlier.  It was true, anyway – it was
a woman thing.  Only a woman could be in confinement.

“All right,” he said, blushing slightly.  He kissed my
forehead and then pulled the muslin netting around the bed to prevent the
biting bugs from disturbing us since the window was open.  He reluctantly
left the room, taking the candle with him.

I lay there in the lamplight thinking about my situation for a
long time.  Confinement.  It had to be true.  It made sense,
with the dates and my symptoms.  It started happening shortly after we’d
had relations, and instead of getting better it was getting worse, which was a
repeat of the same scenario I’d had when I had been confined with Lillie. 
Indeed I had missed two cycles.  At first I suspected it was due to all
the stress of moving over to my brother’s plantation and being parted from
Ethan.  Now I knew better. 

What would I do?  How could I tell Ethan?  In the right
circumstances, he’d be thrilled with another child, no doubt.  But the way
things were presently, he would be disgraced if it were found out that he was
the father since we weren’t married anymore.  He had another wife who also
had a baby on the way.  It would be quite the scandal.  His name and
reputation would be dishonored.  Having relations with two women in a
short amount of time…he would look like a philanderer.  He may not ever live
it down.

What about me?  What would become of me?  I would be a
disgrace…confined with no husband.  I’d be called a harlot.  How
could I show myself in society?  At church, at gatherings or balls? 
What would Jonas think?  Catherine?  Clarissa?

Most importantly, what would Ethan really think?  He was
married to another, and I’d be left alone to raise this child.  On the
other hand, what if Ethan tried to take the baby away from me to raise at his
plantation with Lillie?  I couldn’t bear the thought.  That didn’t
seem like something Ethan would do, though.  If he’d had the choice, if I
hadn’t had my accident, he would never have kept Lillie away from me.

What if Ethan thought I had planned the whole thing in order to
get him back, to give him another reason to annul his marriage to Elizabeth and
marry me again?  I’d have two children instead of just one.  Wouldn’t
that make him choose me instead of her?  Especially if he loved me the way
I thought he did.  No, it might look that way to someone from the outside,
but surely Ethan would know I had not planned to have relations with him that
afternoon.  That was the same afternoon he had found out that Elizabeth
was with child.  Instead of throwing me out the door and comforting her,
he’d sought comfort with and had relations with me.  It had been so
sweet.  Oh, it made me ache for him, just thinking about that day.  A
baby resulting from that day was surely made out of the truest love.

If circumstances were different, I knew he would be thrilled at
the news.  Perhaps I could give him an heir to carry on the Wellington
name.  He’d be so happy.  But things being as they were, I couldn’t
tell him, not yet.  Should I lie to him and say it’s not his?  Tell
him it’s someone else’s to save his reputation at least?  Heaven knew mine
was not going to be saved, once it was found out by the community.  Whose
would I say it was?  Jefferson?  I had told Ethan about Jefferson
courting me and wanting to marry me, but if I told Ethan that Jefferson was the
father, he would think that there had been more to our relationship than I had
let on, that I had lied about not caring for Jefferson.  He would think
I’d had relations with Jefferson right before showing up again at his house,
and he would probably think Jefferson and I were up to no good, and that I had
been lying about losing my memory.  It would all look like a farce.

What about William?  I could lie and say it was his.  No
one would have to know that I had avoided being alone with him as much as
possible, to prevent any rumors.  Being on this big plantation together,
it wouldn’t be a huge surprise that two people could fall into each other’s
company intimately, would it?  Then again, doing so would harm William’s
reputation.  He would lose any respect from the community.  He was a
newcomer, anyway.  If it were to be thought that he had sired a baby with
his employer’s sister, he would be shunned.  I couldn’t do that to
him.  He’d been too nice. 

No, I couldn’t lie about someone else being the father, even
though my own reputation was going to be ruined either way.  If I lied
about someone else being the father, then that would really make me look like a
harlot, being unmarried.  Just like in “The Scarlet Letter”, they’d put a
big “A” on my chest. 

I also wouldn’t lie to Ethan.  I would tell him…eventually…that
I was having his baby and deal with the consequences then, cross that bridge
when I came to it.  In the meantime, I’d have to be more careful about my
regurgitations, take care that no one saw, especially not Ethan.  If he
thought about it long and hard, he would figure it out.  He’d been a great
comfort to me when I went through all of this with Lillie.  He’d brought
me tea three times a day; I’d felt like British royalty.  Sometimes it
would be black tea, sometimes peppermint or chamomile tea.  Nothing helped
very much, of course.  It was just something that had to be endured until
month four, when the expulsions stopped, my belly started to bulge, and my
breasts started getting fuller.  During those early days of confinement,
he would also hold my hair up so I wouldn’t spew on it.  Then he would
soothe my hair out after spewing and remind me it was all for a good cause…a
little precious bundle to care for once he or she arrived.  He’d not let
me exert myself at all and was at my beck and call.  He allowed me to
sleep late in bed long after morning chores had been done and breakfast had
been served.  He would calm me when I worried about the physical aspects
of the confinement…first the expulsions, then with the changes in my body, the
pain in my hips, and finally with the dread of delivery.

I would miss sharing all of that with Ethan this time.  I’d
have to go it alone.  That would make it all the harder, for sure. 
Perhaps I could confide in someone – maybe Catherine.  She was raising a
child on her own now.  Surely she would understand and commiserate with my
situation.  Hopefully she would not take her nephew’s side and want the
child to go live with Ethan after he or she was born.

I tried not to think about the confinement any longer so I could
get some sleep, but it didn’t work.  I lay listening to the wind and rain,
still extending its angry arms around the house, trying to envelop it.  I
listened to Lillie’s heavy breathing beside me.  Sweet Lillie.  She
had definitely been worth all the misery of confinement.  How would she
like having a brother or sister?  She’d have someone to play with when
they got older.  She’d be the big sister to take care of the little one
growing inside me now. 

Lillie started to stir, turned over and opened her eyes and looked
at me.  At first she seemed confused, frightened even, but then I smiled
at her by the light of the oil lamp, and she realized who I was and grinned
back.  She reached over and touched my face with her hand.  “Mama?”
she whispered. 

My heart melted.  “Yes, sweet Lillie,” I answered her. 

“Dada?” she asked inquisitively, looking around the room.

“He’s downstairs sleeping,” I told her.

Her face looked sad for a moment, and her bottom lip puckered out,
so I caressed her face and held her hand, and started humming to try and soothe
her.  Her frown gradually disappeared, and her eyes drifted back to
sleep.  Music always did soothe Lillie.  It was true, music soothed
the soul.  It had been a great pleasure for me, and I did miss it. 
Perhaps I should take Ethan up on his offer to bring the piano over here for me
to play.  I could indeed teach Lillie how to play, and very soon, I was
going to have another reason, another little one, to teach.

In the dead of the night, the winds finally stopped howling and
the rain slowed to a more pleasant drizzle, and I was able to succumb to
sleep.  I awoke to find Lillie playing with my hair.  She smiled when
I opened my eyes and looked at her.  She started whispering in her own
made-up language, which no one could understand.  It was endearing. 
How I wished I could wake up to her smiling face every morning…hers and
Ethan’s. 

I wondered how Ethan had slept down on the sofa.  It couldn’t
have been comfortable.  He had offered to sleep on the floor in this very
room – that would have been worse.  Then again, I would have ended up
making him sleep in the bed with Lillie and me, which would have been
wonderful.  If things had been different and we had still been married,
that’s perhaps what would have happened on a stormy night.  Lillie might
have been scared and ended up sleeping in the middle of the bed between the two
of us.  I sighed deeply at the thought of that, longing for it.

It had been so wonderful being in Ethan’s arms again, feeling his
kisses, feeling our hearts beat together as one, as it should be.  It
would be much harder to part again when he went back to Wellington.