Authors: Unknown
Yes, I had reluctantly returned to work and it felt exactly like that… WORK. I had made up in my mind I would tough it out for at least another year to see if it was still a part of what I wanted. I loved my patients, but the job itself had lost its luster for me.
The months of therapy had helped me realize I was no longer obligated to sustain my sister’s memory through my actions and choices in life. It was enough that I carried her with me in my heart. That meant her memory would live on in me. That revelation changed me. It freed me to live my life—the life I should have been living all along.
My son’s nursery was nearly finished and, as Josh had suggested, I covered his walls in a beautiful, vibrant mural. I had painted all but one wall which I left blank to create a special piece once he arrived. I could hardly wait to press his little foot and hand prints onto the wall. I planned to do it every year for as long as he would let me so I could literally watch him grow.
My passion for art and music—coupled with the love I felt for a child I had yet to meet—consumed me. I had never in my life experienced so much joy and my desire to share it had me thinking of opening a small performance and visual arts studio. I had breezed the idea by Mike and despite his increasingly busy schedule, he had agreed to help me with the music and production portion so that I could teach painting, sketch and creative writing sessions. It was a lofty idea, but I kept it tucked away as a distant possibility. All bets were off until after the baby was born and the DNA test was taken. Even though both Mike and Josh had assured me they would be fine either way, I wasn’t set on putting all my eggs in either basket.
Receive reality and prepare for possibilities.
I kept reminding myself. In a few weeks, I wouldn’t be the only one who had something to lose if I made a mistake.
As kind and loyal as Mike had been, something in me still doubted his commitment to me. I was still working on overcoming my old phobias, and they flared up on occasion. Over the past few months, he had been with me every step of the way. He had taken me to meet his mother and I loved her from day one. Her house was warm and homey and filled with the mothering warmth and kindness I’d missed growing up. Mike’s mom Carmen was sweet and she seemed to genuinely like me. The visits to her home made my heart feel full. It all felt like family, and to me, that felt right.
Communication between Josh and I was more consistent than our actual visits with one another. We talked about our therapy sessions and he updated me on his progress. I was so glad to have him to talk to and he always made me laugh. I noticed there was always a trace of sadness in his voice whenever we talked about the baby, so I only mentioned him if Josh asked. Of course, he
always
asked! He wanted to know about my doctor visits and how I was feeling. He asked what I was eating and if I was eating enough. Sometimes he would even call out of the blue and ask me about something random he’d read about or seen online. His attention always left me with mixed emotions. His caring and concern warmed my heart. At the same time it also ached for what I knew was inevitable. With each day that passed, my anxiety grew.
What if the DNA test doesn’t match what’s in my heart? How could I bear to see the sadness in Josh’s eyes?
I’d run through the scenario every way possible in my mind, but nothing was guaranteed to go the way I’d planned.
Around 7pm Josh, rang my phone. I picked it up heartily. “Hey Josh!” I smiled into the receiver.
“Hey Erin.” He murmured in a dejected tone.
“What’s up? Is there something wrong?” My brows knit with concern.
“No. Nothing is wrong. I’d actually rather talk to you in person if that’s alright?” I could tell Josh had tried ineffectively to lighten his voice.
Something is definitely up.
I concluded.
“Sure, come on over whenever. I’m here at the house.” He told me he was on his way and I resumed folding tiny baby clothes and placing them in the drawer.
I’ve stockpiled enough diapers and wipes to last for months.
I turned and took a look at the stacks of boxes in my son’s closet. They were piled up to the rack where I would eventually hang his clothes, but for now, all his little pieces would be tucked in his drawers.
*****
I was sitting on the couch sipping a cup of green tea when Josh finally arrived. “Come in!” I yelled as I tilted the cup to my lips.
“Erin, are you crazy?! I could have been anybody!”
“Well, clearly you aren’t
anybody.
Besides, I saw you pull up on my way into the living room so I unlocked the door. I knew you’d have a fit.” I teased and chuckled into my teacup. Josh laughed, but his face looked strained and his smile never made it to his eyes. He didn’t wait for an invitation. He came right over, sat down beside me and kissed me on the cheek as usual. He even placed his hand on my belly and greeted my baby bump as he always did, but this time something was different and I couldn’t peg down what it was.
“So what’s up Josh?” I sat back against the pillow he’d reflexively tucked behind me.
Everything he’s doing is normal, but something’s not right.
Josh turned slowly to face me although he could barely look at me. “Erin, I know we’ve been through a whole lot and it’s been less than a year. Everything has been crazy, emotional and revealing all at once. I wanted to thank you for taking me on such a wild ride because, however, bumpy the road was, it has brought us here.” He reached for my hand and took a deep breath before he went on. “I wanted to come and see you in person to tell you that I’ve been offered a job in Arizona. It’s the position of department head which is unheard of for someone my age. They want me to start in early July, so that I can get acclimated to their policies and procedures before fall courses start in August. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime and it would put me in a better position to provide for this child if that’s how our situation turns out. I don’t want to leave you considering how far along you are, but I could be on the very first flight back as soon as you gave the word. I want to be here for the birth if you still want me there.”
I was completely taken aback. Of all the things I could have thought of, this would never have been one of them. I tried hard at that moment to imagine my life without Josh in it. I thought about not being able to see him face-to-face on a regular basis. He’d become a close friend to me and I loved him for that.
I am literally a better person for having him in my life. How could I tell him not to go? He deserves to live his life as much as I do.
Josh was running his thumb nervously back and forth across my knuckle. I placed my hand over his and looked into his eyes. “Joshua, I’m happy for you! You’re amazing at what you do and the strides you’ve made in your career have been extraordinary. Congratulations! Don’t worry about things here. I’ll be fine and I’ll call you as soon as things start to get interesting.” I watched the breath release from his chest and the color returned to his face. “I do want to make one thing clear. If you are doing this just because you think you need to make more money to help care for this baby, don’t do it. If you’re leaving so that you can advance to another level of success in your life and that’s genuinely what you want, I truly wish you the best. Will you be here long enough to come to the showcase?”
Josh flashed a smile that lit up his eyes. “Of course! I wouldn’t miss it! I
couldn’t
miss it! I can’t wait to see you up there in your
true
element. I swear you have to be the most talented person I’ve ever met. Who else could just go and have the intellectual capacity to become a pediatric surgeon while hiding the ability to be a professional singer, songwriter, painter and poet?! That’s bananas!” Josh flailed his arms around wildly and I let out a laugh.
“You’re crazy!” I giggled.
Josh stood to his feet then gave me a hand getting up from the sofa. I held his hand tightly. “Thanks Josh.” I gazed up at him. “No, really, thank you for everything. Thank you for loving me and forgiving me and helping me to forgive myself. I will
never
forget that! You’re an amazing person and I wish you nothing but the best in Arizona.” I hugged him as tightly as my belly would allow. “I’ll see you Friday night at Both Sides okay?”
“Sure thing sweetheart,” Josh said as he placed a gentle peck on my cheek and walked out the door.
*****
Amber, Todd, Feliz, Mario, Angela and her son Jeremy all met me promptly at noon to help move furniture and set up: chairs, tables, artwork, wine stations and the stage area. Because they believed so strongly in my work, Both Sides art studio had been kind enough to allow use of their space as a platform for my showcase. They were also pleasantly surprised when I told them I would also be singing with the band.
I can’t believe I’ve finally found my passion and I’m pursuing it. I’ll have to remember to go back and check that one off the list.
I would actually be putting that “to do” list I’d written so long ago to rest.
I guess it’s time to come up with some
bigger
dreams, aspirations and goals.
Mike and the band showed up two hours after our arrival and they started setting up their equipment on stage.
“Now where the hell was he when we were setting up all this stuff?” Angie said to Amber in a deliberately audible tone.
“The band had to finish working on some stuff for the show.” I hissed. “Please don’t start Angie. He’s here now and the show is starting in a little while.” I pleaded.
Angie turned her mouth down and glared in Mike’s direction and Amber followed suit, folding her arms across her chest. “Okay. I’ll leave it alone today, but just know, that’s one.” I sighed heavily and tried to brush off ill feelings as Mike hopped down from the stage and headed toward me.
“Ms. Erin will you be ready for sound check in about an hour? Me and the guys want to run through the whole line up if you’re up to it.” He said as he rubbed my belly. I tilted my head up toward him and smiled. “I’ll be ready.” Mike gave me a quick peck on the lips and headed back toward the stage.
“So, are we invisible or something? He can’t say ‘hello’ or ‘go to hell’ or something? Girrrl that is strike two! Let’s get you in back and see what the setup is for make-up, hair and wardrobe!” Angie looped her arm through mine and guided me toward the back room. Feliz and Amber were right behind us.
Feliz paused and looked back over her shoulder. “You guys keep working. We’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“Now you know as soon as we round this corner Mario, Jeremy and Todd will be sitting right down on their asses.” Angie gave Feliz a knowing look.
“Angie, what’s with you today? You have a bad attitude.” Feliz scrunched up her nose.
“I’m sorry. I had a run in with Jeremy’s dad before we came. I don’t mean to piss on the party.” Angie glanced in my direction. “I apologize to you too. I know Mike is good for you and I can tell you’re both crazy about each other. Now let’s get you into this dressing room!”
The studio owners had managed to make a decent space in the back room for me to have a small changing area. They’d hung up clean tarps to block off the kiln and art supplies that had been shoved off to one side. I perched myself up on a stool in front of a full-length mirror they’d provided. “Whew! Did they have to give me a full frontal view?” I rubbed my belly and chuckled.
“You look beautiful Erin and when we get done you’ll look even
more
beautiful.” Feliz said as she pulled out her make-up kit. I sat and watched as Amber found a plug for her flat iron and Angie began sorting through outfits.
“Wow! Makeup, hair and my own personal stylist. Amber, now I know how you feel when we go out of town!” We all erupted in laughter.
“Watch your mouth Erin. I’m the one who’ll be putting a hot flat iron to your head!” We all laughed some more.
Forty-five minutes later my hair lay sleekly swept to one side and my makeup was immaculate. All of the primping had made me warm so I was sitting there in my bra and leggings trying to cool off. Drinking ice water was out of the question, so I settled for a cool bottle of water instead and pressed it against my chest and then my forehead. “Whew! This two-person body heat is no joke!” I slid down slowly from the stool and carefully pulled back on my shirt to head out toward the stage.
“There she is!” Mike exclaimed. “I was just about to come and get you. Come on up and let’s have a run through.” Before I could take a step in his direction, he shouted, “Wait! Let me give you a proper introduction!” He stepped up to the microphone and adjusted his stance. “Ladies and gentleman, tonight is a night that has been a long time coming and way overdue! Tonight you have the pleasure of being introduced to one of the most talented and beautiful women I’ve ever known. Please put your hands together for
the real
Erin Porter!” Everyone that was there hooted and hollered as Mike grabbed my hand and helped me onto the stage. He walked me over to the easel that was set up with paints and brushes next to it on a small table. Mike helped me up onto the stool and adjusted the microphone in front of me before taking his place behind the keyboard. Epiphany played the intro of the first song. I closed my eyes, opened my mouth and let my truth pour out. It wasn’t until the last note was played and I heard the room erupt in applause that I finally opened my eyes. Feliz, Amber and Angie were beaming and the guys and staff were on their feet clapping wildly.
“Thank you.” I blushed and took a small bow. From there, we ran through the entire set and before I knew it there were exactly thirty minutes until the doors opened and only an hour before the show was set to start. I took one last look around the room and took it all in. The walls were covered with portraits I’d painted. The room was filled with people who loved and supported me and I was about to have everything I’d ever wanted. I breathed in the moment.
This is surreal.
I made a quick exit before my tears had a chance to fall.
I don’t want to mess up Feliz’s beautiful makeup!
I grabbed a napkin and lightly dabbed my eyes and took a breath. There in the stillness of the room, I thought about where I was and who and where I’d been a year ago. I hadn’t even realized that what I’d been longing for had actually been calling out to me all along. The love I’d yearned for all along wasn’t just being given, it was being reciprocated. All the love I’d been seeking, I had finally found within. Now, I was able to share it with the people who had been waiting for me to love myself enough to let them in.
Here come the waterworks.
I tried desperately to salvage my makeup as my friends walked in.