When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood (9 page)
Read When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood Online
Authors: Sophia Fraioli,Lauren Kaelin
Camel
DAD
: Put a new light in the camel so your friends would stop making fun of the nativity set on the lawn.
Jolly
MOM
: Fuck santa. If I had a million little elves helping me and random people feeding me cookies, I’d be jolly all the time too.
Nativity
MOM
: Can you go look for Joseph? A neighbor said he was missing.
Ornament Choices
MOM
: Do u want a pickle that calls out hints to where hes hiding ornament or a reindeer with a grill with food on his butt for ur ornament?
Who better to wish you happy birthday than the people who gave you life?
Twenty-Seven
MOM
: Wow I wanted to be first. But I missed it 6am. Was too late. You are half my age today. 27 +27 = 54
ME
: Well my bday in Australia started yesterday.
MOM
: ok
(two hours later)
MOM
: We r getting red velvet cream pie, from Maria calendars in your honor
(twenty minutes later)
MOM
: They were out no pie in honor
Nineteen
DAD
: Happy birthday baby!!
DAD
: are you one
DAD
: are you two
DAD
: are you three
DAD
: are you four
DAD
: are you five
DAD
: are you six
ME
: oh please no.
DAD
: are you seven
DAD
: are you eight
DAD
: are you nine
DAD
: are you ten
DAD
: . . .
DAD
: . . .
ME
: 19! yay good guess.
Balloons
MOM
: Check your schedule and let me know whats better, which day? what time? if your bringing friends?how many?what you want to eat??????XOXO
ME
: okay party planner
MOM
: Oh I love that! I’m your party planner! :+) O O <-balloons
Bon Jovi
ME
: mom what do you want for your birthday
MOM
: A nice mat 2 stand on in front of the sink, a pretty hand soap dispenser or bon jovi in my cupboard
Twenty-First
DAD
: mom says she told you to be careful, i say get drunk and puke. love you
Virtual Message
DAD
: Please send your mother a virtual message for her birthday.
ME
: Do you mean an e-mail?
DAD
: Here is a sample “Happy Birthday Mom! Love, Angela”
Worth It
MOM
: I absolutely must talk to you on your birthday, you must call me :-). Love mom… the woman who birthed you…with no pain meds…so your brain would be perfect and unaffected by drugs…it was painful…but worth it...please call…
Old Man
ME
: Happy bday old man
DAD
: This came to me by error. sorry, no old men here
5:23
A.M.
DAD
: Call Sam, it’s his birthday
DAD
: I sent Sam a cake… Your name is on it.
DAD
: Chocolate mouse.
DAD
: Moose.
DAD
: Mose
DAD
: Muose
DAD
: Fluffy creamy chocolate
DAD
: Stuff
DAD
: Did the snow melt?
Rectal
MOM
: I remembered the other birthday gift you could get for your dad - a thermometer (rectal). I guess they don’t go on sale until Christmas, so you could get him one then.
“Happy Birthday”
MOM
: Hey! Check out the birthday greeting I put up on your brother’s FB!
ME
: Okay.
ME
: It just says, “Happy birthday!”
MOM
: Yeah. I thought it would be nice.
Only Twenty-Nine This Year
ME
: HAPPY BIRTHDAY
DAD
: Thank you!! Be home to celebrate my 29th tonight?? :)
ME
: Hahahahahaha you wish
DAD
: :)— (that’s a beard below my smile). Grandma sent me $50 like she does every year— someone should explain price inflation to her. $50 doesn’t go as far as it used to! (hint hint)
Lauren:
On
Leave It to Beaver,
when Beaver runs out of the house, baseball glove in hand, mischief in his eyes, his mother shouts after him, “Be home for dinner!” It seems that little has changed since the 1950s sitcom. The submissions to our site suggest that grown children all over the world are receiving reminders about mealtimes.
When Parents Text
began with a mealtime text.
To this day, my mother is rhapsodic over ground turkey. “Look,” she’ll say to me, grinning, pointing to the package of frozen meat, “Do you want tacos or meatloaf for dinner?”
I should be fending for myself—eating cereal for two meals a day and rationing rice portions. That isn’t the case. My mother still cooks me dinner and reminds me to eat it. After four years apart, we fall back into these roles with ease.
“I’ll have two tacos, please!”
Ribs for Dinner I
ME
: When is my haircut?
MOM
: Ribs for dinner
Ribs for Dinner II
MOM
: I’ve just put my ribs in .I had another mammogram done and everything is ok.The ribs have nothing to do with it ,just that’s what i’m having for dinner
Lag
MOM
: We are having lag at maryanns and scotts
ME
: Lag?
MOM
: Lasagna
ME
: You can’t abbreviate lasagna
MOM
: ok
Numbers for Dinner
ME
: Hey mom what’s for dinner?
MOM
: We are having *7)80)*(*(980* )*( *(&89&(*&987(&*&
Bribes
MOM
: Come home!
MOM
: We miss you
ME
: I’m at the movies
MOM
: We have Oreos
MOM
: And milk
MOM
: And fruit roll-ups
Perfection
ME
: Whats for dinner?
DAD
: Pasta with vodka sauce with bits of chicken sliced perfectly
Bacon Rage
ME
: There’s no bacon in the dining hall
DAD
: Burn the place down
Put in Refrigerator
DAD
: Get 20 pieces spicy chicken wings non breaded about 8.00$ they close at 10 pm put in refrigerator
DAD
: Also get me metamucil sugar free
DAD
: Also 2 gallon purified water
DAD
: Also, get me greek salad and put it in the fridge
DAD
: Never mind no greek salad
Sounding It Out
ME
: Hi what’s for dinner?
MOM
: I’m thinking k-sa-di-a
Scraps
ME
: Having dinner before we set off, we’re all starving. You ok to grab something?
DAD
: Yes. I’ll find some scraps in the kitchen or eat with the cats. (or eat the cats)
ME
: You’re weird.
DAD
: That’s what hunger and loneliness does to you.
Pasta Recipes
MOM
: Hi honey please stop using so much vodka for your pasta recipes we dont have any left XO mom*
*Your child is drinking the vodka. See “Vodka Bottles” in the
Diss
section.
Pinot Grigio
MOM
: i am at grandmas bring the pigno grisio.
ME
: spell much?
MOM
: thats not the issuw at hand.
Colon Blow
ME
: just cooked a vegan dinner with alex! thought you’d be proud.
MOM
: I am SO impressed! Sound DELISH! I just made a raw green soup in the Vitamix. Can you say “colon blow”?
Naked Pot
MOM
: Naked Pot
ME
: What?!
MOM
: That was supposed to be baked potatoes! Mandarin salad
Cheesecake
MOM
: You bring me a piece of white chocolate raspberry cheesecake and I will pretend we never had this conversation ;)