When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood (7 page)
Read When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood Online
Authors: Sophia Fraioli,Lauren Kaelin
Social Dating Sites
MOM
: I was browsing the inet for social dating sites (for your sister but don’t tell her, thanks) and came across this neat site. It’s called Face Book. Just type it into google search. It will pop up.
Norbet and Daggett
ME
: Did you know Angry Beavers is on Netflix? Instant!
MOM
: SHUT UP!!!
Caps Lock
MOM
: i want to show you a video online, but the password isn’t working
ME
: is it on caps lock?
MOM
: no it’s on youtube
Online Videos
DAD
: This video I was watching online, it went what people call “viral”. Have you heard that word? Viral?
Facebook Chat
MOM
: one of ypor friends facebook chatted me. Do I respond. If yes, what do I say? Pleaz help. Come home NOW.
(five minutes later)
MOM
: Do you think this is funny??? COME HOME NOW, I am really feeling thr pressure! Help your mother!
Skype
ME
: Why did you sign off on me?
MOM
: Had to poop
Relationship Status
MOM
: Who are you in a relationship with?
ME
: What?
MOM
: Your facebook page says that you’re in a relationship!
ME
: How would you know that?
MOM
: Becca has facebook and she told Zinny and Zinny called daddy and daddy called me.
MOM
: Who are you in a relationship with?
Frowny Face
MOM
: I had 70 friends. Now, I have 69. Frowny face...and I don’t even know who is missing, but it makes me sad.
Hashtag Humor
MOM
: I made a tweet! I used a pound sign and everything just like u do!
Jewel Quest Demo
MOM
: $28 charge on my bill 4 CASUAL DATA USAGE.
ME
: That’s the internet, ma. I told you not to go there without a plan.
MOM
: You don’t think I’m using it playing the Jewel Quest demo do you? 957 THAT’S A LOT OF MINUTES. It’s the only thing I can think of!
Chicken Parm Tonight
MOM
: I’m on twitter now. I tweet all day!
MOM
: ooo laaa laaa, JLO is making chicken parm tonight. mmmm
ME
: I hope this is a joke.
MOM
: twitter me! everyone is following me everywhere
Noodle About
MOM
: What’s that site you like to find jokes on? Noodle About?
ME
: Stumble Upon.
Dirtbag
ME
: Yeah i sent him a facebook message and he didn’t respond
MOM
: when did you send it?
ME
: Yesterday
MOM
: Dirtbag
Twitter Friends
MOM
: I didn’t know you had the twitter! Me too! I’m only friends with Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Pioneer Woman. Want to be friends? (:
At Desk Studying
MOM
: i just stalked your facebook. could you post just ONE picture of you at a desk studying?
ME
: hahahah very funny mom!
MOM
: no really and both you and your sister should cover up leave some room for the imagination
Googling
ME
: Hey, check out whenparentstext.com
MOM
: funny they should also make a website for “when eight year olds use google”
MOM
: some of Sammy’s latest googles include “are mermaids evil” and “how to make a real baby dinosaur”…
Number One Search Engine
ME
: Dad, I have had this bruise for 3 weeks and it is still huge! Should I be worried?
DAD
: Yes.
ME
: Well idk what to do!
DAD
: Ask Jeeves
ME
: That’s not funny. What do I do?
DAD
: I wasn’t trying to make a joke. Ive heard you can ask them anything.
FFF: Facebook Friends Forever
MOM
: I promise I will always be your facebook friend.
Postcollege Options
DAD
: Maybe you can work for the IRS. (if you don’t know what that is, look it up on facebook or something like that)
Surfing
MOM
: i think i just kicked myself out of facebook
ME
: hahahahaha how??
MOM
: surfing the net.
Popular
MOM
: Women having buttocks enhancements. Round bottom popular says Internet
Church Updates
DAD
: So how was your homily?*
ME
: It was okay. He just kind of repeated the gospel.
DAD
: Ours was about Internet Porn.
*For the nongentile, a homily is a commentary that follows a reading of scripture during Mass.
Royal Wedding
MOM
: Don’t google search anything about the royal wedding. On the news they said it will be a superbowl for viruses. The first 22 sites google for “royal wedding dress” were infected. Also, could I get u to email me those pics on ur camera please :-)
Harmony
DAD
: Does anybody know Harmony? She wants to be friends with me on Facebook. She may be one of these internet floozies looking for a boyfriend and she needs to know I am too hot to handle for her.!!!!!!!!!! (Ran out of exclamation points)
iRoller
DAD
: We saw Steve Wazniak -sp? On a segway rolling down the sidewalk in front of Safeway.
Face Page
DAD
: Tell Rach that- it on her fp
ME
: Fp?
DAD
: Face page
ME
: You mean facebook?
DAD
: Ha ha. I’m so antiquated
Divorce
DAD
: I’m not sure but I think I just accidentally divorced your mom on facebook… I’ll keep you updated.
ME
: (silence)
MOM
: why is your father married to his sister on facebook?
Quidditch
DAD
: twitter? thats the same thing as quidditch right?
Wrong Screen
DAD
: Gibson recording king
DAD
: Bret favored college
DAD
: Sorry for the bizarre text’s. Tried repeatedly to search the web from the wrong screen.
Rekindled*
MOM
: Ken and Barbie are back together!!
ME
: Did they break up?
MOM
: Hellooooo in 2004, but they rekindled at toy story 3, and made it official on v-day, aren’t you facebook friend with them?!
*In 2011 Barbie and Ken released a statement stating, “We may be plastic, but our love is real.” As of this writing, they were still together.
Respectfully
MOM
: Dearest katie, I respectfully ask that you delete your last two facebook posts regarding being drunk and naked.
Love, mom
Pending
DAD
: Had to pick up your sister, missed yoga tonight :-(
ME
: Sorry I could have picked her up if I knew you had plans.
DAD
: No probs…gives me time to check in on the 12 friend i have pending on Facebook.
Lauren:
My mom recently found a dust-covered box in the basement that contained dozens of home movies—VHS tapes chronicling years of diligent soccer game, recital, and school play attendance. One of the videos was of a special performance that my mom recorded as a holiday message to my grandfather.
Close-up on my sister and me, eleven and six years old. My mom has dressed us in our best red floral dresses: bows, cap sleeves, and lace with thick black tights. Zoom out. We are standing on a staircase, the banister wrapped with a holiday garland covered with fake poinsettias and plastic beads. My mother’s voice off-camera: “Go!” We excitedly burst into the worst version of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” you can imagine.
It’s clear that my sister tried to teach me a sequence of hand motions to coincide with the lyrics.
Making a list, checkin’ it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.
“Pretend you’re holding a list, look it up and down, then point to either side of the room.” As we sing, we try to walk synchronized down the stairs. Halfway through the song, I forget what I’m doing and look to my sister for guidance. Her eyes have not wavered from the camcorder. She’s got the hand motions down.
Scene change. We’re off the stairs now, and the music has changed to an instrumental number. My sister and I are doing an interpretative dance to “Carol of the Bells,” spinning in wide circles and doing dramatic leaps in our entryway.