Where Did It All Go Right? (43 page)

4
.
Interestingly, my mum’s favourite of all my teen girlfriends. Perhaps because Wendy actually spoke to her. What a spin doctor she was. Great big spiky hair too, which ought to have doomed her relationship with Mum from the start but didn’t. Had a laugh like a honking seal.

5
.
A regular party venue at the famous Billing Aquadrome, a caravan site near some water. Other party venues of choice at the time: the Sturtridge Pavilion (in deepest town), the Marina Bar (also at the Aquadrome), Opus II (town), Dallington Squash Club (miles away), the Regents (can’t remember) and the Masonic Hall (near Nene College – luckily, they let girls in).

6
.
My reports from the end of the lower-sixth, July 1982, horrify me now to look at. ‘Time is running out for Andy,’ warns my form teacher Mr Chennels. ‘He seems to think that by some good stroke of fortune he is bound to land on his feet – I hope he wakes up soon.’ Mrs Pearson suggests I remember that ‘biology is not creative or arising from within, but learned, remembered and recounted as required’. Mr Coppock predicts that ‘unless improvements are made, next June could be something of a nightmare’. Mr Gilbert worries in English about my ‘lack of note-taking’, while even in art, Mr Mutton says he lives in ‘anticipation of wonderful things which seem increasingly unlikely’. I know. I was pissing it all away, wasn’t I? That’s what happens when you give the best years of your life to rock’n’roll.

1981

Selected Extracts From My Diary

A PATTERN IS
now set. Another Boots page-a-day diary, this time burgundy, and another collage under transparent sticky-back plastic: U2, Gene Hackman, Dustin Hoffman, the logos of Duran Duran, Premier (‘1st in percussion’)
, Film Review
magazine and a Sainsbury’s price label for ironic effect
.

So it’s films, more films, post-punk music, being in a band and getting a job. This is the most colourful and best-kept diary so far, a riot of felt-tip, Caran D’Ache pencil and caricatures drawn elsewhere, cut out and stuck in with Pritt. Paul Garner had by now started a similarly styled journal and we would constantly compare them, hence the attention to upkeep and visuals. (And hence the erosion of honest text – because the diary has become an amateur film review and art gallery, I start to get behind with it. Entries are filled in days later. The immediacy is gone. It’s a sad day.)

Hey, I wish you could see the pretty drawings, because the actual words now fall into second place, and great swathes are just movie reviews – dull third-party reading indeed. (Day one, 1 January, is dominated by a lengthy dissection of
Papillon –
rated four and a half stars in case you’re interested – and that’s how the year ends, with two reviews filling 28 December
, The Thirty-Nine Steps
and
The Battle of Midway.)

The list of favourite people in the now traditional self-questionnaire at the front includes the Elephant Man and Barry Norman
.

Sunday, 18 January

Undepressing things:

The Blue Lagoon
is on next week.
¹

My birthday is in 44 days.

We are going to see U2
live
.

Paula is probably coming.

I am definitely getting a new room.

I am definitely getting a new room.

My sore throat’s gone.

I am certainly getting a new room.

A new room! And it’ll be 10 foot by 10 foot and I’m helping to design it and have my own colour scheme and record player and I can paint something on one wall
²
and I’ll just sit on my bed in it and admire the four walls and door. I could say ‘ace’. But I won’t. (It gets me very irritated.)

Monday, 19 January

If they can free hostages why can’t they buy me a video?
³

Thursday, 26 February

On the way home from Dave F’s this morning the police force decided to stop me and look in my bag etc. I assume, as they said, ‘Sorry, mate,’ when they stopped frisking me, I am not the Trinity Ripper.
⁴

Paul Bush (long lost Grendon-inhabiter) came down after lunch. He is into Rush, Peter Gabriel, pilchards on toast and drums. His sister’s going out with the lead singer of a group of whom the drummer’s going out with the bassist’s sister and his brother’s engaged to Paul’s
other
sister. Got that? No I’m fine.

Friday, 27 February

The Brightest View had recording session number two at Winsford ‘Living Room’ Studios. We put sound on tape from 10.30 till 5.10. Ace. We did ‘No Smoke’, ‘They Said’, ‘Dropout’, ‘Mirror Mirror’, ‘Average Girl’ and ‘No Penalties’.
⁵
What a day. Good results. Sorry. Modesty. Positive results. Last
Grange Ill
of series. Cry. It continues not. I had some beautiful fried potatoes today.

Monday, 30 March

Depression (temporary). Don’t worry. Woke up in a rather depressed state of mind. Rode up Craig’s depressed and nearly finished Art CSE depressed.

However after tea I made Paula a sort-of-late-birthday card and stayed in and collected up £3 to get Paula a sort-of-late-birthday present record voucher and did all my homework and washed my hair and wrote my application to Sainsbury’s and ate an orange and a yogurt and found out that Craig is now going out with Rebecca Fourthyear.
⁶
Ace.

Somebody’s had a gunfight with Mr Reagan in America. Big news. He’s alive.

Monday, 6 April

I
could
say: ‘One-six for the breaker on the side, bring it back, come on. Can you give me a nine on your rough twenty, good buddy? What’s your handle? That’s a big four and you’ve got Hi-Hat here, Hi-Hat. Can you give me a ten thiry-six ’cos there’s a lot of wallies bleeding over this channel. Pick a number, breaker. Roger-D, and it’s a ten-ten till we do it again, Polo.’ But I won’t. Went Vaughan’s. Mucked
about
on his CB. Got tickets for
Peer Gynt
. Small amounts of homework.
⁷

Friday, 1 May

I think Vic is there. My room is under an epidemic of fun at the moment ie. today, its wonderful interior met a brand new bed plus all the burgundy topping, my once garage-bound drum kit, three shelves, a dartboard and a Spandau Ballet poster. O wow. (Oh shut up about your room, Andy.) Bin invited to John Lewis’s party. O good. How Blitzy
⁸
shall I turn up? Oh my God the Human League’s new single
⁹
is revolutionary! Oh, calm me down, someone.

Wednesday, 13 May

Video. Well it’s here. Yes, it is here. It exists and it’s ours and I love it. A Philips job
¹⁰
with loads of cute black buttons all over it. Ooh, the little cassettes just pop out automatically and ask you to record
Coronation St
and FA Cup
¹¹
on them. Oh God, how ace and grey and real. I don’t even care that we didn’t practice tonight. Instead I went with Craig, Dave etc. to watch Cindy leg about in a Lings-ish athletix meeting,
¹²
and I piled over her house to pick up my French oral sheets (good excuse). It took me nearly three hours to pick them up.

Friday, 29 May

Andy Collins … you know him as pupil of Weston Favell
Upper
School, ex-member of NCFE Film Club, drummer with Brightest View, drawer of caricatures and O-level candidate 46100 10045. Well now … Andy Collins the employee of J Sainsbury Ltd. Earned my first three or four quid by watching nice films, having a tour of behind-the-scenes Sainsbury’s, trying out my little box-opening utensils and having a cup of tea. Skin-tight overall
¹³
(I’m getting a new one don’t worry).

Wednesday, 12 August
JERSEY

Ow my legs! Owowow. How can it be unbelievably hot for four days running? Who cares!
Orca
is one cool book. Our waiter calls Melissa ‘Peach Melba’, Pap ‘Mr Smith’. Me ‘John’ or ‘Steve McQueen’. Cool catering. Corn flakes – bacon tomato – minestrone – plaice peas chips – Bakewell tart ice cream more ice cream – soup – Virginia ham pineapple sauce – sherry trifle – beautiful.

OK, so ‘ace’ got on our nerves. Well ‘cool’ is beginning to push its luck.
For Your Eyes Only
on Sunday perhaps. JJ Stewart Show was a laugh. The best Merton cabaret I’ve seen. JJ was a really horny bloke playing his mixture of trombones, trumpets etc. suggestive chat all the way through. I think I’ve had about 16 ciders so far this holiday.
¹⁴

Tuesday, 18 August

Went on a shit walk to Corbiere.

Si won (wait for it …) 40 quid on the bingo. Lucky. What a job! Air pistol shop here we come. Lucky!

Wednesday, 2 September

Yes! 6th form! Yes here I am – in the WFUS lower sixth! I’m in Mr Chennells’ form (promising) and I’m doing my three As – Art Eng Bio. Haven’t got my cool ‘distinctive blazer’ yet.
I’m
in no great hurry. I’m really into the sixth. I don’t think Craig is! Some people are hard to please.

Saturday, 12 September

This man gets in the way of my life sometimes.
¹⁵
Unpredictable!!

‘Be a Deputy Manager’ Part 1:

8.20am ‘You will be sacked if you do not work constantly. Collect trolleys at your tea break. DIE or LEAVE.’

18.06pm ‘Well done, lads. You’ve done an excellent job. KISS.’

Got an xtra 50p in me wage packet today (why? who cares?) so I had a Britvic 55 for tea break. Classy, eh?

Gaw, I had a real workout on my drums today. Lovely. I’m going to get into real 35mm photography. Bad tragic news: Leeds ****ing lost 4–0 to Coventry. Jackie Bisset
¹⁶
is in love with a ****ing Russian ballet dancer twat. Cry!!

On a lighter note … £14.50. Hahahahahaha.

Thursday, 17 September

Rubik’s fucking Cube can turn an average human being into an uncontrollably violent, axe-wielding madman can’t it? Aha – I got a copy of the instructions. The
instructions
can turn an average human being into an uncontrollably violent, axe-wielding madman!! It says, ‘Now you will have an even number of U sides facing upwards.’ LIKE HELL! I tried it about a dozen times and I NEVER EVER ended up with an even number. (Add ‘fucking’ between each word there.)

How to really solve a Rubik’s Cube.

I didn’t watch
Telefon
.
¹⁷

TOTP
was relative bolox.

Monday, 19 October

Yes it’s true! ITV have got
Close Encounters
for Christmas. My God no. Yes yes yes! Words I say a lot lately: twang – wonderful – bum – cool – into. Don’t ask why. (I think) I saw exactly 83 films in 1980. I have seen 77 this year so far (I think).
¹⁸
Interestin’ eh?

Saturday, 28 November

Round-up time: Obsession of the week: Cindy/Dustin Hoffman. Record of the week: ‘Visions of China’ Japan. Great Expectation of the week: fancy dress party. Hint of the week: I’ve spent £4 on Paul’s Xmas pressie (that was ruthless, sorry). Dr Who of the week: Patrick Troughton. Sex Object of the week: Janet Ellis (Jigsaw). Haircut of the week: John Taylor/Robert Redford. That was good wasn’t it?

Friday, 25 December

The day after
Poseidon Adventure
.
¹⁹
Otherwise known as Christmas Day. Ingredients: half a ton of relations, a surprisingly large pile of presents and too much food. Present highlights: some fun boots,
²⁰
a beautiful Bo Derek calendar,
The Directory of Film Stars
,
²¹
and the ‘I Could Be Happy’ twelve-inch.
Also
received:
Hedgehog Sandwich
(not literally),
²²
Ripping Yarns
, record box, some personally printed letterheads, Quality Street (for a change!), felt tips, various useful things like scissors, pens and vodka liqueurs,
Horror Stories
, Duran Duran single, some cassettes, some macho
Playboy
talc etc. Family present: toaster sandwich thing. Not a bad haul, eh? I love my boots and Bo Derek.

Wednesday, 30 December

1981 was the year of … the new room, my first gig, Jo P, parties, Jack Nicholson, hair dye,
²³
Altered Images, The Brightest View,
Rainbow
, 6th form, O-levels,
Ad-lib
,
²⁴
Sainsbury’s, Jersey, Charles and Di, Paula, vodka,
Hitchhikers’ Guide
, The Video, Pernod, white Christmas, fun and
drums
!

1
.
I was so into films, I would watch anything. I actually went to see
The Blue Lagoon
twice, once at the ABC in January and once at Lings in March, which was stupid as it only counted as one film in my running total. (I must have really wanted to see Brooke Shields’s body-double topless.)

2
.
I ended up doing a painting on my door. Of me.

3
.
The 52 US embassy staff held captive by Iranian students in Teheran for 444 days, released just as Ronald Reagan was inaugurated (the Ayatollah wanted to humiliate the outgoing President Carter by delaying the hostages’ departure from Teheran Airport). But I
really
wanted a video.

4
.
Trinity was the area where Neil Stuart and Dave Freak lived. There was no Ripper there, I was merely making a point about the
pigs
.

5
.
Hard-hitting social commentaries about, respectively, smoking, authority, apathy, vanity, homogeny and football violence. Cheers.